ubl Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I am having trouble forgiving my boyfriend for the way he has acted during our relationship. Here is the situation: We have been together for 3 and a half years, and his ex-girlfriend hated me from the beginning. She was crushed that he had moved on and found someone new. She found it really hard to let go: she continued seeing his family regularly, she sent him messages constantly, she kept posted photos of them together on her blog, she came to visit him, she bought him presents, she confided in him a lot etc. It was painfully obvious that she was trying to win him back. My boyfriend, despite my discomfort, never addressed it with her. He simply said that they were good friends. I had the feeling that he didn't want to create an awkward situation by telling her to "move on", so instead he chose to let it fizzle out (which it still hasn't). The thing that hurts, that really makes me feel sad, is that he valued her feelings above mine. In spite of the humiliation I felt, he refused to take my side and tell her to back off. This was all a while back, but I am having trouble forgiving him. What can I do to move on?
darkmoon Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 if he's stopped seeing her just be glad stop moaning or you might drive him away she's gone so do not remind him of her
Author ubl Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 I never speak to him about her, for fear of reminding him. He dumped her and he has never been interested in her since. He really broke her heart and I think he didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her to get lost a second time.
pteromom Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I don't see the issue. SHE was posting photos, visiting his family, etc. He is not responsible for what SHE does. So - I wouldn't have addressed it with her either if I was him. It's not a matter of taking sides. She was trying to win him back, and he chose to ignore her rather than confront her. Now if he texted her BACK, or met her to talk to her, or whatever, that's different. But in that case, you had a problem with HIM, not with him not taking your side. I think you need to let this go. Realize that it doesn't matter if she gets "I LOVE UBL'S BOYFRIEND" tattooed on her chest. He's still not responsible for what she does.
darkmoon Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 i think you are doing all the right things, then, the longer this passe situation gets left alone the more it will recede
Author ubl Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 But this is the thing: he did respond. He got her birthday presents for a while, kept in contact and met up. Just refused to acknowledge that she had a crush on him still.
Author ubl Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 I dunno, I guess I am still just bitter about the fact that he kept a friendship with her, she took it as a sign that he was interested and "flaunted it". I asked him to tone it down a bit because it hurt my feelings, but he never did.
darkmoon Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 has the ex gone or not? if she has then you have a good result - what more do you want? seriously.
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I am having trouble forgiving my boyfriend for the way he has acted during our relationship. Here is the situation: We have been together for 3 and a half years, and his ex-girlfriend hated me from the beginning. She was crushed that he had moved on and found someone new. She found it really hard to let go: she continued seeing his family regularly, she sent him messages constantly, she kept posted photos of them together on her blog, she came to visit him, she bought him presents, she confided in him a lot etc. It was painfully obvious that she was trying to win him back. My boyfriend, despite my discomfort, never addressed it with her. He simply said that they were good friends. I had the feeling that he didn't want to create an awkward situation by telling her to "move on", so instead he chose to let it fizzle out (which it still hasn't). The thing that hurts, that really makes me feel sad, is that he valued her feelings above mine. In spite of the humiliation I felt, he refused to take my side and tell her to back off. This was all a while back, but I am having trouble forgiving him. What can I do to move on? You still don't get he's not over his ex do you? What about him wanting to break it off with her? how about him not wanting to tell her to go away not because he "feels oh so sorry for her" but because he doesn't want to let her go either? You settled in this relationship for being with a man that still wasn't over his ex and allowed him to prove that by keeping her in his life, while you sit back and blame the "Ex"...I mean be for real here, Is your BF a baby? does he need a warm bottle of milk and a pacifier? when do you expect him to grow up and take control over his life or would you rather convince yourself that he isn't into her for how many more years? It's already been 3.5 years. I'm not sure why women jump into relationships with men like this, without him having an opportunity to get over her he's going to continue this process and in fact If you guys broke up I wouldn't be surprised IF he's back with her once again. And she's even worse than you, she's doing what she can because she wants to be with him so she's holding out until your relationship ends so she can snatch him back up (to prove she really does love her ::swoon: he must be quite the prize! Now it's a catty competition between you versus her, and you know who's referring this competition...yes, your one and only snuggle boo who's told you he wants nothing to do with her and everything he does is because she's...alone, he hurt her, she's close to his family, we're good friends/pals...yadda yadda yadda. Now that this phase is "over", he still harbors those emotions and still doesn't want to admit that side of his emotions, he'll just slap you away like a mesquito...the only hope as that his ex finally gave up and moved on for herself. What do you want to forgive him for? for lying to you, and continuing to do so about his feelings for her? I don't see the forgiveness part of this transaction. He should be apologizing to you and admitting the truth and his fault in this so that you could move on...otherwise you're just going to have to suck it up like you did in the past just to be with him. 3
pteromom Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 But this is the thing: he did respond. He got her birthday presents for a while, kept in contact and met up. Just refused to acknowledge that she had a crush on him still. Ok - I missed this in your first post. Then his mistake was that he responded. It still wasn't his responsibility to tell HER what to do with her residual feelings. It obviously took him a while to get over her. But I still don't think that means he values her feelings over yours. He's with you, right?
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 the boy seems to be enjoying all this attention. Why is he still friends with her knowing it touches a nerve with you? Think about that. 1
TheFinalWord Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 I had the feeling that he didn't want to create an awkward situation by telling her to "move on", so instead he chose to let it fizzle out (which it still hasn't). The thing that hurts, that really makes me feel sad, is that he valued her feelings above mine. In spite of the humiliation I felt, he refused to take my side and tell her to back off. You had "the feeling"? See there is the problem. You are fabricating his motivations from your perspective. Instead, you should ask him why he continues to do this! Then at least you could approach it from his vantage point.
Author ubl Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 Well, he told me that it wasn't because they had broken up that they couldn't be friends. He dumped her TWO YEARS before he met me and the problem is that she is a family friend. Even if he never spoke to her again, she knows his parents well, his sister and his cousins (well enough to take holidays with). I am convinced my boyfriend doesn't want to be with her, the problem is that he preferred to hurt my feelings and keep her happy, than tell her to p*ss off and not embarass me.
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 Well, he told me that it wasn't because they had broken up that they couldn't be friends. He dumped her TWO YEARS before he met me and the problem is that she is a family friend. Even if he never spoke to her again, she knows his parents well, his sister and his cousins (well enough to take holidays with). I am convinced my boyfriend doesn't want to be with her, the problem is that he preferred to hurt my feelings and keep her happy, than tell her to p*ss off and not embarass me. Clearly this is a man who cares nothing about her feelings and has no emotions for her right? Do you really believe he has no emotions for her, or have you just convinced yourself that he doesn't? His actions don't speak out like a man who doesn't have any emotions for her...his actions speak out like he does have emotions for her, therefore he's concerned about protecting her and saving face with her rather than crossing her and making her upset...what in the world do you tell yourself is the reason a guy would do that? You guys faced toe to toe and guess who won...the ex gf he supposedly has no feelings for...how much sense does that make? Or were you completely full of crap and your expectations were to have him cross the line and disrespect her as a person for the sake of making himself look like he was crazy about you? It doesn't matter If he wants to be with her or not really, the fact of the matter is he's still showing an emotional attachment for her, deeper and more connected than with you...after all even IF you guys break up it sounds like she'll still be around...and you'll just be some girl he dated that wanted to cat fight about the ex still being in his life...that's how they'll look at it even though If he really wanted you to be happy and in his life, he'd definitely cross her and tell his family that this relationship is more important to him and that he hoped they'd respect it and try factoring her less out of family occasions out of respect for his relationship, since she is still his ex. He'd be fighting with his family and this ex, not with you. It looks to me like he's using the family ties as a reason to continue to communicate with her and have her in his life rather than having to let her go...little too convenient don't you think? Oh I HAVE to talk to her and be her friend because she's part of the family. "It was painfully obvious that she was trying to win him back. My boyfriend, despite my discomfort, never addressed it with her. He simply said that they were good friends." You're delusional about a lot of things right now, you don't get it...you don't want to accept the fact that men don't sit around letting a woman confide in them that they don't care about. He still likely loves and cares about her, he just tells himself they "couldn't work" but it doesn't change the situation emotionally...men develop relationships in different ways with women. This is also a critical time in your relationship...3.5 years is no drop in the bucket, at this time he should be reaffirming the relationship with you, declaring kind of what the future will look like or bring...start talking about serious things in each others lives together...at this point what do you think he's waiting for? or is the situation he's not really waiting for things to progress but waiting for things to fall apart? how solid is your relationship? seems like the communication is lacking, which is only going to get worse as time progresses and this is a situation you should be far beyond at this point in the relationship had it been serious to him.
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