TurningTables Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Hi everybody. For those who dont know my story, I had a EA almost PA with my best friend of +20 years. xMM lied to everyone after he was found out, and turned it all on me.Thankfully, I was already on my way out and got out before it got worse. Ive been in strict NC for months now. Anyways, I wanted to ask everyone's thoughts about something that I am recently experiencing. My whole family knows about the EA. Even though its been almost a year ( end of this month) of the end of the A and Dday, I find that my family doubts my actions..to what I wear, what I do, what I say and even down to my wanting to change my hair. I am not sure if they think my actions due to going back to the A or not. Did anyone experience this? I take full responsibility for what I did. Everyone in my family knows this and knows how remoresful I am. However, I am *still* questioned at every action/statement that I make. Its hard not to get defensive, but are they not the main ones who were supposed to have my back? Any suggestions? Thanks
Emme Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Uh oh... So if you get a new outfit, hairdo, act "happy" it's because you've returned to the affair. What might help is talk aloud what you are doing and why. Something like I worked a hard all week I'm going to treat myself to ... Whatever the item or act is. Your family cares and they really know how much this affair hurt you. They are being overprotective like you're a teenager but it's also love. Talk to them about it and tell them even though it bugs you you do appreciate it.
TigerCub Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I never had that reaction from family. I never lied about what was going on. My A was more EA than PA, and it started when he was separated (as far as I knew) - so it wasn't an A to begin with. My family always knew the truth and told me to get out with sugar coating - but they also saw my conflict and so its not like they have this image of me as someone that went out and tried to destroy something. They saw how hard and painful the experience was, they know I wouldn't do it again, and so, they don't question me. It must be frustrating for you - you need to sit them down and explain that its done, you want to move on and that's it. In your experience, was there a lot of covering up before your family knew?
Author TurningTables Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 Could you clear something up.......when you say family, who specifically are you talking about? Your spouse? Your parents, your kids? LG, Its mainly my mom. She questions everything I do..right down to my hair and attributes everything to the EA. I never hid our friendship. My mom even saw us together one day, and he even walked us out to the car to make sure we got there ok. Im really trying to move forward and put it all behind me, but it seems like she thinks everything I do is because of xMM. Like: I was thinking of a change of color ( Ive never done it before to my hair) and shes like: why? why? why? why?!!!! and making accusations that are just nutty. The rest of my family ( bros and sis) some have not asked, some have run their mouths to each other and I am not on speaking terms with my sister for that and other reasons. Its sad.
Author TurningTables Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 I never had that reaction from family. I never lied about what was going on. My A was more EA than PA, and it started when he was separated (as far as I knew) - so it wasn't an A to begin with. My family always knew the truth and told me to get out with sugar coating - but they also saw my conflict and so its not like they have this image of me as someone that went out and tried to destroy something. They saw how hard and painful the experience was, they know I wouldn't do it again, and so, they don't question me. It must be frustrating for you - you need to sit them down and explain that its done, you want to move on and that's it. In your experience, was there a lot of covering up before your family knew? TC, We never hid our friendship. We never were in a dark bar or hid in a corner. Even my xH knew that I was close friends with xMM, however, I didnt shout it from the rooftops. Most of my immediate family had their own lives to deal with. I think they were most disappointed in me because he was still with his W after they found out the R was alot more serious than just friendship.
TigerCub Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 TC, We never hid our friendship. We never were in a dark bar or hid in a corner. Even my xH knew that I was close friends with xMM, however, I didnt shout it from the rooftops. Most of my immediate family had their own lives to deal with. I think they were most disappointed in me because he was still with his W after they found out the R was alot more serious than just friendship. Yeah, that was exactly my question - they didn't know it was an affair (understandably, because you were married). that's why the question things now. It should pass in time.
woinlove Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 TT, sorry to hear that you aren't getting the support you want and need from your family. I think as another said, it will pass with time. You have had a bumpy ride, as most do, in ending the A and it wasn't so long ago you had contact with him and his W. I don't know how much your family knows about that (his W being pregnant and everything) but that must have affected you a lot and your family can see that. Likely they just want you to be better and know you can do it, and worry about the way you have behaved with respect to MM, his family and yourself. It sounds like you are getting on firmer footing, putting more distance between you and all of this, and as you progress along that path, I expect your family will feel more confident that it is behind you and will react more positively then. 1
Summer Breeze Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Everyone close to me met him and knew he was M. He never skirted questions and I never wallowed in the A. When we were together we were together. When we weren't I dated and lived my life with my family and friends. I also walked away at every dday and never would have made contact with him to start things and I ended it when I started feeling I wanted more and knew it wasn't going to change. No one really saw a big difference in me going into the A, during, or even after. I can completely understand what you're saying though and can see how it would put loved ones on edge about things.
whichwayisup Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 LG, Its mainly my mom. She questions everything I do..right down to my hair and attributes everything to the EA. I never hid our friendship. My mom even saw us together one day, and he even walked us out to the car to make sure we got there ok. Im really trying to move forward and put it all behind me, but it seems like she thinks everything I do is because of xMM. Like: I was thinking of a change of color ( Ive never done it before to my hair) and shes like: why? why? why? why?!!!! and making accusations that are just nutty. The rest of my family ( bros and sis) some have not asked, some have run their mouths to each other and I am not on speaking terms with my sister for that and other reasons. Its sad. Your mom needs to get over it and keep her mouth shut. Sorry to be blunt about that. It's time for you to talk to her and tell her that you are over it all and its time for her to be as well, that you are going on with your life and the A/EA is DONE, over and never going to start up again so she needs to forget about it too. As for your other siblings, they hopefully will come around in time. They need to get over it too.. but if there are other reasons why you're not close with them, maybe that needs to be fixed so getting along in the future will happen. 1
findingnemo Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 I can understand what your mom is doing. She sees you aren't dating anyone and wonders if you may slide back into the unhealthy R. She is trying to stop you from doing that but obviously is going about it the wrong way. Your siblings have a right to an opinion and discussing you amongst themselves isn't gossip. It's concern. They probably wonder how the heck their nice sister ended up having an A and are worried you are on the path to destruction. Is it annoying for you? Yes and it should be but I think the more important thing is for you to move on. Once you start dating, then they won't really worry about it anymore. Also keep being open about your love life. If someone crosses the line, tell them to shut up and sort out their own lives. Have some boundaries but understand that their fears are justified.
Owl Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 TT...what was the "outcome" of your involvement with xMM? I'm sorry I don't recall your story... Were you married? Was your family/husband/boyfriend/children impacted by your affair? Was your family close to xMM, and/or his wife? See what I'm thinking might be the issue here? They may be taking the impacts of your affair and keeping those in mind...rather than focusing on what the whole thing did to YOU. Not calling anyone right or wrong here...just trying to think why they might react the way that they are. If they were close to your H/BF/kids that were hurt, they may feel some 'hurt' by proxy. Same if they were close to xMM's family. Just guessing, feel free to correct me if I'm way off track. No offense intended at all.
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