Almost 6 months. Bleh...

[Exit]

For a while there I wasn't even able to put a timestamp on my progress because I hadn't been paying attention to when exactly things had broken down. Only upon finding a picture on my camera from one of our last nights together was I able to figure out what day that was, and thus when we broke up, and how long we've now been apart.

 

In a little less than a week it'll be 6 months. I feel like the cycling though the stages of grief has pretty much come to an end. The spin cycle has stopped and now I'm just here, existing. Denial, bargaining, anger, acceptance, whatever the rest of stages are, I think I've been through them all about as many times as I can.

 

The verdict at this point? Still hate my life without her. Still miss the person I wanted to marry. Still think about her constantly. Occasionally still kid myself that we're surely going to talk again some day.

 

Time really hasn't done much except turn the agony into a dull ache. I still hate this. I could probably meet someone new if I wanted to. Still don't think I'm ready. I still love my ex, what's the use in denying it. At this rate I can see myself still working through this after a full year if not longer. I have a long history of taking breakups really hard but this one takes the cake. I've become a bit jaded about everything I thought was special and magical about love. Not sure that I still believe it exists, or at least not in the form I used to believe in.

 

Don't really know where to go from here. Don't really know how to even wrap up this post. I've tried to pick up the pieces and put things back together, except it seems that I can't get them to go back in the right order, I've become someone/something different and not sure I like the outcome. This feels like a strange twilight zone version of my life. Don't know what to do. Wish I could be happy. Wish I'd stop dreaming about her.

[tipsyleprachauns]

I know exactly what you mean. I'm coming up on the 5 month mark since break up now, 3 of No contact other than a week or so where she reappeared it seems to try be friends.

 

It doesn't hurt anymore. Hurt isn't the right word for it. It's just there. Constantly. Like a dull ache you're always aware of, isn't particularly painful, but just won't go away.

 

I think about how I used to 'live' life. Now I just move through it, kind of stumbling from week to week. Or at least that's how it feels.

 

Guess we just have to keep pushing. I find solace in the fact that when I get sick of how I am now, I force myself to look back to the crying, anxious, pathetic, begging mess who spent a good 2 months whinging to everyone who would listen and fighting for someone who doesn't want me.

 

When I force myself, rather painfully, to look back at me at my lowest, it gives me a glimmer of hope about how far I have come even though I don't realise it.

 

I don't know if you're a religious person, but when praying with my friend a short while ago he got an image of a storm cloud. It's like I'm at the point where the worst of the storm has been there, but it's still hanging on. The odd ray of light breaks through the cloud before it closes up again, but the rays are getting stronger and more frequent, and know that as with any storm - this will pass.

[immitable]

Exit, I really like how you said a twilight version of my life and that is exactly how it feels.

I also think I have changed a lot, transformed somehow, matured, learned a lot about myself and still learning....

 

 

Maybe I there is a glimpse of a second chance as we kinda had some form of communication recently carefully.... but it is breaking my head really and consuming too much energy to even try. I feel like I need to fight but so exhausted to fight anymore.

Edited May 4, 2012 by immitable

[Exit]

Exhausted is a good word. It takes so much energy for me to try to trick myself out of this mindset, so much energy just to try to feel decent from day to day, I can't find the energy to do anything else. I know I could be doing much better. Every day I think about getting myself back in shape, taking control of life, trying to steer it back in the right direction. I just don't have the energy right now. It's like trying to wrestle a jumbo jet out of a nose dive. I'm trying to fight it but it's not working. People say there's nowhere to go but up once you hit rock bottom. I'm having trouble finding that first foothold to start climbing upwards again. Or maybe I'm still recovering from the fall and I've chosen just to lay down for a while. I don't know why my brain hasn't had enough of the suffering. I'm sure I've tried to rationalize things every single way, multiple times, over six months. There is nothing left to think about. Why is it still the first thing on my mind every day. I don't know what to do.

[jennisfora]

this reminds me of what i feel. if you call it a feeling. i call it apathy. some days it feels like someone could tell me something horrible, and i'd shrug and go, thats too bad. i feel drained, and very much going through the motions. but i no longer cry randomly. i dont constantly think of my ex, although i still do way too much. not as hopeful though. i think i am coming to terms with the fact he doesnt want to reconcile.

 

not happy or sad, just very blah. i hate feeling like this, i hope i turn a corner to being a normal human being soon. *hugs*

[Exit]

Well I got incredibly drunk tonight, enough to lose track of all logic, and decided to check her facebook from my phone. She's still in love with the jerk she replaced me with. And her new profile picture looks amazing, she looks so beautiful. This entire experience has truly taught me that life isn't fair. She has friends, a new relationship, she looks great, and I am left in ruins. I loved someone with all my heart and got nothing in return. I'm so tired of trying to kid myself that karma is going to catch up to her, and that my life is going to improve, and that this all happened for a reason. Bullcrap. This is enough to make me want to die. If life were fair, she would be the one shunned by all her friends, for being such a heartless, soulless person. Instead she is living a life of abundance, with someone who loves her. I'm going to bed alone and later today I'll wake up alone and my first thought will be about her. If life is trying to teach me a lesson, I don't get it. All I've learned is that everything is worthless.

[Dragonsden]

You and I sound very alike with the problems we are enduring. I may be doing a bit better dealing with it. Just this morning I had to remind myself that "she" is not gods gift to menkind and I need to bring her down from the pedestal. This thought applies to you as well. I can go out and find a better girl I will be more in love with but at the moment I really wanna be single, have more time and try new things.

 

I am picking up a Kayak I bought today, sky diving and bungee jumping in June, firing my friends canon sometime and getting my bike license very soon. Bottom line there is alot of things to look forward to instead of looking back and dwelling about a girl who didnt give two ****s about me.

 

Just remember you have a limited time here and you want to make the most of it. Goodluck!

[nanbullen]

Life isn’t fair. I hadn’t seen my ex in 10 years and was perfectly happy until he contacted me out of the blue and we got back together, just to get dumped again. What have I done that is so bad that I have to have this ass*** keep reappearing in my life like a recurring tumor and turn it upside down. And to think, at first when we got back together I thought I was the luckiest person in the world to be reunited with my lost love after all these years, LOL. What a fool I was.

 

I don’t get hysterical like at first when I was a total mess. Now I’m just settled into depression. I have zero desire to do anything. I force myself to get out so I don’t think about him all the time, but it just reminds me that I’m alone. When we weren't physically together, we talked on the phone all the time, especially on weekends. I mean we just stayed on the phone all day…even if we weren’t saying anything. And now on the weekends…the day seems ENDLESS. I have nothing to look forward to except feeling miserable. And to wake up tomorrow and feel the same way. I wish I could at least stay mad at him, but I can’t. I think of how I’ll never find anyone like him again. I didn’t find anyone in the last 10 years that compared to him, so I don’t believe it when I hear “oh you’ll find someone 100% better”. That’s bull****. Sure I fell in “love” again …..but if I had the choice to leave either one of my ex- husbands for him…..I can’t say I wouldn’t have. Probably would have.

 

I’m like you, I hate my life without him. I can’t remember how I could possibly have been happy.

[rhymes]

Exit, I'm in a similar spot man and I know how bad it sucks.

 

I don't have that intense, soul crushing pain, but I do have the dull ache, and from time to time, I still get down and sad.

 

Maybe it's an escape, but the best thing for me is just keeping busy. I know you've heard it a million times, but I find it to be true.

 

I've probably gone to the gym 10 times in last five years, and in the last week, I've gone 5 out of the past 6 days. I find going with a friend helps, as we can chat as well as get a good workout in. But a week later, I'm already feeling a bit bigger (I'm naturally a bit thin) and feel and look healthier already and it has helped me regain some of that lost confidence.

 

Other than that, I spend a lot of time visiting friends. Going to a pub for a casual pint, going out for coffee, doing yard work, running errands and just trying to stay busy.

 

 

I also booked a trip to Thailand, which is helping, you just honestly need something you can start looking forward to as well. I'm not sure if your situation, but if you have the time, then perhaps a holiday or getting out of town for a week would be great. For me, having a trip to look forward to keeps me motivated and busy researching where I want to go and how to get around.

 

I know she's now with another guy just months of our 5 years together, and it hurts like hell.

 

But on the same token, the best thing you can do to "stick it to your ex" is to get you back to being the best version of you.

 

I look at every day as an opportunity to work on myself, and become that ideal mate, so one day, I can get a girl who is even better than my ex.

 

I considered my girlfriend to be exactly what I was looking for in a wife and partner, and so instead of wallowing in my self pity, which I have done enough of, I take it as a chance to make myself more attractive, so one day she'll be checking my Facebook, being like "Damn, he looks great."

 

It's the easiest way for me to look at things and help me cope. Knowing that I have to improve upon myself first.

 

By doing nothing and sitting around you are "letting your ex win". Take the power back and make yourself into the best version of you possible, so you can find that next one who will be even more amazing.

 

Chin up and keep busy my friend.

[Gulf-Delta]

Well I got incredibly drunk tonight, enough to lose track of all logic, and decided to check her facebook from my phone. She's still in love with the jerk she replaced me with. And her new profile picture looks amazing, she looks so beautiful. This entire experience has truly taught me that life isn't fair. She has friends, a new relationship, she looks great, and I am left in ruins. I loved someone with all my heart and got nothing in return. I'm so tired of trying to kid myself that karma is going to catch up to her, and that my life is going to improve, and that this all happened for a reason. Bullcrap. This is enough to make me want to die. If life were fair, she would be the one shunned by all her friends, for being such a heartless, soulless person. Instead she is living a life of abundance, with someone who loves her. I'm going to bed alone and later today I'll wake up alone and my first thought will be about her. If life is trying to teach me a lesson, I don't get it. All I've learned is that everything is worthless.

 

Yep. I agree 100%

[Gulf-Delta]

You and I sound very alike with the problems we are enduring. I may be doing a bit better dealing with it. Just this morning I had to remind myself that "she" is not gods gift to menkind and I need to bring her down from the pedestal.

 

That's bull. If she's not special (or on a pedestal) why did you bother dating her at all?

 

We put people we're attracted to or love on pedestals. That's what love is. You can't fall in love with someone and not put them on a pedestal. Otherwise, relationships would just consist of "Okay we ****ed, see ya".

 

Just as people like to say "ex's are ex's for a reason" it's equally apt to say "lovers are lovers for a reason"

[Dragonsden]

That's bull. If she's not special (or on a pedestal) why did you bother dating her at all?

 

We put people we're attracted to or love on pedestals. That's what love is. You can't fall in love with someone and not put them on a pedestal. Otherwise, relationships would just consist of "Okay we ****ed, see ya".

 

Just as people like to say "ex's are ex's for a reason" it's equally apt to say "lovers are lovers for a reason"

 

I wish I had a magic ball that showed me results of dating her and I would not have bothered.

 

You are missing the entire point. Right now she is an ex .... not a lover ....we are not lovers... an ex. She gave the right to be on the pedestal away when she left me for another guy. She bull****ted her way out of the relationship. Why in gods harmony would I want to purposely obsess over someone of that character?

 

And just so you know the basics of dating ... you dont put someone on a pedestal when you first start the relationship.

[Gulf-Delta]

I wish I had a magic ball that showed me results of dating her and I would not have bothered.

 

You are missing the entire point. Right now she is an ex .... not a lover ....we are not lovers... an ex. She gave the right to be on the pedestal away when she left me for another guy. She bull****ted her way out of the relationship. Why in gods harmony would I want to purposely obsess over someone of that character?

 

And just so you know the basics of dating ... you dont put someone on a pedestal when you first start the relationship.

 

You were lovers at one time, and you were so for a reason. And she probably still has some of those qualities.

 

And yes, when you go exclusive with someone they are automatically on a pedestal. You are choosing them over others because you love them, appreciate them or whatever.

[Simple love]

I've been crushed so hard it took five years to love again. Then only to be heartbroken again. What I've learned is to be true to yourself and your values so even if you die alone yon have your dignity. Life is not fair. Bad abusive people have children when loving people cannot or are robbed of there children. It's just not fair at all. I know a a loving relationship takes work and you have to be there for your partner when things are tough. I'm not afraid of the challenge as I think a lot of people are. I can't believe people are so selfish to leave there kids and acts like that then genuinely good people get **** on. It makes no sense. Like I said before. Stay true to yourself and your values. I hope someone recognizes me for who I really am. I'm not perfect nor Ill ever be. But I know now I'm one of the good ones. I wish you all peace within yourselves. Good luck

[CopingGal]

Exit, it's hard to believe that you only broke up 6 months ago. You have such insight in your posts when you are helping other people. When you usually respond to people, you write like your break up was years ago and that you have since healed.

 

You are an inspiration to me. I hope one day to be so free from my grief and anger that I can respond to people's pain here in a better way.

[Headintheclouds]

I can relate to you on so many levels Exit.

 

My breakup is going on 3 months, 1 of which I was still stuck living with her while she was already seeing someone else. We ended civilly and I initiated NC a week after we moved out.

 

Since NC started, I feel like I've become so much worse. I feel like I dealt with it better when I was living with her. I feel like the stages keep repeating. I don't cry every day, but I still cry and can do so in the blink of an eye.

 

I've been through my share of long relationships. After this one I don't know how I can ever look at someone in the same light again. Like you, I could be dating right now. I have actually dated a couple girls since the break up and Its so unfullfilling. They were great girls too. I just couldn't give them anything emotionally, so I ended it. I want to feel like there is someone there, but I can't conceive of being with someone else. I judge too much.

 

I sometimes think NC wasn't the best route for me to take. I had already dealt with the brunt of the mess while we were living together. I went NC more so out of spite. I just wanted her to FEEL something. To feel like I was really gone and show her I wasn't messing around. She mentioned being friends before we moved out. I don't think I'm capable of that either, but I wonder what I am actually capable of right now. I mean, I can't handle myself since I went NC, but I know it would be hard with contact. I'm not sure which is worse. She hasn't responded at all except a couple random comments on photos on my instagram (iPhone app) which I ignored. That was in the past 2 days and I think she may be trying to initiate contact.

 

Enough about me. All I can say is that I am very active and even more so since we broke up. I'm in the gym 3-4 days a week. I race road bikes and train consistently throughout the week. I run. I eat healthy. I am doing everything to keep my time alone to a minimum. I do all this and yet she it the first thing I think of in the morning and the last when I go to sleep. It does help I can assure you that, but those few times that I am not consumed with training, I feel horrible.

 

I may be in the best shape of my life but I don't like who I am becoming either. I feel like I've been burned so many times that I can't go back to seeing the visions of love I once saw. I can't help but to keep the hope alive and I know I shouldn't. Its never been harder for me to accept the end of a relationship then with this girl. She truly was everything I wanted.

 

I'm probably not helping you out much here man, but maybe you can relate and feel a little better as I did when I related to your original post. We're in this together. I read a good quote in the first 2 weeks of my breakup by Winston Churchill : "if you are going through hell, keep going"

 

Somehow we have to look ahead and just keep pushing. I hope it will get better, and I hope you do too.

[Tree_Salmon]

Reading all these entries really scares me because I fear still feeling this way a year down the line. I need to be able to function and be happy again.

 

Life is definitely unfair but I think there is a formula of things you can change to get back on top. I'm trying to figure this out right now so I'm not stuck hurting over this for 10 years. Just remember that divorce rates are higher than ever and most something like 80% of people arent happy in the ones that do last.

 

The point of these stats is NOBODY CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY BUT YOU. I actually knew this for a fact once. I didn't really care about other people in that way. My ex is the first one to make me as happy without myself as I was but I also forgot how to make myself happy as a result. You have to figure it out again. Just like I'm trying right now.

 

Be happy that you had a great connection once. I will remember the best 3 years of my life forever. And maybe I'll have better ones. Plus, being alone is better than being in a relationship doomed to fail.

[wezol]

I know how you feel man. It's been almost a year since my ex wife and I split. At the time, and up until about a month ago, I was fine. Immediately after we split, I was fine...at the same time though I was able to just bury my emotions and become numb ass*hole.

 

Everything that I've been bottling up over the last few years (even before we split) is starting to make it's way out slowly each and every day. Now I feel like I SHOULD of felt a year ago. I've had to stop drinking because of it, and this past week I've had a few dreams about her that make me feel horrible when I wake up.

 

Just have to drive on man, it'll work itself out one way or another. But I'm there with ya.