Iusedtobehappy Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. We have a three month old son. When my boyfriend and I first started dating everything was great he was super sweet to me and made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. As time went on he grew distant and stopped sending me sweet text messages. I found porn in his history and that really hurt my feelings. This was before I even found out I was pregnant. I told him it hurt my feelings and made me feel like a I wasn't good enough for him and at first he was apologetic. Then I would keep finding it in the history. So I finally said something again, at this point I was already pregnant, he gets all defensive and tells me that I'm not his mom so I need to stop worrying about what he does. I wasn't being a butt to him about it I would cry and tell him it broke my heart and that I wished he would stop, but he seems to not care about my feelings anymore. We're still together and he is still doing it behind my back only now we never have sex. I will try and he gets all mad and is like I'm tired or I'm not in the mood. I want to say well you were in the mood earlier with your porn weren't you? But I don't. I just get depressed. I don't know why he is staying with me if I'm not good enough in the bed for him. He used to love it.... He even said porn was better than sex to me before and that killed me. I don't know what to do. When he is confronted he gets defensive and turns it around on me everytime. Help me!
Eddie Edirol Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 You need to back off and leave him to the porn. It can be an addiction to some people, and if he wants to become more addicted, he will, you cant control it. Its obvious he has a problem with your relationship and doesnt want to talk about it. But what you can do is make him wonder why you arent asking him about it, or him anymore. You should fall back, dont worry about talking to him, take care of your son, and see if he comes looking for you. Show him you dont need him, hang with your friends, or make new ones, take up hobbies, hang with your parents more, do anything to stay away from him, so it gives him a break. Once he starts looking for you, make him work for your attention, and then see if he wants to talk like an adult. if he doesnt, and you think you arent going to get what you want out of this relationship, then you might need to break it off, but for good, not to get him to talk. Because he has a problem with you, and it isnt going to change if you threaten to break up with him, and then get back with him, it will only change if he chooses to explain himself. If he fell out of love with you, you will find out soon.
Xxkreebearxx Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 First off don't ever think that you aren't good enough if your doing everything you can and he still isn't giving you the attention you need and continues to watch porn rather than have sex with you theres something wrong with him not you. I say spice things up get a sexy outfit, go get some kinky things at a sex shop, play out his deepesy fantasies try to rekindle your sex life. And if that doesn't work then sweetie he just might be losing intrest.
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Porn itself is not a bad thing, you'd be hard pressed to find a man that doesn't watch it at least once in a great while. In this situation however it seems like he is supplementing his intimacy with porn, he's distancing himself emotionally from you by making his sex life center around porn. The fact that he treated you great in the beginning is something that any guy can or mostly does...I'm not sure why people don't understand there's a person behind that beginning lovey dovey phase and eventually you're going to have to have a real relationship...and If those emotions were more from infatuation then well, the steam can run out rather quickly after that. Bottom line is now he seems to be resenting you, maybe he feels you trapped him with a baby? maybe he feels like you wanting to be with him is the reason you are still even together? therefore he kind of rejects you by indulging in something you don't like and satisfies him as a way of rebelling. You're having some real problems here in the relationship that need to be addressed and you need to approach it from a different angle, maybe even bring someone in to mediate like a counselor or what not. Someone who is going to help you two communicate how you really feel towards each other and what really bothers you without just jumping into another disagreement and hitting a wall. Don't be bullheaded and all emotionally and get on a one-track mind and start just expecting him to change and expecting that he should just magically make you feel love and accepted..In fact a lot of these issues are your own, with or without this guy...you kind of reek of insecurity and vulnerability, and unfortunately that makes this situation a dangerous one because you might be so quick to jump on the "woe is me horse" that you'll desperate wave around your arms in tears like If Jesus or whatever god you may believe in should just come out of the clouds and save you from all your problems and make things "simple" life isn't simple, you need to take responsibility and help yourself...that's how problems get fixed and resolved, not by crying about it all night and feeling so abandoned. Hopefully you can get some outside assistance with this, you really need a mature and knowledgeable person and insight to help you both communicate and express yourselves to each other, so you can get to the real root of the problem instead of trying to slap bandaids on everything or coming up with this fail plan like instant diets that only changes things for a few days or hours.
Stupid Girl Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Well according to your timeline, you must have gotten pregnant immediately after you guys got together. So if you found porn in his history before you knew you were pregnant, that must have been in the very early stages of your relationship. I don't know your situation, why you were having his baby so quickly after getting together, but clearly you didn't know him very well at that time. I vehemently disagree with Eddie - leave him to his addiction, so he can disrespect you and your child further? I guess that would work, if you have no self-respect whatsoever. But I think Ninja is onto something with the resentment/trapping him, just because of the fact that the baby came along before you guys had a chance to assess if you could actually work together as a couple. There's a lot more to a good relationship than sweet text messages. It seems like this guy just isn't that into you. I know it's harder when you have a kid, but you're not doing him/her any favours by staying in a relationship where you get no respect, that's not a healthy enviroonment for a child. 1
Cypress25 Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 All men look at porn. It has nothing to do with their feelings for their wife or girlfriend. Even a man in the best relationship of his life with the woman of his dreams would still look at porn. Everyone fantasizes, porn is just part of the fantasy for men. It doesn't mean you're not good enough for him. Now, if he's being disrespectful to you, that's a problem. But maybe you could stop nagging him about porn and see if the two of you argue less as a result. It's not porn that's making him distance himself from you, it's the nagging and the arguing. And probably the baby, which has no doubt added a lot of stress for both of you.
pteromom Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 He even said porn was better than sex to me before and that killed me. There could be reasons for this. One thing you have to remember is that those reasons likely have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Did you look in his history at the porn he was viewing? If not, maybe you should. Maybe you'll find out he is gay/bi, or there is a specific fetish he gets off on. Or maybe he has some issue where he finds it difficult to be vulnerable and open to have sex with you, so he relies on porn. I would start dressing up nicely and acting confident and cute (even if you don't feel it). Focus on doing things that make YOU happy - go out with friends; do the hobbies you love; etc. Find happiness that doesn't rely on him. Then it is up to him whether he wants to come be happy with you, or sit around jerking off alone. If he chooses the second option, you'll be in a much stronger place to move on. Do NOT rely on him for your happiness. He obviously has an issue, and it's up to him whether to work through it or not.
FitChick Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 I agree with ninjainpajamas that he probably resents you for trapping him by getting pregnant. Perhaps that is the reason he doesn't want to have sex with you -- fear of you getting pregnant again. Can you have your tubes tied?
Cypress25 Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 I agree with ninjainpajamas that he probably resents you for trapping him by getting pregnant. Perhaps that is the reason he doesn't want to have sex with you -- fear of you getting pregnant again. Can you have your tubes tied? Isn't she equally trapped? My understanding is that this was an unplanned pregnancy, in which case, they both had to sacrifice their plans to accommodate this kid. It takes two people to make a baby. Getting pregnant isn't something she did to him. It's something that happened to them. Both of them. If your contraception fails and abortion is against your beliefs, you're kinda stuck with that baby. Unless she deliberately oopsed him, but I didn't get the impression that was the case. It just annoys me the way people automatically blame the woman when there's an unplanned pregnancy. She didn't get pregnant by herself. 2
Yookie Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 Most likely he is still in the relationship only because of the baby. He's using porn as his outlet because he really doesn't want to deal with her.
stitch702 Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 Have you tried watching porn with him...just a thought...that can be a turn on to most guys. Also, how have you hinted to him that you want to "do it." Do you two lie in bed and you turn to him and say gee let's have sex or are you flirtatious about it. What have you done to "spice" up your sex life? If he says he's not in the mood, then just go up to him tear his pants down and go to town...give him the best head he's ever had then **** the **** out of him...If you want it...go and get it... As far as the porn thing...all guys watch porn...it's one thing about being a guy. Don't be jealous about it...in the end he comes home to you...
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