beenburned Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I have noticed several WS's tell how they introduced their AP to family and friends. I am curious just how they were introduced: only as a friend (lie), or as their boyfriend/girlfriend(truth)?
stillwater Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I have noticed several WS's tell how they introduced their AP to family and friends. I am curious just how they were introduced: only as a friend (lie), or as their boyfriend/girlfriend(truth)? I was introduced to her parents as a friend. To her siblings as bf. To her friends as "the one I should have married".
Summer Breeze Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I knew a few of his relatives and friends long before the A. Once we were involved it was clear we were and everyone accepted it. When I met his mother she did it for us. Summer so you're the one he talks so much about. She made us a snack, sent him away and we had a serious talk. I got the good, the bad, and the ugly. She wasn't happy about us but was less happy that her son and his W were both miserable and wouldn't either fix it or end it. She still sends me a Christmas card and we met for dinner a year ago. Our first dday was caused by his mother and sister telling his BS.
Bellechica Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 My exAP was already an acquaintance to my friends and family and had been in our home for parties. He was a co-worker friend long before the A and an acquaintance to my H.
SoMovinOn Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 My family already knew her from years ago. When they met her again now, it was as my GF, that we were "back together". My friends, I introduce her as my GF.
findingnemo Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 I was introduced to family and friends by name only, no title but it was clear what was going on. I've maintained those connections and it took a while but they've finally stopped calling me xMM's gf. He and I never used those terms but he never wanted me to pretend to be just a friend.
Author beenburned Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 Thanks for all the replies! I was curious if the truth was told to family/friends. As a BW, I would have been terribly hurt if my FIL,MIL,SIL, or BIL had met any of my H's OW. (even if he had lied about her being just a friend) It just seems like a deliberate and unnecessary stab in the back by the family and H. I can't imagine a parent being O.K. with this situation.(if the person is married) What was the purpose in doing this? Simply spending more time together? I guess it might be different if the MM/OW were separated and had filed for divorce. 1
Summer Breeze Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 Thanks for all the replies! I was curious if the truth was told to family/friends. As a BW, I would have been terribly hurt if my FIL,MIL,SIL, or BIL had met any of my H's OW. (even if he had lied about her being just a friend) It just seems like a deliberate and unnecessary stab in the back by the family and H. I can't imagine a parent being O.K. with this situation.(if the person is married) What was the purpose in doing this? Simply spending more time together? I guess it might be different if the MM/OW were separated and had filed for divorce. I think you'd have to ask a WS what the purpose was.
Radagast Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 I have noticed several WS's tell how they introduced their AP to family and friends. I am curious just how they were introduced: only as a friend (lie), or as their boyfriend/girlfriend(truth)? I had told them about the affair, they'd asked to meet her, so they were introduced in that context. 1
Radagast Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 Thanks for all the replies! I was curious if the truth was told to family/friends. As a BW, I would have been terribly hurt if my FIL,MIL,SIL, or BIL had met any of my H's OW. (even if he had lied about her being just a friend) It just seems like a deliberate and unnecessary stab in the back by the family and H. I can't imagine a parent being O.K. with this situation.(if the person is married) What was the purpose in doing this? Simply spending more time together? I guess it might be different if the MM/OW were separated and had filed for divorce. My family wanted to meet her, that was the purpose. She made me happy and they wanted to meet the woman who made me happy. From my side, I loved her, I loved my family and friends and I wanted to share the people I loved with each other. It means a lot to me that they love each other and that I am closer to my family as a result. 1
woinlove Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 Thanks for all the replies! I was curious if the truth was told to family/friends. As a BW, I would have been terribly hurt if my FIL,MIL,SIL, or BIL had met any of my H's OW. (even if he had lied about her being just a friend) It just seems like a deliberate and unnecessary stab in the back by the family and H. I can't imagine a parent being O.K. with this situation.(if the person is married) What was the purpose in doing this? Simply spending more time together? I guess it might be different if the MM/OW were separated and had filed for divorce. I agree with your take on this. I wasn't introduced during the A and I would wonder about family and friends that would go along with the deception. Later, when he was separated and divorcing, everything was out in the open, and I was introduced. The point then is that we had transitioned to an R that was not hidden, although I'm sure some had their own opinions about the fact that we started out as a secret A. I don't really know much about that as I ended it not too long afterward. 1
Author beenburned Posted May 6, 2012 Author Posted May 6, 2012 wo, That is exactly what I was referring to. When a divorce is in the works, I could see the MM/OW gradually being introduced to family/friends as their future partner/spouse. But what I have trouble understanding is people deliberately bringing their affair partner into family/friends gatherings, and posing them to everyone as just a friend.(deliberately lying)
Author beenburned Posted May 6, 2012 Author Posted May 6, 2012 nemo, You were introduced as XMM's GF to his family/friends?
Author beenburned Posted May 6, 2012 Author Posted May 6, 2012 Radagast, You were getting a divorce already by that time, correct?
Author beenburned Posted May 6, 2012 Author Posted May 6, 2012 SMO, You were already in the process of divorce, correct?
Radagast Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 Radagast, You were getting a divorce already by that time, correct? No. This was before.
MoneyWorld Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 I introduced my affair partner to my family and friends as my girlfriend right from the start, and she introduced me to her family and friends as her boyfriend. I believe that both of our families and friends thought we were each in very bad marraiges and were hopeful that the relationship we were building together would help each of us. Turns out that it did and we've been happily ever after ever since. My ex wasn't a bad person, though my family never really liked her - probably because they saw how toxic our relationship was and took my side even though there really shouldn't have been a side to take; we were both equally to blame for how bad things were. We were just oil and water. My wife's ex on the other hand, he just was a plain old bad person evidenced by jail time both before and after my wife and he were married as well as all kinds of other indicators. 1
Spark1111 Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 I have noticed several WS's tell how they introduced their AP to family and friends. I am curious just how they were introduced: only as a friend (lie), or as their boyfriend/girlfriend(truth)? Ugh! he introduced her to no one, other than his "friend" from work. About a year into the relationship, she started to press him about where the relationship was going. He mentioned her as his work colleague to his oldest sister at the same time he started to complain about me and the marriage to her. Her response: Go get counseling and make up your mind. This is soooooo unfair to Spark. Three months later (right before dday) he mentions "his friend" again to his sister and she immediately responds: You STILL haven't gone to counseling? WHAT are you doing????????????????" When I discovered this conversation after dday, my first reponse was 'I am happy he had someone to talk to in his lonely confusion.' My young adult children saw it very differently, especially my eldest firstborn, who was angry. "She never picked up the phone and told you? You have been HER family for the last 25 years. She (her aunt) did not respect you enough to lay down an ultimatum to him, and call you and inform you?" Mmmm.....no. Yet after Dday, she worked tirelessly for us to reconcile (I was now adamant not to.) So, I love and accept this SIL for her attempts to straighten her brother out, to protect me, and then to convince me to reconcile (maybe out of guilt). But, in her silence and protection of him, the damage was done. My children will never view her the same way, That was their blood, their aunt, who they had on a pedestal......and in her silence and keeping of secrets to their mother, they now will always think "less" of her. So sad! Be careful of who you think you are protecting, because in doing so, in not being honest and forthright, you may alienate the very people who love you the most.
Got it Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 I have noticed several WS's tell how they introduced their AP to family and friends. I am curious just how they were introduced: only as a friend (lie), or as their boyfriend/girlfriend(truth)? He was introduced on my side truthfully. I was introduced on his side after seperation but they were aware that I was the OP. They were very supportive of me. They did not have a good relationship with his ex wife and never had much involvement/connection. I currently have a very good relationship with his mother and his siblings. 1
cocorico Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 I have noticed several WS's tell how they introduced their AP to family and friends. I am curious just how they were introduced: only as a friend (lie), or as their boyfriend/girlfriend(truth)? I was introduced as his Love
Radagast Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 He was introduced on my side truthfully. I was introduced on his side after seperation but they were aware that I was the OP. They were very supportive of me. They did not have a good relationship with his ex wife and never had much involvement/connection. I currently have a very good relationship with his mother and his siblings. My ex-wife had also never had a good relationship with my friends or my family and she did not come with me when I went to see them. They were also most welcoming of my wife. I do think those factors are related.
Author beenburned Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 Do you feel like if the parents were former cheaters(in the past), they would be more willing to meet/accept an affair partner of their own child?
Radagast Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Do you feel like if the parents were former cheaters(in the past), they would be more willing to meet/accept an affair partner of their own child? It's possible I guess. But I would suspect that the relative weight parents give to personal relationships compared to moral absolutism would have more of an impact. Those parents who care more about their children than their own sense of right or wrong being offended would in my opinion be more likely to welcome a partner that made their child happy whether or not there was a residual marriage certificate complicating matters. 2
Summer Breeze Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 It's possible I guess. But I would suspect that the relative weight parents give to personal relationships compared to moral absolutism would have more of an impact. Those parents who care more about their children than their own sense of right or wrong being offended would in my opinion be more likely to welcome a partner that made their child happy whether or not there was a residual marriage certificate complicating matters. I think I'd be like Seren if my daughter were seeing someone who was M. I think I'd be like my MMs mother if it was her who was M. I would not judge and cast out my own kid but I'd make my feelings known and I probably would step into the middle of it. 1
Got it Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Do you feel like if the parents were former cheaters(in the past), they would be more willing to meet/accept an affair partner of their own child? I guess in some cases but not in my case. The parent I told the whole history to and knew and met dMM while we were still in the EMR was actually the BS early in my parents marriage. In his case, no his mother was not a WS. The relationship with the spouse and the health of the marriage can play a factor especially if there are children. Like Radagast's cause, both sides viewed things very similar. His mother knew the marriage was bad for a number of years and knew he was there for the kids solely.
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