Dirtyeggroll Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 So my gf spent the night last night and she fell asleep but left her phone on next to her and I know its not right and I probably shouldn't have done it but I went through her phone to look at her texts. And found out some stuff and don't know what to do. For starters we have been talking for the past 7 months acting just like a couple would until we decided to make it official about a month and a half ago. As a side note, we haven't had sex for the past 3 months due to a viral infection that I have so we have been abstinent and I know she is extremely sexually frustrated and in her phone I saw her talking to one of her best girl friends and she said " I want Matt... I suck." This guy is one of her good friends so Im thinking=g she is referring to sexually wanting him and maybe just because she hasn't gotten any from me is why she is thinking that way? But more importantly and on top of that before me, she dated her ex for over a year and claimed that she loved him. He however cheated on her twice and they have remained acquaintances for the past year. However just recently my gf told me that her ex was coming into town and asked me if it was okay if she could meet up with her ex just to catch up. I trust her and knew she wouldn't do anything and I know she didnt do anything. It was a one time visit and since the visit I discovered after going through her phone that they have been talking since the visit which was about a week ago. I only let her visit with her ex because I don't want to be that controlling bf and tell her what she can and can't do but now I am wondering if it was a mistake to let her. In her texts she said things to her ex like: "I still have feelings for you but its hard to see you because I am currently in a relationship and I am trying to make my current relationship work but Im just not feeling it." "I compare my current bf to you all the time and I have like this wall up that I can;t bring down. I only started dating him because I felt like it was time to date him and I don't know what to do." (However all her friends told me that she was glad to finally be official with me and that she was happy with her decision to be official when I asked her so why is she saying this to her ex?) Her ex comes back for the summer in late June and she said to him " Maybe we should wait till you come back and see where that leaves us." I just dont know how to handle all this I feel stupid, betrayed, and depressed. I have always put my full trust in her and it hurts to hear her say these things because for the past 7 months I truly thought she was different then other girls. I thought she was the one and hearing this stuff makes me realize she is just like my exes. My past two exes and I dealt with the same "Ex BF bull****". Meaning that before my exes dated me they had been in long loving relationships and I had to deal with the ex bf while we were dating and they both still had feelings for their exes just like my current gf clearly does. Am I the idiot for putting myself in this situation if I knew she had a long term loving relationship? I just lost hope and don't know what to do. Just for once I would like a relationship to work in my favor. For once I want to be the guy that the girl is in love (AKA my gf's ex) with and not the guy on the other side of the fence. How can I speak with her about this? I can't just say how I was goign through her phone. But this is really bugging me now and idk what to do and could use some advice. I would greatly appreciate it.
Cracker Jack Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 (edited) That's pretty rough, man. I've been in this situation before. She's thinking about her next move. Unfortunately the relationship likely isn't going to get any better now that she's considering working it out with her ex, as well as thinking of other men in general. I think you should just be straightforward at this point. She'll know you went through her phone, yes, but I'm not sure if there's any other way to bring it up. You really have nothing to lose at this point. If you don't bring it up at all, she'll likely continue pretending everything is okay while still talking to her ex and you'll just get hurt even more thinking about it. Don't try to hold it in and wait for the perfect moment. You're not an idiot. Edited May 5, 2012 by Cracker Jack
Author Dirtyeggroll Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 I just dont know. I am still in shock. Like i know she likes me b/c she wouldnt have kept talking to me for the past 7 months if she didn't and her ex was never a problem and she reassured me that they were just friends. But after this past visit i feel like everything is different and maybe if I didn't let her hang out with her ex none of this would be happening....
Cracker Jack Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 Yeah, I understand what you're saying. However, you have to understand that it has nothing to do with you. It's all on her. I'm sure she had feelings for you during those months, but...sometimes that love for their ex never disappears. When I was in your situation, I thought I did everything right, but for whatever reason, her lying cheating ex still had an upperhand, despite treating her like crap. Even if you were against her hanging out with her ex, she would still feel this way. It just sounds like her mind's not into the relationship anymore. Sometimes these things are simply out of our control. Eventually you're going to have to bring it up and see where it goes. It's simply not healthy to continue on like this.
spiderowl Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 I feel for you because this must have been a shock. I think you're going to have to bring it up, even if you did sneak a look at her phone. It's just going to eat away at you unless you do. I think, in your situation, I would wait till we had time together without interruption and then tell her what happened and that you couldn't resist looking. I'd tell her what I found and how it affected me. I'd also tell her that we should finish as I wouldn't want only half her heart like this. Leave her to explain or talk about it. I wouldn't expect anything good from this meeting other than clearing the air. I know you want her and would not want to finish things but what's the alternative? I wouldn't hesitate to offer her the way out. She doesn't have to take it but I'd need some pretty convincing explanation as to what was going on before I'd trust her.
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 (edited) You probably won't take my advice, because you're not the kind of guy...but you should be. What do you do? You dump her. You tell her that you know how she feels for her ex and that "she's not feeling this" so go ahead, she's free to do what she likes...she doesn't have to "wait until next time" to do whatever It is she's planning on doing with her cheater boyfriend who's still playing her heart like a fiddle and would probably just cheat on her again.. So by all means, go ahead...there's the door, enjoy your life with casanova...obviously she's not interested with a secure and boring relationship with you...there's not enough fire and intensity aka drama in the relationship. Tell her you're done, tell her you thought she was different but obviously she's just another wrapped up girl that's into her ex bf who's trying to give and look past all the ****ty things he's done to you so you can be with him again. If she needs to learn the same lesson twice, knock yourself out, you're giving her the key to that door. ................................ You've been too nice of a guy, too accommodating and these women are using you for a crutch so they don't have to face their fears of being alone and being vulnerable. That's not your responsibility, as soon as you find out a woman is still into her ex, cut her off and don't look back or at least have the attitude. What do you think you're going to accomplish? She's got issues you can't change, you're not the love medic, stop investing with damaged women and women who are ruled by their issues so they end up with guys who treat them like dirt and beat their head against a wall. Find someone "available", someone who knows better and can see through that crap and most importantly someone who loves you the same for who you really are, not this timid guy you are now afraid to lose women and trying to save them and baby them while you put how you feel always in second. Your problem likely is you sit around and so worried about a woman's needs and making her happy that you put yours on the backburner, you don't know how to be a jerk or ******* when you need to be, you believe all the things women say and you think that means you can be the white knight that saves the damsel in distress...well I got news for your Mr.eggroll, women say one thing but want another, so everything you've heard and think stop looking at it black and white, and start seeing the grey. They don't want a man who doesn't do anything and just gets walked over and just acts nice all the time. They want a man who they feel like is of value, someone who they feels is some sort of a prize, at least in their minds, women like men for a reason, not so you can act like a woman yourself. As much as you see most women complain you'll see them going right back to the men they are bitching about. So stop being so kind and inconsiderate for yourself, weak and vulnerable and start getting tough and demanding, and develop a real sense of value and self-worth, because your reactions shouldn't be "how do i talk to my delicate little flower about this"...you should be pissed off and make a stand, you might not win her over and save the relationship, but at least you'd show you have respect for yourself, expectations and that you're not just going to sit on the sidelines until she leaves you for this guy in the future. Edited May 5, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas 3
Author Dirtyeggroll Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 You are right to an extent. Idk why i am the guy that i am but i am. I just cant see myself breaking up with her. Its like if she gave me a proper explanation I would probably stay with her. I dont have it in me to break up with her right now. Even though signs say i should. I am just still deep in shock because this isnt the girl i have come to know and love these past 7 months
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 You are right to an extent. Idk why i am the guy that i am but i am. I just cant see myself breaking up with her. Its like if she gave me a proper explanation I would probably stay with her. I dont have it in me to break up with her right now. Even though signs say i should. I am just still deep in shock because this isnt the girl i have come to know and love these past 7 months People only show a certain side of themselves to you...it is only through the relationship to you start to peel back the layers and see the person for who they really are...who you think the person is in the beginning of a relationship is usually the person they are trying to be rather than the person they really are. Many women date men and continue to stay with them because of how they made them feel and treated them in the beginning...even though after everything has gone down hill, they still hold onto that...however that's not the true person. You won't get a proper explanation, you'll just look for a reason to accept what this person is doing and find "hope" in salvaging the relationship...however now you understand how she still hangs onto her ex, you're hanging on to her, she's hanging on to him. You're both doing the same thing but to different people.
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