Ways to approach men (when it rains it pours)

[RedRobin]

I agree that the shot-in-the-dark approach isn't such a hot idea, unless of course you're in a bar where you and everyone else in there is drunk to some extent... in that case, nobody is likely to care very much.

 

IME it helps to hang out with people who enjoy the same things as you. That's why meetup dot com was invented, DUH...

 

I agree that having similar activities is a nice start.

 

I used to participate in Meetups more, but they seemed to be an extension of OLD... more or less the same pool. There needs to be a price of admission and social filter now in order for me to be interested.... and I'm not talking about $$. I'm talking about personality and character.

 

I'm focusing more of my efforts on getting involved in political and volunteer activities in bigger cities outside of where I currently live. Part of my issues are definitely location related.

[Pierre]

I agree that having similar activities is a nice start.

 

I used to participate in Meetups more, but they seemed to be an extension of OLD... more or less the same pool. There needs to be a price of admission and social filter now in order for me to be interested.... and I'm not talking about $$. I'm talking about personality and character.

 

I'm focusing more of my efforts on getting involved in political and volunteer activities in bigger cities outside of where I currently live. Part of my issues are definitely location related.

 

Red RobiN

 

It seems you are having trouble finding a BF. There is a guy in this board named Ross that is having trouble finding a woman. Why don't you make yourself available to Ross?

[RedRobin]

UPDATE:

 

Scenario #1: Host responded back to my post on Facebook. That's a good sign. I'm in the 'club'... will look into more opportunities with that organization. Definitely liked what I saw when I was there. (not talking about looks here folks, I'm talking about class and behavior).

 

Scenario #2: Saw one of my buddies at Starbucks today. He is the friend of cute guy. I volunteered to help plan the going away party. If I see his cute friend, that's great. If not, that's fine too. This seems like a pretty tight bunch, so I'm pretty sure I'll come across cute guy again. I'm not worried about the time gap. If it is meant to be it will happen. If not, it won't.

 

Scenario #3: Saw my other friend today too. I know, weird huh? I suggested we have a game night at her house and invite her friend who is interested in me. I can observe his drinking habits, sense of humor, and other things without committing to a 'date'. Right now, I really don't want the pressure of a 'date' with a total stranger. TBH, I don't even remember the guy from the original party. It bugs me a little that they guy was all interested in me without even talking to me. Hmmmm....

[RedRobin]

Red RobiN

 

It seems you are having trouble finding a BF. There is a guy in this board named Ross that is having trouble finding a woman. Why don't you make yourself available to Ross?

 

You are so sweet, Pierre. Playing match-maker.

 

My troubles are completely self-inflicted.

 

I've had many offers for BF's.

 

Ross does seem like a nice guy. He's in the UK though. Nothing against dear Ross, but I'm not a fan of long-distance relationships.

 

On the other hand, I LOVE Europe. Have been there many times. I even applied for work there not long ago... so moving is not out of the question.

 

I dunno. I have a hard time understanding how a real relationship could develop remotely. I'm happy to help him on LS. However, nothing beats proximity. I know you'd agree with me on that one.

 

Oh, and I take it as a compliment that you would recommend me to Ross. That is my impression at least. Thank you very much.

[RedRobin]

I don't think you're either of those things. I just think you have to decide how proactive you want to be in your dating life, based on the guys you most want to attract. It seems like your normal style wasn't working for you, so you're experimenting. Perhaps it'll just be a few tweaks.

 

 

 

Oh, well. Look for him at the party. Life is often serendipitous about these things, IME, so you may get another chance sooner anyway. Next time I suggest, offering your name and giving some kind of in -- preferably not with a discussion in front of other people, as EH says. At any rate, all these little encounters seem like good signs to me. Usually flirtatious energy like this snowballs if you let it, and you may get more opportunities, etc.

 

My level of proactivity varies based on how much else I've got going on in my life. I've purposely pushed some of my over the top activities off my plate and constant juggling so that I have more time to socialize strictly for dating purposes.

 

I also think I just haven't gotten used to the current dating climate and dating styles. I've also learned the hard way about whom to open up to.

 

I talk about this 'wounded gazelle' concept alot. This idea that when a woman is vulnerable emotionally, that certain men (not good ones) are almost subconsciously invited to swoop in. I'm very aware of this dynamic... so striking the balance between being approachable and yet maintaining certain boundaries has been a tough one for me.

 

I tend to swing between being flirty or overly flirty... and hard-nosed business woman and crazy adventure chick.

 

Balance, balance, balance

[Heart Of A Lion]

I talk about this 'wounded gazelle' concept alot. This idea that when a woman is vulnerable emotionally, that certain men (not good ones) are almost subconsciously invited to swoop in. I'm very aware of this dynamic... so striking the balance between being approachable and yet maintaining certain boundaries has been a tough one for me.

 

I can only think of a few reasons why men would do that, but they're not all bad ones:

 

1. A player who smells vulnerability in a woman and wants to take advantage of that in order to sleep with her.

2. A guy that sees a woman in a weak moment of hers and wants to use it to hit on her, but with the intention of a relationship.

3. It's possible that a "wounded gazelle" triggers something in men that wants to protect them.

4. It's possible that a "wounded gazelle" disarms men so that they let their guard down and feel

more comfortable approaching a woman.

5. It's possible that a "wounded gazelle" shows that she is capable of emotionally connecting and that that is something a guy might be looking for.

 

The latter three reasons don't come from bad intentions I think.

 

Personally I wouldn't ever want to take advantage of a "wounded" woman and use her momentary emotional "weakness" to hit on her, but I must admit that if I notice a woman is capable of emotionally connecting, then that does draw my attention, because I value an emotional connection in a relationship. However, a woman doesn't have to be "wounded" in order to show that.

 

The other four reasons would probably never apply to me in the context of hitting on a woman. Out of (male) instinct I do feel protective feelings towards people who are hurting, but not in a romantic context. And it's probably not very hard to disarm me when a woman is simply being kind.

[RedRobin]

I can only think of a few reasons why men would do that, but they're not all bad ones:

 

1. A player who smells vulnerability in a woman and wants to take advantage of that in order to sleep with her.

2. A guy that sees a woman in a weak moment of hers and wants to use it to hit on her, but with the intention of a relationship.

3. It's possible that a "wounded gazelle" triggers something in men that wants to protect them.

4. It's possible that a "wounded gazelle" disarms men so that they let their guard down and feel

more comfortable approaching a woman.

5. It's possible that a "wounded gazelle" shows that she is capable of emotionally connecting and that that is something a guy might be looking for.

 

The latter three reasons don't come from bad intentions I think.

 

Personally I wouldn't ever want to take advantage of a "wounded" woman and use her momentary emotional "weakness" to hit on her, but I must admit that if I notice a woman is capable of emotionally connecting, then that does draw my attention, because I value an emotional connection in a relationship. However, a woman doesn't have to be "wounded" in order to show that.

 

The other four reasons would probably never apply to me in the context of hitting on a woman. Out of (male) instinct I do feel protective feelings towards people who are hurting, but not in a romantic context. And it's probably not very hard to disarm me when a woman is simply being kind.

 

Thanks for your insights... I wish I could feel there were more positive intentions most of the time.

 

There is this weird dynamic I've noticed during periods where I've had a life crisis. Men would cold approach like crazy. Even in some dramatic ways. Really took me off guard. Part of it is because of my concerns about being able to judge their intentions when I'm emotionally vulnerable. I don't trust my people picker during those periods and so I shush them away.

 

In times when I am happy and settled, I get approached much less often...hence the need to do more approaching myself.

 

Overall, I AM happy with the interactions I've had recently. We'll see how it goes. I'm not a love at first sight person either.

 

A couple of men I know seem to be. You seem to be that type. Very taken by looks and first impressions. Please don't think I'm criticizing. I'm not. I'm curious.

 

Some of the men who swooped in on me probably had that reaction to me, and I just don't get it. I've never felt disarmed by a man romantically based on first impressions. That is probably another reason why I don't trust it when it comes from the guy.

[Heart Of A Lion]

A couple of men I know seem to be. You seem to be that type. Very taken by looks and first impressions. Please don't think I'm criticizing. I'm not. I'm curious.

 

Actually, I didn't believe in love at first sight, because I've never started crushing at first sight, with one exception. I've only been swept off my feet by a woman at first sight once in my life, but that was because she looked like an actress that I like.

 

Other than that exception, I'm actually someone that really needs to get to know a woman before I'm able to start crushing on her. I need to know her mind a bit and the quality of her values before I can develop a crush. And I need to know if she's genuinely kind and honest and isn't putting up some act, her words need to match her actions/behavior. I also need to know if she isn't sleeping with other men while we're establishing a connection, so that she doesn't damage or destroy that connection when it's being built.

I'm looking for a quality woman and looks or first impressions do not show if a woman is long term relationship material.

 

I'm not at all a guy that goes by first impressions, on the contrary, like I said, I have to get to know a woman before I can develop a crush.

 

Just looks don't do it for me. It has to be accompanied by personality, intelligence, kindness, integrity and an emotional connection or bond.

 

Looks can draw me to a woman initially, I then want to know more about her, but they don't seal the deal. Personality and an emotional connection do. An intelligent woman would also probably keep me interested over time as both our looks fade over time due to old age.

 

And I'm very much aware that personality can grow a woman's beauty in my eyes. So even if I'm not physically attracted to a woman initially, that might change as I get to know her personality as her beauty then grows in my eyes.

 

One thing I actually don't like about OLD, is that it actually is very much about first impressions. I've never done OLD, however I have considered it and looked around on some websites, but that's it.

Edited May 5, 2012 by Heart Of A Lion

[zengirl]

My level of proactivity varies based on how much else I've got going on in my life. I've purposely pushed some of my over the top activities off my plate and constant juggling so that I have more time to socialize strictly for dating purposes.

 

Good idea. I don't think a gal should make dating her whole life, but I do think if you want love & dating & a real R, you need to make room for it first. Not doing so is a mistake that many make.

 

I also think I just haven't gotten used to the current dating climate and dating styles. I've also learned the hard way about whom to open up to.

 

As to the latter, we all do, at least to some extent. I find that dating styles differ wildly between different people and types of people, which was why I asked you earlier in the thread (I didn't see if you answered) what type of man you want to attract. How aggressive? What mindset? What priorities? What relationship type do you want? What kind of give and take?

 

I talk about this 'wounded gazelle' concept alot. This idea that when a woman is vulnerable emotionally, that certain men (not good ones) are almost subconsciously invited to swoop in. I'm very aware of this dynamic... so striking the balance between being approachable and yet maintaining certain boundaries has been a tough one for me.

 

Being approachable does not require, AT ALL, a 'wounded gazelle' type thing. (I also agree with Lion that there are many men who use this, and they're not ALL bad or at least not equally so -- depends on what you're looking for.) Being approachable can be as simple as having a desire to socialize with other people and an air of acceptance. Men approach me all the time, and I'm no wounded gazelle. I think (from what I've heard & experienced) they approach me because they get the sense that I will be sociable, that I won't judge them too harshly for a misstep, and that I will help them save face. You don't have to be wounded to be safe, and I honestly think (from your persona here) that you really ARE a 'safe' approach, but men might not know/get that, just based on your movements in society/body language/speech/etc.

 

So, it's interesting you bring up this idea, which shows how guarded you can be, RR. I would recommend, first and foremost (not ONLY), that you drop your guard to a degree and trust the judgement that you have to protect you, no exterior walls needed. That doesn't mean be some kind of pushover or some wounded animal. It means that you are strong enough that you don't need a "guard." You have your judgement, at the end of the day, and you can easily exercise that with strength and grace, without walls to protect you from bad men.

 

I tend to swing between being flirty or overly flirty... and hard-nosed business woman and crazy adventure chick.

 

I think you just need to find your comfort zone, and I really think you will. My long-winded advice above is just to highlight a potential issue I sometimes see in your posts -- I "get" why you are guarded, but I think there are better ways to protect one's self that are less of a hindrance.

 

In many ways, I am very similar to you and have desired very similar things -- i.e. not trusting guys who were too fixated on looks, came on too strong, etc. What I learned, however, were ways to accept that attention, deflect it positively, and keep my guard down so I could still attract the men who take a little longer & are worth attracting. Thing is, when you repel the bad guys, you repel most of the good guys, too.

[RedRobin]

Actually, I didn't believe in love at first sight, because I've never started crushing at first sight, with one exception. I've only been swept off my feet by a woman at first sight once in my life, but that was because she looked like an actress that I like.

 

Other than that exception, I'm actually someone that really needs to get to know a woman before I'm able to start crushing on her. I need to know her mind a bit and the quality of her values before I can develop a crush. And I need to know if she's genuinely kind and honest and isn't putting up some act, her words need to match her actions/behavior. I also need to know if she isn't sleeping with other men while we're establishing a connection, so that she doesn't damage or destroy that connection when it's being built.

I'm looking for a quality woman and looks or first impressions do not show if a woman is long term relationship material.

 

I'm not at all a guy that goes by first impressions, on the contrary, like I said, I have to get to know a woman before I can develop a crush.

 

Just looks don't do it for me. It has to be accompanied by personality, intelligence, kindness, integrity and an emotional connection or bond.

 

Looks can draw me to a woman initially, I then want to know more about her, but they don't seal the deal. Personality and an emotional connection do. An intelligent woman would also probably keep me interested over time as both our looks fade over time due to old age.

 

And I'm very much aware that personality can grow a woman's beauty in my eyes. So even if I'm not physically attracted to a woman initially, that might change as I get to know her personality as her beauty then grows in my eyes.

 

One thing I actually don't like about OLD, is that it actually is very much about first impressions. I've never done OLD, however I have considered it and looked around on some websites, but that's it.

 

Thanks for clearing that up

 

One of my current issues is that I'm a bit scarred from spending some time in the public eye. Not anything bad... Just that I'm over having complete strangers making comments about me. I have no idea how actors/actresses and politicians manage having every detail of their lives picked over. Something I'm trying to learn how to manage.

 

I don't open up emotionally to strangers. I'm friendly and fun... but won't be sharing any deep conversations about my life. It is one of the reasons I absolutely HATE it when men Google me before a date. It feels really gross and intrusive.

 

so, I realize I have some personal hurdles to jump.

Edited May 6, 2012 by RedRobin

[RedRobin]

Good idea. I don't think a gal should make dating her whole life, but I do think if you want love & dating & a real R, you need to make room for it first. Not doing so is a mistake that many make.

 

 

 

As to the latter, we all do, at least to some extent. I find that dating styles differ wildly between different people and types of people, which was why I asked you earlier in the thread (I didn't see if you answered) what type of man you want to attract. How aggressive? What mindset? What priorities? What relationship type do you want? What kind of give and take?

 

 

 

Being approachable does not require, AT ALL, a 'wounded gazelle' type thing. (I also agree with Lion that there are many men who use this, and they're not ALL bad or at least not equally so -- depends on what you're looking for.) Being approachable can be as simple as having a desire to socialize with other people and an air of acceptance. Men approach me all the time, and I'm no wounded gazelle. I think (from what I've heard & experienced) they approach me because they get the sense that I will be sociable, that I won't judge them too harshly for a misstep, and that I will help them save face. You don't have to be wounded to be safe, and I honestly think (from your persona here) that you really ARE a 'safe' approach, but men might not know/get that, just based on your movements in society/body language/speech/etc.

 

So, it's interesting you bring up this idea, which shows how guarded you can be, RR. I would recommend, first and foremost (not ONLY), that you drop your guard to a degree and trust the judgement that you have to protect you, no exterior walls needed. That doesn't mean be some kind of pushover or some wounded animal. It means that you are strong enough that you don't need a "guard." You have your judgement, at the end of the day, and you can easily exercise that with strength and grace, without walls to protect you from bad men.

 

 

 

I think you just need to find your comfort zone, and I really think you will. My long-winded advice above is just to highlight a potential issue I sometimes see in your posts -- I "get" why you are guarded, but I think there are better ways to protect one's self that are less of a hindrance.

 

In many ways, I am very similar to you and have desired very similar things -- i.e. not trusting guys who were too fixated on looks, came on too strong, etc. What I learned, however, were ways to accept that attention, deflect it positively, and keep my guard down so I could still attract the men who take a little longer & are worth attracting. Thing is, when you repel the bad guys, you repel most of the good guys, too.

 

I seem to be able to make friends easy enough. Both male and female. I'd like to think that is because I am accessible at some level.

 

However, I've also come to realize that I'm open only in certain venues.

[Anela]

I can only think of a few reasons why men would do that, but they're not all bad ones:

 

1. A player who smells vulnerability in a woman and wants to take advantage of that in order to sleep with her.

2. A guy that sees a woman in a weak moment of hers and wants to use it to hit on her, but with the intention of a relationship.

3. It's possible that a "wounded gazelle" triggers something in men that wants to protect them.

4. It's possible that a "wounded gazelle" disarms men so that they let their guard down and feel

more comfortable approaching a woman.

5. It's possible that a "wounded gazelle" shows that she is capable of emotionally connecting and that that is something a guy might be looking for.

 

The latter three reasons don't come from bad intentions I think.

 

Personally I wouldn't ever want to take advantage of a "wounded" woman and use her momentary emotional "weakness" to hit on her, but I must admit that if I notice a woman is capable of emotionally connecting, then that does draw my attention, because I value an emotional connection in a relationship. However, a woman doesn't have to be "wounded" in order to show that.

 

The other four reasons would probably never apply to me in the context of hitting on a woman. Out of (male) instinct I do feel protective feelings towards people who are hurting, but not in a romantic context. And it's probably not very hard to disarm me when a woman is simply being kind.

 

I now remember where I'd heard something before, about women somehow drawing men in, by showing vulnerability: it was a female dating coach, who was trying to help women to soften their energy, without becoming doormats, and she would talk about the way they expressed themselves, talking about their feelings, not blaming and shaming the men. I stopped visiting the blog, because I found that I was mostly doing whatever she advised, without even realizing it, only I would attract mostly men I wasn't attracted to, but I remember thinking,"Oh, so that's why [this one guy] fluffed up when I told him that I trusted him to do the right thing." I didn't tell him that he should do something, I just realized that I wasn't able to help him in the way that he needed. The woman's name is Rori Raye. I stopped receiving her newsletters, and totally forgot about her.

 

I usually recognize the protector type, because I'm protective, even with people that I really don't know. I rarely attract that type, because they seem to think that I'm handling things just fine (like my mother, who pointed out when I was just a teenager, that she knew I was having some problems, but she also knew that I was handling them).

 

I don't want to hijack Robin's thread. I have all of these thoughts running in about five different directions, but I haven't wanted to hijack anything, and I don't want my own thread, because I generally know what I'm doing that's right or wrong, and what I need to do to correct it. I mainly attract the men who are bored in their relationships, or those who are pining for someone else, and/or heartbroken and don't know what they really want. I honestly don't think that something good and healthy is going to happen for me - I don't think that I'm going to attract someone who just decides that I'm the one for them, and they aren't looking at anyone else - I really don't. My personality might be just fine, but nobody has ever admitted to anything like that with me. I've also noticed that, more often than not, I attract men who reflect my own insecurities/depression/etc, and it freaks me out. I'm usually trying to fix mine, whereas they will turn around and blame everyone else. When this one guy was telling me how great he thought I was, I thought of his girlfriend, and pictured him doing the same thing to me in a year or two (if I'd been stupid enough to go there). I need to be attracting more men who display the healthier sides of my personality, but I feel like I'm just getting my sea legs back, and I don't want anyone disrupting that. I had that lovesick feeling for a long time, either for one man (who ended up going all weird on me), or just in general.

 

I'm finally over the need to have someone in my life, so I wouldn't trust anyone right now. Apparently, I can't be nice to someone, without them thinking that I'm interested. I go back to being considered a cold b*tch instead.

[threebyfate]

RedRobin, a thought. What kind of man do you want? One who's more passive or one who's more assertive?

 

The above will define how you approach or not.

[RedRobin]

I now remember where I'd heard something before, about women somehow drawing men in, by showing vulnerability: it was a female dating coach, who was trying to help women to soften their energy, without becoming doormats, and she would talk about the way they expressed themselves, talking about their feelings, not blaming and shaming the men. I stopped visiting the blog, because I found that I was mostly doing whatever she advised, without even realizing it, only I would attract mostly men I wasn't attracted to, but I remember thinking,"Oh, so that's why [this one guy] fluffed up when I told him that I trusted him to do the right thing." I didn't tell him that he should do something, I just realized that I wasn't able to help him in the way that he needed. The woman's name is Rori Raye. I stopped receiving her newsletters, and totally forgot about her.

 

I usually recognize the protector type, because I'm protective, even with people that I really don't know. I rarely attract that type, because they seem to think that I'm handling things just fine (like my mother, who pointed out when I was just a teenager, that she knew I was having some problems, but she also knew that I was handling them).

 

I don't want to hijack Robin's thread. I have all of these thoughts running in about five different directions, but I haven't wanted to hijack anything, and I don't want my own thread, because I generally know what I'm doing that's right or wrong, and what I need to do to correct it. I mainly attract the men who are bored in their relationships, or those who are pining for someone else, and/or heartbroken and don't know what they really want. I honestly don't think that something good and healthy is going to happen for me - I don't think that I'm going to attract someone who just decides that I'm the one for them, and they aren't looking at anyone else - I really don't. My personality might be just fine, but nobody has ever admitted to anything like that with me. I've also noticed that, more often than not, I attract men who reflect my own insecurities/depression/etc, and it freaks me out. I'm usually trying to fix mine, whereas they will turn around and blame everyone else. When this one guy was telling me how great he thought I was, I thought of his girlfriend, and pictured him doing the same thing to me in a year or two (if I'd been stupid enough to go there). I need to be attracting more men who display the healthier sides of my personality, but I feel like I'm just getting my sea legs back, and I don't want anyone disrupting that. I had that lovesick feeling for a long time, either for one man (who ended up going all weird on me), or just in general.

 

I'm finally over the need to have someone in my life, so I wouldn't trust anyone right now. Apparently, I can't be nice to someone, without them thinking that I'm interested. I go back to being considered a cold b*tch instead.

 

You aren't threadjacking at all sweetie.

 

I bolded the part that resonated with me. I feel this too. The reason I've gone running from men who approached me during my vulnerable period is exactly this...

 

"I've also noticed that, more often than not, I attract men who reflect my own insecurities/depression/etc, and it freaks me out. I'm usually trying to fix mine, whereas they will turn around and blame everyone else."

 

Exactly. So, what you end up with is someone keeping you weighed down in old garbage.

 

I've had periods where I didn't want anyone in my life, so I hear you. I'm sure you'll come through this period ok.

[RedRobin]

RedRobin, a thought. What kind of man do you want? One who's more passive or one who's more assertive?

 

The above will define how you approach or not.

 

I want one that is balanced. I'm not attracted to 'macho' types at all, nor am I attracted to ones where I need to do all the work.

 

I don't view relationships as a power struggle where one is dominant and the other submissive. Unfortunately, we are socialized to believe that strength in women is emasculating, and empathy/sensitivity in men means he's a wuss. Which is a shame.

 

In the past, I let men approach, and was not happy with the outcome. I tried doing the approaching, and got the passive type.

 

So, I'm looking for the middle ground now. It doesn't matter who makes the initial contact... but it has to be mutual now.

[threebyfate]

I want one that is balanced. I'm not attracted to 'macho' types at all, nor am I attracted to ones where I need to do all the work.

 

I don't view relationships as a power struggle where one is dominant and the other submissive. Unfortunately, we are socialized to believe that strength in women is emasculating, and empathy/sensitivity in men means he's a wuss. Which is a shame.

 

In the past, I let men approach, and was not happy with the outcome. I tried doing the approaching, and got the passive type.

 

So, I'm looking for the middle ground now. It doesn't matter who makes the initial contact... but it has to be mutual now.

This is why I used the term assertive instead of dominant or domineering. Macho men are such caricatures!

 

What's worked for me in the past is to get the attention of the man in question. Once he's noticed, the assertive types will approach. When they approach, flirt and be open to his attention. The high interest assertive types will ask you out and be consistent in their interest. The gaming assertive types will attempt to hook by playing push/pull.

Edited May 6, 2012 by threebyfate

[ThaWholigan]

I want one that is balanced. I'm not attracted to 'macho' types at all, nor am I attracted to ones where I need to do all the work.

 

I don't view relationships as a power struggle where one is dominant and the other submissive. Unfortunately, we are socialized to believe that strength in women is emasculating, and empathy/sensitivity in men means he's a wuss. Which is a shame.

 

In the past, I let men approach, and was not happy with the outcome. I tried doing the approaching, and got the passive type.

 

So, I'm looking for the middle ground now. It doesn't matter who makes the initial contact... but it has to be mutual now.

Absolutely love this post. I believe that everyone has different characteristics thrown together to make the person they are. An amalgamation of traits that may or may not complement each other.

[Heart Of A Lion]

One of my current issues is that I'm a bit scarred from spending some time in the public eye. Not anything bad... Just that I'm over having complete strangers making comments about me.

 

Can you give some examples of the type of comments from strangers you're referring to? (ones that ticked you off)

 

I tried doing the approaching, and got the passive type.

 

Are you sure the guys you approached were on the market? I every now and then get approached too, but I stay standoffish during this time in my life, but in general I do keep a women that comes on to me in mind for when I'm in a position to be in a relationship, but only if there is some sort of "chemistry" of course. In the meanwhile I can check for red flags and see if she's actually long term relationship material, unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) a woman often changes her act during this time. Like showing a mean, dishonest or unreliable side or admitting to sleeping with another man while trying to establish a connection with me, etc etc.

 

The latter tends the damage/destroy whatever connection you have, after which the chemistry from my side starts subsiding. I usually indicate in one way or another that I'm not happy if a woman does any of those things. The women that do those type of things often don't see or admit any fault in their behavior, but rather don't like it that I express my disapproval about it. However in my opinion it's warranted for me to express that I'm not pleased about it. It's hurtful and feels disrespectful when a woman tries to establish a connection with you, but chooses to sleep with another man while doing that. Of course that connection will then get damaged/destroyed. I don't think it's fair to expect of me to stick my head in the sand and not say anything about it to her, only to then wave away such a huge red flag.

 

I have never and would never sleep with another woman while I'm having chemistry with someone and while I am in the process of establishing a connection with her that could potentially lead to a relationship. That can cause irreparable damage during the time you grow towards each other. If only more people realized this.

Edited May 6, 2012 by Heart Of A Lion

[zengirl]

I seem to be able to make friends easy enough. Both male and female. I'd like to think that is because I am accessible at some level.

 

However, I've also come to realize that I'm open only in certain venues.

 

Yes, you seem sociable enough, so I never thought you weren't in that manner. Approaching someone for romantic purposes is much harder and different than friendly purposes, of course.

 

I want one that is balanced. I'm not attracted to 'macho' types at all, nor am I attracted to ones where I need to do all the work.

 

I don't view relationships as a power struggle where one is dominant and the other submissive. Unfortunately, we are socialized to believe that strength in women is emasculating, and empathy/sensitivity in men means he's a wuss. Which is a shame.

 

In the past, I let men approach, and was not happy with the outcome. I tried doing the approaching, and got the passive type.

 

So, I'm looking for the middle ground now. It doesn't matter who makes the initial contact... but it has to be mutual now.

 

That's basically how I approached dating. I wasn't going to do all the lifting, but I had no concerns about who did what first. I would say I looked for the same type of men. In a world where people use terms Alpha and Beta, I often joked that I was looking for the Omega.