is this a red flag?

[darkmoon]

You do understand the situation extremely well and my feelings, but it's just so hard b/c it really hurts me and i've thought like you that he'll think of me more highly for being patient and supportive but making things easy for him but what about my feelings :'( I have to respect myself too and the difficulties and need to rest and relax during my crucial summer months b/c im in a doctoral program too and need to be selfish since I've done so much to secure this position in life it didn't come easy and I am not sure risking my mental health/emotional energy depletion is worth that risk of waiting to see if he follows through with his words despite the major rewards of him taking things to the next step sufficient trust hasn't been established yet for me to take that kind of risk I would be more comfortable if it were a more calculated risk but it's not I am hurting but I'll hurt worse if I fail sections of a major exam I have to prepare for this summer to take in early August.

 

Thank you for your support it really means so much right now in my temporarily sad emotional state

 

i was thinking how much patience you would need; i have none, so i hope you develop a new attitude and learn to wait, you have alot in common with him, good, but i want you to know that such men studying and being responsible and presumably attractive too are not always around when a woman looks for a future with a good partner...seen men after money, abusive ones, violent bullies, yes not all men are awful, yours sounds too good to drop, so learn to wait, you'll be no happier dumping cuz you love him

[snowflakes88]

No offense, but I hope you aren't taking darkmoon's advice seriously. You are 100% correct in your assessment of the situation, OP. Your feelings and wants/needs are every bit as important as your "boyfriend"'s. As for patient, you've waited for 3 months already, which is far longer than most adult women would wait in secrecy. The excuses for keeping the "relationship" hidden sound flimsy, at best. Kudos to you for doing what's best for your own life.

[Professor X]

i was thinking how much patience you would need; i have none, so i hope you develop a new attitude and learn to wait, you have alot in common with him, good, but i want you to know that such men studying and being responsible and presumably attractive too are not always around when a woman looks for a future with a good partner...seen men after money, abusive ones, violent bullies, yes not all men are awful, yours sounds too good to drop, so learn to wait, you'll be no happier dumping cuz you love him

 

How's him wanting to keep it a secret being too good? lol. And for HIS professor, jeez.

[threebyfate]

i was thinking how much patience you would need; i have none, so i hope you develop a new attitude and learn to wait, you have alot in common with him, good, but i want you to know that such men studying and being responsible and presumably attractive too are not always around when a woman looks for a future with a good partner...seen men after money, abusive ones, violent bullies, yes not all men are awful, yours sounds too good to drop, so learn to wait, you'll be no happier dumping cuz you love him

Sure, if she wants to live the life of a doormat. But most people have some self-esteem where they're not interested in being walked all over by selfish partners.

[dasein]

Wow, this is a tempest in a teapot. You had a mutual agreement to remain below the radar til June, then get upset when he won't take you to a single short social engagement, which would be contrary to your prior agreement. Your anger at him seems solely motivated by jealousy at what might have gone on at the party you weren't invited to. There is no trust there, certainly not as much as there should be at three months. I doubt you two have a future, and in his shoes I'd already be gone.

 

In your shoes though, if you want to save this, I'd get real humble, real fast, apologize sincerely, sit down, and discuss the rationale for remaining incognito. Make frustration at that be the issue, -not- frustration with him or blaming him. Reevaluate the decision to remain under wraps and if you two do decide to continue, and decide to stick with the prior agreement, don't complain about it at all going forward.

[FitChick]

Once he realizes the relationship is over, it wouldn't surprise me to hear he suddenly appears in public with another woman who he'd been seeing secretly at the same time as OP.