Dont_know Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 (edited) This is the "Second Chances" forum so I kinda assume this is where this should go. My situation is a little bit complicated so I'll try to explain it as briefly as I can. I was in an emotionally controlling relationship with a woman, whom I married, because I feared her. It wasn't a 'real' marriage, no love, no ring, no ceremony; just a court appointment and a legal document. I did it so she could have my health insurance, and I hoped that in the future I would grow to love her as strongly as she did me. This never happened. It took me a long time to realize how much control she had over me, and every time I thought I was able to be in control, I proved to myself that I was not. I do take responsibility for it, and most of my hell has been because of 1) my guilt and shame 2) my fears of her and 3) my inability to act. Basically the choices I made and also didn't make all contributed to the hell I brought upon myself. I told her years ago how I really felt, and I tried to stand up, divorce her, and break it off, but she would guilt me, and she had health problems and... well there is no excuse. It ended up going on for years with one excuse after another on my part. My friends told me time and time again to end it and just go, even if I had to be an *******. I started this process of growing strong enough to do this, and after our marriage counseling failed, our counselor actually became my personal therapist and has been guiding me with his intimate knowledge of my situation. Through this I improved and I met someone else while I was still with my partner. I told my partner of this, I was honest and started moving forward to break it off, but again she would block me. She started sending harassing things to the girl I loved and this went on for months. My new girl, along with my friends, told me to just cut it off; move out, end it, break it off and be a man. My partner tried to commit suicide to keep me when I would try to move out, and in the end separating was very difficult, but it eventually happened. The problem is what happened right before the separation. My new girl and I were waiting to be together and take it slow but she wanted to know that I was in control of my relationship with my partner, and that I wasn't still trying to be with her, including still being intimate with her. I have not been attracted to my partner for years and often times would try to reject her, but many times I would give in because she would shame and guilt me and she knew she could control me. An example is I slept with her during her suicidal period because she was so broken and even though I would try to reject her, I would feel guilty and sorry for her and she would win. At the end of the relationship we went through some serious emotional hell, and right before she left we had sex. Twice. She was pulling things on me like: "I just need this to be ok and move on", "I'm giving you what you want, you're going to be happy and I'm not", "I know this isn't love, it's just sex, it'll be quick, I don't expect this to give me false hope", "I can touch you if I want to, you know you like it", "Just give me this and I will leave you alone for good". I'm not using these as excuses, I'm just trying to paint out the scenario. She didn't rape me, I obviously consented to it and have to take responsibility. I felt like she would never leave me alone so I placated her. This was obviously a mistake, as after that she was still emotionally broken and did not leave me alone anyway. After we separated, after a night or so, I went to my therapy session and I went to dinner with my new girl. I had turned off my phone during the dinner because I knew that my ex-partner would try and bother me and I didn't want to be bothered. Since I never usually do this, my ex-partner when trying to call me assumed I was out with my new girl and got extremely upset. She then sent us both harassing emails and in it she detailed that she had sex with me right before. My new girl was devastated. I promised her I was in control, and even though we are separated now, she is not sure she can trust me. I thought I had lost her but she told me her heart still wants me and wants to make this work, but I have to earn her trust. She is afraid that staying in contact with my ex will cause me to be controlled by her again, but I can't completely cut her off since we are still married and the divorce will take a while. There are a lot of things still needing to be discussed and split apart and in the meantime I'm still responsible for those things. I realized that this hell is my own. Everyone saw what I was doing and knew I was making the wrong choices. I stayed when I shouldn't have. I gave in when I shouldn't have. I had sex with her when I shouldn't have. And when I wasn't ****ing things up I was doing nothing about it, which prolonged it. The fallout from these choices and non-choices is what I am dealing with and I made a decision, not just for my new girl, but for myself, to examine what is wrong with me and take a serious attempt to become stronger. I sent my ex an email stating that I no longer want to talk about emotional or personal things with her, only civil talk about business, and that I would ignore her otherwise. I see my therapist every two weeks, but in the middle of that I have set up seeing a psychiatrist as well so I can explore medications that will keep my fears and anxieties under control so I can make sane, focused decisions. I promised my new girl that I will be the strong one she needs me to be, because she was so strong and patient with me while she waited for months and months for me to separate and break things off. And right when it was about to be over, I betrayed her patience because of my weak actions. My post here is to ask what people try to do when they make up for cheating, and more importantly, how to build trust with someone who feels they cannot trust your actions. If you would like to chime in on how I can be a stronger person, I would also accept that advice, because obviously I need it, though the main purpose of this thread is for how to build trust with someone whose trust you have lost. I am trying to take responsibility for my actions, and I find that my actions are due to my poor ability to be strong, sane, and make the right decisions by instead giving into my anxieties and fears. While I am trying to become stronger for myself, I also want to prove that I can commit to my words with my actions, and prove that I can be dependable and trustworthy instead of wishy-washy. Edited May 4, 2012 by Dont_know
darkmoon Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 tell your wife to quit the antics - it takes a sew seconds, i pity your girlfriend in all this while your wife manipulates you - or is it that you like the drama? if not, tell your wife to quit the antics and/or ignore them in future
emilywtf Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 Try not to accept responsibility for your wifes actions. You cannot control what she does, why or how. Try to stop feeling guilty. There is nothing wrong with ending a relationship because you fall out of love with someone- it still hurts, but you cannot stay with her and make your life miserable just because you are afraid to hurt her or feeling guilty. I suggest a different counselor. As a counselor myself I am unimpressed that your marriage counselor took you on privately after what happened with your wife. In the Therapy/Psychology community that is frowned upon and very unprofessional. In the end you make your life what it is. She is continuing to control youwith her actions. You can keep letting her, or you can make up your mind and let her actions be HER ACTIONS.
Author Dont_know Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 So your mistress is upset because you had sex . . . . with your wife? Tell your girlfriend to come over to the "Infidelity" and "Other Woman" sections of this forum so we can school her on MM who string along their single OW. I'm not going to make excuses for myself but I am trying to be stronger so I will defend myself. I know technically I am the MM and she is the OW, but I was not stringing her along. I told her my situation up front, and I meant it when I explained my intentions to separate with my wife. I also told my wife that I met someone and intended to break up and move on. I thought by being honest I was doing the right thing, but of course my actions speak louder than my words and my actions betrayed me by saying otherwise.
Author Dont_know Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 tell your wife to quit the antics - it takes a sew seconds, i pity your girlfriend in all this while your wife manipulates you - or is it that you like the drama? if not, tell your wife to quit the antics and/or ignore them in future I hate the drama but again, my actions speak otherwise. I continued to let it take over me and control me, thereby allowing the drama to continue on and on until it snowballed. Maybe internally I am a masochist for drama. Either way this is something I am trying to fix. I can't keep doing this and I'm the only one who can do anything about it. I am taking the steps. And yes... I feel so terrible that my gf has had to deal with this while my wife manipulated me. She saw her therapist yesterday and believes we can still move past this. I believe it as well and the ball is in my court to make it work.
Author Dont_know Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 Try not to accept responsibility for your wifes actions. You cannot control what she does, why or how. Try to stop feeling guilty. There is nothing wrong with ending a relationship because you fall out of love with someone- it still hurts, but you cannot stay with her and make your life miserable just because you are afraid to hurt her or feeling guilty. I suggest a different counselor. As a counselor myself I am unimpressed that your marriage counselor took you on privately after what happened with your wife. In the Therapy/Psychology community that is frowned upon and very unprofessional. In the end you make your life what it is. She is continuing to control youwith her actions. You can keep letting her, or you can make up your mind and let her actions be HER ACTIONS. I realize I can't control what she does... It's just so hard because she seems to thrive on drama and no matter what happens or who is in her life, she wants me to be at the center of it. I'm always the first one she tells about anything, as if I'm a professional who can help her. I'm not. I have my own demons to deal with. I can't express the guilt I constantly felt while being with her... I always felt bad and felt responsible for her well-being. Now I feel guilty and shameful because of what I did, which just compounds it. I don't have any excuses, I still could have chose differently and I didn't. My ex continues to harass my gf and I, she got ahold of my gf's phone number and when she has her upset fits she calls constantly as a private number, never leaving a message. My gf doesnt answer and just waits to see if she will leave a msg. I started on medication to keep my anxiety and depression down this week and I will be seeing my therapist tonight. My gf is also on meds already and sees her therapist regularly. I'm hoping this helps me similar to how it helps her, though I realize my problems cannot be solved by meds alone. It saddens me to hear you say that my therapist is unprofessional... I never thought that in doing that, he was? I kind of thought it was nice since when I talk to him about my relationship with my ex, he knows that I'm not making things up; that he had also talked with her for sessions and that I'm not just crazy. It's not about him judging her and taking my side, more that he can understand more of what i was dealing with without me having to explain every detail. I fear seeing someone else because I feel like I would have to start all over explaining everything that had happened over the years. I find peace in my sessions that I have now, so I would be curious to know what is wrong with that?
Author Dont_know Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 Thank you for all the responses btw, I really appreciate it
emilywtf Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Sorry it took so long to reply, I don't get on every day. When you take on couples, you are counseling them together. If they stop therapy, you no longer have a objective viewpoint since you know both people. Not every counselor feels that way, but many do. My psychiatrist will not counsel my husband and I, either together or separate, because it would color his perception when attempting to help, offer advice, etc. Like it or not, counselors are people and people have opinions, feelings, responses. However, in the end, it comes down to you. If you feel comfortable with this person and feel their assistance actually helps, then do what you feel comfortable with.
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