NeverDated Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I am looking for some insight, as I'm not the dumper or the dumpee, but the "new" [1 year] girlfriend. Sorry if this is long, and apologies if it causes any bad memories to pop up for anyone. I'm just a bit confused on how to handle the situation. At first (18 months ago), he tried to maintain a friendship for her sake. She would call him crying or asking questions about men or to "bargain". After a series of events a few months ago, her emotional issues were beginning to run our relationship/lives. Like keeping things secret from his friends, just to be sure she didn't find out because it would hurt her. The few times she did find things out, she would call him up in tears demanding to know why I was "better" than her that he would do this or that with me, but not her. His solution was to just not tell anyone anything, which was a big red flag of unhealthy to me. I said if she wasn't capable of maintaining just friends, maybe it was best for everyone involved if he distanced himself. Not to mention the disrespect I felt as his girlfriend, having to censor my life to protect the feelings of his ex. He agreed with me that it wasn't healthy for anyone, called her up, explained the situation and said they wouldn't be speaking on a regular basis anymore. She was understandably upset, but respected the NC for 3 months. A few weeks ago she contacted me, stating that she wants to be part of our lives and form a friendship. I eventually went blunt and explained the reasoning for keeping distance. Wished her well. Haven't heard from her since, but several mutual friends have joined the fray, going after boyfriend. He's ignoring them. I just know she won't stay radio silent for very long. It also doesn't help that boyfriend's extended family is trying to stay civil with her. She'll contact them and they don't have the heart to not speak to her (even though they don't want to), so it kind of keeps her in the situation. I really think she has this hope that she can win him back if she waits long enough. I've only met her once, when she/boyfriend were still attempting the "friends" thing, because he hoped it would get her to detach, but it made it worse. She started internet stalking me - he would hear from mutual friends how she was obsessively searching online for me and calling them crying when she found something new. I know she's only doing this because she's not over him and is in a very bad place emotionally. I do worry that maybe NC isn't the best. She's not a very stable person and has a history of threatened/attempted suicide, and has recently lost a lot of people in her life (through death or their inability to deal with her obsession over him). I really try to empathize with her, but just am at a total loss of how to proceed the next time this starts up. So, after all that, what do you think? Is NC the best solution here? Is there some other option that could maybe keep her slightly involved so she doesn't feel entirely abandoned but begins to understand the relationship is gone for good?
jennisfora Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 sounds like she may need some counseling. do you want to try and be a friend to her? i am not sure what you can do. she sounds like she needs help. maybe find a mutual friend and try to get them to get her to seek out help? if your bf made it clear, and it sounds like he has, that it is over, and she is still like this, NC is the only thing left, and possibly a restraining order? i don't know, that's a tough one. *shrugs* stay safe, no matter what, when people are emotionally unhinged it is hard to say what they may be capable of.
Author NeverDated Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 I actually have zero interest in being actual friends with her. I suppose if she could respect boundaries that are in place, I wouldn't have a problem with her being an acquaintance or casual friend that we (as a couple) interacted with from time to time. She supposedly does see a therapist. She had a lot of emotional issues to begin with. I think one of the reasons that she is so obsessed with him is that he is a very caring, empathetic person, and believes in fixing relationships rather than leaving them. So for 18-24 months of their on/off 3 years together, he was trying to help her "fix" her problems. Her family isn't very supportive, but certain members of his were very welcoming and she clung to that (still does). So the breakup was a really big deal to her - frankly, I'm surprised she hasn't harmed herself yet.
jennisfora Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 that's really sad. i only hope therapy is working. if you are okay with being casual friends with the both of you there, that is a very nice gesture, but, i don't know if that will help her. her seeing your bf is not going to help her heal. but pushing her away might make things worse too. if she has to see him, seeing the two of you together would be best, maybe seeing him happy with you might make her realize it is over for good. but it might not. i don't know how to help because it really sounds like medication or professional help is really what is needed here, and if her family isn't there for her, any close friend would be the next one to help. it is really sad that she doesn't have much support, which is probably part of why she is the way she is. he was probably her everything, which is never healthy. *hugs*
Author NeverDated Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 Thanks for the input. It's really a terrible catch-22. He's asked mutual friends to try to encourage her to speak more openly with her therapist about it, but they report she's resistant. They've said they try to take her out and get her back into the swing of things, but she never sticks with it. She'll find a new guy, date him for a few weeks, then implode it (probably because the new guy is not exactly the same as boyfriend). After that, she falls right back into the OCD cycle. And, unfortunately, that OCD cycle is what drove many of her closest friends away. I get the impression that aside from a few distant friends they still have in common, she has no one left near her for support. So, physically, she's more or less alone. And you're so right on him being her everything - she built her entire life around him and had all these plans for where things were going without any indication of it from him. I really wish I could turn off the empathy. I don't wish her any harm, and really hate the fact that every time she reaches out we have to push her away. The whole thing is just sad. =(
favoritepills Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 Oh, man. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. I had a friend in college who was exactly like her, and I was friends with her ex too. The whole post-breakup situation was a total nightmare. She tried to stay friends with his family and get them on her side, she had breakup sex with him (he was kind of a jerk for letting her, though), she stalked him and his new girlfriend. I've had mentally unstable friends, and I've tried to help them through rough patches, but here's the thing: they get unhealthily dependent, and knowingly or unknowingly drag you into their downward spiral. I've been told by more than one of these friends, "If you don't tell me [thing I want to hear], I'm going to kill myself." It's a hugely stressful situation, and I feel for your boyfriend, but these experiences taught me that the way to approach this is to firmly tell them that your opinion shouldn't decide their life or death. It's a decision only they can make, and they either have to find the strength to pull through and believe in themselves, or seek professional help. You and your boyfriend shouldn't allow her to guilt-trip you -- it's just a way for her to exert some control over your relationship. He has to set a firm boundary with her, be clear that there is no chance for her to get back together with him, and ask that she respect his wish for some distance. She can't take time to work on improving herself if she is still focused on him, and if your boyfriend took himself out of the picture that would make her road to self-improvement a lot clearer. If she's anything like my friend, I wouldn't recommend trying to befriend her until at least a year has passed. And if you don't want to be friends with her anyway, you certainly don't have to. In my opinion, NC is the best approach.
Author NeverDated Posted May 12, 2012 Author Posted May 12, 2012 Thanks for the response, favoritepills. What you said makes a lot of sense, so we'll stick to NC. As of late, she's been contacting his family in full force. None of them have the heart to tell her to stop, because they are all worried she's suicidal. I've also been hearing derogatory things about boyfriend from one family member ("she told me did x, y, z"). She's already done this with mutual friends, and it's all becoming so hyper-dramatic I kind of want to go toe-to-toe with her, just to get it to stop. I'm trying to let it go, but others like to bring it up, because of how OCD she is about contacting them.
Recommended Posts