Sexual aggression in chat

[spiderowl]

If I'm getting to know a new guy online, I don't want to start off with sex chat. Inevitably the guy tries to steer the conversation that way. I avoid it, he persists. Eventually, I say something and he apologises and stops, but usually stops chatting too. But, next time we chat he is back on the same subject and this time more aggressive. In the end, his frustration at my lack of willingness to indulge his fantasies before I even know him, gets the better of him and he takes some 'aggressive' step to effectively force it on me. The latest guy appeared on msn out of the blue and asked me if I wanted to see a picture of 'what I'd done to him'. Up until then, he had seemed fairly decent and respectful, which was the only reason I gave him my msn address. When I said what he'd said was inappropriate, he claimed he couldn't help it.

 

This has happened so often I despair of ever making a respectful contact online. I am not responsible for these guys' fantasies, their frustration, or anything else; I am merely trying to get to know them to see if they are a good people, you know, and someone I'd like to meet. It's pretty depressing to find yet another guy has no respect.

 

A guy wouldn't expect a woman he'd met in person to talk sex fantasies with him before he'd even asked her out so why would he do this online? Younger guys are even worse. I feel sorry for girls these days, if this is all they can expect from guys their age.

 

Should I just give up on meeting someone online? I feel it's pretty hopeless actually because this seems to be all I get, even from guys my own age.

[dasein]

This is why you should nix men who don't quickly progress towards asking you out on a real date. This consists of 1-2 emails, you giving your phone number, them calling and asking out. Sticking to this type of process, and men who follow it, will elimidate a huge % of sex chatters and bad bets.

[spiderowl]

I'm not saying he hadn't asked me out - he had, but we hardly know each other yet and haven't met. We spoke on the phone briefly. I wouldn't have thought that asking someone out gives them license to behave like that either. It would be like saying "I like you, I'm attracted to you and have expressed a desire to date you, therefore now we can talk sexual fantasies." Is that really what guys expect? Why can't they exercise some restraint at least until we've met a couple of times?

[dasein]

No idea what guys generally do or don't do, but I find IM and chat -extremely- boring, and if I ever were chatting before even going out on a date with a woman, who knows what I might type just to keep myself awake and get some sort of stimulation out of the hideous ordeal.

[spiderowl]

Even if you found it boring, wouldn't you realise that you'd be shooting yourself in the foot if you upset the other person before you'd even met? I would have met a few of these guys, but this kind of behaviour put me off them and I decided not to. I was seriously thinking of meeting this guy, but now there's no chance I would risk it and he's blocked on msn.

[mesmerized]

Yes, this is pretty much what you get online. Most guys online are only looking for booty calls and not more.

[dasein]

Honestly, if a woman refused a date or put me off due to "get to know you" and wouldn't at least talk on the phone, I'd just move on, so may not be the best point of reference. I haven't been in a position of chatting/IM with women since the early 90s.

[spiderowl]

Thanks for comments. It would be nice to hear some other views. I'm wondering why guys just can't control themselves for long. It only takes two times chatting for this to happen. Do they really think being aggressive is a good move?

[Feelin Frisky]

That guy showed creepiness early and conformed it. I'm not one for sweeping generalizations about entire demographics so, I'd say keep your hopes up and just have faith--but flush the toilet on garbage when it shows itself. Good luck, spidey.

[ThaWholigan]

Surprisingly I have had a few girls initiate this with me online before without speaking prior, and it makes me a little uncomfortable at times, and also I did not know how to reply or reciprocate as it was highly unusual. I also didn't know if they were secretly dudes or not .

[spiderowl]

Thanks for comments and for encouraging words, Frisky. I feel I need them at the moment!

[PlumPrincess]

Are you not the poster who once said that she got approached so often by random strangers? And I think I said that it might be due to something very prominent about you, like a big butt or big breasts. And now you have the same problem online.

 

Or I'm the exception that never really experiences normal guy behavior.

[spiderowl]

That was when I was younger, it doesn't happen when I'm out now. I don't know what happens; I'm beginning to think I'm doomed never to meet a decent guy who has a measure of self-control. I like sex as much as anyone but I want to get to know the guy first. Why does it seem that's too much to ask from 99% of guys?

[spiderowl]

I'd be surprised if many women initiate this kind of thing and, like you, Thahooligan, I'd wonder if they were guys.

[Romeofud]

If I'm getting to know a new guy online, I don't want to start off with sex chat. Inevitably the guy tries to steer the conversation that way. I avoid it, he persists. Eventually, I say something and he apologises and stops, but usually stops chatting too. But, next time we chat he is back on the same subject and this time more aggressive. In the end, his frustration at my lack of willingness to indulge his fantasies before I even know him, gets the better of him and he takes some 'aggressive' step to effectively force it on me. The latest guy appeared on msn out of the blue and asked me if I wanted to see a picture of 'what I'd done to him'. Up until then, he had seemed fairly decent and respectful, which was the only reason I gave him my msn address. When I said what he'd said was inappropriate, he claimed he couldn't help it.

 

This has happened so often I despair of ever making a respectful contact online. I am not responsible for these guys' fantasies, their frustration, or anything else; I am merely trying to get to know them to see if they are a good people, you know, and someone I'd like to meet. It's pretty depressing to find yet another guy has no respect.

 

A guy wouldn't expect a woman he'd met in person to talk sex fantasies with him before he'd even asked her out so why would he do this online? Younger guys are even worse. I feel sorry for girls these days, if this is all they can expect from guys their age.

 

Should I just give up on meeting someone online? I feel it's pretty hopeless actually because this seems to be all I get, even from guys my own age.

 

Why dont u quit the whining & meet men in real life; **** the OLD since it aint working anyway lol. I promise u will heed better results if u put your self out there for guys to see & approach.

[spiderowl]

I do go out and meet people but, to be frank, few have appealed and those that did were generally attached to very nice women.

[Romeofud]

I do go out and meet people but, to be frank, few have appealed and those that did were generally attached to very nice women.

 

Stop being so freaking picky lol. How old are u? I gotta ask this because u gotta lower those physical standards after a while or u know what follows

[spiderowl]

No point being with someone I don't find attractive or interesting.

[Ruby Slippers]

Yeah, I've had the same experience so far. I'd say less than 10% of guys lead with something other than talking about how turned on they are, begging for revealing pics, etc. You basically have to weed through that low-quality 90% to find anyone even worth talking to. But among that 10%, there are some cool guys. Just be prepared to search for a diamond in the rough. And for me, this has been true across the dating spectrum, not just online.