mortensorchid Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 Tonight I went out on a second date with a man I'd met on a website a few weeks ago. Over the meal, we had some chats about things other than pastimes and whatnot. He is in his early 40s, never been married (we did not cover that the last time we were face to face nor over the phone). He said that he didn't see the point of two people getting married and having children because we are "not programed that way" to stay together forever and ever. He asked what I thought, I said I was not opposed to the idea. I said I have encountered a lot of people who have married the wrong person for whatever reason and ended up in a real train wreck of a situation that ended in divorce. I said that I also understood lust and what that can and can't do to others, but in order for something to last a substantial amount of time one must know the other for a while and build something rather than jump into something so quickly. He said with the exception of his two younger brothers who are both happily married he does not know a married couple who is happy. Does this sound like a time waster? If he says this now then should I take this as a sign that this may not be the best situation? I am past the point in my life where I think I can change someone or something as the only one I can change is myself. And, I can admit it, I want to get married and have children one day. Is this a lost cause? We seem to get on well (but after knowing each other for two weeks how well can you know a person) and I enjoy his company. What does everyone think?
darkmoon Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 he is dropping hints to not expect marriage, he says how bad most marriages are, he's being honest about himself imho
Woggle Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 Just because a person has a cynical attitude towards marriage does not mean they can't be a good spouse. I am very happy in my marriage but be honest and ask yourself if marriage is working out for most people these days. It's just the reality of the society we live in today. If this is his only issue I would give him a chance.
FitChick Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 (edited) I'd ask him why he thinks his two younger brothers are happily married but he got a divorce. Edited May 6, 2012 by FitChick
Art_Critic Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 Does this sound like a time waster? It is if you want to be married with a kid someday.. for whatever reason, either by choice or there is something not clicking he is single and never been married in his 40's.. many people call that a red flag, but it does really depend on why his is single as not every guy in their 40's not ever being married has issues... He seems like he is being fairly upfront about his future needs, and those don't include a wife and kids so the choice is yours at this point...
spiderowl Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 I would say, yes, if he is saying this now, not even having got to know you, he probably means it. Someone who takes a strong view like this either has something seriously against marriage or (in my opinion) is using it as a power play. By stating something so strongly that is likely to be controversial in the context of romance, he's subtly 'encouraging' the other person to argue the opposite case. I would advise you don't do this at all. In relationship terms, any attempt to point out the good side of marriage would just prove to him that you can be manipulated and that he could use that against you. Look up push/pull dynamics online. If he targets this at the right person, he can start off in a position of power - the one to be persuaded - and continue in it as long as you let him. I think you are absolutely right to realise you can't change him and that it would be pointless to try. He probably ends up in a series of relationships where the woman wants to get married and he doesn't. Careful enquiries about his history would reveal this. Don't let him manipulate you. I'd advise you move on and find someone who does share your view of marriage and not waste time on this guy.
Author mortensorchid Posted May 6, 2012 Author Posted May 6, 2012 I'd ask him why he thinks his two younger brothers are happily married but he got a divorce. He said he has never been married, therefore he cannot be divorced, in case you misread this. But I agree with other answers. This struck me as a red flag that he said he is so strongly opposed to marriage, he seems like a good guy on the surface but ... If that's the case then that's the case. I better keep my options open.
travelbug1996 Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 Doesn't sound like he actually believes in marriage. Chuck him.
jennisfora Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 if not wanting to get married is a dealbreaker for you, be honest with him, and say sorry, but i do want to get married someday, and it sounds like you never want to get married, so this is a dealbreaker, but it was nice to have met you.
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 Not sure how you would even consider being with this guy. In man speak he's basically saying; "Look sunshine, don't expect anything grand and spectacular out of this situation here...I'm not married for a reason and I am going to try to explain to you how human nature gives me a get out of jail free card If things go anywhere near being unpleasant between us...now I'm going to ask you how you feel about this to see how gullible and easily manipulated you are...possibly you're a total fool and won't have any kind of reaction towards this and take the bait...then I'm good to go with this since you're already going to understand I'm not big on "commitment"" It's basically a buffer, a release of liability, sign the contract so that when you become emotional like the other women and want to get very serious I can wave it in front of your face and reiterate the human nature speech as well as not believing in marriage. Also the fact that he acknowledges that his two younger bros are happily married means that logically he understands It's therefore possible for himself to experience the same, yet still rejects the idea. If he's such a genius of human nature ask him If his brothers defied human law are just two living miracles? It's completely a lost cause and a time sink, however even though you acknowledge wanting children and to be married one day the majority of women I see actually believe they can accept an alternative, then later on down the road realize they can't so now there's a huge conflict of interest and there goes all your time invested in this relationship because you're back at square one and NOW you realize that you should have trusted your instincts.
Author mortensorchid Posted May 12, 2012 Author Posted May 12, 2012 You all were right. I decided based on the responses and looking back on his comments that he was/is a time waster. I couldn't trust him to do much of anything that required responsibility. And he did not call/text at all this week, so it's over with. Maybe he felt he had to say it upfront, but it's better to find that out now rather than later.
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