Silver_star Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 I started seeing this guy casually early 2011. We had talked for a long time before that a couple of years, but didn't actually meet up until early 2011. We connected so easy. We had a strong physical chemistry and attraction. I didnt think it would turn into anything serious just fun sex, and I kind of just wanted to go with the flow but I developed feelings for him by the summer time, and he moved away to go to school. I thought that would be it, but he started to email and message me and we continued talking almost every day for 6 months while he was away at school. He seemed to like me alot, and I thought maybe when he got back it could turn into something more. We sent some naughty pics back and forth, and one video. He asked me to come visit him in March and he was set to graduate in April or June, but just before valentines day he all of a sudden changed his facebook status to "In a relationship". The girl he was seeing was a girl from back home and I was blindsighted. I knew we werent "together" but I still thought he was into me, and the fact that he had another relationship obviously more important than me going on at the same time hurt really bad. Especially since he was talking to me a few days before that and telling me he missed me and how sexy I was and beautiful I was....I felt totally rejected seeing that update. So confused. I instantly deleted him from my phone, facebook, gmail so I couldnt see his updates or be tempted to dial him up in a weak moment.... Its been well over 2 months now and he is still with her, and I still feel hurt. I wonder if he ever thinks about me. I wonder how he could just forget about me? I wonder if he is going to come back and try to have me in his life again, and I wonder if I would allow that to happen. I mean, he is moving back pretty soon. I feel pretty weak right now. I never got any closure. i miss him alot. I used to talk to him almost everyday. Should I hold onto any kind of hope? Is the kind of chemistry we had worth throwing away forever?
firehawk_1 Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 yes. move on. you wanted just sex and games and you got it. 2
Author Silver_star Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 Well I wanted sex at first and then developed feelings. Not so much games. I dont see how I wanted games. But thanks for the advice?
Author Silver_star Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 I want to move on. I wish I could. I really dont know how. i figured I could be over it by now but i'm not. I know my heads in the right place by trying to get over him, but my my heart is still hurting. It is hard to ignore it.
findingnemo Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 Someone should come up with rules for Rs. Why do people think they can do casual sex? Most people actually can't do long term casual sex. In fact it's an oxymoron. Casual sex should be a one time thing. I do not know any woman who has gone into this kind of arrangement and didn't develop feelings along the way. Not a single one. Men on the other hand seem capable of separating sex from love. I doubt that this applies to all men though. So you convinced this guy that you were not seeing each other - just having fun. He bought it. He met someone who wants to have a real R and he decided to be with her. Who doesn't want someone who loves them? Someone who loves them exclusively? someone who expects the same thing? I also suggest you let him go. Either that or you let him chase you. You know...the normal way Rs develop. If he wants you back, he must do everything including posting pics of you on his FB for all to see. You must tell him how you really feel and what you want. Anything less than what you want is unacceptable. And please learn from this that not all of us can do casual sex...it's not really your style. ETA: You're not the other woman. You will only become so if you let him back in your life without setting some serious ground rules and expectations.
whichwayisup Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 instantly deleted him from my phone, facebook, gmail so I couldnt see his updates or be tempted to dial him up in a weak moment.... You did the right thing by deleting all his contact info. Easier for you to work through the hurt and pain so you can move on with your life. Its been well over 2 months now and he is still with her, and I still feel hurt. I wonder if he ever thinks about me. I wonder how he could just forget about me? I wonder if he is going to come back and try to have me in his life again, and I wonder if I would allow that to happen. I mean, he is moving back pretty soon. I feel pretty weak right now. I never got any closure. i miss him alot. I used to talk to him almost everyday. Should I hold onto any kind of hope? Is the kind of chemistry we had worth throwing away forever? WHY would you want him back anyway? Look at how he's treated you! Such disrespect. Don't hold onto hope, he isn't a 'great' guy at all. Just because there was chemistry there doesn't mean 'love' or long term relationship material. He's shown you who he is by his actions. You need to ask yourself why you'd want someone like that in your life.
whichwayisup Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 I want to move on. I wish I could. I really dont know how. i figured I could be over it by now but i'm not. I know my heads in the right place by trying to get over him, but my my heart is still hurting. It is hard to ignore it. Grieve the loss by giving up hope and letting go. You still have this wonderful fantasy and are holding onto how he made you feel. He has a girlfriend and didn't tell you about her! You found out by seeing it on facebook. Yuck! You don't really "know" this guy either and from the sounds of it, he doesn't seem like a loving or sincere kind of guy.
alexandria35 Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 I think it was pretty cold of the guy to let you find out about the girlfriend by reading his fb status instead of telling you. Otherwise it sounds like you got exactly what you agreed to. You offered him no strings attached sex and he took it. If you don't like it then don't offer it. Don't be sending nude pictures of yourself to guys who don't even love you either. If you want someone to value you then treat yourself like you have value.
Author Silver_star Posted May 6, 2012 Author Posted May 6, 2012 Thank you for the insight guys. Good or bad. I know it is a messy situation I got myself into. I do understand that this is a consequence of my decision to see this guy to begin with, but it doesnt mean that I thought it would work this way. I do think it was unfair to find out on facebook. I think that if he had been upfront with me i would have taken it alot better than a new facebook status all of a sudden. Regarding the pics and the video. When I look back on it, yeah it was a risky and foolish thing to do, he is a "photographer" and a very charming guy so of course I fell for his charm and I wasnt thinking clearly when I sent them, and he always sent me pics and videos of himself when we were getting "sexty", so I figured it worked in a equal way...if he ever "outed" my pics or video I could do the same to him....Anyways regardless of my logic at the time I wish I hadn't sent him anything. Because now there is no way of getting that back, and he always has access to those pics/video. So I did learn my lesson there. I don't worry to much about them because I don't think he would have the desire to post them for any reason, and the ones where I have little or no clothes on I kept my face out of the shot. I "value" everyone, even if they are not someone I want to be with forever, and I would expect the same in return. I dont think I put myself out there to be disrespected or not valued like some people have mentioned. I just put myself out there, and I dont regret my decision to have casual sex with him and try it out (because it was my first time doing that) because it was passionate and real, and exciting and gave me butterflies. I just feel like I now know that I am not capable of maintaining a cavalier attitude about sex. I cant continue to see someone physically, and then maintain a relationship where we talk almost daily...and pretend that person doesnt mean more to me than that of a stranger. I think its pretty whacked that some people can do that. I did care about him, and I thought he cared about me...at least on some level.
MissBee Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 (edited) Hi Silver, Your description seems like it was more about sexual attraction versus a real relationship built on emotional intimacy and other important factors. You met online it seems, waited a year to meet up, only saw each other briefly, you thought it was casual, it was, he calls you "sexy and beautiful" and you send naughty pics and videos. This isn't how sustainable, loving, relationships are. You can have sexual chemistry and do all of these things with ANY number of people...and he probably does. It can be easy to confuse strong physical/chemical attraction with something meaningful and worthwhile...but it is actually easy to tell the difference and even how you describe your relationship naturally, it reveals that it is more about those kinds of superficial things and not anything that seems like a once-in-a-lifetime heartfelt bond. I think as women we have to know ourselves and also understand men. Many of us are not wired for "casual sex" yet society tells you it's the in-thing to do. Many of us get into situations where we have no idea if it's a relationship, we're having sex, getting mixed messages and building fantasies around something that is not going to go anywhere. You have to decide what you want from a man, take it slow and watch and see how he treats you and what he wants from you and if they are compatible. Yet most of us have sex first, get our feelings tied up and then ask questions later. A man can say you're beautiful and sexy and really think so...that doesn't mean he loves you, wants you to be his gf, wants a relationship, plans on marrying you, doesn't sleep with other women etc. Sometimes as women we act like men are dogs, yet the truth is, a lot of times we're the ones who construe simple things into more than they are. A man can sleep with you and even talk to you a lot, because he likes talking to you, likes having sex with you, likes the attention, likes that you like him, etc....yet not be emotionally attached to you. This seems to be the case. Often, as women, when we do the above, it is because we REALLY like a man and want to invest in him, most of us are simply wired that way as a species. For men, that is not always the case, and so many times there is miscommunication and hurt feelings because a woman is reading these behaviors as signs of love, seriousness, etc and a man is thinking it is another. He may have thought you realized it was casual, he may have thought you wouldn't care if he got a gf, he may have thought a lot of stuff or just be a jerk....but what is a fact is that there was no clear goal or boundaries in this relationship, so it is hard for you or him to know what can rightfully be expected in a "non-relationship". Just having sex, talking a lot but never actually defining your relationship, which is what "casual" is, usually means you have no idea where you stand and have no idea what is appropriate to bring up, feel, address etc. I have been there and realized I hate it. I think you should understand this and realize that this was not even a relationship and doesn't seem that deep and you will get over it, don't hold out "hope" as there are other men out there who you can date, have great sex, conversation etc. with. This guy is not your last chance...it just takes a while sometimes to get it out of your system, but you won't feel badly forever. Edited May 6, 2012 by MissBee
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