twicebroken Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I am in a serious live in relationship, but not married. About 12 months ago we started having multiple issues. The space and barriers between us grew, I no longer felt desired or wanted in my own home. I play an online video game in which I have played with the same people for 3-5 years. Of these people, on one drunken computer evening, I let out my frustrations and found that one of them was going through a similar situation as I. We started using each other as a support system, a grew to know one another very well. I came to a point that when I got home from work, all I wanted was to get online to see if she was there. As our relationship grew, we started having more in depth conversations, some of which started to cross the line. I tried ending it when these conversations came out, but miserably failed as I fell right back into the normal routine. I feel so horrible, I have been on the receiving end of an affair, and know very well the heart break and pain that it causes. This is not something that I want to put her or her son through. I wish I would have only been upfront about my feelings to her in the beginning instead of searching for solitude through different avenues. Now I have to make the choice, although it sounds easy I have spent many nights crying trying to decide. On one portion of my life I have a beautiful home, comfortable lifestyle, someone that would do anything for me to make my life easier and better, yet does not make me feel wanted or desired (have not had sex in about a year). The other side of this coin I have someone who does make me feel wanted, is willing to move across the country to be with me, yet I have never actually met in real life, and lastly would have to give up my life as I know it and start over to make it happen. I feel like such a failure to myself, everyone around me, and mostly God. I should never be in this situation. I am going to hurt someone, the one I wish not to hurt more is my current girlfriend. Yet, there are some other factors that if I hurt the other my current one will most likely become aware of what I have done. As her son plays this same online game, so I fear it will become public knowledge. I just do not know what to do.
alexandria35 Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Okay I'm in cynical bitch mode today and I'm on a roll so hear me out...LOL. First of all I would have grave concerns about someone who has never even met me, telling me they are willing to pack up and move just to be with me. That smacks of desperation, not love. Secondly if I read your post correctly, your online gf also has a significant other that she is not happy with right? So instead of you dealing with your situation and her dealing with her situation, you both cry "woe is me" to each other on the computer. You're both using each other for fantasy and escape. You are making this a competition between these two women when really you should be basing your choice on your current relationship and if you believe in it or not. Ending a relationship should never be based on having someone who you believe is better, waiting on you in the background. Yuck! Nope, you should never leave a longterm marriage or relationship for another person, thats just setting up your next relationship for failure. My advice would be that you stop talking to the other woman and start talking to your SO. Let her know that you are not happy, that going a year without sex is not acceptable to you and that you either want to address the issues or end the relationship. If the two of you decide to work on the relationship then the online crap has to completely stop, otherwise you are not truly working on the relationship and your keeping the online one as your back up plan. I don't know why so many people think dragging out the ending of a relationship is somehow kinder and less painful for the person being left. Nobody wants to be hurt, nobody wants to be left, but nobody wants to be toyed with for months on end either. If you can't picture your current relationship working out then be mature and end it. Stop boo hooing about being a failure and feeling horrible and take charge of your life and your actions. 4
pteromom Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I just do not know what to do. You need to quit the online game and quit talking to the other girl, and put your energy into fixing your current relationship. If your current relationship is fixable, great. If not, you'll have the opportunity to end it before doing something stupid. It's really not a hard choice, if you base your choice on personal integrity and doing what is right instead of EMOTION. As far as this other woman, everything you know about her is FANTASY. It is very easy when chatting, texting, talking on the phone, to be exactly what you want. But in reality, she has her own issues - and you don't even know if you'd be attracted to her in real life, much less compatible. It IS as easy as it sounds. Swallow the tears and just do what's right. 1
jphcbpa Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 This is not about choosing one woman or the other, this needs to be about choosing you, your future irregardless of either relationship.
SoMovinOn Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 I just do not know what to do. Actually, it sounds to me like you know exactly what to do. Right?
findingnemo Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 You know what to do but not how to do it in such a way that it will all be exposed, right? Pull back from the game. Reduce the number of times you're online. Change the time of your conversations until she asks you what's up. Then tell her that you have some issues that need to resolved and they are taking up your time. After that, quit the game...for good. STAY AWAY from the computer. Meanwhile talk to your SO. Tell her that not having sex for one year is not sustainable. Ask her what she wants in the R and move forward accordingly. In my view, you are not having an A. You're in fantasy land and are probably hooking up with an unstable person. You just don't know who she really is, do you? And if she is in a R, then it's unlikely she will try to cause you problems.
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