Is sexual attraction key to a long term relationship?

[DavidHC]

I have been with my girlfriend for just over 3 years now. We are both in our late twenties. We both love each other. We get along very well, and have similar political/religious/social leanings, and compatible interests. Where we our interests are not compatible, we have a mutual agreement not to try to coerce the other to participate. We basically don't fight at all and have very good communication, talking things out whenever we do have problems, about future plans etc.

 

Essentially, in every part of the relationship bar the below, everything is going very well (as far as I am aware). The impetus for me asking this question is that we are considering moving in together in less than a month.

 

We met via online dating 3 years ago, when I had just come off a year long relationship, and moved to a different city for work. At the time, I was depressed from being away from my family and friends and feeling increasingly unattractive due to becoming increasingly overweight. It took nearly 3 months to get one date via online dating (small city), with a number of rejections or simply having requests go ignored (which I understand is completely normal on online dating sites), so I had a vested interest which was at least partially physical in seeing how far a relationship would go. Prior to the meeting, I had only had a shot of the top half of her face, while she had a whole body shot of me (just normal dating profile pics). At the meeting, I discovered she was somewhat overweight, which was not a deal breaker for me, just mentioning it for completeness.

 

We chatted, and decided to meet again later. This continued and after a few weeks we proceeded to a sexual relationship. This is my first long term relationship. I have had prior relationships, but they were all short term.

 

Her job is quite stressful, so we have had some dry spells where I have become quite frustrated with the lack of sex. I would say that in terms of libido though, I would like sex twice a week, where she would be fine with once or less. I'd say we're just above the point where we wouldn't be having enough for me to be happy. The only time she ever initiates sex is when I have just mentioned that I'd like her to initiate more. This never leads to her initiating more in general, just (essentially) straight after I mention it. This is the first issue.

 

The second issue is that I am basically sexually neutral toward her. I am not turned off, but by the same token, I am not really turned on. I like being close to her in bed (it is comforting), hugs etc, but I basically never (I cannot think of even one example) have lustful thoughts about her. I know, and fully recognize that this is not something I can discuss with her without completely crushing her self esteem, which I have absolutely no desire to do, I love her and seeing her smile.

 

I would never, under any circumstances, consider cheating on her. I do notice myself checking out other girls in a way I never do for her though, which mostly makes me sad.

 

I managed to drop 35 pounds last year, and have become much fitter than I was. I am much more happy with how I look than I was at the start of the relationship. This year she has had a lot of success with losing weight and doing exercise, after trying for the last two years without much success (at least partially due to her job). This hasn't really changed how I feel about her. I am not sure if it will, but have been holding out hope.

 

This has been bothering me a lot recently, especially with imminently moving into her place, and both of us getting older.

 

Does anyone have any advice? Am I a jackass?

[pteromom]

You aren't a jackass. You can't help the way you feel.

 

I do not think sexual attraction is a key to a long-term relationship, but sexual COMPATIBILITY definitely is.

 

If you are neutral about her, and she doesn't want sex often, and you'd both be happy with sex once-in-a-while, that is fine.

 

BUT - you are wanting it more often than you are getting it. AND thinking about doing it with other women. That's not a good combo.

 

I wouldn't move in together at this point. Unless you are certain you would be happy with a life in which you are never really turned on by your partner.

[yongyong]

No. I see nothing wrong with that. To have a very long relationship, I say she should be like your little sister during day time and a wh ore (strong word but 100% true) at night.

If either of those are lacking, I don't think it will last long.

[Wacko]

Don't move in together!

That will make it waaay more complicated if you decide to bounce.

Tell her you need more time. Maybe she'll decide that you're commitment-phobic and dump you. Problem solved.

 

I think if you had the right partner, you'd be wanting it more than twice a week too.

Staying in this relationship is just comfortable enough that you're not taking the risk of finding someone more compatible.

 

Good luck.

 

she should be like your little sister during day time

How about just 'sister'?

'little sister' has an odd ring to it.

[Quiet Storm]

I've been with my husband 21 years and we still want to have sex with each other. It's not the only good thing in our relationship, but I think it makes everything else run more smoothly. We both feel happy and connected after sex, and it gives us something to look forward to. The daily routine, the kids, our jobs, the stress of life...can get to you. Knowing we have our alone time to look forward to at the end of the day is comforting, and thinking about it still gets me excited.

 

I think sexual attraction is essential to feel content and satisfied. I think it energizes you and prompts you to put effort into making your spouse happy. I have noticed that in sexless marriages, a man's desire to please his woman in other ways fades. If he's not happy in the bedroom, he's not as eager to carry the groceries, have brunch with the in laws, paint the dining room, etc. Sex puts pep in his step, glide in his stride. If a woman is not satisfied, she is often less affectionate and distant. A good sex life lightens her mood and she doesn't sweat the small stuff as much. So I think a good sex life is a win-win situation, and when the sex is messed up, other issues in the relationship get magnified.