Thatgirl1 Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 So I've been married 10 years. On the surface my marriage appears great two kids two successful parents with great careers. I don't know why I do it. I am not satisfied with everything I have. I feel ungrateful and wish that my heart could be content but it's not. So I started having sex with some guy thinking that it wouldn't go past sex I did not want any emotional attachments. Things were good for about 2 months where we had sex maybe 3 times but we started texting etc etc and started to have emotions for this guy. Anyways I tried to break things up but was unsuccessful cause I liked the extra attention. So it's been now 5 months I've had sex w him 8 times and this last time for some strange reason I wanted to go to his bedroom I've never really cared where we have sex. Maybe it was my women's intuition. Long story short I got mad and finally forced my self in bedroom only to find girl make up in his bathroom and some folded girl laundry in his bed as well as a book and glasses(he doesn't wear) on the side of the bed. So he says to me that he is moving houses (this I knew) and that he was cleaning out closets (he has been divorced like a year) and that all that was there. That she never came to get her stuff. They do have two kids together. My assumption is that they are probably trying to work things out. Which I am ok with it's the lying that gets to me. I guess although I thought I didn't feel anything for him like that I am angry because he will not tell me the truth. I guess I deserve it since I am a cheater myself but he does know I am married. I just have this intense desire to know the truth even though the circumstantial evidence is already there. I know to some of you this may seem selfish and that I am a bad person and you are probably right I am. I do feel like a coward to my spouse for not having the courage to tell him that I am unhappy. I've tried to tell him before and his response has always been that "if we break up its because of you not me". So knowing that I jeopardize what we have so that in the end he is right and it will be my fault. Im I crazy?
Artie Lang Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 yeah, you are a bad person. it goes with the territory-- YOU'RE CHEATING! then you have the hipocricy to deal with. how can you be mad at him(OM) for running game on you, while you're doing the same thing to your husband? you either need to come clean to your husband concerning your unhappiness and demand counseling to resolve your marital problems; or you get a divorce and start anew. either way, you need to stop cheating and come clean. 3
YellowShark Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 So I've been married 10 years. On the surface my marriage appears great two kids two successful parents with great careers. I don't know why I do it. I am not satisfied with everything I have. I feel ungrateful and wish that my heart could be content but it's not. Must be terrible living in a developed country. Good job, loving family, money in the bank.. how awful for you. Perhaps a trip to Bangladesh or Nigeria will cure your disastifaction with your current ghastly predicament. So I started having sex with some guy thinking that it wouldn't go past sex I did not want any emotional attachments. Yup. That'll fix things, driving a bus over your husband and children by having a sexual affair. ...it's the lying that gets to me. I guess although I thought I didn't feel anything for him like that I am angry because he will not tell me the truth. I guess I deserve it since I am a cheater myself but he does know I am married. Huh? You won't tell your husband "the truth." So why do you deserve "the truth" from the guy you are banging on the side? If he'll cheat *with* you... he'll cheat *on* you. Just an FYI. 4
Furious Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 It's hard for you to give up the marriage and the OM on the side. It's not honesty that you're looking for, but " CONTROLL", in both your marriage and the affair. You are know in a panic because it's apparent you really don't have any control at all. What you have is a warped sense of honesty.
stillafool Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 Welcome to Loveshack. It is clear that your sex partner is doing what you are doing, getting a little on the side. Afterall what is he going to do with another man's wife and kids? Accept it for what it is. Now, if you want to be happy tell your husband the truth, accept that your lifestyle will change, and move on and start that process. There's really nothing else you can do in this situation.
Bryanp Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 How would you feel if your husband was doing to you behind your back what you have been doing to him? I guess it does not bother you that you are putting your husband at risk for STD's? All of the things that your husband as provided to you this is the way you pay him back? Are you willing to be divorced? I suggest that you confess to your husband and seek therapy to understand why you are so self-destructive. Does this even bother you what you are doing to your family. Do you hate your husband? You have a broken moral compass. How can you provide guidance to your children and look your husband in the eye? 1
stillafool Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 So Anyways I tried to break things up but was unsuccessful cause I liked the extra attention. Maybe you need to seek IC to find out why you need so much attention. I think that might be the root of your problem. 2
KathyM Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 Confess the affair to your husband, or leave him. Don't allow this charade to go on any further. Nevermind what this other guy is or is not doing. He's doing a married woman--don't expect any integrity from that person. Sounds to me like his estranged wife is still visiting there if her folded laundry is on the bed and her glasses. Men do sometimes have sex with their estranged wives. Sometimes they sleep over as well. In any case, you have no right to make demands or snoop around about your OMs life. It's none of your business, really. It's time you stopped acting like a sleeze and give your husband the truth about what's been going on, and then work on your marriage with honesty. Or leave him. But you can't continue the way you are now--that is not fair to your husband, your children, or yourself. 1
Artie Lang Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 Anyways I tried to break things up but was unsuccessful cause I liked the extra attention. get a dog. 4
2long Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 What does "personal integrity" mean 2 you? Obviously you have the ability 2 at least start 2 take a step back and look at the big pic2re here. See how absurd this is?? I think the root of your problem is the common belief that happiness is something you get by "acquiring" more people 2 "meet your needs" and/or more "stuff.". But the sooner you ( or anyone else) realize that happiness comes from things like personal integrity (knowing that you are making choices and doing things 2 improve your life and that of your loved ones) and satisfaction with what you have, the sooner you can stop worrying about getting things and using people 2 get the crap you only *think* you want. -ol' 2long
Bittersweetie Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 Hi, Former WW here, and I totally hear you. My xOM ditched me for another woman not long after we met (we were both married then). Then six months later after we started emailing and talking again, he told me he was done with both the wife and girlfriend...not true, turns out he would cancel on me to be with the girlfriend. And I was still married. When I think back, my stomach hurts at all the crap that I thought was acceptable back then. I think the root of your problem is the common belief that happiness is something you get by "acquiring" more people 2 "meet your needs" and/or more "stuff.". But the sooner you ( or anyone else) realize that happiness comes from things like personal integrity (knowing that you are making choices and doing things 2 improve your life and that of your loved ones) and satisfaction with what you have, the sooner you can stop worrying about getting things and using people 2 get the crap you only *think* you want. I agree with 2long...it was one of the revelations I had in IC. I expected other people to provide my happiness. Namely, my H. And I was unhappy. So he wasn't doing his job, so I looked elsewhere. And I thought xOM could provide happiness. But I eventually realized, I make my own happiness. By what I do, what I enjoy, how I spend time with the people I care about. The people and stuff in my life can enhance my happiness, but only I can provide it. Does that make sense? In terms of your immediate problems, having been somewhat where you are, here's things to think about: 1. Cut all contact with the OM. Even if in the future you end up divorcing, you probably don't want to be with this guy. And having the OM out of your life will make working on all your other issues much easier. 2. Start IC now, immediately. You should look at why you participated in this kind of behavior, why you want extra attention, and how you can manage those thoughts using more positive coping mechanisms. 3. Decide if you want to be with your husband or not. Not whether you want to be with your house or your family...do you still want to be with your husband? Talk this over in IC. If you don't want to be with him, then work with your counselor on how to bring that up and exit in a mature manner. If you do want to be with him, then decide how to address the issues in your marriage and how to address the affair you had. Because your H is missing an important piece of information in your marriage...that you stepped out of it. And yes, my H knows about me. I thought I could hide it and he would never know, but he found out. I've read enough stories here and elsewhere to believe that the truth will always come out eventually. So if you want to stay, you need to figure out how to address the truth of what you did and deal with the consequences. You two may have to attend MC to work through things and talk through things with a third party; that is up to you. At this stage it's hard to be logical because the emotions are so out of hand, you feel like you've created a mess that there is no way out of. But there is, take it one step at a time. Good luck. 2
Woggle Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 I hate to say this but this guy is doing to you exactly what you are doing to your husband. You really have no moral high ground here. 1
Bellechica Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 If you want to stay with your husband (if you love him), then you must end all contact with the OM. I agree with the other posters that IC is a must. Your emotions are all out of whack right now. You need to start IC and start thinking about what led to your choice to have an A. Keep posting and learning. Read through some of the other threads here.
findingnemo Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 Thatgirl, what exactly do you need help with? You know what you're doing is wrong and you know that it is hypocritical to get upset with your OM's actions. So tell me, do you really want us to tell you whether or not you're crazy? Really? I don't think you're crazy. You seem pretty sane to me. If you're trying to find a way out then Bittersweet's post is really good and addresses this. In fact it is that post that made me realize that you may actually have an issue that can be solved. I'm not sure though whether this is the kind of help or support you seek. So please tell us what you would like support with.
The Blue Knight Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 Thatgirl, what exactly do you need help with? You know what you're doing is wrong and you know that it is hypocritical to get upset with your OM's actions. So tell me, do you really want us to tell you whether or not you're crazy? Really? I don't think you're crazy. You seem pretty sane to me. If you're trying to find a way out then Bittersweet's post is really good and addresses this. In fact it is that post that made me realize that you may actually have an issue that can be solved. I'm not sure though whether this is the kind of help or support you seek. So please tell us what you would like support with. Yeah, this was my thought reading her OP. Seems like a self-explanatory situation to me.
nofool4u Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 I guess I deserve it since I am a cheater myself Just remember, you are the one that said that. but he does know I am married. Which is why he feels no obligation towards you. I just have this intense desire to know the truth even though the circumstantial evidence is already there. I know to some of you this may seem selfish and that I am a bad person and you are probably right I am. I do feel like a coward to my spouse for not having the courage to tell him that I am unhappy. I've tried to tell him before and his response has always been that "if we break up its because of you not me". So knowing that I jeopardize what we have so that in the end he is right and it will be my fault. Im I crazy? So do you have a question? We get that you want proof, but proof of what? Cheating? Sorry, he isn't cheating on you. You have no commitment to this man, nor does he to you. So he isn't cheating(although screwing a married woman is despicable) and you aren't entitled to his personal life.
jnj express Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 No not a troll---just your typical cheater, that was hoping for some sympathy----she won't come back, cuz she can't handle the heat---I am not sure what she sees when she looks in the mirror, but it must be pretty disgusting----what I feel very sad about---is the kids in this family, for one of these days, nuclear winter will descend on them, and their lives will never be the same.
Bellechica Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Thatgirl? Do you love your H? Right now you aren't thinking clearly. You've got so many thoughts and emotions going through your head. If you can break all communication with the OM and start IC then you can start thinking more clearly.
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