it's really over

[gsh]

i've been with a guy for 1.5 years and like all normal couples, we had ups and downs...and everytime there was a down, it'd be broken up, back together like a viscious cycle. however, everytime we "got back together", we'd become closer because we would both take into consideration our own issues from the fights and learn from it. even he would say here and there how good we were with that.

 

last weekend, i threw a tantrum over something very petty and said very not nice things to him. he tried to smooth it out (mind you, this was all over text) but i wouldn't have it because when i'm in a bitch mood, honestly i speak before i think. by the end of the night, i got to his house and we had a blow out and he told me that he feels like he walks on eggshells around me because of how mean i can get and he can't take it..he wanted to end it. i didn't beg because at that moment, it didn't look like we could recover this time...and honestly i was tired of it too.

 

the next morning, he texts me sorry that he was bad (he said and did a lot of mean things that night as well since i was being mean) and that he doesnt want to break up and that he still loves me. i was confused but texted him do his work first (he had a deadline). later that night, he texts me he saying he knows he said he'd call (which i didnt hear him say) but he wasn't ready. I replied with a ? because i didn't hear him say that to me and so i wasn't understanding. no response.

 

then no contact. i've thought about it and i realize how i have a problem of not being able to control what i say when i'm angry and feel DEVASTATED how i could hurt him so badly (over the 1.5 yrs obviously it wasn't the first time i've acted this way). I call him 4 days after NC and he doesnt answer but texts me hell call me later. about 3 hours later, he calls me and we talk everything out over the phone for an hour. we're both calm and civil. he tells me why he is done for good with our relationship and can't take it anymore. that he feels anxiety around me. (honestly i think he is overreacting but i did not argue back because i didn't want to fight). i hear him out and he hears me out. i apologize again and again crying (because i am so sorry i didn't realize how much he was hurting) asking for another chance and he says it's too late. he is done and said he has told his co workers, friends, family etc. i asked him why he texted me he didnt want to break up the next day and he said he was thinking about all the good about us and had a weak moment..after an hour and hearing his firmness, i let him go and we hang up.

 

he unfriended me from fb and although its just fb..coming from him..it speaks. we've had fights where we tell each other we're done but then get back together. through this cycle, he's never unfriended me or made himself unavailable. so..that hurt.

 

i feel different this time..before, when we fought, one of us wouuld beg or reach out days/month after NC to apologize..this time, i dont think to do that because that hour calm conversation made me feel different. i respect him enough to give him what he wants because i am the one who hurt him so bad.

 

it's not like i want to be with him because i'm lonely or bored..(exes and other guys try to contact me and i ignore it and still do to today). i think i really love him and so it feels worse. worse like a big regret in my life and not like sobbing running to his house for comfort.

 

is there really no chance? if i still feel i want to be with him after months of NC is it worth a shot to reach out...ever?

 

it feels i've lost a part of me and i'm genuinely devastated.

[lalalandman]

I'm sorry that you are hurting. Let me say first that you should be proud for being honest about your feelings and taking credit for part of the breakup. Also understand that it's really not entirely your fault. Breakups never truly are. Understand that there is someone out there who will love you for you and will stick by your side through crap. Now, i'm not necessarily saying that you should continue to act the way you do but let's face it: we all have our moments. Just let this be a learning experience and at minimum try to tone down on outbursts of anger.

 

As for contact, I would honestly just let this one go. You had your run. You'll get through this and come out stronger on the other side. Promise.

[gsh]

thank you for replying..

 

i know obviously he has his faults that contributed to the fighting as..hes aware as well.

 

i know i will date and meet other guys but i don't feel like i can ever let go losing someone who i feel was the love of my life.

 

i really want to try to reach out to him maybe a month later (only if i still feel this way) but im so scared of the rejection...is a month enough time..does it seem pointless? i feel so lost and devastated by all this (it's not my first breakup obviously and i honestly have never been so saddened by the end of a relationship)

 

[Woggle]

Some men just get sick of the drama and fighting. We can only take so much.

[gsh]

i don't plan on contacting him until i sit on how i feel and whether it is as genuine as i feel it is at least a month.

 

does it seem as if there is any chance he might feel different after time passes?

 

i know he is at his limit with the fighting and drama but i hope that there is some chance in his heart where he could see the bigger picture...

[favoritepills]

I've been there.

 

First of all, good job on having the insight to take responsibility for your part in the breakup. That's going to be an important part of your healing process. It sounds like you have anger issues that caused problems in your relationship -- I did too, and one of the first things I did was look for a counselor to help me work through those issues so that I wouldn't screw up my next relationship. I'm very glad I made that decision, and I recommend you do the same.

 

Whatever you do, DON'T call, text or email him. It's going to be very difficult, but trust me when I say it's good for you. Since he was the one who broke it off with you, he has to be the one to have a change of heart. And if he wants you back, he will make his intentions very clear to you.

 

Do whatever you have to -- stuff your phone in a drawer and go outside, ask your roommate to hide your phone from you at night (usually the most vulnerable time). Hell, I even downloaded a free DrunkBlocker app that would stop me from dialing his number!

 

Read the following guides on why No Contact or NC is the quickest way for you to heal:

 

No Contact - The Guide

6 Reasons to follow the No Contact Rule After A Breakup

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/81399-no-contact-q-you-ls-newbies

 

And if you can, I recommend getting your hands on a copy of It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken by Greg Behrendt. It's a cheesy little book, but great at making you feel hopeful post-breakup.

 

Now that you're single again, you'll find you have a lot of time on your hands now. Fill those hours by working on self-improvement -- do all the things you never had the time to do when you were in a relationship, work on looking and feeling good, go to a spa, treat yourself to a nice dinner. The first time I felt okay after getting dumped was when someone gave me a sales tour of this gym: for the first time, I was actually able to take my mind off of my ex and look forward to a bright new future for myself. The less I thought about him, the better I felt. I had things to do! Goals to achieve! It felt great.

 

And of course, turn to your friends for emotional support. I was not so lucky in this aspect because since I spent so much time with my ex, I didn't bother making friends. Thankfully, I got a good amount of support from this forum. But if you have friends, they're a wonderful, invaluable thing to have, especially now.

 

Ultimately, you want to aim for a fresh start, whether it's with him or with someone better. Working on self-improvement helps you do just that. Good luck!