My Daily Blog: A Desperate Attempt For Hope

[ednarg]

April 19, 2012 I was told those dreaded words; "I Love You But No Longer In Love With You". 15 days later I will tell my story. It seems the story is nothing new, but it is for me.

 

As all recipients of ILYB (I Love You But), I was shocked. 14 years of marriage, and 3 beautiful children. I am not on this board for answers, rather to timeline my feelings, approaches and most of all, let others know what I am doing to cope. In an effort to one day look at this and provide someone with some comfort in their dark times of need may be very helpful. And if one day I can look at this and reflect on all I have, I will be humbled.

 

The first 2 days I spent at a hotel. My wife wanted her space and I gave it to her. I first turned to any book that referenced ILYB. I came across Andrew Marshall's "I Love You But No Longer In Love With You". An excellent book. Facts are Facts. This happens to 1 in 4 couples. Andrew is very confident that love can be regained and become even stronger.

 

What I found so profound while reading it was that I finally, after all of this time realized what was wrong. Am I too late was all I keep asking myself.

My wife became disconnected. She felt we both had roles in the family and we no longer shared the same feelings. I did what I had to do (support our family, provide for them etc), my wife took care of the children. My wife felt that a divorce would save the relationship I was having with my children's. She felt a divorce would force me to spend 'quality time' with my children. How sad is that

 

I also recognized the lack of support I provided when her mother passed. Her mom hated me and I showed no remorse and worse, no support for my wife when she died. The resentment grew and grew and grew. And whenever I would feel there was something wrong, I would always ask her to fix it. I can honestly say I was not a person even I would love. I did not blame my wife for ONE moment about how she felt. In fact I have been thanking her every day [i came back to my home on the 3rd day to live in a separate room. I could not be away from my children]. My wife has enlightened me in every sense of the word.

 

Now, 15 days later, my wife has said to me she is willing to give us a shot at trying to get those feelings back. She feels so strongly that her love is gone forever and regaining that feeling is impossible. Today I will share my journey with you (for those who care to listen).

 

My first step, was recognizing all of my faults. My pride is no longer an issue. I take full responsibility for my wife's feelings towards me. And no, there is no affair. I am currently seeing a therapist as is she. I truly believe if she searches for that love that died, she may find it one day. I am a firm believer that 'Mature Love' comes from loving actions. My biggest argument is if she was able to love the selfish person I was, then loving me now will be so much more than it ever was.

 

Since this [iLYB] has happened my relationship with my children has prospered. My wife feels like we can finally connect. But the true test is if I can win her heart. I have been making a tremendous effort at healing the past. The loss of her mother and the resentment she has towards me is my number one priority. Based on what I read, you can not love if you resent or if your are depressed or sad. My wife has said she is all of those things. I am hoping therapy and time will heal us.

 

My wife's love language is 'Acts of Service'. We took the Assessment today (The 5 Love Languages website). My wife said today that helping her with the kids and appreciating her was very important. She wants to know she is not a 'single parent'. She wants to feel connected.

 

My first steps: Healing the past of all of the resentments and swallowing my pride. I have already expressed sincere remorse for my actions and I feel I made a good start. My goal is to share memories with my children of their grandmother. I will make her a part of their life even though she has passed. I feel this is as important for them as it is to my wife.

 

I have been contributing as much as I can around our home. And what is so great about this is the relationship I am now developing with my children and the gratification of helping the woman I love more than anything else in the world.

 

Today May 4, 2012 my story with you begins.

[14afreshstart]

Bless your heart and best of luck in salvaging your marriage. I applaud you for maintaining your composure and pursuing an action plan that first and foremost acknowledges your share and contribution to this marital breakdown.

 

I unfortunately had a similar situation with 4 kids but was unable to effect the right changes to salvage our marriage as by the time I realized the gap that existed between us it simply was way too late.

 

Good luck

[ednarg]

Today is the 16th day. Things at home are pretty 'normal'. My wife is a saint. She really is. She treats me so kind. You would never know she is no longer in love with me.

Today I spoke to a close friend who has a lot of experience counseling couples. He knows me well. He also knows I am a very driven man who always 'fixes' things. Well he laid it on me. He told me to STOP. To not fix this. He said your wife needs to do this by herself. She will look at this as your 'project' and you will not get anywhere trying to 'fix' this. He was right. Today I promised myself to take a back seat to my wife's emotions and our relationship. This advice may be the best advice I have gotten in some time.

This does not help with the way I feel about myself. I spent the entire day with the family. I enjoyed my kids and our relationship is getting stronger. My wife feels that I am over doing it. She sees me doing everything and is getting a little irritated. I said that she needs to let me do this. When I am unable to do something I will tell her.

Back to my friend...the counselor. He gave me hope. He said that he too went through the very same thing with his wife and they came out stronger. He also reiterated what a lot of people have and that is, it is not all about me and her feelings towards me. I still feel the death of her mom is still a traumatic experience she continues to wrestle with. I also feel her depression about her mom, and perhaps the fact that she is going to be 42 years old is also playing a role with the feelings she has. Hopefully therapy will help.

I have been spending a lot of time in thought. I really feel it was my actions, my poor judgment and the fact that I took her for granted all these years that made these feelings surface. As I said in my first post, I am truly enlightened. I have come to grips with the fact that I was a complete a**hole. My actions have been speaking volumes. My kids see it and so does my wife. She however, feels it will not last. I on the other hand HATE the old person I was and would never want to go back to that. As I sit and speak with my wife, I remember things I would have done as the 'old me'. As I recognize thoughts I would have had I say to myself, what a rotten thing to have said (these were thoughts I would have blurted out and did not of course).

I am really struggling with the fact that I was such an ugly person. I whole heartily feel that this has happened for a reason. This is my wake up call. I have two paths to choose from. The right one or continue on my old path. I see clearer and clearer every day. Fortunately I am able to go through this in my home in front of my wife and children. And if actions got me here, well then my actions will get her back. I really believe it will even if my wife feels she may never get those feelings back.

 

I have a beautiful mothers day planned for my wife. I am hoping this is another baby step in her love for me. I hope...that is all I have.

 

Some hopeful things that get me to sleep at night.

1. She hasn't asked for a divorce

2. She still wants me living in our home

3. She is giving me a blank slate, to see if she will be able to love me again

4. She promised to search for those feelings again.

 

Not too bad for someone who wanted out 16 days ago. I'd call this progress. I really attribute this to letting down my pride and ego and seeing from a birds eye view. My dad used to say; "God's gift to mankind is not seeing ourselves as others see us". He is a very wise man.

 

Until tomorrow.

[ednarg]

I woke up this morning feeling more lonely than ever. It is very difficult to sleep much less function when you feel the woman who was supposed to love you till death do us part no longer does. But Time is teaching me a valuable lesson.

 

For those going through this very same thing, here is something to reflect upon.

Unconditional Love. Although you may feel your wife (or husband) has not given you that unconditional love you thought you had, look inside yourself and see if you gave it back. I know now that I did not. I can run through a dozen or so times when I should have put our differences aside in the name of unconditional love. I know my wife has. The real problem was, she didn't feel it back when she gave it. And as a result, little by little it went away.

 

I wrote my mother in law (who passed away 7 1/2 years ago) a letter. This was something I needed to do for myself. In the letter I pledged my unconditional love to her daughter. I apologized for failing her (my wife's mom). The last time I saw my mother in law, I promised to always take care of her daughter. Well I failed...miserably. I pledged to my mother in law that I will now love her daughter unconditionally, the way I was loved. It is sad that one love had to die for another to be born.

 

So if anyone out there is reading this, and you pledge to love your spouse unconditionally, give them their space. Let them go, understand how they feel. Prove that your unconditional love is not just a word you say, or write in a card. If I were to give up on my wife and my family; if I were to separate and get a divorce without trying my very hardest to change who I am, and not who she is, perhaps this blog will end one day with me being loved by my wife again.

 

Time is on our side, or I would like to hope it is. What I am really getting out of this is that you can't just give up. It is only 17 days for me and it feels like I have a lifetime of work ahead of me. But my new founded unconditional love, I hope, will get me through this. My wife has taught me to love. My problem was I loved the only way I knew how. And thanks to my wife I learned how wrong it was. It was never unconditional.

 

I miss my wife so much today.

[standtall]

Ed..women with children minor rarely check out of marriages unless.

 

1. Drug/alcohol abuse by either party

2. Physical/ emotional abuse by either party

3. Mental illness by either party

4. Third party involvement

 

Now, this is not an absolute list, but will cover most cases. Some other factors are criminal activity, religious/political issues, life philosophies..ect. But that stuff should have been sorted out during the dating/engagement phase. Another is abandonment...mental or physical, with that said, I will address the elephant in the room.

 

My wife became disconnected. She felt we both had roles in the family and we no longer shared the same feelings. I did what I had to do (support our family, provide for them etc), my wife took care of the children. My wife felt that a divorce would save the relationship I was having with my children's. She felt a divorce would force me to spend 'quality time' with my children

 

This indicates that you were married and dedicated to your job, rather than to your wife and family. Now, she mentioned divorce as a way to connect with your children, but divorce is not about them...it is about you and your wife. So you have to ask yourself honestly how much time did you spend away from her, and when you were around did you support her emotional needs? I know you mentioned acts of service as her main love language, but i don't think that is her only one...how about "quality time" or "words of affirmation"?

[ednarg]

Fortunately, none of those reasons to leave are an issue.

 

You are right about married to my job. This was something brought up years ago. Since then, I no longer work weekends and I am home for dinner every night. However this was only a part of her needs. She wanted me to sit down and eat dinner with the family rather than eat and run. She would be left alone after I was done. The kids would see this and they too would leave the table. I realize now that 'quality time' is extremely important on a family level. This, I feel has played a contributing role in her feelings towards me. This was just one instance of many that I was physically 'in the room' but not there.

People who feel 'quality time' means just sitting next to their spouse are way off. The physical does not play any role with the mental aspect of 'quality time'. Now...and only now do I get it.

 

'Acts of Service' applies to her as well. I know this simply because she felt like a single mother. I am realizing the role she has played all of these years as a mother and I can say that I shared no part in it. I know now, after seeing a huge response from my children, how important it is as a family to be truly involved in every sense of the word.

 

You mentioned 'Words of Affirmation'. I am beginning to feel my wife needs that as well. You know, her love language assessment came back as a tie between 'Physical Touch' and 'Acts of Service'; 'Quality Time' came in 3rd! She then said that her feelings towards me (of resentment) played a role in her desire for me to touch her.

 

I firmly believe that this goes back to my abandonment of her when her mother died. I am determined to right this wrong.

 

You know, I spend a lot of time reading now; about love and relationships. The one thing I really believe is that change can only come when it is done by the person wanting the change to happen, and in this case it is me.

I cannot believe how much I am finally learning about my wife, our relationship and myself.

This could very well be the most important thing to have ever happened in my life. Imagine if I had not changed? My children would probably hate me when they got older, my wife would have left when the kids were out on their own. And worse, I would have had a lifetime of regrets and resentment (towards myself) that I would be faced with. I really believe my wife telling me; "I Love You But I Am Not In Love With You' was the greatest gift anyone has given me.

 

Is that an absurd statement???

Edited May 6, 2012 by ednarg

[standtall]

This could very well be the most important thing to have ever happened in my life. Imagine if I had not changed? My children would probably hate me when they got older, my wife would have left when the kids were out on their own. And worse, I would have had a lifetime of regrets and resentment (towards myself) that I would be faced with. I really believe my wife telling me; "I Love You But I Am Not In Love With You' was the greatest gift anyone has given me.

 

Is that an absurd statement???

 

No, not at all. Better late that never, or after she was involved with someone else. You're in a very fixable stage, and you sound like you have your head around things. With your new awareness and her response to it, maybe it was just her cry for help in the marriage and you are acting in the nick of time. On a similar note, about 12 yrs ago right after my middle one was born, and 3 yrs of marriage, I got the "I don't love you anymore" speech. I was being verbally abusive about her role in the marriage..she choose to be a SAHM, and she wasn't doing it to my liking...Well, I woke up and accepted her for the way she was and she took a step towards me, and since then we have gotten along and love each other more now than we ever did. There can be a happy ending..good luck.

[DelUK]

Hi

 

You certainly seem to have reacted to the wake up call and quite rightly you are fighting for your marriage. Im pleased your partner is giving you that opportunity, with patience I think you'll survive this.

 

My partner has not given me that chance and after 5 months of distance has now left me. Im still hoping (see my thread) but my battle looks more bleak.

 

I think you are reacting in the right way. I think you've a chance. Good luck...

[ednarg]

In one of the books I am reading, I came across a chapter on forgiveness. Time has given me the ability to really focus on myself and my relationships. Not just my relationship with my wife, but relationships.

 

In the book it said; Pretend for a moment you owe $25,000.00 on your VISA. You call up the bank and you settle on a final payoff. Let's say the final payoff is $5,000.00. The bank forgives you of the remaining debt. You move on. The bank will never call you up and say; "Hey, where is the rest of my money". Once forgiven, the credit card is closed and you move on. Why can't I do this with someone I love? Sure we have all been hurt by someone we really love. But forgiveness is the key. I can almost bet that my wife feels that one day I am going to say; "Look what you did to me! You broke my heart"! Perhaps that may even be a reason she is so reluctant to begin loving me again. Maybe she feels this will loom over her head for the rest of our lives. If it were me, I know I would hate to have this brought up after an argument. But who really benefits from this? Forgiving the person you love is one of the most important 'necessities' in a healthy relationship. I was unable to forgive.

 

Since my wife told me she was no longer in love with me, I realized this was not because of what she did to make her feel this way; rather it was something I did to make her feel the way she does. I remembered all of those times I would say; I cannot believe what you did to me 2, 3 or 4 years ago! What a fool I was to bring up the past. And what do I get from bringing up the past? Resentment! Just about every thing she did to hurt me was a direct reflection of how she was treated [and hurt] by me. How dare I tell her she hurt me! My wife has never done a single intentional thing to hurt me. Any hurt that she caused me was a reflection of what she felt I did to her. As I write this, I become more and more ashamed of my behavior. How can someone move ahead if they are constantly looking behind?

 

If one day she finds me in her heart again, I will never bring up the past again. Thinking back now, I realize how many times I would do that in a week. It is no wonder she was exhausted with therapy, and trying to 'fix' us. Had I let go of the past I may not be typing this write now.

 

One never knows if those 'baby steps' are moving in the right direction. I have to believe they are. This morning my wife sent me a text.

It read: Thank you so much for taking care of things I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. You really stepped up! You have been great...

 

What my wife needs to know is that I really enjoyed helping her out. She was sick and I spent the entire weekend with the kids. Although it was great for my wife, it was even better for me!

 

A few minutes later I received another text. It read: "Our Son (name withheld) told me yesterday he loves the new you, he said it in those words."

 

Perhaps another baby step? I hope...

 

Another thing I have learned...it is not one little thing; it is HUNDRED's of little things. So when you ask yourself what you need to do, remember HUNDRED's of 'little things'.

 

Until tomorrow.

[Yasuandio]

You have to forgive yourself. If you believe in a Higher Power, go, privately, to a person in authority, that can ask the Higher Power to forgive your sins against your wife and family. Ask for direction in how to forgive yourself. You could have this discussion with your pastor, for instance. He could pray and ask God himself to forgive you. I promise you will gain tremendous strenghth from doing this.

 

Also, walking around in "guilt-mode" can be perceived in a number of unintentional, and perhaps unattractive ways - although it is understood by us, that you are, indeed, showing catriction. Everyone needs a wake up call now and then. And it comes a day that it wouldn't hurt any of us to get a full "tune-up." Good luck, and thank you for posting these entries and stimulating this dialogue. Chin up. Yas

Edited May 7, 2012 by Yasuandio

[thatone]

you don't tell us why your mother in law didn't like you. if she did so for no apparent reason, you do not owe her any sort of adoration in return. you're not married to your mother in law, you're married to your wife.

 

you don't tell us whether your wife works or is staying at home with your kids. if she is staying home with the kids, then your working long hours is part of the deal. if you failed to give her perspective on that, that's your only failure. communication is a two way street, not one person telling the other what they want to hear.

 

and even though you swear there's no infidelity i will guarantee you that no woman is going to check out of a marriage without another prospect on the horizon. you can bet that her pushing you for 'space' coincided with her sitting around thinking about a guy who approached her somewhere else, or a guy who she thought she was interested in somewhere else even if he didn't approach her.

 

i'll be the cynic, but it sounds to me like you're still trying to 'fix' your wife, by assuming her emotions and burdens.

 

beyond all of the BS there's usually a much more simple explanation for these situations.

[ednarg]

It has been a very difficult 24 hours. Spending time at home with my family makes me miss it even more. But what do I really miss? What do I really want? I wanted what it was like 6 months ago. Everyone was happy...WRONG. I do not want 6 months ago. I may have been happy (although I am not so sure I was) and the rest of my family were miserable.

 

I still look for ounces of hope. Anywhere I can look for it. Some days it shows up, some it doesn't.

 

The lines of communication remain open with me and my wife. No hard feelings although I see myself getting a little jealous now. The once confident man is no longer confident. We have been spending time talking about all sorts of stuff. I feel I need to brace myself for a fall, but I am too scared to think about that now.

 

I do not walk around moping around my home for those who may think I am feeling sorry for myself. I am giving my wife a lot of space and time. I do not call, text or email my wife during the day. I think the important thing here is letting her figure this out on her own.

 

Until my next post

[ednarg]

On Monday evening I knew something was wrong. At 3:24 AM I woke up to a horrific nightmare. My wife drove me to a shelter and threw me and my clothes out of a car and sped off. I did not sleep the rest of the evening.

 

On Tuesdays I work off site from my office. It just so happened that my son got sick in school. My wife was at the gym, so I picked him up. My wife had got home around the same time. I told her I was off to work. Instead of leaving for work, I parked my car up the block and followed her. She said she would be off to her friends house. She was lying.

 

I found her having sex in his car at a local park...

 

The End

[Yasuandio]

Are you surprised this is the outcome of your self-described poor treatment of your wife? A poster warned that this could be the case. Understandably, you are in shock, hurt and angry.

 

Why don't you re-read you post and switch shoes? Just because you've had a sudden awakening doesn't mean everything is fixed now. Yes, you may have her over a barrow right now - but I hope this doesn't change your enlightenment. Go look at Marriage Builders site. I may not be too late, if you meant what you said about forgiveness, this does not have to be your "final post.". Yas

[ednarg]

Yas, this blog has saved me. I did reflect on every post I wrote. Had I not been sincere I would have never given her a second chance. She was unloved, unhappy and unfaithful. She will forever wear the 'Scarlet Letter'.

 

I forgave her. I have learned more about myself in the past 3 weeks than in my entire lifetime. She has enlightened me. The relationship with my children are forever changed (for the better). I have found the good that came of this. Absurd?

 

I am sure I am not the first man who had an unfaithful wife. And I am sure I am not the first man to forgive her and come out stronger.

 

I hope these posts can help others. If not to cope, but to learn to forgive.

 

Goodbye

[standtall]

On Tuesdays I work off site from my office. It just so happened that my son got sick in school. My wife was at the gym, so I picked him up. My wife had got home around the same time. I told her I was off to work. Instead of leaving for work, I parked my car up the block and followed her. She said she would be off to her friends house. She was lying.

 

I found her having sex in his car at a local park...

 

The End

 

Sorry to hear it...that sucks. My question is what did you do with your child? Also, she was having car sex in broad daylight in a park? Doesn't he have a place? Is he married/committed as well?

Edited May 10, 2012 by standtall

[DelUK]

I feel for you. You did right to follow her, to find the truth. The difficult thing now is how you compute that truth. Im struggling with it.

 

Best wishes.

[Yasuandio]

Yas, this blog has saved me. I did reflect on every post I wrote. Had I not been sincere I would have never given her a second chance. She was unloved, unhappy and unfaithful. She will forever wear the 'Scarlet Letter'.

 

I forgave her. I have learned more about myself in the past 3 weeks than in my entire lifetime. She has enlightened me. The relationship with my children are forever changed (for the better). I have found the good that came of this. Absurd?

 

I am sure I am not the first man who had an unfaithful wife. And I am sure I am not the first man to forgive her and come out stronger.

 

I hope these posts can help others. If not to cope, but to learn to forgive.

 

Goodbye

 

There is absolutely nothing absorb about anything you've written. All your words and thoughts demonstrate great wisdom, early on.

 

I regret that your wife is carrying on her sexual activity in a vehichle parked in a public place. Indeed, that is a statement in and of itself, and sad. You are a big man to begin the forgiving process for such unbecoming conduct. And I certainly would make sure to define it that way in your mind - that was a stupid, low-class thing to do and she could have been arrested and convicted of a public sex, a crime that would stay on her records, and neighborhood records for life. Make darn sure she relizes this fact.

 

You have made your own mistakes, and have owned them in the most deeply heartfelt manner she could ever hope for. She is responsible for this affair and public indecency that could have ruined her reputation and life throughout the stigma of being convicted of a sex crime. DO NOT feel you are responsible for her conduct. She must own it, and apologize for it, and agree to stop seeing this person if there is any hope.

 

I suggest you look at the Marriage Builders website, and read the free articles on infidelity. They present step by step instructions on how to handle this matter. For you, please research the different types of "forgiveness."

 

Your posts have been extremely informative, and I encourage you to keep posting. There are many many wise folks on this forum, that I am sure, too, so appreciate your diary. I believe things happen for a reason, holds tight to what you've learned, but realize you have a right to a loyal spouse as well. Please keep posting. Yas