Gulf-Delta Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 (edited) I've been NC for 14 days today....I'm not feeling any better....as each day passes I'm more and more tempted to contact my ex, and I miss her more than I did the day before....shouldn't it be getting easier to let go as time passes? Isn't that the point? Edited May 4, 2012 by Gulf-Delta
Author Gulf-Delta Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 What exactly are you missing? Just things about her I guess. I miss sharing my day with her and hearing about hers. Miss watching TV with her over dinner, with our inside jokes and stuff. I miss the way she thinks, her sense of humor. I miss just listening to music with her and talking about...stuff. I just miss her company really. And the sex, but that is out of the question I guess. When we broke up, she still came over and hung out and it was cool and we still talked. Since I went NC, all that's gone.
NeverDated Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I've been NC for 14 days today....I'm not feeling any better....as each day passes I'm more and more tempted to contact my ex, and I miss her more than I did the day before....shouldn't it be getting easier to let go as time passes? Isn't that the point? You need to look at NC like someone dying. For all intents and purposes, that's what's going on. You're going to cycle through all the stages of grief, backslide, and have times where it seems harder than it did at the very beginning. It's harder with a break-up because you always have the option of getting in contact, but you need to resist it. Let yourself feel what you're feeling and with time it will get better.
Author Gulf-Delta Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 You need to look at NC like someone dying. For all intents and purposes, that's what's going on. You're going to cycle through all the stages of grief, backslide, and have times where it seems harder than it did at the very beginning. It's harder with a break-up because you always have the option of getting in contact, but you need to resist it. Let yourself feel what you're feeling and with time it will get better. It gets harder and harder though. When I went NC, I did it with the intention of doing it for 30 days and see where my head is... At this rate I don't think I can make it. The urge is getting more and more and when I sleep, I think of her, and when I wake up, it's that much worse.... It can't be healthy to bottle up and stifle this kind of stuff, can it?
NeverDated Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 It gets harder and harder though. When I went NC, I did it with the intention of doing it for 30 days and see where my head is... At this rate I don't think I can make it. The urge is getting more and more and when I sleep, I think of her, and when I wake up, it's that much worse.... It can't be healthy to bottle up and stifle this kind of stuff, can it? Maybe someone dying was a bad analogy. You sound like someone quitting smoking. All you think about is your addiction (her). There will come a time when the addiction is broken. You will always experience a stab of grief over the loss, but eventually it will become a passing thought. Weeks 2 and 3 of changing a habit are the hardest. You've moved past the utter dedication to keep going that you had at first, and are now missing your preferred routine. It is totally normal to obsess about whatever (or whoever) you are cutting out of your life for a period of time. Like I said before, just feel it, don't act on it. Any desire to contact her will simply be born out the completely human need to ease the pain - totally avoiding the problem (being hung up on what you've lost). Even though you will feel better for a moment, it won't solve anything, you'll be right back where you were.
Author Gulf-Delta Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 Maybe someone dying was a bad analogy. You sound like someone quitting smoking. All you think about is your addiction (her). There will come a time when the addiction is broken. You will always experience a stab of grief over the loss, but eventually it will become a passing thought. Weeks 2 and 3 of changing a habit are the hardest. You've moved past the utter dedication to keep going that you had at first, and are now missing your preferred routine. It is totally normal to obsess about whatever (or whoever) you are cutting out of your life for a period of time. Like I said before, just feel it, don't act on it. Any desire to contact her will simply be born out the completely human need to ease the pain - totally avoiding the problem (being hung up on what you've lost). Even though you will feel better for a moment, it won't solve anything, you'll be right back where you were. But how do you get over the reasons you fell in love with someone. I fell in love her because of her wonderful mind, and her general attitude (physical stuff too)...how will I ever NOT like those things about her?
Starman8 Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Hi, I agree with NeverDated. There's no need to panic or react to the pain you feel. Just accept the feelings as they come, no need to do anything really. There's absolutely nothing you can do that will bring her back in your situation. Either she'll come back to you or she won't. She's gonna have to make that decision totally on her own. No contact in my opinion is about getting yourself back to square one, before you even met her in the first place. So you can be just a regular, fun guy that can live in the moment and doesn't need anyone else to make himself whole. But when a nice, attractive girl shows up that has some potential, you can be that charming man who piques her interest. Anyways, you'll have your ups and downs. Don't set any time-based goals. Just be happy on your own and everything else will fall into place.
Author Gulf-Delta Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 Hi, I agree with NeverDated. There's no need to panic or react to the pain you feel. Just accept the feelings as they come, no need to do anything really. There's absolutely nothing you can do that will bring her back in your situation. Either she'll come back to you or she won't. She's gonna have to make that decision totally on her own. No contact in my opinion is about getting yourself back to square one, before you even met her in the first place. So you can be just a regular, fun guy that can live in the moment and doesn't need anyone else to make himself whole. But when a nice, attractive girl shows up that has some potential, you can be that charming man who piques her interest. Anyways, you'll have your ups and downs. Don't set any time-based goals. Just be happy on your own and everything else will fall into place. I wasn't the best before I met my ex. I can truly say she made me a better person. I don't want to regress to the version of myself before I met her. I was lonely, sad, and very pessimistic. I'm just left with so many unanswered questions about the breakup and why things happened the way they did, plus eventually I do wanna be friends (legitimately) and that was the whole reason I went NC. So we could still be around each other without the feelings. I guess it's for those reasons I constantly think about her and reminisce.
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 I wasn't the best before I met my ex. I can truly say she made me a better person. I don't want to regress to the version of myself before I met her. I was lonely, sad, and very pessimistic. I'm just left with so many unanswered questions about the breakup and why things happened the way they did, plus eventually I do wanna be friends (legitimately) and that was the whole reason I went NC. So we could still be around each other without the feelings. I guess it's for those reasons I constantly think about her and reminisce. Do NOT give that kind of power to someone. YOU made you a better person. She just kept you company. Too many people who are lovelorn want to be friends with their exes and I never understood why. Maybe because people think there is potential to rekindle. When you are over this situation, it won't matter and you will have moved on. And you will still be the person you want to be. Don't depend on others for that kind of happiness. It comes from within. Give yourself time=it's still very early.
Author Gulf-Delta Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 Do NOT give that kind of power to someone. YOU made you a better person. She just kept you company. Too many people who are lovelorn want to be friends with their exes and I never understood why. Maybe because people think there is potential to rekindle. When you are over this situation, it won't matter and you will have moved on. And you will still be the person you want to be. Don't depend on others for that kind of happiness. It comes from within. Give yourself time=it's still very early. Nah, I don't buy into that. I was a different person when I met her. We changed each others lives for the better. I want to be friends with my ex someday the same reason I'm friends with anyone. Because I enjoy their company, they're fun to be around. As for rekindling, I've more or less accepted that that's not something that can happen. The trust is too broken, so I don't even think I want that to happen. But like all of my friends I've had silly arguments with, I've eventually forgiven them, and move on in my relationship with them.
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 Nah, I don't buy into that. I was a different person when I met her. We changed each others lives for the better. I want to be friends with my ex someday the same reason I'm friends with anyone. Because I enjoy their company, they're fun to be around. As for rekindling, I've more or less accepted that that's not something that can happen. The trust is too broken, so I don't even think I want that to happen. But like all of my friends I've had silly arguments with, I've eventually forgiven them, and move on in my relationship with them. This is different than a pal with whom you've had a silly argument.
Author Gulf-Delta Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 This is different than a pal with whom you've had a silly argument. But at the root of every positive relationship, be it a 70 year marriage, or a buddy you only see once in a while, there's still a common thread of friendship. Just because things didn't work out romantically doesn't mean that thread should be burned forever.
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 But at the root of every positive relationship, be it a 70 year marriage, or a buddy you only see once in a while, there's still a common thread of friendship. Just because things didn't work out romantically doesn't mean that thread should be burned forever. Good luck with that.
Author Gulf-Delta Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 Good luck with that. So the right thing to do would be burn a bridge with someone I shared a chunk of my life with? What is the benefit of that?
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 So the right thing to do would be burn a bridge with someone I shared a chunk of my life with? What is the benefit of that? Sounds like you are using friendship with the ex to somehow keep her around. Are you this way with all your pals? Just saying'. An ex is an ex for a reason. Why do you so desperately want to hang on to this one? Think about it. How old are you? I can't remember how long you said you were with this person; how much is a 'chunk' of your life? 2
Author Gulf-Delta Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 Sounds like you are using friendship with the ex to somehow keep her around. Are you this way with all your pals? Just saying'. An ex is an ex for a reason. Why do you so desperately want to hang on to this one? Think about it. How old are you? I can't remember how long you said you were with this person; how much is a 'chunk' of your life? Why would I not want this person around? A relationship didn't work so I have to pretend they don't exist forever? We're both 22, 2 years.
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 Why would I not want this person around? A relationship didn't work so I have to pretend they don't exist forever? We're both 22, 2 years. Yes; that's what I am saying; move on; it's done; it's over. Is she beating down your door to be your friend? You are only 22...2 years is not a 'chunk' of your life. you have lots ahead of you. You can't keep obsessing over this one person who isn't paying you any mind==that's not a friend. She seems to be doing a good job at pretending you don't exist. Use this time to heal and move on. If she wanted to be friends, you would be friends. Period. Stop waiting around for something to happen.
NeverDated Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 Why would I not want this person around? A relationship didn't work so I have to pretend they don't exist forever? We're both 22, 2 years. Question 1: Because it is next to impossible regress a relationship. You went from friendship to lovers. Being lovers and subsequently breaking up injects a massive amount of poison into the relationship. You are virtually guaranteed to have a dysfunctional friendship with her. You will always associate her with a wide variety of emotions, ranging from pain to happiness to love to regret. There cannot be a stable, workable, platonic friendship with that much baggage. Question 2: Yes. When a romantic relationship doesn't work, you should, ideally, treat the individual as anyone else you know casually. No long phone calls, no special meetings, no hanging out watching a movie. You are cordial when you run into each other, perhaps catch up, but you never let them get too close. Why? See the answer to Question 1. 1
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 Question 1: Because it is next to impossible regress a relationship. You went from friendship to lovers. Being lovers and subsequently breaking up injects a massive amount of poison into the relationship. You are virtually guaranteed to have a dysfunctional friendship with her. You will always associate her with a wide variety of emotions, ranging from pain to happiness to love to regret. There cannot be a stable, workable, platonic friendship with that much baggage. Question 2: Yes. When a romantic relationship doesn't work, you should, ideally, treat the individual as anyone else you know casually. No long phone calls, no special meetings, no hanging out watching a movie. You are cordial when you run into each other, perhaps catch up, but you never let them get too close. Why? See the answer to Question 1. You worded it much better than I could. Here is an example. My ex had the nerve to want to be friends after the breakup. Are you kidding me? I hated him around that time for all he put me through===but...Was all mixed up inside and still didn't want to see him eventually fall in love with someone new. And that is what happened. I thought I was 100percent over it when I saw pics of him and his new g/f on Facebook. I thought I was going to barf a thousand barfs, but I got over it. He is her problemo now. And, memories will be triggered; familiar cologne==the olfactory sense is eerily powerful. You will see your ex with someone new and the wound will rip open. And like I said; she's not rushing to be friends with you, so what kind of friend is this and what do you think you will gain/benefit from it??? It's just an excuse to keep her around under watchful eye in the hopes she runs back to you. I've treated my breakups like deaths. They are gone, have to go through mourning and move on.
jennisfora Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 i am friends with some of my ex's, the ones where there was no abuse. but, not close friends, more like acquaintences, if i still lived by one of them, we could be close friends, we were before we dated, but, we don't, and it has been at least 5 years since we were an item, if not more. to be able to just be a friend, takes a period of NC, and even then, it is something that is easier done when both parties have moved on, like he has a girlfriend and i had a boyfriend, water under the bridge sort of thing. but, to do that, all the romantic feelings and hopes have to be gone, all of it. you can't be a true friend while harboring another motive. and, i dont think that is fair to the other person who is taking you at your word. but, that's my opinion. i also hope to be able to be friends someday with my recent ex, although i am not sure i will ever be able to. *hugs*
Author Gulf-Delta Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 Ugh, I'm just in a tornado. Everytihngs so confusing. One minute I love this girl, the next I don't. I just don't get it. Nothing has improved in since NC...what's the point of it if no improvement is made.
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 Ugh, I'm just in a tornado. Everytihngs so confusing. One minute I love this girl, the next I don't. I just don't get it. Nothing has improved in since NC...what's the point of it if no improvement is made. it's way too early. The wound is still open and needs time and lots of it to heal.
Author Gulf-Delta Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 (edited) it's way too early. The wound is still open and needs time and lots of it to heal. It's been 2 weeks. Shouldn't SOME improvement be happening? Shouldn't the acceptance start to seep in. Shouldn't SOMETHING changed in the way I feel, even a little bit. What's the point of no contact if nothing happens? In fact, I'm actually getting worse. I cry everyday now. I feel worse and worse as each day passes. No contact is having the opposite effect. Not a minute goes by that I don't want her back. I can't do this. I'm weak. I have nothing. Edited May 5, 2012 by Gulf-Delta
NeverDated Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 It's been 2 weeks. Shouldn't SOME improvement be happening? Shouldn't the acceptance start to seep in. Shouldn't SOMETHING changed in the way I feel, even a little bit. What's the point of no contact if nothing happens? In fact, I'm actually getting worse. I cry everyday now. I feel worse and worse as each day passes. No contact is having the opposite effect. I can't do this. I'm weak. I have nothing. This is improvement. You are working through emotions, feelings and memories. Like everything in life, it gets worse before it gets better. You need to expect at least two months of bad. For some people, it lasts longer. But it is normal, and necessary, and the NC lets you get it out of the way efficiently. It would be impossible to really deal with your break-up if you were still in contact with her. 1
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