Al Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 Here's my situation: I have a close group of four girl friends. One of those girls got engaged and has asked us all to stand up in her wedding next October. This girl and I really aren't that close and we don't see each other or talk nearly as much as she does with the rest of my friends. Her and I haven't always seen eye to eye. For example, last year there was a trip to Vegas with a local band that we all talked about going on and I found out she was bitching behind my back about me wanting to bring my boyfriend along on this trip. The trip was last November and at the time she didn't have a significant other. Anyways, I confronted her about it, stating if I wanted to go on a vacation and bring my boyfriend along that was my choice and she continued on and on about how she thought it was going to be just the girls going and how I was just rubbing it in that I had a boyfriend when the other girls didn't which totally wasn't the case. Now this past month, her and her fiance have become home owners so she claims they can't go out as much like the rest of us b/c they have more responsibilities now. This is completely understandable but she seems to rub it in, like "what are you doing this weekend? Oh, going to the bars, yeah well I can't do things like that b/c I'm a home owner now." I am happy that she has found someone she wants to be with forever and that they have a place to live but she seems to find little ways to rub it in to the rest of us that don't have that. The other day I found out that she made a comment to one of our other friends that she'd never want to be in my shoes, or two of our friends shoes b/c we have such immature boyfriends and her fiance is so great and would never act like them, and her fiance does this and does that. If she would have said that to me over the phone, I would have hung up but unfortunately my other girlfriend is too nice and just sat listening to her go on and on not knowing what to say. My engaged friend said we have no idea what she is going through and how it's SO hard to be the first one planning a wedding, etc. Please, doesn't she think we would all like to be planning our weddings?! She has rubbed my boyfriend the wrong way since day one and some of her comments are just too much to handle these days. I've confronted her many times about her attitude with no change so I just try not to talk to her. She used to give us all grief when we spent time with our boyfriends and now she never goes out, not even with her boyfriend, b/c they have "more responsibilities than the rest of us." How do you nicely tell a person that you don't want to be in their wedding? I don't feel that I belong in this wedding and that she might have even asked me b/c she asked all the other girls in the group. We aren't very close as you can see and the wedding happens to be on my boyfriend's b-day next year and she isn't exactly his first choice to spend his whole b-day with. What do I do b/c talking to her goes in one ear and out the other and I'm sick of her putdowns and rude comments.
Fayebelle Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 Tell her you do not have the time to devote to being an attendant. She should only have good friends in such a role and whatever the reasons you are not that gal.
tiki Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 ...or tell her that you cannot afford to incur all of the costs (i.e. dress, up-do, shoes)...and hope like heck she doesn't offer to pay for it. Maybe she's inviting you to be in the wedding b/c she doesn't want you to feel left out? Maybe you guys could work on building a stronger friendship so that it WILL be more sentimental that you are there. Maybe you could tell her that you're allergic to weddings (I hate weddings!) or maybe they'll break up by then?! lol.
thecake Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 I cannot STAND being asked to be in someone's wedding when I don't know them well or don't even really like them. I learned years ago to just say no unless it's a family member or VERY close friend. Just say no and don't even give a reason...you don't owe her anything if she holds you and your choice of boyfriends in such low esteem...talks about you behind your back, etc. You don't have to be nice....just say "sorry, I won't be able to be in your wedding"....and get ready for her to talk badly about you.
Author Al Posted June 22, 2004 Author Posted June 22, 2004 But she treats all of us that way. She bad mouths everyone's relationships and says nothing but put downs to all of us. It's just the way she is. Do you think that by me stating that I don't want to stand up in her wedding, that maybe it will open her eyes to how she is treating all of us? I mean, all of our boyfriends think we are crazy for even considering her a friend and none of these guys talk to her b/c of the attitude she has about them. My boyfriend said that if we get married, there is no way she's going to be a part of our wedding b/c she has no respect for us, other people or their relationships. But I feel like a bitch if I don't stand up but I don't feel it's right that I do.
Fayebelle Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 Do not use her wedding as an "eye opener". Bitch or not this should be a wonderful day for her and it would not be proper to tarnish it by using it as a reason to point out her faults.
thecake Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 I personally wouldn't be in her wedding, but it took me until my mid-twenties to get over feeling "bad" about saying no to people so I know how you feel. It takes practice though and it gets easier. Yes, maybe if you and others decline to be in her wedding she'll get the picture. Funny that this girl talks about you and all of her friends yet YOU are worried about feeling like a bitch by not being in her wedding....? Doesn't make much sense, does it? Your "friend" sounds like the type of girl who made me always want to have male friends.
Bronzepen Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 Why would you even consider her a friend if she doesn't respect you and talks bad about you in front and behind your back? Just say no to her invitation and if she goes off on you then tell her that maybe the two of you shouldn't socialize anymore. Wish her luck on her life and walk away forever. Find a real friend. Not one that obviously doesn't like you. Good luck.
Author Al Posted June 22, 2004 Author Posted June 22, 2004 Can I email her the news? We never talk on the phone and I rarely see her out. The only time she emails me is if she emails all of us girls at the same time. What do you think?
Bronzepen Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 Give her a buzz. Don't give her any more fuel to throw into the fire. It won't look good on you to decline via email. Call her. Don't give answers as to why your not going. Just say you can't make it but thanks for the invite. If she presses you just say you have to go and hang up the phone. Be diplomatic then move on. Good luck
thecake Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 I would do it through e-mail. Why not? From what you've said, it's not like she's a close friend...and if you don't talk to her on the phone on a regular basis I think an e-mail would be fine. Let us know how it goes.
Author Al Posted June 22, 2004 Author Posted June 22, 2004 But she asked us probably two months ago already to stand up in her wedding next year. We have not done any planning as far as dresses, etc. but it won't sound right if now I can't make it when then I could. You see, she called us all together one night and asked us all at the same time so how could I say no then?! Plus I know that all of my other girl friends will be disappointed and will beg me to change my mind if I don't stand up. I don't want to let all my friends down but I just can't handle the bride-to-be any longer and I know that the closer we get to her wedding and once we have to be involved, it's only going to get worse.
thecake Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 You said the wedding is next year and no planning has been done as far as dresses. NOW is the time to back out if you're going to...don't wait until the last minute...at least give her time to get someone else. Otherwise, if you are THAT concerned about what other people think (how old are you?) then just be in the wedding, but you're going to be miserable until it's over. Just make a decision...one way or the other and live with it. If you decide to be in the wedding then accept it, don't gripe about it and at the very least try to get idea's for your own wedding some day.
Fayebelle Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 I think it shows more class to decline in as personal a manner as possible and definately do it ASAP. Your friends will get over it. If you are willing you can even offer to help plan the shower,help decorate or something as a compromise. Then you can still help your friends w/out so much face time w/the bride.
Bronzepen Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 Originally posted by Al I just can't handle the bride-to-be any longer and I know that the closer we get to her wedding and once we have to be involved, it's only going to get worse. That is why you have to stop it now. Don't worry about your other friends. Don't be peer pressured into doing something you don't want to do or not comfortable doing. It they are true friends. Just explain to them that your not close to the bride and when she first asked all of you to be in her wedding you were just caught up in the moment but now that you have had time to think about it, you don't want to be a part of it. They will OR might not understand your decision but they will respect it and move on.
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