Men have so many options and I'm sick of it!*

[sid3]

There are more options for men in NE. I'm not complaining.

[iris219]

I'm sure you've done this already... but the biggest thing is consistency in words and actions... every time.

 

When you observe something they say and something they do being out of whack... that is your 'tell' that they may be a good liar.

 

Dig deep on this one. It can be tough when you are lonely. It is easy to doubt yourself and drop your bar for character.

 

Will also say that you may have to change your social circle where you are... and do more work... very TANGENTIAL work.... to gain access to the circles where people who don't engage in this behavior exist.

 

Tangential meaning... developing your network and friendships with people who never, ever do drugs. Have no history of addictions of any kind. Are stable and long-term married. It can be tough because they usually are hanging out with people just like them... and they will be (understandably) wary of you too. Be patient. Earn their trust.

 

Continue to be a person of value, and you will find friendships among other people of value.

 

I didn’t recognize the signs of drug use because I don’t have any experience with users. That’s not the kind of people I have in my life. I have a great network of friends. Unfortunately, the majority of them are paired up and they don’t know ANY single men.

 

I agree that there were eventually signs and I ignored them because I liked him and didn’t want to believe he was bad news. It’s hard when you’re lonely, ready to start a family, and rarely meet single men. It’s to the point where I feel like I have to be willing to give any single man a chance because they are such a rare species around here.

 

Exactly what was he popping that didn't make him act like he was popping?

 

I never asked. I would assume pain pills. Isn't that what people generally abuse?

 

The guy is known for having a spastic personality. I just thought he was quirky, and apparently so did other people.

[phineas]

Actually, I thought it was those guys who have to have sex before they would consider being in a relationship or 'exclusive'.

 

I realize we are at odds here... if the woman won't have sex with the guy until they are 'exclusive'... and the guy won't be exclusive until she has sex with him... then it looks like it ain't happnin.

 

As it is, lots of guys claim to be exclusive, but have lots of stuff in the fine print.

 

I know what that looks like too. Which is why I stick to friend of friends and people in my social circle now. Those men aren't going to get away with being douches forever. Also, it is pretty good odds in my current social circle that I'm not going to get surprised by a secret drug habit or criminal record.

 

so basically you past inability to sense D-bags now has you paranoid of dating anyone who isn't from your social circle & you complain about lack of suitable men?

 

You do realize how narrowing down your potentials like you have makes it seem like you don't really want to date anyone don't you?

[phineas]

I didn’t recognize the signs of drug use because I don’t have any experience with users. That’s not the kind of people I have in my life. I have a great network of friends. Unfortunately, the majority of them are paired up and they don’t know ANY single men.

 

I agree that there were eventually signs and I ignored them because I liked him and didn’t want to believe he was bad news. It’s hard when you’re lonely, ready to start a family, and rarely meet single men. It’s to the point where I feel like I have to be willing to give any single man a chance because they are such a rare species around here.

 

 

 

I never asked. I would assume pain pills. Isn't that what people generally abuse?

 

The guy is known for having a spastic personality. I just thought he was quirky, and apparently so did other people.

 

like I said, i've never had an addict fool me.

If he did it recreationally (wasn't addicted) then maybe if he only did it alone away from other people.

[RedRobin]

There are more options for men in NE. I'm not complaining.

 

So... guys move to NE and give Sid a run for his money, ha ha.

 

With my luck, I'll move out West right as the scale would be tipping in my favor in the NE.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Maybe i'm thinking of someone else on this forum but didn't you move to your city relatively recently only to discover this?

 

Nah, I lived here for 12 years P.

 

My family is here and I have a good job. It would be silly to leave all that just to move to another town with better single men stats

[Eternal Sunshine]

RedRobin is right girls: consistency between words and actions is the key. I really dropped a bar on this one with my ex. There were flags from the start that I ignored because he seemed nice and honest enough.

 

Also, if something feels off and you don't even necessarily know what: RUN.

[RedRobin]

so basically you past inability to sense D-bags now has you paranoid of dating anyone who isn't from your social circle & you complain about lack of suitable men?

 

You do realize how narrowing down your potentials like you have makes it seem like you don't really want to date anyone don't you?

 

A couple of sayings come to mind:

 

- fool me once shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me.

 

- The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

 

If most of my experiences with OLD/Meetups/random approaches were some spectrum of f-ed men (the definition of f-ed up, I realize, is completely subjective), then yea... I'm sticking to my social circle and ones that can be verified. At least where I live right now.

 

I'm sure it does make it look like I don't want to date anyone. And you know what? I don't want to date 'anyone'. I want to date men who don't have those issues. Those men won't likely be swimming in my social circle/work environment. Plus, the men in my social circle have something to lose if they aren't dating seriously. Even the horn dogs in my social circle will troll the OLD sites for awhile and pick up casual/short-term relationships when they are overcoming a divorce, etc. When they are ready for a serious relationship, those kinds of men always choose women they know IRL.

 

Makes my job ALOT easier.

[phineas]

Nah, I lived here for 12 years P.

 

My family is here and I have a good job. It would be silly to leave all that just to move to another town with better single men stats

 

I don't remember who it was but someone said they relocated & was told by one of the dating agencies that she moved to the wrong city.

[Eclypse]

This has been my experience as well. I am puzzled by guys that post here.

 

In my whole life, I knew 2 dateless wonders that could relate to guys on here. They were extremely socially inept. Either extremely shy or just came across as creepy/weird (didn't know what are socially acceptable things to say/not say, had weird mannerisms, overly-intense stares etc). It's hard to describe.

 

My boss is short, beer bellied, over 40 man with reddish hair. Barely average looking (I am being generous). Yet, he is so extremly confident, smart and full of charisma that young hot babes are falling over themselves to flirt with him (he is married).

 

Social charisma may not be enough only if a guy is extremely unattractive.

 

I have also observed that dateless wonders on here have no friends - suggesting a difficulty in relating to people in general. Men with social charisma will have people of both sexes drawn to them.

 

This has been my experience too. I know very few guys who are so hopeless at dating. But then again if it is true they don't have friends, then it is no surprise that I don't know any then is it! Clearly they aren't friends with me.

 

As for the issue at hand, I wouldn't say that I have an inexhaustible number of options. I'm a 21 year old guy, reasonably good looking, fit, don't smoke, drink or do drugs and university educated. Sure there are a number of women I could potentially ask out who would say yes, perhaps even agree to ONS or FWB arrangements but the way Iris described it makes it sound like these men are literally beating women off with a stick and getting so much p*ssy that they've stopped caring. Where do these people live?! I want to move

[RedRobin]

Nah, I lived here for 12 years P.

 

My family is here and I have a good job. It would be silly to leave all that just to move to another town with better single men stats

 

yea, I agree that moving on the off-chance of meeting more men wouldn't be wise.

 

In my case, the area is rather depressed economically and I have no family here. There really isn't anything keeping me here except (if you've read my other posts)... I've developed strong ties to friends and community here. Have a house I've put a ton of work into and love.

 

I couldn't fail to notice though... I'm going to ALOT of going away parties recently.

 

So, not sure what the future holds for me... but I am trying to find work in a location that is better overall... economically and man-wise

[RedRobin]

Where do these people live?! I want to move

 

If you are a man, anywhere east of the Mississippi appears to be the land o' plenty.

 

 

National Geographic Magazine's 'Singles Map'

[phineas]

If you are a man, anywhere east of the Mississippi appears to be the land o' plenty.

 

 

National Geographic Magazine's 'Singles Map'

 

10K more women! represent.

Now if it only said what age these women were....

 

Edit:

 

Check this out. Same map with Age sliders!

http://www.xoxosoma.com/singles/

 

Crap. 35-45 = 16 more men per woman.

Edited May 6, 2012 by phineas

[Els]

As a girl myself, OP, I really don't know too many men who have 23637869347832 women queued up after them. Yes, there are a few guys who do - and out of those few, some of them baffle me as well (not terribly good looking, rich, nice, or intelligent). However, they aren't the norm by far, I don't think.

 

I think there is an equal proportion of both men and women with such 'success', if you could call it that - that proportion just seems to be less appearance-based in men. That doesn't make it any more normal.

 

Me, I can only pity the girls going after the frat boy players. You reap what you sow - and they'll be reaping bountifully in the not-so-distant future, I'd wager.

[phineas]

As a girl myself, OP, I really don't know too many men who have 23637869347832 women queued up after them. Yes, there are a few guys who do - and out of those few, some of them baffle me as well (not terribly good looking, rich, nice, or intelligent). However, they aren't the norm by far, I don't think.

 

I think there is an equal proportion of both men and women with such 'success', if you could call it that - that proportion just seems to be less appearance-based in men. That doesn't make it any more normal.

 

Me, I can only pity the girls going after the frat boy players. You reap what you sow - and they'll be reaping bountifully in the not-so-distant future, I'd wager.

 

They wind up my age single, probably with a kid or two (not same father) getting very little in the way of child support.

 

Or still single, never married & no kids.

 

Yay me.

[Els]

They wind up my age single, probably with a kid or two (not same father) getting very little in the way of child support.

 

Or still single, never married & no kids.

 

Yay me.

 

Well, what sort of women were YOU going after in your youth, conversely?

[dreamingoftigers]

The thing is, these guys don’t seem like scumbags at first. And really they aren’t terrible people—they’re just too screwed up to have relationships.

What these guys have going for them is they actually listen and seem interested in what women have to say. They are fun, smart, outgoing, great conversationalists, and they seem concerned about others.

 

It’s only after they suck you in that you realize they have a drug problem, they have no interest in settling down, they live in squalor, they have no job, and/or are really selfish. I’m not talking about abusive men or smelly, toothless homeless guys here. I mean men who are not relationship material, but who seem to have so much potential. Unfortunately, they will never live up to it.

 

And this is what my homeless, alcoholic boyfriend who became my fiancé in three months and then my husband that year had going for him.

 

If "nice" guys learned to listen, emote and close the deal, they'd be in more relationships.

 

Seriously, when I was younger I NEVER understood why a man would be single. They didn't need to have "perfect figures" or not be a spaz. They just need to show up and ask a few of the right questions and not be unbelievably ignorant. Then they'd get dates.

 

If they were that one guy at the club, they'd ask every girl to dance, regardless of how she looked, then every girl there would want to dance with them. He'd talk to every girl, just to get to know her and introduce himself a little.

 

Jeez, do what gay men do.... Listen, understand, talk about sex.

 

So many women fall in live with their gay friends.

[phineas]

Well, what sort of women were YOU going after in your youth, conversely?

 

I hit on all women that I found attractive.

And usually failed miserably. LOL!

 

I didn't really pay attention to the type of woman they were until AFTER my divorce & got in shape & started noticing behavioral patterns that tell me the type of person they are.

 

I probably noticed this because I went out with a lot of different women after I got in shape.

 

More than my whole 20's.

[RedRobin]

10K more women! represent.

Now if it only said what age these women were....

 

Edit:

 

Check this out. Same map with Age sliders!

The New, Interactive Singles Map. Or, Looking for Love in All the Statistically Wrong Places.

 

Crap. 35-45 = 16 more men per woman.

 

Great update to that map! Really helps narrow things down.

 

FTR, I'm in the 35-45 age group. 11 more women than men where I'm at. Even worse just a little south. Only getting worse as I get older. Really. The grass really *IS* greener for me out West.

 

Wanna swap houses?

[phineas]

Great update to that map! Really helps narrow things down.

 

FTR, I'm in the 35-45 age group. 11 more women than men where I'm at. Even worse just a little south. Only getting worse as I get older. Really. The grass really *IS* greener for me out West.

 

Wanna swap houses?

 

It doesn't look good for me until I hit the 55 age group. Then the red dot's look like nuke strikes on a war map.

 

I'm putting a deck & hot tub on my house this month.

sure.

[chimneychamp]

The problem with that map is that it deals in total population numbers rather than percentages. Is 40,000 singles in the LA-Long Beach-Santa Ana area really too bad compared with that 10,000 dot over Montana? (Mantana, perhaps)...

 

So, not sure what the future holds for me... but I am trying to find work in a location that is better overall... economically and man-wise

 

If you really want a change, and can stomach it, try the northwest corner of North Dakota. Thousands of lonely men making $100,000+. Anyone can have a job in the first week. I'm not exaggerating.

Edited May 6, 2012 by chimneychamp

[somedude81]

That doesn't make any sense.

 

By those guy descriptions, I should have women throwing their bras at me whenever I walk by.

 

What the hell is going on?

[EasyHeart]

Check this out. Same map with Age sliders!

The New, Interactive Singles Map. Or, Looking for Love in All the Statistically Wrong Places.

That's an interesting map!

 

But I'm curious: almost all the areas with surplus women are in the Old South. I live on the other side of the country, so this is a question for all you Southerners: What is it about that region that's attracting women/repelling men?

 

Another point: there's always going to be geographic distribution of men and women, but there's also generational distribution. Women tend to marry men who are their age or older, so for people born during times of increasing birth rates (eg, the Baby Boom), there will be a surplus of women because each subsequent birth-year has more people in it. The converse is true, too: during times of decreasing birth rates, there will be a surplus of men, because there are fewer people (and thus fewer women) in each subsequent birth year.

 

I think the baby-boom peaked in the late-1950s and birth rates fell for about 20 years after that. So for people who are early 50s-early 30s right now, there is going to be a surplus of men; for those younger than that there will be a surplus of women.

[somedude81]

Just saw that map.

 

And now I really need to get out of SoCal.

 

Looks like I should move to one of those states. West Carolina or something.

 

Edit:

 

Just realized that you can control the age range in that map.

 

Narrow the ranges to 18-40 and it's nothing but big blue dots. What the hell?

Edited May 6, 2012 by somedude81

[RedRobin]

That doesn't make any sense.

 

By those guy descriptions, I should have women throwing their bras at me whenever I walk by.

 

What the hell is going on?

 

You live in So-Cal... check the map, buddy!

 

Carhill told you to move. So did I.

 

You've got the reverse problem going on. Average women are batting away men like flies. A tough market for the approach you use.

 

Don't feel too bad though. I'm in the same boat. I'm not willing to claw and scratch my way through to get to the available men in my area. Mostly because I think that is a loser's game.

 

This reminds me of that comedian who was screaming about starvation in Africa....

 

MOVE TO WHERE THE FOOD IS!!! THERE IS NO FOOD IN THE DESERT!!!!

 

Move to where the men/women are. Or at least try. The world is a big place.