Decided to take control of my life,I may regret it later

[nanbullen]

Well my ex said he wanted to try to work things out last Thursday, and I haven’t heard from him since. I thought there was a good chance he just said that because we were on the phone and I was practically begging him to give it another try. But, I wanted to believe that he DID want to work on our problems. Another thing he told me on Thursday was that he had gone on a couple of dates with another woman but it was not “what I think”. All week I’ve been waiting, wondering if he wanted to be with me or not. Diving myself insane thinking of him with this other woman. I have been waiting for the phone to ring. I’ve been crying, anxious…well; I think most here can understand my feelings.

 

This little ray of hope that he wasn’t dumping me (because he never would come out and say it), has kept me from fully being able to accept the reality of the situation. I need to work through the grieving process and move on. And here I was stuck in this twisted Groundhog Day. I wake up every morning full of anxiety about whether he called while I was sleeping, when I see that he hasn’t, that horrible, panicky anxiety takes over.

Well, I read a great book about abandonment….and it described EXACTLY how I feel, and said it’s all COMPLETELY normal and necessary; as a matter of fact, everybody has the same feelings, and it explains WHY, and tells you step-by-step what to do. It really made a lot of sense, and actually made me WANT to get the grieving over with once and for all. But, in order to do that, I had to let go of that little ray of hope that was keeping me partly in denial.

 

So, like an idiot, yesterday, I realized it was 7 days since he contacted me. And before I could stop myself I called him and left a message to please call me. I was scared he would not call me back unless he knew what I wanted (how pathetic of me to even think this way!). So, like an even bigger idiot, I immediately left 2 text messages. One that said; I thought maybe I talked him into saying he would try to work things out because I made him feel guilty. And another one that was very short, but said something totally stupid, does it really matter what?

 

I immediately regretted what I did. Last Thursday after we talked, he called me but I didn’t answer because I was sleeping. And I didn’t call him back. I should mention, he ignores my calls and texts for days and it puts him in a position of power and control. And now, he was most likely going to ignore my calls, so he could be back in control. Before I called him, I was upset that he didn’t try to contact me. But, by calling, him I gave him the opportunity to ignore me. I was more upset that now he had that power again.

 

So this morning, when he still hadn’t acknowledged my call/text in any way I texted him – ‘you’re right, I don’t think either of us has been happy and I can see that’s why it’s ending. I’d like to stay together and work on problems, but there’s no point if it’s only me that wants it – so I see that this is for the best.’ It’s pretty much VERBATIM from something I read in a post on LS (I think) lol. But I thought it was worded perfectly.

 

I can’t believe I did it. Never in our history together, have I EVER, so much as breathed the idea that I wanted or agreed to breaking up. Later, I may realize what I did and regret it. But right now, I feel better than I have felt in a long time (not to say I’m feeling great). He manipulated me to the point where I was like a beaten dog, sitting around waiting for my master. He was so sure that I would never ever break up with him, that I would accept any way he treated me….that he thought he could string me along and not tell me if we were broken up or not, so he could date other women, and still keep me on the back burner in case things didn’t work out. He could use me anytime. That’s what he was counting on. This is the last thing he ever expected from me.

 

I didn’t realize how much better I would feel once I took some power away from him, and took control of my life. I didn’t allow him to ignore me. And I stopped his plan of stringing me along by not officially breaking up with me, but at the same time, not calling me to work things out. I know by ignoring me, he expected the usual result – me having a meltdown and texting and calling him. He never in a million years thought I would call his bluff. And I feel soooooo good about it!

 

Let him go date other women without the security of knowing I’m waiting for him. They won't look so good now.

 

If it wasn’t for everybody here keeping it real ….I would have never have seen him for what he is. Thanks LS!!

 

So do y’all think it was stupid? Bad idea? Good idea? Don’t care? I hope I’m not updating this thread later, crying about how could I have done this? LOL

[nanbullen]

Oh yeah, the book is called 'Journey from Abandonment to Healing'. I know that title doesn't exactly ring out, but I have read almost every self help book out there, and none have ever helped. This book is awesome. You can download a free sample from amazon (kindle for phone is free). That's what I did, but it was so good i bought it.

[jennisfora]

i read that on my kindle too! funny, i read it back when i was not doing NC, and recommended it to my ex, and he downloaded it as well, because he had abandonment issues with his father bailing on him as a kid. it is a great book.

 

and yes, i am proud of you for taking back the reins and not waiting on him to make the decision. you weren't happy, and he wasn't emotionally there, you have every right to walk away, and i think it is awesome, of course now you have to be very strong, and do NC. Don't let him manipulate you just so he can have the last word, or try to re string your heart. This guy has played with you, and is emotionally abusive. avoid him completely. he may try to call now, to see if you are serious, don't answer, don't give him the satisfaction. you made the decision, don't let him take that away from you.

 

You go, Nan! *hugs* *claps*

[nanbullen]

i read that on my kindle too! funny, i read it back when i was not doing NC, and recommended it to my ex, and he downloaded it as well, because he had abandonment issues with his father bailing on him as a kid. it is a great book.

 

and yes, i am proud of you for taking back the reins and not waiting on him to make the decision. you weren't happy, and he wasn't emotionally there, you have every right to walk away, and i think it is awesome, of course now you have to be very strong, and do NC. Don't let him manipulate you just so he can have the last word, or try to re string your heart. This guy has played with you, and is emotionally abusive. avoid him completely. he may try to call now, to see if you are serious, don't answer, don't give him the satisfaction. you made the decision, don't let him take that away from you.

 

You go, Nan! *hugs* *claps*

 

I will not answer the phone if he calls. Right now he won't call anyway. Now he thinks i'm bluffing, and will break down in a couple of hours/days and start bombarding him with texts and phone calls. But I also think that he's a little confused because that last text I sent him sounds NOTHING like something I would normally say (because it's not lol).

 

He may never call me back, and it hurts to think I will never see his face again. But I'm telling you, he made me feel like a dog. I was completely beaten down, pathetically grateful for any crumb of attention he threw my way. Even to the point of him dating women behind my back and instead of being sorry, he acted like I drove him to it!!! For months now, I have been in a constant state of anxiety because of his mind games. I will never let him hurt me or use me again. If I got back together with him, how could he possibly have any respect for me?

 

I will never, never again let anybody make me feel like I'm less than a human, and that's exactly how it feels when somebody refuses to acknowledge you exist. I would rather spend my whole life alone. Ironically, it was his ignoring me, that made me terrified to text him, because I was afraid I would lose control of myself when he didn't answer. The method he was using to dehumanize me and keep me like a slave backfired on him.

 

You were one of the posters I thought of that really called me out whenever I tried to convince myself that he was a great guy and everything was my fault,and if only I could be more of a door-mat everything would be OK. So thank you jennisfora!

 

That book, described EXACTLY how I was feeling, every emotion. And when it said that it was not only normal, but necessary I just felt so much relief.Also, some of the case studies in that book made me think that there are people who have been married for 50 years, and here I am acting like my relationship, where we were together for only 4 years, and haven't even seen each other in 10 years......was fate and destiny. Why? Because he found me on facebook after all these years? OMG I am such a rube, people find each other on facebook every day!! So once I was able to stop feeling like this relationship was meant to be, I stopped fighting for it. we're just 2 people and it was just a normal relationship nothing less, nothing more.

[daisy088]

This is the healthiest Ive heard you sound Nan!! Wow! Youre doing great!

 

I hope youll stay strong when (not if) he starts realizing youre growing and taking responsibility for your life. It helps to go out and take a walk, dont bring your phone with you, just get out of the house and into the outdoors if possible. Clear your mind.

 

Say: if I still REALLY want to respond tomorrow, I can. but Im going to really think things through for today. He wont disappear in a day, and that time to cool off and be rational will prevent you from making bad decisions (I hope!).

 

Congratulations!

[nanbullen]

This is the healthiest Ive heard you sound Nan!! Wow! Youre doing great!

 

I hope youll stay strong when (not if) he starts realizing youre growing and taking responsibility for your life. It helps to go out and take a walk, dont bring your phone with you, just get out of the house and into the outdoors if possible. Clear your mind.

 

Say: if I still REALLY want to respond tomorrow, I can. but Im going to really think things through for today. He wont disappear in a day, and that time to cool off and be rational will prevent you from making bad decisions (I hope!).

 

Congratulations!

 

Thanks Daisy, I feel better. I felt so much worse when I felt like I didn't have any control over anything. I still have a lot time where I feel really bad, and miss him so much, but it's not as overwhelming as it was before. The way I look at it, is I would feel miserable and miss him either way. At least this way he doesn't get the satisfaction of thinking he's in control of me and i'm sitting around going crazy because I have no idea if or when he'll call me. I'm telling you, ignoring somebody while they are practically begging and pleading for days is mental abuse. He gets off on power-tripping, and this took the wind right out of his sails.

 

I honestly don't think he's going to contact me anytime soon. He was obviously trying to get some "space" to pursue this new relationship, without completely severing all ties with me, in case things don't work out with her. And now that he thinks he may have pushed me too far, he has to wait until enough time has passed for me to cool off. Or until the honeymoon stage of his new relationship fades. But by that time I'll be with someone else.

 

Most likely, I DID push him away with my insecurity and neediness. I'm not saying he didn't do anything wrong. He did! But in his mind he didn't. So it's very possible that he'll never contact me again. Besides we live in separate states, so i'm not going to run into him anywhere.

 

If I want to respond, all I have to do is come to LS and look up my old posts that I wrote when I was practically hysterical. That will remind me why I will never let him hurt me like that again.

[jennisfora]

i doubt you've heard the last of him, Nan. I think you are right, now he still thinks you are bluffing, when he realizes you are serious, he is going to make an attempt to regain control, because that is what it is about for him. Don't let him. be strong. *hugs*

[nanbullen]

i doubt you've heard the last of him, Nan. I think you are right, now he still thinks you are bluffing, when he realizes you are serious, he is going to make an attempt to regain control, because that is what it is about for him. Don't let him. be strong. *hugs*

 

You know what feels so good? For the first time in months I am not walking around obsessively waiting for the phone to ring, unable to think about anything else. Now i don't expect him to call. But that's not the best part. The best part is he knows i'm not waiting for him to call. He knows that he no longer has the power to ruin my day or to make my day. For an abuser (even mental abuser), they need to abuse because it makes them feel powerful and in control. Now he doesn't have me to kick around anymore, he still has that need. I have a feeling the honeymoon period of his new relationship is going to end real quick.

[Mindfr3ak]

Way to go!Thats the spirit!

You have done a great thing for yourself,and you should be proud!Just continue like this and you should be fine in no time.

And one more thing,i doubt that he wont be back.He will try to regain his power again,but dont allow him to do that this time!

[sweetheart5381]

Way to go!Thats the spirit!

You have done a great thing for yourself,and you should be proud!Just continue like this and you should be fine in no time.

And one more thing,i doubt that he wont be back.He will try to regain his power again,but dont allow him to do that this time!

 

You have far more power than you know!

 

Love it, embrace it.

 

Don't let an alpha dude get you down. My ex is a power freak (didnt see it til we broke up, the way he did it, observations, etc... I was in love bahahaha). Truth is, all of my exes are and I wont play the game anymore.

 

Funny, the dudes that most want power are the ones that don't feel that they have enough... insecure people at the core. Meek, sad little creatures that prey on those with more personal power than themselves.

 

Show your security in yourself. Be you and **** anyone that gets in your way.

 

We get one chance here... not worth wasting time on someone that wants to own and play with you, rather than love you.

[nanbullen]

You have far more power than you know!

 

Love it, embrace it.

 

Don't let an alpha dude get you down. My ex is a power freak (didnt see it til we broke up, the way he did it, observations, etc... I was in love bahahaha). Truth is, all of my exes are and I wont play the game anymore.

 

Funny, the dudes that most want power are the ones that don't feel that they have enough... insecure people at the core. Meek, sad little creatures that prey on those with more personal power than themselves.

 

Show your security in yourself. Be you and **** anyone that gets in your way.

 

We get one chance here... not worth wasting time on someone that wants to own and play with you, rather than love you.

 

Yes he’s an alpha dude. But I told myself that’s what I like. The strong, silent, take charge kind of guy. And that is what I am attracted to, and there’s nothing wrong with that, or with being an alpha male.

 

But I was excusing everything he did by saying well that’s the way he is, and isn’t it great how he’s so strong and in charge. In a sick way even his controlling was attractive to me. I guess it made me feel secure or protected or something. Well let me tell you, he sure hasn’t made me feel secure lately. What I did was I confused alpha with being insecure and needing to control someone to build themselves up….just like you said. My ex turned out to be the opposite of what I thought he was. He’s weak, and he’s working overtime trying to prove to himself he’s not.

 

I still think about him, the way he was in the good times, and I just can’t stop the tears. But, I don’t feel as overwhelmed with grief as I did. And I know every week will get better. Taking some power back has really turned me around. I feel more in control of the situation, not because I think I can make him come back to me, but because I feel more in control of myself and my feelings. If it makes any sense, I feel like I can count on me to protect myself, and I’m strong enough to not allow him to hurt me anymore.

 

Since we live so far apart now, the phone was the only way he had to control me. That’s it. He can’t get mad about how I dress, he can’t yell at me over some household BS, he can’t bitch about my friends, can’t accuse me of cheating, can’t give any verbal/nonverbal clues that he’s upset….The ONLY thing he had was the ability to ignore me or not. And now I took it away from him. And I have all the power. And he knows it, he hates it, and he can’t do anything to get it back.

 

Also, I’m confident that his need to control is still there, and I have no doubt that need has to find an outlet.

[nanbullen]

Way to go!Thats the spirit!

You have done a great thing for yourself,and you should be proud!Just continue like this and you should be fine in no time.

And one more thing,i doubt that he wont be back.He will try to regain his power again,but dont allow him to do that this time!

 

Yeah right. I think my days of being a security blanket for him are over. If he does try to come back I have no intention of talking to him. Let's see how he likes being ignored. I am so done with this POS.

[geegirl]

Yeah right. I think my days of being a security blanket for him are over. If he does try to come back I have no intention of talking to him. Let's see how he likes being ignored. I am so done with this POS.

 

Good for you Nan! Yeah...get mad! It helps with keeping things in perspective!

[nanbullen]

Why can’t I just stay mad? If anybody else treated me like that I would be mad at them and that would be it. I don’t understand it. I think I am just having a bad day. Its overcast and I miss him and today I just do not hate him.

 

I teeny little part of me simply can’t accept that I will never talk to him again. I read these posts here from people who haven’t heard from their ex’s for like 6 months… and I just feel so freaking hopeless. I wish I knew what he was doing or thinking. We live in separate states so I have NO IDEA what he’s doing if he’s seeing anybody….he might get married for all I know. I wonder if he will just forget me….he hasn’t in all these years. But maybe now he realized he doesn’t love me. Even if he does call me, it could be in another 10 years…..he thinks he can call me and I will come running anytime. Because that’s what I’ve done. So he doesn’t feel it’s necessary to keep in contact as “friends” until he decides he wants me back. I hope I don’t spend the rest of my life hoping and waiting, yet dreading his call, because he’s done it so many times before. The only bright spot is I have no desire at all to call him. I deleted all his contact info again. It’s not because I’m afraid of temptation…it’s because when I’d see his name, email, #, etc., it's a trigger, and I feel really bad. So at least I won’t be humiliating myself any more than I already have by calling or texting him.

 

I don’t even know why I’m posting this. I should be focusing on hating him. I guess I’m just having a bad day. Time is crawling by. This day seems like it will never ever end…and the idea that the next one will be just as long is so depressing....i’m so blah.

[jennisfora]

there were things you liked about him, and you had some good times. so it is natural to not hate him all the time. just remind yourself that the bad times outweighed the good, and that it was never about love on his end, but control. because someone obsessed with control does not love themselves, and they certainly cannot love anyone else.

 

it really is his loss, he is a fool, and he hates himself deep down. being alone can be scary, but it really is better than being with a self absorbed jerk. you are strong. tell yourself this over and over if you have to. *hugs*

[Gulf-Delta]

Why can’t I just stay mad? If anybody else treated me like that I would be mad at them and that would be it. I don’t understand it. I think I am just having a bad day. Its overcast and I miss him and today I just do not hate him.

 

I teeny little part of me simply can’t accept that I will never talk to him again. I read these posts here from people who haven’t heard from their ex’s for like 6 months… and I just feel so freaking hopeless. I wish I knew what he was doing or thinking. We live in separate states so I have NO IDEA what he’s doing if he’s seeing anybody….he might get married for all I know. I wonder if he will just forget me….he hasn’t in all these years. But maybe now he realized he doesn’t love me. Even if he does call me, it could be in another 10 years…..he thinks he can call me and I will come running anytime. Because that’s what I’ve done. So he doesn’t feel it’s necessary to keep in contact as “friends” until he decides he wants me back. I hope I don’t spend the rest of my life hoping and waiting, yet dreading his call, because he’s done it so many times before. The only bright spot is I have no desire at all to call him. I deleted all his contact info again. It’s not because I’m afraid of temptation…it’s because when I’d see his name, email, #, etc., it's a trigger, and I feel really bad. So at least I won’t be humiliating myself any more than I already have by calling or texting him.

 

I don’t even know why I’m posting this. I should be focusing on hating him. I guess I’m just having a bad day. Time is crawling by. This day seems like it will never ever end…and the idea that the next one will be just as long is so depressing....i’m so blah.

 

I'm sorry to hear this. I'm having similar feelings.

 

It sucks. I'm still in denial...might always be.

[nanbullen]

there were things you liked about him, and you had some good times. so it is natural to not hate him all the time. just remind yourself that the bad times outweighed the good, and that it was never about love on his end, but control. because someone obsessed with control does not love themselves, and they certainly cannot love anyone else.

 

it really is his loss, he is a fool, and he hates himself deep down. being alone can be scary, but it really is better than being with a self absorbed jerk. you are strong. tell yourself this over and over if you have to. *hugs*

 

That's the thing. I know I could never trust him and I know he doesn't respect me. I would be living in a constant state of anxiety, worried about him breaking up with me, or just all of a sudden disappearing. And i can't forget the ignoring me for days at a time. If,say, I have a bad day at work and I want to talk to him....I can't even call him without putting my pride on the line....because he may not bother to respond. What the h*** kind of joke of a relationship is that? Seriously?

 

It upsets me because i thought he was different, I never would have thought he would do this to me. I thought I could talk to him about anything. I thought we were soul-mates. I obviously can't trust my instincts. I will never trust a man again. Not that I trusted them up till now.

[Gulf-Delta]

That's the thing. I know I could never trust him and I know he doesn't respect me. I would be living in a constant state of anxiety, worried about him breaking up with me, or just all of a sudden disappearing. And i can't forget the ignoring me for days at a time. If,say, I have a bad day at work and I want to talk to him....I can't even call him without putting my pride on the line....because he may not bother to respond. What the h*** kind of joke of a relationship is that? Seriously?

 

It upsets me because i thought he was different, I never would have thought he would do this to me. I thought I could talk to him about anything. I thought we were soul-mates. I obviously can't trust my instincts. I will never trust a man again. Not that I trusted them up till now.

 

:/

 

What I've come to realize is the saying "ex's are ex's for a reason" can be applied to being in love too. Ex's become ex's because they hurt you, but (abusive relationships aside, etc) you also loved them because of [insert reason]. And most likely, your ex(s) still have the same qualities you loved them for and that's why it's hard to get over them.

 

While my ex certainly wasn't as "mean" (?) as yours, I still feel the same way. She has an amazing "normal" side, but she also has her faults, though they aren't malicious or evil...just naive. Her normal side is the reason I don't wanna leave her for good. But the "bad" side is there too.