afaid of coustody battle

[chatty]

Hello there. This is my first post here, and I need advice.I want to apologize for the length of this before I start because I think it’simportant that I get the whole story out.

 

My hubby and I have been together for only 5 years now. Andits sad that I can say that we have been unhappily together longer than we havebe happy together.

 

When we met we were younger and everything in our lives wasdifferent than it is today! We were partiers, did drugs and drank all day mostof the time. When we started going out I didn’t see a future with him but itwas fun. He cheated on me after 3 weeks of dating and it hurt me deep eventhough we hadn’t been together that long.

 

Jump back about 6 months, I had just gotten out of a 3 yearrelationship with my first love, and was still very much in love with him. Tothis day I love him and I think I always will. The reason that he and I called it quits was because we were both so young and we fought all of the time, butwe always were very loving towards each other. When we broke up both of usthought that it was going to be a temporary thing and that we would get back together once we had some time apart. Well I got caught up in the wrongsituations and started using coke and e all of the time daily. I had anapartment where I would allow all of the homeless druggie friends of mine tostay because I wanted to help them out. This is when I met my hubby he was oneof the said friends.

 

Back to him and I, after he cheated on me I tried to moveon. I could have done this a lot easier if I hadn’t gone out of my way to benice to him after he cheated on me. I wanted to show him that it didn’t affectme because I am a strong person. Well Ihung out with him and the girl he cheated on me with (who was one of our roommatesby the way, and his ex which I didn’t know at the time… his first love who hewas still in love with) all of the time.

 

Jump forward he missed me I took him back, you can call me stupid and I would have to agree with you. I was taking e all of the time the“love drug” so it didn’t really matter to me. so over the next 5 months hecheated on me with the same girl about 5 times! And I always knew about it andtook him back. Until the last time, I was done with him when he told me he hadsnuck out of your house in the middle of the night after I had fallen asleep,to go meet up with her. He told me about this night a month after it happened.Like I said I was done I wanted nothing to do with him I tried to leave but heliterally held me down. He cried and played the I’m so sorry card. At this timewe (mostly just me) had been clean for about a month. When I tried to leave hethreatened to go back on the drugs and OD on them so I stayed. Even after allof this that had happened, that he had put me though, I felt sorry for him.

 

I decided that night that I didn’t want to be in this toxicrelationship anymore, but I decided that I couldn’t leave him. He neededsomeone to help him, he was a truly lost soul. My plan was to stay with him until he was clean for a good amount of timeand had a good job, place to live. And most importantly until he was in contactwith his family again. he and his previous girlfriend(not the one he cheated onme with) had a baby together and he had not be allowed to see him since he was2 months old (because of his drug use) so at this time it would have been ayear since he had seen him.

 

So even though I didn’t trust him, I didn’t like him, anddidn’t want to be with him, I toughed it out. I did love him, im a very lovingperson I love every one and I don’t wish bad on anyone really. Hey I even talkto the girl he cheated on me with and keep a friendly relationship with her (he is not in contact with her at all and hasn’t been since that last time thathe cheated more than 4 years ago). Anyways by the time he had done almost everything on my list I didn’twant to leave him. I guess I might have been afraid at this point of beingwithout him. I didn’t really want to be with him either. I know this all soundscrazy but I guess that’s why they call it a toxic relationship. Well a yearwent past and we were happy sometimes, but unhappy most of the time. Duringthis time I lost all of my old friends because they couldn’t watch me do thisto myself which is my fault.

 

Then I got pregnant! All of my stress and insecurities aboutthe relationship and my life in general went away. As soon as I found out I waslike super woman. I knew that I didn’t need him at all. I knew that my life wasdedicated to making the life of my child the best possible. And the strangething is that this changed our relationship for the better. At least that ishow it felt for me. My hubby didn’t want the baby at first and really didn’tact all that enthused until the day she was born. At this time I had been offof drugs and had not drinkin anything in over a year. But my hubby although offof drugs still liked to party. He wasn’t ready to grow up yet.

 

When we told our families they wanted us to marry. Hisfamily especially after all he had already had a child with a girl out of wedlock.And his family is very religious. He by the way had still not seen his son atthis point. My family on the other hand didn’t want us to rush into a marriage.But me being a people pleaser wanted to make his family (whom I love by theway) happy and at the time thought that it would be best for my baby. So we gotmarried.

 

They he relapsed. While we were moving into our new niceapartment, he and his friend who helped us “found” some “shrooms” and they tookthem. I am about 5 months pregnant at this time. I didn’t know that they haddone this, they were drinking and I thought that, that was why they were actingintoxicated. I didn’t fide out about this until after the birth of our daughter.

 

While I was 8 months pregnant I wanted hubby to actively tryto see his son. So I helped him to contact his ex through the internet. Most ofthe time it was me who did the talking pretending to be him because if I hadn’the would have not gotten it done and the boy needed to have a father!!! So wefinally got to see him. When he would come to our house I would be the one tocare for him he was about 2 and a half at this time. It would be hard for me toget hubby to pay a lot of attention to him. And that was really hard for me. Iworked full time did all of the cooking and cleaning, and taking care of hisson and I was very very pregnant, so most of the time I was exaughsted! I justmade myself think that it was because he hadn’t seen him in so long he wasafraid of taking care of him in some way.

 

Our daughter is born.

 

The first night home from the hospital I could not get herto stop crying (she was my first experience with caring for a newborn!) I hadbeen up for two days already and the fact that I couldn’t get he to stop was sosaddening to me.( My hubby, baby, and I were all in the same bed room she had abasinet set up next to our bed. ) I tried for about an hour to make her feelbetter and she wouldn’t stop crying, at this time my hubby said that he had toget some sleep so he went out to this living room and closed the door and wentto sleep on the couch. After a couple of hours of me not being able to comforther I called for help from my mom and she came over at 3am to help while myhubby slept. From that day on we have not slept in the same room because he hasto sleep. Now I share my daughter’s room with her.

 

Anyways he never helped with her and he would get angry whenI would ask. He acted like he was unhappy when I would tell him to look atsomething cute she was doing. He would leave the house at least every weekendto party and he would not come home until the next day (he still does this, butnot every weekend sometimes he stays home) he would and still does act like itis no big deal for him to do this, that it is his right, that I have no reasonto get upset that he is out while I am at home caring for both of the children.He started playing the computer and watching sports games all of the time itconsumed him. In fact we were almost never in the same room and it is stillvery much like this. He didn’t pay any attention to his daughter for the first3 months of her life!

 

After the 3 months I had to stop making excuses for him. Iconfronted him about it and he said it would change. This is our problem healways says that “he/it will change, it will get better”. And although I don’talways believe him (not now anyways) I listen to him and give him the chance todo what he says. And I don’t think that he is lying when he says these things,I think he believes it too, he just gets lazy and doesn’t follow through.

I have to speed this up or it will go on forever.

 

Our daughter is two now and he has gotten a lot better. Hepays attention to her now and he will do things for her sometimes like take herto the potty or make her food. He plays with the kids at times whole heartedly,but sadly not enough. When I need him to watch her/them he will put the tv onand play on his phone or go into the other room to watch his tv while theywatch theirs. He considers this parenting. I know that most children like to bewith their mommies more or want mommy time more than daddy time when they arethis young but it is extreme with our daughter I think. When he does try togive her attention a lot of the time she will tell him to go away. She justwants mommy. She is a big mommys girl because I have taken care of her prettymuch on my own since day one, even though hubby and I live in the same house.And when she tries to play with him or get his attention he is to busy watchingtv or to caught up in his own thing to pay attention to her, and then hewonders why she tells him to leave her alone, or why she likes to hang out withme more than him.

 

I can tell you that he doesn’t know what her teachers namesare at school, he has only been there once. He doesn’t know what kinds ofthings she likes. He doesn’t know what her favorites are (books, songs, games,people, etc.) he doesn’t know her daily routine. And this is very sad to mebecause I want them to be very close, I want her to love to play with her daddyall of the time. She needs him to want to pay attention to her, just as I do.It hurts me that he cant find joy in the same things I do. He cant beentertained just by talking/playing/or just watching her play for hours on endlike I do.

 

I can honestly say that she is my everything, there isn’t athing in this world that I wouldn’t do for her. That is why I am so confused onwhat it is I should do about my hubby. She should have a mother and a father inher life all the time.

 

I have forgiven my husband for cheating on me, I did thatright after it happened (forgiven not forgotten). I have stayed by him evenwhen I have wanted to leave. But what is most important to me now is my daughter,and I have to do what is best for her. I just am confused on how to handle mymarriage the best way for her.

 

I have been unhappy with my marriage since the first nighthome from the hospital after giving birth to her. There have been some goodtimes in between the bad. But overall im miserable with him. I love him and Iwant him to be happy and I think he deserves it, I definitely don’t want anyhurt for him or anything bad to happened to him. But most of the time I cantstand him. We are constantly fighting, we are verbally abusive. We have been onthe verge of the abuse becoming physical but that has not happened for a verylong time. Although I am this unhappy, if it is best for my daughter for us toremain together than I will do it. But I want out.

 

I have no thoughts of being with anyone else. I am a fulltime student and I work a part time job and I am the primary (and really only)caregiver to a 2 year old. I don’t have time for relationship. And for hubbythis is a big problem. He wants more attention and affection and to be intimate.Like I said we sleep in separate rooms. He wants to have intercourse all of thetime and I honestly dread it. Its been months now, and I am happy about that.He doesn’t understand that because our marriage is so bad, I don’t want to be intimate.He thinks its all about being physically attracted, which it isn’t at all forme, im not emotionally attracted to him at all. How can I be I don’t even likehim, I love him but I don’t like him

 

That is his main complaint in our relationship. He alsohates that I am cold to him and I don’t like it either. I am in nature a verykind person, but because I don’t like him and what he does with his life I cantbe nice to him all of the time. I am in front of my daughter of course. I knowthat a lot of the problems/fights we have now are my fault because of how I see him.

 

I have suggested divorce or separation many many many timesto him, I tell him that we have to put our children before our own feelings andthat I think it would be best if we were apart. But he says no lets change letsmake it work. So we try and fail every time. I have read hundreds of book, seena therapist, gone on to sites like this, to try to find some help to fix ourmarriage but he has done nothing but change his attitude for a day/week/maybemonth. I have tried to make it work over and over but I don’t think thatanything can change when only one person is putting forth the effort. I havetried to get him to do couples counseling but he wont do it. When I sit himdown and talk to him nicely about all of this I feel like he just says all ofthe things he wants me to hear. I don’t know why he wants to stay in thisrelationship, I know he is as unhappy as I am he just doesn’t tell me unless heis very mad. And then he will take it back.

 

I have been waiting for so long for him to change and I dothink that it can happen we are still young. But I don’t know if I can wait 5more years for it to happen. When I feel like I am the only one trying.

 

My main reasons for being so unhappy are that I think we arejust to different. We do have some awesome things in common but our differencesoutweigh the things in common so much. My thoughts of having a good time andgoing out are taking the kids to do something fun, doing something as a familyand his thoughts of a good time are of going out to party. He wants me to goout with him to party and he thinks I should want to, but I am over that, im beyondthat point in life. Since I had a child my job in life is to make sure that herlife is good. That is what I live for and this is sadly just not the case with him.

 

He drinks heavily almost every night. And the reason I am sodesperate for some outside advice now is because he went to a party about amonth ago and he came back the next morning still drunk and he was high on Eand god knows what else. Then he wanted to play with our daughter…high!!!!! He lied to me and told me that he hadn’t takenany drugs but im not stupid I knew he was high, he looked like a crack head. Afterme telling him over and over that I knew he was lying he told me the truth. So nowI am wondering if he has been using drugs this whole time. I don’t even drinkanymore, this is just not how I want my daughter to grow up. Then I caught himsmoking weed in our house!!!! I just cannot have this. I guess that hisfamily is just not as important to him as the party life is. He says that it isand that he will change but he never does.

 

My fear is that I will file for divorce and he will get tohave unsupervised visitation rights of our daughter. That is the main reason I havenot filed yet. I do not trust him to take care of her. I really do or wouldfear for her life if he had her alone. I don’t think that he would intentionallydo anything he thought would hurt her but he just doesn’t know what it takes tobe a parent. I don’t want to take her away from him. I want them to see eachother every day and I would do all that I had to do to make this happen sheneeds her father. I have even suggested that we separate but live in the samehouse, that he could go off and do whatever he wanted but to keep it out of thehouse and away from her. But he wont listen to me. I have suggested that welive separately and he come see her every day after we get home but he doesn’t wantto do that either. See he says that he will get her half of the week and I willget her the other half and I am so so afraid of that. I want him to have totake monthly drug tests and to go to aa and take some fathering classes.

 

Im not saying that I think that they should only havesupervised visitations her whole life, just until he gets his act together. I thinkthat he could be a very great dad some day when he decides to do so.

 

Also I am afraid that because his family is well liked inthe community and has money that he will be able to get custody of her. He saysthat he will do this (although I don’t think he really wants this or can handleit, I think he just wants to hurt me by taking the most important thing to me). His family loves me, they know that I am the reason he is doing as good as heis today, but he is their family. They know of all of the bad stuff he didbefore we got married but because I want him to have a good relationship withthem they do not know just how bad he is still.

 

If you have read this whole thing even though it is so extremelylong I thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time. I am really Inneed right now. I know that it was draw out but I felt it necessary to sharethis much so you know the story. I have left out a lot of it believe it or not.Actually most of it I have left out because if I shared it all, it would be abook.

 

]If you can give me any advice please do. If you want toagree with me back me up or disagree and drag me down I am really all for it,and I appreciate it. Im sorry if not all of this makes sense I have been awakefor a long time by daughter is sick right now and she has been having troublesleeping, so as you can imagine so have i.

Edited May 4, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting; paragraphs

[CC12]

Lordy. Yeah, that was long.

 

So, you definitely want to leave him, yes? And the only thing stopping you is the fear that he'll get partial custody of your daughter?

 

The first thing you need to do is get some legal advice. Find out what you need to do in order to be in the best position to gain full custody, or whatever. Maybe your school has a free legal aid program of some sort. If not, probably some of the counselors there can point you in the right direction.

 

Him getting partial custody should definitely be a concern of yours, but given his history and how he can't seem to follow through on anything, he probably won't be that proactive in seeking custody. If you are worried that his family will get involved on his behalf, stop covering for him and let them learn what he's been up to. I'm not saying to start badmouthing him to them, just don't hide his bad behavior anymore. Try to keep a good relationship with them.

 

Anyway, best of luck. Time to start making good decisions instead of bad ones.

[chatty]

i know it is way to long, i was very tired and i was babbaling. may should delete it and then repost a short version. I just felt that i needed to get the whole story out so you could read it for yourself. i also wanted it to show that my hubby doesnt always act like a jerk.

 

i do want to leave him, but im wonering if that is what i should do. I am going to leave him either way because of his continued drug use but i would like to know what others think of this.

 

I know alot of people will think that i am stupid, heck i would have to agree with but i dont regret the choices I have made (staying with him in the first place) I have a wonderful blessing from god now because of those decisions.

 

i do have a lawyer i have been talking to.

 

and yes my only fear is that he will try to take her, or get unsuporvised visitation....when he wants to do something he can.

[stillafool]

What did the lawyer tell you regarding your situation?

[chatty]

the last time that i talked to him he told me that i could make it so that he only got visitation if it was suppervised, he could be ordered by the courts to take a fathering class, and to even read books on parenting.

 

i spoke to the lawyer before i found out about the drug use. I am just afraid that he will get his act together long enough to go through court, and then go back to being him self. he is a good manipulator

[chatty]

I just talked to a different lawyer and he told me that my husband would get visitation rights, and that they wouldn't have to be supervised! Now I am even more afraid to leave!

I'm going to call around to few more in my area right now but I am feeling discouraged at this point.