angelj Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 Hello, I have been dating my boyfriend for a little under 2 years and we have lived together about 7 months. I will try to sum up this information for you guys - but I cannot pinpoint the problem here. I stumbled across passive aggressive disorder today and it sounds strikingly similar to his behaviors. My b/f and I have a very fun, giddy relationship but we keep on a weekly or bi-weekly basis having these horrible episodes. They will always stem from some sort of pent-up anger he has and it ALWAYS gets taken out on me. This has happened since the beginning of our relationship (alcohol almost always being a factor in the anger) but they stopped for several months. Then external stressors appeared and they are now occurring way more often. It is getting almost unbearable. For example: Last weekend (saturday) we had a horrific night. He must have drank 20 beers and then yelled at me for 4 hours straight. The next day we cried, said we would work on his problems and our problems together, seek some help, get through this as we are too precious to throw away. The week was pure bliss. Then, Friday arrives and he comes home with 2 six packs. Right then, I should have known this would end up in a problem. We ended up fishing at the beach with his friends - everything was FINE until about 4-5 beers deep. Then suddenly, everything was getting dramatic. Not really in front of his friends - but more to me, everything I said or did was wrong. We left (I was in a perfectly happy mood) and from the moment we got in the car, EVERYTHING I did meant I was pissed off at him, and I certainly was not. The way I walked, the speed I walked, the way I look at him, the tone of my voice, the way I carried myself, the way I carried the bag of groceries in from the car, I laughed at something I read on the computer and he insisted I was doing it on purpose to show him I was pissed at him??? I kept INSISTING I was not mad and asking for him to kindly stop, it was really getting crazy. Needless to say, he would not let up. I came downstairs "are you still in a mood?" I am actually perfectly happy "Nope, when you answer in a sentence like that, it means you're pissed" OMG! I made a comment about someone on TV - "WHAT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS MUMBLE" At this point, I knew I couldn't win. I went to bed. He came to bed - threw the remotes at my side of the bed. I started flipping the channels to find something he would want to watch with me as we fell asleep. (we always have the sleep timer on) "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IF YOU WANT TO WATCH TV GO DOWNSTAIRS" Ok, but i thought we always leave it on? "I HAVE THE SLEEP TIMER SET ALREADY DAMMIT" ok so I'll find something to put on? "FORGET THIS I HATE YOU I HATE THIS HOUSE" goes downstairs and sleeps on the couch. I tried to reason with him, apologize *when I did nothing* and get him to just move on but nope, made him scream more and he stayed there. He finally came to bed around 7 am - cuddled with the dog but wouldn't speak to me or even look at me. Slept until 11 and I had to be the one to make conversation. Wouldn't speak about last night just said "add it to the list of our awesome chalkboard of fights. I should just turn gay - a man would be easier to deal with than you" THIS WAS NOT MY FAULT??!!!!! I promise loveshack community - I am not an evil, rude, bitchy, nagging girlfriend! Even his friends always ask me how I deal with him all the time. Should I mention - he has withheld sex from me for months because I am not on birth control (1st due to a medical condition - finally got clearance to take it and 2nd I was unemployed for 5 months due to a lay off - no insurance couldn't buy it) so he just wont sleep with me until I am on it. Its really taking a toll on us. Thoughts?
analystfromhell Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 Do you have insurance now and are just waiting for the first month of pills to be gone so you are "safe"? I can understand why he would not have sex with you when either of you are unemployed and not protected- although of course condoms might be an option. Having a child would obviously not be a smart thing to do in the current circumstances. Was he "witholding" sex from you? I was confused as you referenced a medical condition and then the birth control. Sorry, that bit wasn't clear to me- and I don't get who had the medical condition nor what the reasoning was (other than wanting to make sure there were no children). Could the lack of sex be contributing to this or did he have anger issues beforehand? Does this only happens when he drinks? If so, and if you have insurance perhaps some counseling on why he drinks to excess (meaning he losses control or does things he later regrets). If he kept it to 1 or 2 is he fine or do these outbursts come up when he's completely sober and did they happen all along or just lately?
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 Ugh, honestly one of the things I love about my W is she doesn't drink. I hear more problems on this forum because of alcohol.... And I don't think he should demand you be on the pill. I've heard so many horror stories about what that crap does to women hormonally...my w, my SIL, my sister. It will actually kill your libido and possibly make you gain weight. My SIL actually had a seizure and massive headaches all the time that didn't stop until she got off of it. I don't know what the deal is with other men...for me simple "withdrawal" method works perfectly. I studied up on it and it can actually be the most effective birth control next to using a condom. *If the guy just exerts a little self control* If I don't trust myself cause I'm too sensitive, I put a condom on. My W and I had sex for like 15 years that way, she got pregnant once, and that was 6 years into our marriage, it was a good thing.
The Blue Knight Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 Angel, I'll just be blunt and say it. Don't ever be hooked into a guy who drinks and gets mean and ornery. What you're experiencing right now is nothing compared to how bad it will become later in the relationship if you stay with him. I deal with alcohol in relationships all the time. It's pure hell for the person who has to live with it. I can't begin to tell you how many women say "I knew he drank too much when we married. I just never thought it would get worse." You'll regret staying with this guy the more years you put into the relationship. The "Pure Bliss" factor when he's not drinking won't make up for when he is, and in all likelihood his drinking will become progressively worse with time. The "sex issue" to me isn't the real problem here. It's his drinking and demeanor afterwards. The pill makes sex very convenient for the guy. Unfortunately there are a lot of health concerns for the ladies using it. Has this guy ever heard of a condom? This will get worse unless he can stop drinking completely and there aren't that many success stories that I'd bet my future on that happening. 5
findingnemo Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 ^^^This. Angel, alcohol is a bad mistress. One that you can't compete with. If every time your bf drinks he turns into this monster, then you need to leave him. If even his friends ask you how you handle it, then that's a major red flag for you. My abusive H never did anything bad when sober. I realized that it wasn't that he's an alcoholic per se. He would purposefully drink prior to an episode. It got so bad that I would know by the way he was guzzling whiskey that I would have a rough night. I would beg him to stop drinking. I'd even tell him that he knows how he gets when he drinks. But nope, he simply needed to imbibe alcohol so that he could do whatever it was he had planned to do. It was Dutch courage. You already know this. I can almost promise you that it will not get better. It will only get worse for you. And it breaks my heart knowing that unless by some miracle he changes, you're in for a nasty, nasty time. 2
soserious1 Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 My thoughts? He's got a problem with alcohol. I also think that at the seventh month mark of living together he might also be getting cold feet about the entire comittment deal he is unable to discuss this directly. That would explain why he chooses to go off about such small, bizarre things during his tirades. He needs to get some help or I'd bail if I were in your shoes.
SJC2008 Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 He is flat out abusive, NOT passive aggressive. Passive aggressive is approaching a problem in a passive, not strait forward manner, like the silent treatment, flaking on a date unitl he/she gets the hint, going cold so he/she dumps you because they don't have the stones to do it. Leave him, don't get involved with someone who gets mad when they drink. 1
SarahRose Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 he is what is called a mean drunk. they really truly never get any better and they will drag you down so much until you are just a shell of a person you once were. 2
Radu Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 (edited) Hello, I have been dating my boyfriend for a little under 2 years and we have lived together about 7 months. I will try to sum up this information for you guys - but I cannot pinpoint the problem here. I stumbled across passive aggressive disorder today and it sounds strikingly similar to his behaviors. My b/f and I have a very fun, giddy relationship but we keep on a weekly or bi-weekly basis having these horrible episodes. They will always stem from some sort of pent-up anger he has and it ALWAYS gets taken out on me. This has happened since the beginning of our relationship (alcohol almost always being a factor in the anger) but they stopped for several months. Then external stressors appeared and they are now occurring way more often. It is getting almost unbearable. For example: Last weekend (saturday) we had a horrific night. He must have drank 20 beers and then yelled at me for 4 hours straight. The next day we cried, said we would work on his problems and our problems together, seek some help, get through this as we are too precious to throw away. The week was pure bliss. Then, Friday arrives and he comes home with 2 six packs. Right then, I should have known this would end up in a problem. We ended up fishing at the beach with his friends - everything was FINE until about 4-5 beers deep. Then suddenly, everything was getting dramatic. Not really in front of his friends - but more to me, everything I said or did was wrong. We left (I was in a perfectly happy mood) and from the moment we got in the car, EVERYTHING I did meant I was pissed off at him, and I certainly was not. The way I walked, the speed I walked, the way I look at him, the tone of my voice, the way I carried myself, the way I carried the bag of groceries in from the car, I laughed at something I read on the computer and he insisted I was doing it on purpose to show him I was pissed at him??? I kept INSISTING I was not mad and asking for him to kindly stop, it was really getting crazy. Needless to say, he would not let up. I came downstairs "are you still in a mood?" I am actually perfectly happy "Nope, when you answer in a sentence like that, it means you're pissed" OMG! I made a comment about someone on TV - "WHAT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS MUMBLE" At this point, I knew I couldn't win. I went to bed. He came to bed - threw the remotes at my side of the bed. I started flipping the channels to find something he would want to watch with me as we fell asleep. (we always have the sleep timer on) "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IF YOU WANT TO WATCH TV GO DOWNSTAIRS" Ok, but i thought we always leave it on? "I HAVE THE SLEEP TIMER SET ALREADY DAMMIT" ok so I'll find something to put on? "FORGET THIS I HATE YOU I HATE THIS HOUSE" goes downstairs and sleeps on the couch. I tried to reason with him, apologize *when I did nothing* and get him to just move on but nope, made him scream more and he stayed there. He finally came to bed around 7 am - cuddled with the dog but wouldn't speak to me or even look at me. Slept until 11 and I had to be the one to make conversation. Wouldn't speak about last night just said "add it to the list of our awesome chalkboard of fights. I should just turn gay - a man would be easier to deal with than you" THIS WAS NOT MY FAULT??!!!!! I promise loveshack community - I am not an evil, rude, bitchy, nagging girlfriend! Even his friends always ask me how I deal with him all the time. Should I mention - he has withheld sex from me for months because I am not on birth control (1st due to a medical condition - finally got clearance to take it and 2nd I was unemployed for 5 months due to a lay off - no insurance couldn't buy it) so he just wont sleep with me until I am on it. Its really taking a toll on us. Thoughts? Sounds like your BF has some serious issues, maybe even BPD. Borderline personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Google it for more info. Run ... just plain run. This is not normal, this needs to stop. This is psychological abuse at it's finest. And for the record, the pill is crap. Gynecologists don't generally recommend it to their own family, over here they earn money by promoting it. Condom > all, and if you wanna do it raw, there are other alternatives. PS: Some ppl have said he's a mean drunk ... mean drunk doesn't explain his manipulative behaviour outside of these episodes. Edited May 8, 2012 by Radu
serial muse Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 (edited) Wow...I saw that you've been around LS for a long time, so I went back to read some of your story. This has been going on with this guy pretty much since you started dating a year ago (the Jekyll and Hyde thing, I mean). It isn't going to stop. You can still love him, but you aren't obligated to stay. He's not going to change, he has no interest in changing; it sounds like this is who he wants to be. He's choosing this lifestyle. And it's hurting you. (And the fact that he's insensitive to the thyroid issues and why you might not be a good candidate for the BC pill, and gets angry at you about this; well, he sounds extremely selfish, even when he's sober. Please don't make excuses for that!) The only thing you can really do at this point, therefore, is leave. I really, really hope you do. You said in a different post that you're the child of two alcoholics - so probably, on some level, this kind of instability feels "normal" to you, and you are drawn to people who express a certain intensity. It might be hard for you to value a stable relationship in the same way right now, and to seek out a partner who is stable. Therapy might help you understand this side of yourself, and how to move forward, away from that cycle. It's so painful to read your history with this man, and you seem like a kind person - please, free yourself from this cycle. Edited May 8, 2012 by serial muse 1
GardenDiva Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 You got great advice here and I don't have too much more to add except for a couple of things. One: Please don't rely on that withdrawal method of birch control that has been mentioned. It's a recipe for disaster with this guy (and can be in general.) Two: I've been there myself with this type of guy. He's an alcoholic and he's abusive. If he hasn't already pushed you, brushed roughly by you, or something like that, I'd be shocked. You don't mention physical abuse but if you stay with him, it's almost certainly what will come next. I'd get the heck out before that happens. 1
SandieBeach Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 He finally came to bed around 7 am - cuddled with the dog but wouldn't speak to me or even look at me. Slept until 11 and I had to be the one to make conversation. Wouldn't speak about last night just said "add it to the list of our awesome chalkboard of fights. I should just turn gay - a man would be easier to deal with than you" Should I mention - he has withheld sex from me for months because I am not on birth control (1st due to a medical condition - finally got clearance to take it and 2nd I was unemployed for 5 months due to a lay off - no insurance couldn't buy it) so he just wont sleep with me until I am on it. Its really taking a toll on us. Thoughts? I know it may seem that I am reading too much into this, but the above "gay" comment caught my attention. Any chance that there is something to it? If it is, your boyfriend may be going through some huge identity crisis (though that's still not an excuse for how he's treating you). Same goes for withholding sex...If you are not on pill, there are still other forms of birth control that HE could be using. I have yet to meet a man who would deny himself sex because his girlfriend is not on the pill. In any event, he has serious issues and passive-aggressive is the least of his problems 2
wow04 Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 You are dealing with someone that abuses alcohol. He will not change unless he gets help. I suggested in another thread, and will say it again, go to Alanon. They can really help you. 1
LadyGrey Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 he is what is called a mean drunk. they really truly never get any better and they will drag you down so much until you are just a shell of a person you once were. That is EXACTLY what I was thinking when I read the OP's post. This man isn't passive aggressive at all. He is simply a mean drunk and as long as it drinks, he will remain that way.
bean1 Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 You can't pinpoint it? He's an alcoholic and a mean one at that. You can't fix him. Stop trying to label him with random psychiatric disorders, that's looking for an excuse. He likes to drink and he gets nasty when he does. He's a jerk. And you put it up with it, so why should he change? Run, before you are stuck with him for life by having a baby. You are supposed to be in the best years of your life, not fearful of a drunk. 2
wow04 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 peppermintpaddy is 100% correct. Go to an open AA meeting with him, if he is willing. You can't help someone that doesn't want help. I have been around AA for 13 years with 9 sober, I had to want it. Does he even think he might have a problem? You have to help yourself in this situation. Alanon can help with that. My new thing is if I can't help them up I help them down. Which means they have to have consequences. Help yourself at this point. 1
Recommended Posts