primalkona Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 ok, I get it... supposedly my need for my Fiance to tell me I'm Sexy, or Beautiful... or even attractive is due to my insecurities... but what if I am not insecure? I had been struggling with my weight and appearance most of my adult life and then a few years ago, something amazing happened, I fell in love with myself, made several life changes, lost weight, became active and healthy... I get compliments from lots of people... however, the only one I would die to hear "You're sexy" from is my Fiance. In our three years, he has never once told me I'm sexy or beautiful. I've confronted him on it several times, explaining how it hurts me, he says he's sorry, and that in the past he was with "attention needy" women so he feels uncomfortable giving compliments. I don't know what to do... Admittedly, this issue is beginning to make me insecure and feel less sexy, and is affecting our sex life since his lack of emotion is "turning me off" - and I do not want to go back down that road of losing my confidence. I really would love to hear what any men have to say about this... I really have never felt better about myself, outside my home...I understand that insecurity is super-unattractive to men...and anyone of my friends would tell you I am very confident (in the work-place and socially), that I am not a jealous person at all, I can definitely appreciate beautiful women and love to compliment my fiance often. Please help and I will appreciate any feedback and views...
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 That must be frustrating. Do you compliment him? Hmm Does he give you a lot of physical attention? What does he pay attention to the most when he does? He probably likes that, and it should say more than words do.
TigerCub Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 (edited) Oh Primalkona!! This is amazing! I was just reading about stuff like that - I'm gonna tell you about my experience with it, and maybe this will help. I've been with my bf for 1.5 years, and he's not very verbally complementary. We actually just went over this again ,and it was really hurtful and frustrating to me too. It so isn't an insecurity or I need validation issue. I just couldn't get why all these guys hit on me, different people, friends, family, strangers compliment me, but he isn't so external with his compliments. I actually read this 2 days ago. It turns out to be more about Introvert vs. Extraverts. I read that Introverted people are a lot more internal about their thoughts and their processes and when it comes to relationships (a few links did mention) how introverts SHOW rather than TELL how they feel towards someone. In my case, this has been very true. My bf is the flowers for no reason guy, the come over I'll make you dinner and take you out later, we have good sex, he likes fixing things for me, he's there for me whenever I need and even if I don't need him, I know he'll be there and he does care. So when I read more about how Introverts and Extraverts express themselves differently, I really decided to just care more about his way of expressing things. Don't get me wrong, we all love to hear nice things about ourselves, especially if its from the one we love, but I think its also important to put more value on their actions. After I did that reading, my bf and I are committing to reading about the other person's "type" in an effort to better understand: a. how the other operates and b. what the other needs and how we can meet half way and try to accommodate. I'm not sure if all this applies to you, because you said that he never compliments. My bf, does, but not way too often and he does sweet things to make up for it. But if your bf is an introvert, it might be worthwhile to do some reading on that, and maybe try the approach my bf and I are gonna try. If everything else is good in your R with the bf, then it might be worth it. I completely understand where you're coming from and I just think its so amazing, that I was JUST going through that in my R. Good luck ETA: sorry, your Fiance not boyfriend Also, I never thought that the diff between Introverts and Extraverts would matter, but apparently (according to what I read), it really does matter a lot in terms of how we process info and express ourselves. Edited May 4, 2012 by TigerCub 1
stillafool Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I agree. I think parents should stop telling their daughters they are "pretty" and start telling them how "smart", "clever", and "talented" they are instead. 1
Author primalkona Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 Thanks everyone for a lot of valid points... "Why do you need your fiancé (or anyone for that matter) to tell you you're sexy or beautiful? More importantly, why on earth would someone not saying this cause you to lose confidence? " Here's the difference between Al and I, he LOVES to be complimented. anytime we have gone anywhere in public, he is the center of everyone's world. He's a past Model and body-builder, and handsome as they come. I am very lucky to be so attracted to him... the problem is, that who WOULDN'T want to be "raised" up by the man in their lives?? If he's having a bad day due to work, and he's feeling unworthy, I do my best to make his day better - "Al, you are a true genius at work, don't let anyone tell you different!" The point of having a person in your life is to be your "compliment" your "other half", We have been together for over three years and not once, has he told me I'm sexy...It's a turn on for most women I know to be appreciated by the men in their lives. Al LOVES to be complimented..and gets them every day from me and the people around us...He has such a strong presence about him that commands attention...He's a Leo. He's very prideful and loves material items, image is extremely important to him. Me, on the other hand... am emotional and could care less for material things. I guess I explain this about him because I'm exploring the idea about Introvert/Extrovert. I myself, feel beautiful, and don't "need" anyone to compliment me to make me feel beautiful, however, wouldn't you wonder why the man in your life of three years would ask to marry you when he has issues regarding being complimented and being the center of attention himself and cannot express emotion?? I guess that's my main issue - Al loves to be the center of attention, loves to be complimented, just seems like it should be a normal part of a relationship to compliment each other... Who wouldn't lose some confidence when the man in your life refuses to tell you how he is attracted to you?
Author primalkona Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 Also, "Again, someone who craves validation is setting themselves up for BIG problems. Even if your fiancé showered you with compliments, you'd be looking for someone else to give you attention once he slowed all the attention down. You'd never be happy - always looking for a "fix" to feed your insecurities." I am not insecure, again, I will tell you this... I am a 35 year old, healthy, attractive woman... I have a successful clothing line, amazing friends, and I live in Hawaii - I built everything from the ground up. I learned who I would become from my past...it never made me weak... I learned how to appreciate all experiences. I'm not looking for him to SHOWER me with compliments, but I think it's reasonable to compliment someone at least a COUPLE of times in three years of relationship. Don't you agree???
threebyfate Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 You might want to google the "Five Languages of Love", take the test and then learn more about it. As far as your fiance's reasoning for refusing to give compliments, sounds like he's got some insecurities too so I'm uncertain why people are haranguing you about your insecurities without holding him just as responsible. I'd stop complimenting him and see how he reacts. If he complains just give him back his own "there are so many attention whoring men out there that it makes me uncomfortable to compliment you. I used to make a supreme effort because I love you but since you refuse to reciprocate, it's only fair that I don't need to, either.". 4
firehawk_1 Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 i think the problem is simple. you have each other. no need to "win" each other. if he didnt love you or find you attractive, you would not be engaged. but you are engaged. I think that alot of people these days are far up themselves and when a person compliments them, they have this attitude of "yeh, I know - tell me something I dont know" - and he maybe afraid of complimenting you because it may not mean anything at all to you. i think you are being a little unreasonable here and a bit demanding.... the fact is, you are both engaged. you have been together for quite some time. Come on - does that not say enough??
Author primalkona Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 Mahalos ThreebyFate - He has had a very tough past, as tough as mine, just opposite the spectrum... And I agree, he should reciprocate... relationships should be about give and take... Mahalos!! Why is it that when a woman wants to be complimented, she's called insecure? But if a man commands attention, it's called confidence? 1
findingnemo Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 I too think it's a difference in love languages. Look into that. On another note, I wouldn't put beauty over brains. While many people keep telling my children how good they look, I keep countering that with how important it is to be clever, hard working, honest, etc. But I get it. It makes no sense to be in a serious R with someone who doesn't find you sexy. I mean, what's the point? It's not like it matters if the rest of the world finds me sexy. It doesn't.
Author primalkona Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 i think you are being a little unreasonable here and a bit demanding.... the fact is, you are both engaged. you have been together for quite some time. Come on - does that not say enough?? I want to clear this up... I don't need to be complimented all the time... I'm asking for ONCE. He has NEVER EVER complimented me... also, we have been engaged for over a year with no set date, no plans. When I bring it up, he falls asleep. This man is 10 years older than me and NEEDS TO BE COMPLIMENTED ON A REGULAR BASIS AND ASKS FOR IT OFTEN. "Don't you think this shirt looks great on me?" "Don't you think I would be perfect for this part?" "Didn't I do a great job on my jeep?" "all the girls at the Harley Shop were asking about my jeep" This is the norm for him... it never bothered me until he refused to compliment me back, when asked "do you like this dress or this one on me?" he says "uh" - which tells me he's not interested in what I look like. It bothers me Firehawk that you would think me unreasonable. I don't need my ego stroked, I have a clothing line to help me with my Ego. I want the man in my life to verbally express "why" he loves me.
Author primalkona Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 So now you're saying he's a validation seeker just like you? That he EXPECTS compliments from you too? In any case, I cannot imagine having to be responsible for feeding and maintaining another person's ego. He needs validation MORE than I do. If I needed it so much, I wouldn't be simply asking for one compliment. It's funny to me how posting the question, "why won't he compliment me?" made everything turn on me, and how I'm a validation seeker, and unreasonable, and insecure... It really wouldn't bother ANYONE else if your spouse or significant other NEVER gave you any words of encouragement or complimented you??
PlumPrincess Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 You might want to google the "Five Languages of Love", take the test and then learn more about it. As far as your fiance's reasoning for refusing to give compliments, sounds like he's got some insecurities too so I'm uncertain why people are haranguing you about your insecurities without holding him just as responsible. I'd stop complimenting him and see how he reacts. If he complains just give him back his own "there are so many attention whoring men out there that it makes me uncomfortable to compliment you. I used to make a supreme effort because I love you but since you refuse to reciprocate, it's only fair that I don't need to, either.". I don't think it's insecurity, just because you want your partner to say something nice about you. And regardless of what someone's prefered love language is, I'd assume that people who care for their partner would do something nice once in a while that matters to their partner.
Author primalkona Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 What's the point of being with someone for the rest of your life if they don't encourage you to do your best, feel your best, love yourself and trust??? Seriously.
threebyfate Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 Chill primalkona. Reacting in angry bold will only increase the negativity. Everyone needs some validation from their partners. My bull**** flag goes down for people who claim not to need any positive attention from their partners, that is...if they even have partners to speak of. 1
threebyfate Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 I don't think it's insecurity, just because you want your partner to say something nice about you. And regardless of what someone's prefered love language is, I'd assume that people who care for their partner would do something nice once in a while that matters to their partner.I agree that everyone needs some validation from their partners. But in this situation, there are elements of insecurity on both sides based on what's expressed within the opening post. To offset, anyone who claims not to have any insecurities at all is either not terribly self-aware or has some serious denial defense mechanisms.
Author primalkona Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 I don't think it's insecurity, just because you want your partner to say something nice about you. And regardless of what someone's prefered love language is, I'd assume that people who care for their partner would do something nice once in a while that matters to their partner. Thank you! We did do that Love Language Test, and found out quite a bit! I appreciated that he was willing to do it. We learned that we are completely different... interesting.
Author primalkona Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 I agree that everyone needs some validation from their partners. But in this situation, there are elements of insecurity on both sides based on what's expressed within the opening post. To offset, anyone who claims not to have any insecurities at all is either not terribly self-aware or has some serious denial defense mechanisms. I agree! I'm not saying I have no insecurities at all, we both do, I'm just saying that that is not the reason I would like my Fiance to pay me a compliment for once in our relationship.
Author primalkona Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 Chill primalkona. Reacting in angry bold will only increase the negativity. Everyone needs some validation from their partners. My bull**** flag goes down for people who claim not to need any positive attention from their partners, that is...if they even have partners to speak of. Sorry. I wasn't meaning to use angry bold... I LOVE your comment "My BS flag goes down for people who claim... " Thanks!
firehawk_1 Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 I want to clear this up... I don't need to be complimented all the time... I'm asking for ONCE. He has NEVER EVER complimented me... . ok so why are you with him? surely one of the things to do when "winning" or "whooing" someone is just that... complimenting. but apperently these days, women dont like compliments - they just act all full of themselves "yeh i know im good looking/sexy...." - this type of attitude. so why should people bother complimenting given this? im sure he has complimented you at one point or another. and its not a game or a score keep of who needs more validation than whoever else.... its not a game or a competition or showing who is insecure. putting people down when they are insecure is certainly not mature and uncalled for too (not saying you did). its about being together, connecting - not about looks. not all about sex either. sorry if you cannot take on things being said from the angle people see it. no one is going to agree with you 100% - thats life.
PlumPrincess Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 I want to clear this up... I don't need to be complimented all the time... I'm asking for ONCE. He has NEVER EVER complimented me... also, we have been engaged for over a year with no set date, no plans. When I bring it up, he falls asleep. This man is 10 years older than me and NEEDS TO BE COMPLIMENTED ON A REGULAR BASIS AND ASKS FOR IT OFTEN. "Don't you think this shirt looks great on me?" "Don't you think I would be perfect for this part?" "Didn't I do a great job on my jeep?" "all the girls at the Harley Shop were asking about my jeep" This is the norm for him... it never bothered me until he refused to compliment me back, when asked "do you like this dress or this one on me?" he says "uh" - which tells me he's not interested in what I look like. It bothers me Firehawk that you would think me unreasonable. I don't need my ego stroked, I have a clothing line to help me with my Ego. I want the man in my life to verbally express "why" he loves me. Just based on this description of him and the relationship I'd assume that you're wasting your time. (Sometimes I wonder if my tolerance threshold is too low and I have too many expectations or if other people have really bad people picker. )
Author primalkona Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 ok so why are you with him? surely one of the things to do when "winning" or "whooing" someone is just that... complimenting. but apperently these days, women dont like compliments - they just act all full of themselves "yeh i know im good looking/sexy...." - this type of attitude. so why should people bother complimenting given this? im sure he has complimented you at one point or another. and its not a game or a score keep of who needs more validation than whoever else.... its not a game or a competition or showing who is insecure. putting people down when they are insecure is certainly not mature and uncalled for too (not saying you did). its about being together, connecting - not about looks. not all about sex either. sorry if you cannot take on things being said from the angle people see it. no one is going to agree with you 100% - thats life. I agree, there will never be a 100% everyone agrees... I'm ok with that. I do see other views and angles. I will say that, He doesn't compliment... and when we started dating, we didn't woo each other... He has never taken me out to dinner... He doesn't like to eat out... We don't go to events, he doesn't like crowds... and even though we don't like to do much of the same thing, he is perfectly ok with me doing the things I like to do with my friends. And even if he never does compliment me, I will continue to compliment him because it's who I am... I love to make people smile. And that's ok.
threebyfate Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 I agree, there will never be a 100% everyone agrees... I'm ok with that. I do see other views and angles. I will say that, He doesn't compliment... and when we started dating, we didn't woo each other... He has never taken me out to dinner... He doesn't like to eat out... We don't go to events, he doesn't like crowds... and even though we don't like to do much of the same thing, he is perfectly ok with me doing the things I like to do with my friends. And even if he never does compliment me, I will continue to compliment him because it's who I am... I love to make people smile. And that's ok.What are you getting from this relationship? Sounds like he's a negative nelly and you're doing all the work.
threebyfate Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 Based on what she wrote, this is all he's got going for him and it isn't much.I'd prefer to wait for her to express what he's providing to her beyond the superficial traits listed, in that relationships should be give and take.
PlumPrincess Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 I'd prefer to wait for her to express what he's providing to her beyond the superficial traits listed, in that relationships should be give and take. It's still possible that he is a good partner?
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