sitka5 Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 My mom had caught my dad cheating recently, and they argued for a long time. They had hidden it away from me because my dad wants to save himself from embaressment. i somehow found out through recognizing my mother being very depressive and thats how things got out. The whole family had talked to him and blamed him for cheating, he kept denying it to my brother and i, but admitted to my mother. i had confronted him about it, he got very angry and it has ruined our father and sonrelationship. Now, he had told my mother that hes over with the mistress. but i had recently discovered that he is still in touch with her. i dont want to confront him right now because i know he will deny, but i also dont want to tell my mother because i dont want to see another chaos to happen again. i am going away on a business trip with my dad, and i am suspecting thet fact that he might meet up with his mistress. i dont know what to do, i am feeling so sad and helpless, will somebody please help me.....
dawns19 Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 You need to talk to someone about it, confront your dad about it, and let him know that you have every right to believe that he's still seeing his "mistress", if that doesn't work, go straight to your mom. It's better your mom finds out now then later, it'll be much worse later on down the road.
genie Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 I am sorry that you are going through all of this. I do not know how old you are but regardless, this is not for you to try to fix. It is a shame that you are put in the middle. I caught my Dad cheating when I was in my 20's and told my mom, I wanted her to leave him and I would have taken care of her. She never left. I am now 40 years old and I now have adult problems, that stem from a dysfunctional childhood. You should try as hard as possible to dismiss yourself emotionally from this, and I don't mean turn your back on your parents. This is their problem, maybe you can talk to them about getting counseling. All of your life you will try to fix everyone's problem and when you don't succeed you feel like a failure. There's so much I want to say, but don't know how to put it into words. Not that your mom deserves any of this, but you are the child and I know how hard it is for you, but you need to not focus on this issue. Try not to take sides with your parents, but do that letting your dad know you do not approve of infidelity and will not be a part of that (for example: the business trip). Personally, I wish my family would have done some family counseling, maybe you can suggest them to get counseling for theirselves and then the family. You may not feel at this moment that it is affecting your future, but coming my experience, it will. Good luck!! I hope this made some sense to you.
kirkyswife Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 Genie our lives were almost written from similar templates. sitka - I'm so sorry that you are in this position - my father announced Christmas morning (my mom's favorite holiday AND the year she was battling cancer) that he had cheated on my mother for 25 years. When I was a little girl (age 4-6) my dad and his friends used to put me in the backseat of the car and go "girl watching" or cruising as he puts it - they would whistle at the women and talk to them he told me not to say anythng to my mom about what we did and he would buy me barbie dolls - well he never bought the barbies and I always told. 47 years later - my dysfunctional parents are still married and I can't stand to be around them. My suggestion to you is to stay out of their marriage. You should let your dad know you know what's going on and how you feel - regardless if he denies it or not, but I wouldn't tell your mom because it's not going to make her leave him and her women's intuition is telling her it ain't over anyway.
YellowLioness Posted June 24, 2004 Posted June 24, 2004 My dad was (is) in an unhappy marriage, and thought that a mistress was the way out. I met her, and she was really nice. I actually wanted dad to persue more with her, as I didn't much care for my stepmother at the time. I didn't care as long as my dad was happy. But, I have a strange relationship with my father. Anyway, If you know what is going to happen (like him trying to introduce y ou to the mistress) head it off. Say, "Dad, I know what's been going on. I still love you, but I'm not comfortable being in contact with someone that you cheated on mom with," or whatever. You don't have to put yourself in a bad situation just to make him comfortable. *shrugs* He's a mature adult and he's made his own bed. You can either accept her, or reject her. There is no middle road. Just decide what is the best way to handle it for you. Your feelings about this do matter, although it is your parents' problem.
JackSinghsDaughter Posted June 27, 2004 Posted June 27, 2004 I just found out on Father's day that my biological father (he is no longer my father - my father loved his family and wouldn't betray them in such a way) has been having a long-term affair with a woman; he was careless with some emails, etc., and I have since obtained proof from a private investigator. He has been taking her on trips to Italy, New York, India, etc. staying at four-star hotels, while my mother, brothers, and I scrimp and save to pay off his debts. We almost lost the house once because of his foolishness. My father has been an emotionally cruel person but I still loved him - he was my dad. Now, I am changing my last name because this is the final straw. He is no longer part of MY family. I am sorry for your loss because I am feeling it too. I no longer have a father who is the best dad in the world, because my father wouldn't cheat and put my family in such emotional and financial difficulty. Whatever you do, remember that life goes on. I realize how your father's behaviour has affected you but you will survive. You have done nothing wrong. It is your father that has something wrong with him. Sit down with your father and tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable and that you're going on the trip to be with him. Tell him that families don't let each other down. If he wants to pretend that there wasn't an affair, then fine. Just let him know that any illicit behaviour during the trip will damage your relationship and there will be no going back. Granted, I am angry with my father so it is probably carrying over into my advice to you. I am angry, bitter, and sad. I am still crying even though it has been 6 days and I am 30 years old. My two younger brothers are 23 and 24. The 23 year old one knows, and it hurts him too. I will tell you this. It is not worth it feeling sad and hopeless. Please go see a counsellor or a therapist (my father's girlfriend is a psychotherapist - how ironic) so that you do not end up paying emotionally for your father's betrayal. Remember, life is a beautiful thing. Eventually, you will be able to move on and be happy again. You just need to get through this first. I suggest you go for counselling to get over this bad period in your life and to get some outside advice from a professional. I'm sorry for the loss of trust in your father. I feel for you. Good luck.
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