RedRobin Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 A few scenarios... feel free to weigh in... Scenario 1: Last week, I was invited to a fundraiser. One of those things where you have to know someone to be there. So, not exactly the atmosphere one would be trying to score a date. Definately one where you might want to expand your social circle a bit. I noticed a couple of gentlemen throwing admiring glances my way. One of them did come up to talk to me and we had a nice chat. The other seemed a bit shy, but who knows. This event was posted on Facebook. After the event, I posted on the wall to thank the host for the event, and say I hoped to be more involved in their organization. I'm hoping that one of those gentlemen will muster up the courage to reach out Scenario number two... I'm in my favorite Starbucks and a couple of married male acquaintances of mine are sitting at the big table with a man I've never seen before (a very attractive one). I get my drink, and I see that attractive guy is looking my way. Repeatedly. I'm tempted to just say hello and keep walking. Instead, I plop myself down at the table and strike up a random conversation with my male friends. During the conversation, it comes out that the guy is into some serious diving (I'm certified... and as you know, do some other sports). So, we talk for awhile. As we get to chatting about diving and some of our other interests, I can see he's getting more interested... I have to go to work, so I make my way out. On the way out, we are both sending each other some big smiles... but that is it. We will both be going to a party for a mutual friend in about a month, so I'm fairly certain he will be there. Scenario three: I go to the party of one of my gay friends. Guess what? Not everyone there is gay, ha ha. Apparently a friend of a friend thinks I'm 'gorgeous' and wants to ask me out. He is a male nurse, and his friends think he's punching out of his league. I tell them I don't care about that stuff at all, and I'd like to meet him if he's a nice guy (no offense, I honestly don't remember him). It is too bad, because if he thought I was so fabulous, he should have at least made the attempt to come talk to me. With all of these scenarios, I'm just assuming that if they were really interested they would have asked for some way to get in touch with me on the spot. Or... If you are in a situation where you have some likelihood of seeing the woman again, do you bide your time? Do a little research?
persevere Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Ways to approach men? When you see one sitting alone at a bar (as I do sometimes), just say hello. I, for one, would be happy to talk. Most guys won't wade their way into a group of women, out for 'ladies night', etc. I've tried it and it's awkward. It's gonna be up the woman to initiate in a situation like that.
Author RedRobin Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 Ways to approach men? When you see one sitting alone at a bar (as I do sometimes), just say hello. I, for one, would be happy to talk. Most guys won't wade their way into a group of women, out for 'ladies night', etc. I've tried it and it's awkward. It's gonna be up the woman to initiate in a situation like that. I'm not shy at all. In fact, I think I'm a bit over the top in my extrovert ways and so have probably lost some good opportunities because I didn't manage the interaction as gracefully as I'd liked. So, what would be a graceful way for a woman to initiate in that situation without coming across as desperate? The guy I was interested in at the bar wasn't alone. He was in his own 'pack' of guys. I'm assuming both of us have to take the initiative to separate from our respective packs eh? 1
Author RedRobin Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 Congrats, those sound like promising situations. thanks verhrzn. I don't want to blow it! I've done that before. Thanks for the vote of confidence.
jobaba Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Or... If you are in a situation where you have some likelihood of seeing the woman again, do you bide your time? Do a little research? I used to really get to know a woman before making a move, trying to figure out what her good and bad points were before I decided I was interested. But now, I intend on pulling the trigger a bit faster. Depends on the guy really.
Lil1 Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 With all of these scenarios, I'm just assuming that if they were really interested they would have asked for some way to get in touch with me on the spot. Or... If you are in a situation where you have some likelihood of seeing the woman again, do you bide your time? Do a little research? I guess this is a questions best answered by men. I personally wish more men would ask for some way to get in touch if they are really interested in me. There are few situations however in which biding your time is more appropriate. I think scenario 2 is the most promising one RedRobin! Make sure you look ravishing at the party! and above all... have fun!!
FitChick Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 If these are friends of friends, just tell your friends that you find So & So attractive and is he single?
zengirl Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Scenario 1: Last week, I was invited to a fundraiser. One of those things where you have to know someone to be there. So, not exactly the atmosphere one would be trying to score a date. Definately one where you might want to expand your social circle a bit. I noticed a couple of gentlemen throwing admiring glances my way. One of them did come up to talk to me and we had a nice chat. The other seemed a bit shy, but who knows. This event was posted on Facebook. After the event, I posted on the wall to thank the host for the event, and say I hoped to be more involved in their organization. I'm hoping that one of those gentlemen will muster up the courage to reach out Could happen, with the guy who actually talked to you. Such a thing has worked for me before. I'd never count on it -- because then you get your hopes up needlessly -- but sure. No way the guy who didn't talk to you is going to blind-approach you through FB at your (and presumably his) age, IMO. Teens do that. I've not met a bunch of adults who really do. They feel too creepy doing it if they never even talked to you and got your name. Scenario number two... I'm in my favorite Starbucks and a couple of married male acquaintances of mine are sitting at the big table with a man I've never seen before (a very attractive one). I get my drink, and I see that attractive guy is looking my way. Repeatedly. I'm tempted to just say hello and keep walking. Instead, I plop myself down at the table and strike up a random conversation with my male friends. During the conversation, it comes out that the guy is into some serious diving (I'm certified... and as you know, do some other sports). So, we talk for awhile. As we get to chatting about diving and some of our other interests, I can see he's getting more interested... I have to go to work, so I make my way out. On the way out, we are both sending each other some big smiles... but that is it. We will both be going to a party for a mutual friend in about a month, so I'm fairly certain he will be there. So, the guy talked to you? A month is a long time, but that could be promising if you both attend the party or even sooner if he actually knows your male friends --- I'm confused on that one. Personally, in THIS scenario, I would've offered the guy an "in" to ask me out/ask for my number/keep in touch SOMEHOW, whether it be suggesting for him to look you up on a social networking site or simply saying, "We should talk more about diving sometime? Let me give you my card" or whatever. I don't know if you gave him any entrances or not --- generally speaking, it's a good thing to do. If you have a business card with a line you're fine with getting the odd personal call on, that works wonders. There's nothing forward about exchanging that. Scenario three: I go to the party of one of my gay friends. Guess what? Not everyone there is gay, ha ha. Apparently a friend of a friend thinks I'm 'gorgeous' and wants to ask me out. He is a male nurse, and his friends think he's punching out of his league. I tell them I don't care about that stuff at all, and I'd like to meet him if he's a nice guy (no offense, I honestly don't remember him). It is too bad, because if he thought I was so fabulous, he should have at least made the attempt to come talk to me. Your friends may relay back to him. Not much you can do until they do. With all of these scenarios, I'm just assuming that if they were really interested they would have asked for some way to get in touch with me on the spot. Generally, I'd say that's not true. I've known MANY men who took forever to ask me out or who said they never would've asked me out if I didn't give them an entrance. Are you good at giving entrances? I don't think the guys are doing research --- I think it's just hard for them to ramp up to asking a gal out if she hasn't done any of the lifting. Smiling and so forth works for the more aggressive, Alpha-complex guys, but not for the kind of guys I'd generally go out with, so it really depends on what type of guys these are.
persevere Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I'm assuming both of us have to take the initiative to separate from our respective packs eh? So True. In my experience, approaching a "pack" is much harder for guys. If a woman approached a man, who was out with his friends, he would get encouragement. If he were rude, his friends would most likely tell him "WTF dude...don't be a jerk" However (and I've been there), a man approaching a woman in a pack will instantly be under total scrutiny from all sides. I've been ignored when doing this!..and I'm not rude, nor a bad looking guy, etc. "Haha..did you see how I broke that guy?"..Oh, that's ok, I didn't like his shoes anyway."
Pierre Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 The flaw I see here is that most men and women are trying to score dates from strangers. That may work, but I rather find dates among women I already know. By definition trying to score dates from strangers in the street gives you the same results as telemarketing-----------------Most folks get nowhere. That is why I advocate school and the workplace to make romantic connections. This give you a chance to scope a person over a long time and provides a non-threatening scenario where there is some initial friendship and emotional connection. How do you think most extramarital affairs developed? 4
fishtaco Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 The flaw I see here is that most men and women are trying to score dates from strangers. That may work, but I rather find dates among women I already know. By definition trying to score dates from strangers in the street gives you the same results as telemarketing-----------------Most folks get nowhere. That is why I advocate school and the workplace to make romantic connections. This give you a chance to scope a person over a long time and provides a non-threatening scenario where there is some initial friendship and emotional connection. How do you think most extramarital affairs developed? Disagree. Most of my dating history, whether committed, sex only, or whatever, came from strangers. But I'm willing to go into the acquaintance area as well. Romantic relationship from friendship should happen by accident. When you hit on a friend, you risk damaging that friendship. With a stranger, you just part ways. School is actually excellent. That I agree. Work, not so much. You could be ruining your career. It's not unusual for someone to have to quit their job and get a new one after a work romance ends badly. Sometimes, even human resources and the legal department would get involved, and it's all he-said-she-said. As far as cheating, it has more to do with convenience. So I wouldn't compare that with actual real relationships. So overall, I disagree. But kudos to RedRobin. 1
persevere Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 The flaw I see here is that most men and women are trying to score dates from strangers. That may work, but I rather find dates among women I already know. By definition trying to score dates from strangers in the street gives you the same results as telemarketing-----------------Most folks get nowhere. That is why I advocate school and the workplace to make romantic connections. This give you a chance to scope a person over a long time and provides a non-threatening scenario where there is some initial friendship and emotional connection. How do you think most extramarital affairs developed? Good point. Going out rogue to a bar, sometimes alone, opens you up to all kinds of negative vibes. You can be a great guy, lonely, easy to talk to but it usually leads to nowhere. Who is this guy? I don't know him. Unfortunately, they know someone or had it happen to them where the guy was a total loon. Best to get to know them. Find out where they hang out, get to know them over time. Get to know their friends a bit. Earn trust...
sid3 Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 If guy number two is interested be can easily get your number from your mutual friends. That's an easy in if he was unsure at the time as to whether or not you were single. You can also follow up with your friends for more information about him. The other scenarios don't sound nearly as promising. And I agree with what Fishtaco said, not only is he right, he's fricking awesome!
EasyHeart Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 It sounds like in all those situations you have some mutual friends, so the men can track you down if they want to. At that point it's up to them and it depends (1) how interested they are in you and (2) how interested they think you are. Especially when you meet women through work-friends, you have to be super, super careful to make sure that she's interested, otherwise you become the creepy guy who hits on anything in a skirt. So from your perspective, you have to be very obvious that you're interested. Most women will show interest by making a suggestion like "we should get together sometime." That's the universal signal for "Ask me out, dumbass!!!" Also, it's not clear from your OP, but no guy is going to ask you out in front of a group of people. If it's at all possible, maneuver him into a one-on-one talk so that he has an opportunity to ask you out or ask for your number. That was my main reaction to your three stories: there didn't seem to be any chance for the guys to ask you out. And of course there's nothing wrong with you taking the initiative in any of these situations. The easy opportunity has passed, so one of you is going to have to make an effort.
Author RedRobin Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 Ugh. So I'm apparently either over the top, scary desperate woman... or timid,shy, not giving the guy any 'ins'. *Sigh* Ok.... Of the three, I'd say I am most interested in Guy #2. We definately had a little mojo going on, or so it seemed. But this is exactly when I do something really lame and shoot myself in the foot. Here is another 'tell'. We chatted and everything. Had a great conversation. But he didn't even ask my name. Alright. I didn't ask his either. A couple of dorks WE are, ha ha. I won't be holding my breath, but yea, I'll be looking for diving guy at the next party.
Author RedRobin Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 I guess this is a questions best answered by men. I personally wish more men would ask for some way to get in touch if they are really interested in me. There are few situations however in which biding your time is more appropriate. I think scenario 2 is the most promising one RedRobin! Make sure you look ravishing at the party! and above all... have fun!! I wish all the single and looking people could wear a T-shirt with a special phone number on it like realtors do with houses. WTF, man. Wouldn't that make dating IRL, soooo much easier?! And about #2. Yea, that is the one I was feeling the best about. Thanks! As for the party... it is for a friend who is leaving the area to go live in Paris for three months(!!). I'm so envious! My first thought will be to be mentally present for her. This is a big step for her. AND if diving guy is there, I'd love the chance to talk to him again. Until then... gotta keep my hook in the water, ha ha. Have a running club event to go to tonight. Cinco de Mayo. Yay! Am thinking I'll take the trusty Soob to this... not my bad *ss motorcycle. Wouldn't want them to think I swing the other way... Although, Subaru's don't exactly scream excitement...
Author RedRobin Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 The flaw I see here is that most men and women are trying to score dates from strangers. That may work, but I rather find dates among women I already know. By definition trying to score dates from strangers in the street gives you the same results as telemarketing-----------------Most folks get nowhere. That is why I advocate school and the workplace to make romantic connections. This give you a chance to scope a person over a long time and provides a non-threatening scenario where there is some initial friendship and emotional connection. How do you think most extramarital affairs developed? In the scenario above, what would have been the appropriate way for a woman who was interested in you to let that be known in a graceful way? I've had situations before (I call it the wounded gazelle syndrome) where the guy has more or less swooped in on me and it freaked me out. Yes, this would be the 'total stranger' thing. But I've also gotten that feeling from friends of friends before. These days, I have to be interested in him at some level before I'll be receptive at all. How to make that interest known without appearing desperate or even worse, low-class, is the balance I'm seeking.
Million.to.1 Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I'm so like you RedRobin... to bold for my own good sometimes. 1
Author RedRobin Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 FTR, I agree that the problem is trying to date strangers too.
runner Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 With all of these scenarios, I'm just assuming that if they were really interested they would have asked for some way to get in touch with me on the spot. Or... If you are in a situation where you have some likelihood of seeing the woman again, do you bide your time? Do a little research? perhaps a bit of both in certain cases ? but really, what is it with boys these days ? if there was something obviously going on, is it really that hard to say something along the lines of, "hey i'd like to catch up with you soon, and talk some more" yadda yadda.. why let it go ? (unless you're married, or gay, or something; then i understand)
somedude81 Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 I wish all the single and looking people could wear a T-shirt with a special phone number on it like realtors do with houses. WTF, man. Wouldn't that make dating IRL, soooo much easier?! Definitely. I've had an idea like that for a very long time. It would make the game so much easier.
Author RedRobin Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 (edited) Definitely. I've had an idea like that for a very long time. It would make the game so much easier. We'd need someone to screen the calls like realtors do though. A link to a website might be safer. Hmmm... I smell a business opportunity for someone! Disagree. Most of my dating history, whether committed, sex only, or whatever, came from strangers. But I'm willing to go into the acquaintance area as well. Romantic relationship from friendship should happen by accident. When you hit on a friend, you risk damaging that friendship. With a stranger, you just part ways. School is actually excellent. That I agree. Work, not so much. You could be ruining your career. It's not unusual for someone to have to quit their job and get a new one after a work romance ends badly. Sometimes, even human resources and the legal department would get involved, and it's all he-said-she-said. As far as cheating, it has more to do with convenience. So I wouldn't compare that with actual real relationships. So overall, I disagree. But kudos to RedRobin. Fishtaco, I'm open to all avenues, but in the cases where I've jumped in with strangers (in the 35+ crowd anyway), they turned out to have issues. They cheated on their wife multiple times, or were recovering whatevers... something. Or they just had different goals and dating styles that I'm not compatible with. So, I've come to rely much less on the ones with charisma and 'chemistry' and have leaned towards those who have to jump through some social filters. Like you, I used to have a very strict rule about not dating men I work with. After witnessing a number of marriages between some of my co-workers over the years, I'm opening myself up to the possibility of meeting men where I work... and certainly through professional organizations. It depends on one's dating goals though. It seems alot of people over a certain age don't date seriously for whatever reason... So, I agree you need to be very careful if you decide to date at work. Thanks for the encouragement Also, it's not clear from your OP, but no guy is going to ask you out in front of a group of people. If it's at all possible, maneuver him into a one-on-one talk so that he has an opportunity to ask you out or ask for your number. That was my main reaction to your three stories: there didn't seem to be any chance for the guys to ask you out. And of course there's nothing wrong with you taking the initiative in any of these situations. The easy opportunity has passed, so one of you is going to have to make an effort. Easyheart, Ah! Hadn't thought of that! Very astute of you. I know there isn't anything wrong with me taking the initiative. My 'normal' reaction *IS* to take the initiative... but that doesn't seem to be working as well as I'd like so I'm trying to flex my style a bit. I was tempted to start a rant about women approaching men, but I doubt it would go anywhere. Plus, it comes off as an excuse. I've never let anything hold me back in the past. Edited May 5, 2012 by RedRobin
zengirl Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 Ugh. So I'm apparently either over the top, scary desperate woman... or timid,shy, not giving the guy any 'ins'. I don't think you're either of those things. I just think you have to decide how proactive you want to be in your dating life, based on the guys you most want to attract. It seems like your normal style wasn't working for you, so you're experimenting. Perhaps it'll just be a few tweaks. Here is another 'tell'. We chatted and everything. Had a great conversation. But he didn't even ask my name. Alright. I didn't ask his either. A couple of dorks WE are, ha ha. Oh, well. Look for him at the party. Life is often serendipitous about these things, IME, so you may get another chance sooner anyway. Next time I suggest, offering your name and giving some kind of in -- preferably not with a discussion in front of other people, as EH says. At any rate, all these little encounters seem like good signs to me. Usually flirtatious energy like this snowballs if you let it, and you may get more opportunities, etc.
El Brujo Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 I agree that the shot-in-the-dark approach isn't such a hot idea, unless of course you're in a bar where you and everyone else in there is drunk to some extent... in that case, nobody is likely to care very much. IME it helps to hang out with people who enjoy the same things as you. That's why meetup dot com was invented, DUH...
Recommended Posts