is this a red flag?

[dollface07]

I will write the facts for you all while trying hard to not place any judgement/emotions on them

 

1) my bf of 3 months asked me out for dinner

2) we went out for dinner and midway through he told me that after dinner he would attend a going away party (mutual friends of ours) but that he would be there for only "10 mins" since he still had work to do later that night

3) he had no intention of taking me along b/c we are not going public with our relationship until early June (due academic reasons/social considerations according to him) [**This is a strange situation I know but just know that we are not sleeping together until we are public**]

4) I offered to go with him anyway since it was only 10 mins and we both knew the two going away (i have dinner at their home sometimes w/out my bf) instead of making my bf go out of his way to drop me home, then party, then back to work

5) he initially said okay but after dinner on the drive home decided it wasn't the right time to go public

6) we had a huge fight and have been like this for the past 3 days

7) he tries to call, message, e-mail

 

I am writing about this to you b/c this is how I judge* the situation to actually have occurred:

 

He invited me out to a "light" dinner to spend some time with me but he knew he would be attending a real dinner that night without me. He didn't tell me whose house it would be at (later he told me he thought I already knew) the hostess was a woman who he's previously told me likes him but he did not know she had a boyfriend (i knew) when i told him later she has a boyfriend he said that was the first he's ever heard about that MEANING he went to her house without being transparent about that all the while thinking she was single and liked him while also misleading me about being there only for 10 mins and using work as an excuse so that i wouldnt be upset about him actually staying there all evening not working enjoying his time without me.

 

I have never stayed angry at a bf so long and so consistently, each time we speak instead of things resolving they appear to become worse; i feel lied to a lie by omission is still a lie isn't it?

 

Thank you for reading all of this I am just really trying to tread carefully between now and early June when/IF we go public (not likely since I don't really see this relationship remaining in tact until then) but either way I want to make sure that I learn all the lessons this person is teaching me about men

[TaraMaiden]

If other people are capable of dating and completing their studies, I fail to see why this should not be possible for you two...

 

Is it a mutual decision, or is it more about what you/he wants?

 

The fact that you put 'according to him' after the reasons would suggest the latter....

in which case - put 2 and 2 together.... you're not official/public, he wanted to go somewhere else - without you - to a woman's house where there appears to be a mutual attraction?

 

The hugest red flag for me, is the feeble reason for not going public.

breaking up with you will be a no-brainer - given that it appears you're not even together anyway.

 

I'd walk, frankly.

[Andy_K]

If the two going away invited him, and didn't expect him to be bringing a guest, it would be rude of him to take you along. Therefore you're being unreasonable to expect him to take you.

 

If on the other hand they invited 'him + guest', or the two of you, then you're well within your rights to be annoyed, but 3 days is still seriously excessive.

[darkmoon]

"we are not going public with our relationship until early June (due academic reasons/social considerations according to him)"

 

what academic or social reasons are there? how do know that early Jume he'll tell ppl about you? i can't think of a good reson to keep this love secret, OP please explain

[westrock]

1) my bf of 3 months asked me out for dinner

2) we went out for dinner

 

You two went out for dinner. Doesn't that mean you two are already public?

 

4) I offered to go with him anyway since it was only 10 mins and we both knew the two going away (i have dinner at their home sometimes w/out my bf) instead of making my bf go out of his way to drop me home, then party, then back to work

 

You seem to know this other couple. Weren't you invited to the going away party?

[dollface07]

"we are not going public with our relationship until early June (due academic reasons/social considerations according to him)"

 

what academic or social reasons are there? how do know that early Jume he'll tell ppl about you? i can't think of a good reson to keep this love secret, OP please explain

 

Academic reasons being that he doesn't want his academic adviser to know that he's in a serous relationship until after he presents his proposal

 

social considerations b/c once we are public we will both be expected to go together to many people's homes he's a leader in this community; he said until he presents this proposal in June he doesn't want to have to respectfully decline all of the invitations he's under tremendous pressure and does not have time to attend these social events

 

sigh

[Professor X]

All this hiding the RS smells like bullsh*t, so your dynamics are weird to begin with. Is it a red flag? no, you agreed not go public, and lets be real, showing up there with him would suggest you are together.

[dollface07]

You two went out for dinner. Doesn't that mean you two are already public?

 

public in the eyes of the academic community

 

You seem to know this other couple. Weren't you invited to the going away party?

 

no, i was not invited b/c the person hosting the party for the two going away did not invite me but invited my bf...IF we were public she would have invited me

[dollface07]

All this hiding the RS smells like bullsh*t, so your dynamics are weird to begin with. Is it a red flag? no, you agreed not go public, and lets be real, showing up there with him would suggest you are together.

 

ProfX while I do appreciate your point of view and I agree with you that there's a high probability that you are most likely going to end up 100% correct in your assessment; I am asking for advice to LEARN so please try to be more constructive with me

 

thank you,

Df

[dollface07]

If the two going away invited him, and didn't expect him to be bringing a guest, it would be rude of him to take you along. Therefore you're being unreasonable to expect him to take you.

 

Andy, I am sure if we were public they would tell him to bring me. that's why i am upset but you are right about them not expecting him to bring a guest and it being rude. I guess my unreasonable expectations for him to take me along is b/c of the dynamics that profX mentioned earlier.

 

If on the other hand they invited 'him + guest', or the two of you, then you're well within your rights to be annoyed, but 3 days is still seriously excessive.

 

3 days is excessive that's why i posted on LS but my anger is coming from the dynamics of the whole situation not from this one incident all he keeps reminding me is that we've already discussed/talked about this and that he has nothing further to add about this matter...

[KathyM]

What's the reason he can't go public with your relationship? Is he still in a committed relationship with someone? Is he your professor? You said there were academic/social reasons. In any case, he shouldn't be lieing to you--either by omission or telling an outright lie. You have a right to be miffed if he lied to you. It IS a red flag, and maybe it's time to let this relationship go.

[dollface07]

All this hiding the RS smells like bullsh*t, so your dynamics are weird to begin with. Is it a red flag? no, you agreed not go public, and lets be real, showing up there with him would suggest you are together.

 

But ProfX this point still doesn't help me reconcile that he is lying by omission that's why im angry and think it's a red flag i feel he falsely mislead me to think that he was going there for only 10 mins when he knew he was gonna be attending dinner and I am so upset about this so even though he might have been trying to protect me from being upset I think if he can lie so easily about little things cant he lie about much bigger ones...I need some validation from LS members that I should break up and not look back it's not an easy thing for me to do im upset

[dollface07]

What's the reason he can't go public with your relationship? Is he still in a committed relationship with someone? Is he your professor? You said there were academic/social reasons. In any case, he shouldn't be lieing to you--either by omission or telling an outright lie. You have a right to be miffed if he lied to you. It IS a red flag, and maybe it's time to let this relationship go.

 

This is exactly what I came on here this morning to get confirmation about that I should let this relationship go...it's not easy to be in my own head assessing things sometimes I have to get objective outside opinions so that I can not feel that I allowed my emotion mind to take over my life decisions/actions. So I really do appreciate your responding. Thank you.

[Professor X]

ProfX while I do appreciate your point of view and I agree with you that there's a high probability that you are most likely going to end up 100% correct in your assessment; I am asking for advice to LEARN so please try to be more constructive with me

 

thank you,

Df

Learn what? You asked 2 questions in your thread, one of which I answered. 2nd I will do now: Yes.

 

And FYI, don't generalize by saying "teaching me about men" - I know of no men who keeps his RS hidden unless he is cheating. So what your guy does is quite unique.

 

 

Now, for your post above mine, if you're sure he lied than that's something else. Moreover, do you know for certain how long he has been there?

[dollface07]

Learn what? You asked 2 questions in your thread, one of which I answered. 2nd I will do now: Yes.

 

And FYI, don't generalize by saying "teaching me about men" - I know of no men who keeps his RS hidden unless he is cheating. So what your guy does is quite unique.

 

Considering this is only my 2nd real bf I didn't mean to generalize that's why I am fortunate for people on LS like you to help guide me to making more accurate assessments. I won't generalize in the future.

 

Now, for your post above mine, if you're sure he lied than that's something else. Moreover, do you know for certain how long he has been there?

 

Yes I DO know he was there until late in the evening and had dinner too (he ended up either calling/messaging me at like 12:30 am late that night) and when I gently confronted him about it via text he said that "he didn't want to go" but that they had "called him to come" which is fine I am not micromanaging his life I just wanted him to be transparent about things especially taking into consideration this weird dynamic transparency at this stage is IMO even more critical right now more than ever.

 

oh he also said that he didnt want to explain it to me....hmm and then said im judging/false accusing etc. without knowing facts (that he's not explaining to me about anyway so red flag i think so)

[westrock]

social considerations b/c once we are public we will both be expected to go together to many people's homes he's a leader in this community; he said until he presents this proposal in June he doesn't want to have to respectfully decline all of the invitations he's under tremendous pressure and does not have time to attend these social events

 

sigh

 

Something doesn't seem right here. I think you have a right to be upset.

 

It seems he's saying that if he's seen as single he wouldn't have to go to the parties, but if he's public with you he would be expected to go to many people's homes? But, he had time to go to that party alone all evening and probably other parties whether you two are public or not. Besides, how many parties are there between now and June that he would be expected to attend as a couple? It can't be that many.

 

His reasons for keeping this relationship a secret makes no sense.

 

You mentioned there was another woman who he thought was interested in him. Maybe he is waiting until the end of the school year to see if she's interested?

 

Does he consider the two of you in a relationship? Are the two of you exclusive? Maybe he has a different view than you of the relationship. I think you should talk with him and find out whether he wants to be in a relationship with you or not.

[Professor X]

Yes I DO know he was there until late in the evening and had dinner too (he ended up either calling/messaging me at like 12:30 am late that night) and when I gently confronted him about it via text he said that "he didn't want to go" but that they had "called him to come" which is fine I am not micromanaging his life I just wanted him to be transparent about things especially taking into consideration this weird dynamic transparency at this stage is IMO even more critical right now more than ever.

 

oh he also said that he didnt want to explain it to me....hmm and then said im judging/false accusing etc. without knowing facts (that he's not explaining to me about anyway so red flag i think so)

 

I agree with not wanting to explain = red flag. Seems fishy, as if he's hiding something. Because, let's be real, shall we? The explanation won't be that long haha.

 

And also, if you know he stayed there for so long, despite saying he'd be gone after 10 minute cause he's very busy (sarcasm), than one must ask what was so important there to make him reschedule his "work".

[dollface07]

Something doesn't seem right here. I think you have a right to be upset.

 

It seems he's saying that if he's seen as single he wouldn't have to go to the parties, but if he's public with you he would be expected to go to many people's homes? But, he had time to go to that party alone all evening and probably other parties whether you two are public or not. Besides, how many parties are there between now and June that he would be expected to attend as a couple? It can't be that many.

 

THANK YOU!!!!! You've articulated exactly what i've been instinctively feeling but didn't know how to say this is exactly right.

 

His reasons for keeping this relationship a secret makes no sense.

 

You mentioned there was another woman who he thought was interested in him. Maybe he is waiting until the end of the school year to see if she's interested?

 

Yes even though he said he didn't like her but it's still plausible

 

Does he consider the two of you in a relationship? Are the two of you exclusive? Maybe he has a different view than you of the relationship. I think you should talk with him and find out whether he wants to be in a relationship with you or not.

 

Yes we are supposedly in an exclusive committed (his words) non-sexually active relationship (my words)

 

We have talked about being in a relationship many times and he's always pursuing me no matter how many times i run away/want to break up due to these bizarre dynamics...but nevertheless you are correct about things you mentioned early just so correct. thank you.

[Art_Critic]

dollface07.. you are not the only GF he has....

[dollface07]

Thanks to everyone I've finally gotten the strength to pull the plug I've messaged him it's over and I am sure he knows I am serious b/c I am no longer respecting him (I hung up on him last night which I would have never done before)

 

it is sad but not devastatingly sad this way I am confronting any emotional pain head on right now so I can not prolong the time it may take to get through the minor discomfort and continue to focus on my own life things

 

Thank you all so much for helping me to let go of of a matter that was seriously affecting the quality of my life

 

Warmest,

Df

[Professor X]

Thanks to everyone I've finally gotten the strength to pull the plug I've messaged him it's over and I am sure he knows I am serious b/c I am no longer respecting him (I hung up on him last night which I would have never done before)

 

it is sad but not devastatingly sad this way I am confronting any emotional pain head on right now so I can not prolong the time it may take to get through the minor discomfort and continue to focus on my own life things

 

Thank you all so much for helping me to let go of of a matter that was seriously affecting the quality of my life

 

Warmest,

Df

 

Good luck Dollface!

[darkmoon]

Academic reasons being that he doesn't want his academic adviser to know that he's in a serous relationship until after he presents his proposal

 

social considerations b/c once we are public we will both be expected to go together to many people's homes he's a leader in this community; he said until he presents this proposal in June he doesn't want to have to respectfully decline all of the invitations he's under tremendous pressure and does not have time to attend these social events

 

sigh

 

unless you want to risk losing him wait til June, when i post (and in my life) i beleive you should give a proper chance and maybe two, but if you are still secret by July or when his exam results come in, then leave, i take it you do not actually want to give him up, so wait til his exam results day, he might even rate you more highly than ever for being so okay and not giving him a hard time while he tries to make something of himself, he's a responsible man here (i like)

[westrock]

Thank you all so much for helping me to let go of of a matter that was seriously affecting the quality of my life

 

DF, sounds like you did the right thing.

 

unless you want to risk losing him wait til June, when i post (and in my life) i beleive you should give a proper chance and maybe two, but if you are still secret by July or when his exam results come in, then leave, i take it you do not actually want to give him up, so wait til his exam results day, he might even rate you more highly than ever for being so okay and not giving him a hard time while he tries to make something of himself, he's a responsible man here (i like)

 

But, he risked losing her with his strange behavior, and he lost. What does this have to do with his exam results? Why should she put up with this, so he would rate her higher? Sounds like he didn't respect her. Any guy who acts the way he did is selfish and has issues.

[dollface07]

unless you want to risk losing him wait til June, when i post (and in my life) i beleive you should give a proper chance and maybe two, but if you are still secret by July or when his exam results come in, then leave, i take it you do not actually want to give him up, so wait til his exam results day, he might even rate you more highly than ever for being so okay and not giving him a hard time while he tries to make something of himself, he's a responsible man here (i like)

 

You do understand the situation extremely well and my feelings, but it's just so hard b/c it really hurts me and i've thought like you that he'll think of me more highly for being patient and supportive but making things easy for him but what about my feelings :'( I have to respect myself too and the difficulties and need to rest and relax during my crucial summer months b/c im in a doctoral program too and need to be selfish since I've done so much to secure this position in life it didn't come easy and I am not sure risking my mental health/emotional energy depletion is worth that risk of waiting to see if he follows through with his words despite the major rewards of him taking things to the next step sufficient trust hasn't been established yet for me to take that kind of risk I would be more comfortable if it were a more calculated risk but it's not I am hurting but I'll hurt worse if I fail sections of a major exam I have to prepare for this summer to take in early August.

 

Thank you for your support it really means so much right now in my temporarily sad emotional state

[dollface07]

DF, sounds like you did the right thing.

 

 

 

But, he risked losing her with his strange behavior, and he lost. What does this have to do with his exam results? Why should she put up with this, so he would rate her higher? Sounds like he didn't respect her. Any guy who acts the way he did is selfish and has issues.

 

Thank you this made me feel a little bit better sniff sniff