Nikki Sahagin Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 One thing i've noticed from speaking to my friends is that most people, once hurt (quite naturally I guess) tend to swing from wildly open minded, naive and accepting to bitter, cynical and uncompromising. They are so scared of any rejection, neglect or hurt that they close themselves off. I've met so many people with these walls/boundaries/barriers and I can't help but think the reason so many people have problems finding love is not so much that they have nothing to offer, but that they close people off from discovering those things about them. Say your best asset is your generosity, but you worry you'll be exploited for that...rather than taking a chance and showing SOME generosity, some people just act cold and won't budge an inch. I think it's so interesting how people with these rigid boundaries can't see that THEY are the ones closing themselves off from finding any connection with a person. That's the point - you HAVE to be open and risk hurt to potentially make a real connection. How would you advise people to drop those walls? I'd say just change your approach to dating/relationships in general. Try to be light-hearted, true to yourself and have fun. Don't be too serious in your thinking and learn to take something good from experiences where you might be let down. Get smarter, not colder with people. 1
Woggle Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Sadly once a person is hurt they are determined to never let it happen again. Also the fact that there is so much animosity between men and women these days makes people not want to even attempt to take those walls down.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 Sadly once a person is hurt they are determined to never let it happen again. Also the fact that there is so much animosity between men and women these days makes people not want to even attempt to take those walls down. But this animosity is not real, seeing as men and women are collective terms, but men and women interact with one another as individuals. Therefore, why project animosity for a generalised collective onto individual human beings? Closing yourself off means you won't ever be hurt (by others at least) but you'll always never truly be known/liked/loved. Isn't that worth the risk? Humans are very adaptive and we do recover from hurts.
Woggle Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 But this animosity is not real, seeing as men and women are collective terms, but men and women interact with one another as individuals. Therefore, why project animosity for a generalised collective onto individual human beings? Closing yourself off means you won't ever be hurt (by others at least) but you'll always never truly be known/liked/loved. Isn't that worth the risk? Humans are very adaptive and we do recover from hurts. Just look at this board. The animosity is very much real.
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Most relationships fail and a large % of marriages end. No, it's not worth the risk.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 Just look at this board. The animosity is very much real. But this is a board for people experiencing relationship problems so it's a negative sample. There are many real world examples of love/like between men and women, as partners, lovers, friends, siblings, etc.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 Most relationships fail and a large % of marriages end. No, it's not worth the risk. Well i'm not going to bring your boundaries down any time soon...
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 I'd like to add, there's a reason why people seem so much more attractive when they are taken. They feel accepted and loved, so they tend to be more open, warm, more of 'themselves'. If we were like this from the start without all these cold, false walls up, most people would be like 'WOAHHHHH'. 1
RiverRunning Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Ah, how starry-eyed and innocent I was when I met my first boyfriend! Then he came in with a wrecking ball with his immaturity, controlling behavior, crybaby temper tantrums (if we had to have a talk, he would literally burst into tears - and this was a 19 to 20-year-old man! It's not like I was at all yelling at him), jealousy, stupidity, flirtatious behavior towards other women, etc. Dumped him. Felt bitter for a few months but realized I just had picked a HORRIBLE guy. Second time around I met my last ex, who impressed me because he was so polite, he had himself together (a career), he would actually offer to BUY me dinner, took me out on dates, etc. Fast-forward 3 1/2 years and we broke up. Mostly because of his inclination to blab nonstop about his ex for ages (I know he still had feelings for her). Overall he was a decent guy, but somehow that relationship and our break-up had way more of an impact on me than my first boyfriend did. Maybe I was more emotionally invested the second time around, or the two pains were compounded into one big, new, awful pain. I try to give men the benefit of the doubt when I meet them, to keep myself 'open.' But I have also learned to some extent that I got closed off for a reason - because not everyone is meant to pass through and date me, which is the approach that I took before. It's something you have to do for yourself when you see that you're closing people off. Too many folks do put blame squarely on everyone else for their dating woes, though. Until they can get past that knee-jerk, ego-saving response, they'll be screwed.
irc333 Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Sadly once a person is hurt they are determined to never let it happen again. Also the fact that there is so much animosity between men and women these days makes people not want to even attempt to take those walls down. yeah, I met a woman online, although funny, and fun to be with, and real cute....she's revealed to me she has trust issues with men ever since her now ex-husband cheated on her. There are some questions I asked her, though not really personal with other people, but personal with her , and even after knowing her for a little while....still won't even reveal me to her her maiden name....she even lied about her age on POF. I found that strange....well....I said "You are 40, right?" and she said, "Well, that's what I PUT." LOL
soserious1 Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 But this animosity is not real, seeing as men and women are collective terms, but men and women interact with one another as individuals. Therefore, why project animosity for a generalised collective onto individual human beings? Closing yourself off means you won't ever be hurt (by others at least) but you'll always never truly be known/liked/loved. Isn't that worth the risk? Humans are very adaptive and we do recover from hurts. I have plenty of family & life long close friends so I am "truly known/liked/loved" All I seek from relationships with men is light, casual social interactions & sex. I will not be lowering my walls & opening my checkbook or home to another man again. 1
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 I have plenty of family & life long close friends so I am "truly known/liked/loved" All I seek from relationships with men is light, casual social interactions & sex. I will not be lowering my walls & opening my checkbook or home to another man again. I would say you have lowered boundaries even to be able to have light casual interactions and sex. Some people can't even do that! And if that's what suits you, then there's nothing wrong with that at all.
Andy_K Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Most relationships fail and a large % of marriages end. No, it's not worth the risk. Just because something ends, doesn't mean it wasn't worth doing. If that were true, you might as well top yourself now. You'll be dead in 100 years anyway.
soserious1 Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I would say you have lowered boundaries even to be able to have light casual interactions and sex. Some people can't even do that! And if that's what suits you, then there's nothing wrong with that at all. Personally I think Americans are overly sharing, not guarded in the slightest. Honestly, I've been shocked at the amount of personal details men will blurt out about themselves and their lives on a 1st or 2nd date. In general most Americans have too few personal boundaries, not too many IMHO. 2
Emilia Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 In general most Americans have too few personal boundaries, not too many IMHO. that I certainly agree with
Emilia Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 How would you advise people to drop those walls? Speaking from experience two things: 1. People swing between different states/mindsets in their lives, no-one stays the same. 2. Time is a great healer. 2
NeverDated Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Personally I think Americans are overly sharing, not guarded in the slightest. Honestly, I've been shocked at the amount of personal details men will blurt out about themselves and their lives on a 1st or 2nd date. In general most Americans have too few personal boundaries, not too many IMHO. Americans freely share a lot of information because we have too many boundaries. If you lay it all on the line for everyone, no one can get enough insider info to hurt you.
Emilia Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Americans freely share a lot of information because we have too many boundaries. If you lay it all on the line for everyone, no one can get enough insider info to hurt you. I don't think it works that way. Americans can come across (and I mean in real life too not just here on LS, I worked with them in the past) trusting like children by giving out a lot of detail almost unfiltered. If I told everyone everything about myself, I do think it would be still possible to hurt me with that information.
NeverDated Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I don't think it works that way. Americans can come across (and I mean in real life too not just here on LS, I worked with them in the past) trusting like children by giving out a lot of detail almost unfiltered. If I told everyone everything about myself, I do think it would be still possible to hurt me with that information. Oh, it's definitely still possible. However, we are a country that adores self-deception. Look at American media - relationships are predicated not upon knowing the person, but on instant chemistry. The details have absolutely no bearing on me as a person - what I've done, where I've been, they don't define me. It's all BS, but that's why many Americans are so open with everything.
soserious1 Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I don't think it works that way. Americans can come across (and I mean in real life too not just here on LS, I worked with them in the past) trusting like children by giving out a lot of detail almost unfiltered. If I told everyone everything about myself, I do think it would be still possible to hurt me with that information. I agree & must say that such behaviors make me want to pull away from people not get closer to them.
carhill Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I found substantial 'alone time' to process the 'breakup', in my case divorce, fostered an environment devoid of negative reinforcement and promoted a more neutral emotional state regarding interactions. The choice also allowed focus on other aspects of living, like friendships and new business pursuits, and I now interact with more people on a general level than I did prior to being married and comparable to that while married. So far, no issues. Some people 'get over' relationships by being in other relationships and that 'lowers their walls'. Others, like myself, process the 'walls' in a more solitary fashion. What works for each person is different. Only way to find what works is to try different things. When I meet people with such walls, I accept they are currently on a different path. It's their path. Not mine.
Pyro Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 One thing i've noticed from speaking to my friends is that most people, once hurt (quite naturally I guess) tend to swing from wildly open minded, naive and accepting to bitter, cynical and uncompromising. They are so scared of any rejection, neglect or hurt that they close themselves off. I've met so many people with these walls/boundaries/barriers and I can't help but think the reason so many people have problems finding love is not so much that they have nothing to offer, but that they close people off from discovering those things about them. Say your best asset is your generosity, but you worry you'll be exploited for that...rather than taking a chance and showing SOME generosity, some people just act cold and won't budge an inch. I think it's so interesting how people with these rigid boundaries can't see that THEY are the ones closing themselves off from finding any connection with a person. That's the point - you HAVE to be open and risk hurt to potentially make a real connection. How would you advise people to drop those walls? I'd say just change your approach to dating/relationships in general. Try to be light-hearted, true to yourself and have fun. Don't be too serious in your thinking and learn to take something good from experiences where you might be let down. Get smarter, not colder with people. For the most part it is impossible to talk any sense into those type of people. Only they have the power to change and will at least attempt to if they truly want to. Light-hearted and fun are definitely the keys but those who have been hurt tend to focus on the negatives from their past experiences rather than look forward to all the possibilities. I guess it is easier for them to live with the bitterness rather than take on the challenge of moving forward
Pyro Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 But this is a board for people experiencing relationship problems so it's a negative sample. There are many real world examples of love/like between men and women, as partners, lovers, friends, siblings, etc. I laugh at anyone who uses this place as a real life example of how men and women are to each other.
waiting4u Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I have trust issues because the last long-term relationship was with a man who had me completely fooled for 2 1/2 years. He ended up sleeping with my friend and then becoming a vengeful nightmare. Needless to say, I started not to trust me own judgment after that so I can totally identify with being closed off and a little bitter. I think most people open back up again at some point - the thing is, when you do find someone, you are constantly looking for those red flags - and I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing. When you have a gut feeling that something is wrong, you are usually right. I think I listen more to those gut feelings these days, although I miss my naive self quite a bit. Love seemed so much simpler back then. People indeed sabotage themselves. I hate to generalize, but this is particularly true for men. I've met so many men who feel unmanned by having their heart broken or something, so they just close up forever.
nofool4u Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 One thing i've noticed from speaking to my friends is that most people, once hurt (quite naturally I guess) tend to swing from wildly open minded, naive and accepting to bitter, cynical and uncompromising. They are so scared of any rejection, neglect or hurt that they close themselves off. I've met so many people with these walls/boundaries/barriers and I can't help but think the reason so many people have problems finding love is not so much that they have nothing to offer, but that they close people off from discovering those things about them. Say your best asset is your generosity, but you worry you'll be exploited for that...rather than taking a chance and showing SOME generosity, some people just act cold and won't budge an inch. I think it's so interesting how people with these rigid boundaries can't see that THEY are the ones closing themselves off from finding any connection with a person. That's the point - you HAVE to be open and risk hurt to potentially make a real connection. How would you advise people to drop those walls? I'd say just change your approach to dating/relationships in general. Try to be light-hearted, true to yourself and have fun. Don't be too serious in your thinking and learn to take something good from experiences where you might be let down. Get smarter, not colder with people. After my experience with marriage I definitely have a wall up. Not an unscalable wall mind you, but one simply to keep the wh0res out:cool: I find that if someone doesn't practice some cynicism, they will get walked all over. If that means I don't find "love", whatever the hell that even means anymore, then so be it. Because right now I'm fine with just dating. And if someone doesn't like my "boundaries", then it means they aren't worth my time in the first place and aren't trustworthy to begin with.
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