jmajews1 Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I am married with 3 kids. Our lives are very busy due to the number of activies our kids are involved in, so our schedule is very hectic. We are both deeply involved in our kids activies but I usually take my sons to practice and coach their baseball teams. We used to be very sensual and had a great sex life. Lately she seems disinterested in sex and has texted her friend (our neighbor) some discouranging text messages. I am finding myself very suspicious she is either having an affair or is on the verge. On our 14 year anniversary my son had T-ball and I am the coach. I told her I wish it would rain so we could spend time together and she conveyed the same, but she texted her friend the following (note she runs a lot with her friend which is a woman): Friend: Can you run tonite at 7pm? Wife: I should be able depending if [my son name] has baseball or because it is our 14 year anniversay today so if practice is cancelled then [me] will want 2 go out. Friend: OK happy anniversary. Wife: Thanks but I'm hoping I can run with u. My reaction is that she rather run than spend time with me on our anniversary. After T-ball we had dinner and she feel asleep briefly. I woke her up and we had relations. She seemed somewhat into it but I did not feel the phsyical or emotional attatchment with her. No foreplay and it seemed like she just wanted to get done with it. Last month we went on vacation, and on the way I stopped at car wash to wash the car. She texted the following: Friend: Where are u? Wife: Still in [state] and [me] stopped 2 get car clean. I told U he takes forever. My reaction to this is that she is dissatisfied with me due to taking 10 minutes to get the car wash. She used the words I told U, which implies she complained about me previously. Later we hit traffic due to construction and I attempted to take a detour. She texted: Friend: What time are you going to get there? Wife: Not sure we are stuck in traffic again. [Me] is taking detour so we will probably get lost. Friend: Oh no. Ill pray for u. Wife: I need it. My reaction is that she does not have confidence with me or my decision to try to find a better way via a detour. More importantly is the lack of confidence. On the way to our destination we hit a lot of construction traffic. On the way home I wanted to find an alternative route. Before we left I attempted to find an alternative route on the internet and she texted: Friend: Have you left? Wife: We are in the car waiting for [Me] he is trying to find alternative route. Well see how that goes. Again, lack of confidence in me trying to find a better way home. She showed no adversity towards me but texted her friend something different. On the way home our car started making a loud noise and I was concerned. We ended up breaking down and spending two days in a state on the way home. She texted her friend: Wife: It sucks on the road [Me] and I just got into a huge fight!! I hate him! This car is a piece of **** and he blames me. To my defense I did not blame her at all. I was more concerned about our safety and wanted to stop and get it checked out, but she wanted to keep driving to get home. FYI, car bearings went bad and the wheel could of fall off if I did not stop and get it fixed. A couple weeks later she texted her friend the following: I hate my life my husband sucks. Can never help because he is either at hockey or baseball. House is falling apart, my yard looks like sh*t, and some dropped egges on kitchen floor. I understand she may be fustrated, but all these indications and text messages makes me feel like she is not satisified with me and may be seeking more. She wants me to help out more but I am, I am taking the kids to events. These are the kids events, not mine. The "my husband sucks" comment is horrible. Am I just paranoid or is there some clues that I should be worried?
SoMovinOn Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 How do you know the contents of her text messages - Does she know you read them, or do you read them without her knowing? I don't think you're being paranoid. She definitely has some issues with you, but, I don't know if it's just "girl talk" or if it's more serious. It would seem the obvious answer would be for you to have some discussions with her and find out what's on her mind, how she feels. With the two of you always running around with the kids, she likely feels very disconnected from you - like you are each living separate lives, coming together occasionally.
Author jmajews1 Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 No she does not know I see her text messages and believe me this is the first time in 14 years I even had the intent of reading them. Something about her change in behavior in the recent years to my advances that inspired me to start reading her messages. I don't like to read them. I attempted to express my concerns but she does not think her behavior is different - but I would disagree. Either she is having unfaithful thoughts or an affair or she believes that her behavior is not much different.
KathyM Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 You need to be worried. Your wife is emotionally distancing herself from you and appears to be blaming you for her discontent. It's time to have a heart to heart talk with her and ask her if she's happy in your marriage, and let her know that you value your marriage and want to make sure you are doing everything you can to strengthen your marriage. You need to open up communication with her and find out what her feelings really are. This friend seems to be detrimental to your relationship. You need to tell your wife that if there is something that is troubling her or if she is unhappy about something, you want her to tell you so you can do something about it. As it is, this friend is triangling herself into your marriage and is interfering with your relationship with your wife. You need to take back the closeness and emotional intimacy that seems to be diluted by this friend. Quality time with you should involve her attention being focused on you--not some friend she is texting with. You may want to consider marriage counseling if you can't improve things on your own.
CC12 Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I think you're being overly paranoid about some of those messages, but others are clearly a sign that she's unhappy with you in some way. I'm not sure why you're jumping straight to suspicions of an affair. Have you seen any evidence at all? Would she even have time for one, with her busy schedule? I'd suggest you stop intruding upon her privacy by reading her personal communications with her friends. I imagine she'd feel somewhat violated if she found out that you saw her venting to a friend. Plus, I don't think it's very helpful for you, anyway. What can you do with that information? If you use it at all, you'll have to admit to snooping, and you probably don't want to do that. Although, it might help, actually. It would force the two of you to talk about issues like her frustrations with you and your lack of trust in her. She wants me to help out more but I am, I am taking the kids to events. These are the kids events, not mine. Yes, that is a form of "helping" but if your yard looks like **** and your house is falling apart and people drop eggs on the kitchen floor without cleaning them up, then someone is dropping the ball. Things aren't being taken care of like they should be. Your form of helping is getting out of the house and doing fun things with the kids. She's at home scrubbing dried egg bits off the floor. Surely you can understand how this would be frustrating. There are probably other problems in your relationship, but this stood out to me since she asked you to help more, and you basically refused.
standtall Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 (edited) JJ1, I can completely relate. I have been married 16 yrs, 3 kids, multiple sports (hockey and baseball as well], I coach 2. My wife is a SAHM, and she is still very very busy. Your wife's texting, and running relationship is 100% inappropriate with that man. She is emotional bonding with him, and if you do not intervene now, then it is a matter of time before she is in a full blown PA with him...if she is not already. You absolutely must put and end to that relationship period. Make sure you wife knows the consequences of her continuing her behavior...the loss of her family. I would also contact him and make it real clear that he is interfering with your family. If he is married, let his wife know. Once you have given him that warning, tell him that you will pursue him if he continues to pursue her. With that said, these parts are really troubling and indicate a total lack of respect for you "Thanks but I'm hoping I can run with u" "I told U he takes forever" "[Me] is taking detour so we will probably get lost." "I hate him!"I hate my life my husband sucks." You said I understand she may be fustrated, but all these indications and text messages makes me feel like she is not satisified with me and may be seeking more What more do you need to see? This is your wake up call with a truck. Women do not love men they do not respect. It is time to self audit your behavior and get you **** together and find out why she is seeking emotional fulfillment outside your marriage. Be there more for her....start running with her and get this dude out of your life! Man up and sit her down and ask her what it takes to be a better husband. If you do not act now, you will lose your family. Edited May 4, 2012 by standtall
KathyM Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 JJ1, I can completely relate. I have been married 16 yrs, 3 kids, multiple sports (hockey and baseball as well], I coach 2. My wife is a SAHM, and she is still very very busy. Your wife's texting, and running relationship is 100% inappropriate with that man. She is emotional bonding with him, and if you do not intervene now, then it is a matter of time before she is in a full blown PA with him...if she is not already. You absolutely must put and end to that relationship period. Make sure you wife knows the consequences of her continuing her behavior...the loss of her family. I would also contact him and make it real clear that he is interfering with your family. If he is married, let his wife know. Once you have given him that warning, tell him that you will pursue him if he continues to pursue her. With that said, these parts are really troubling and indicate a total lack of respect for you "Thanks but I'm hoping I can run with u" "I told U he takes forever" "[Me] is taking detour so we will probably get lost." "I hate him!"I hate my life my husband sucks." You said What more do you need to see? This is your wake up call with a truck. Women do not love men they do not respect. It is time to self audit your behavior and get you **** together and find out why she is seeking emotional fulfillment outside your marriage. Be there more for her....start running with her and get this dude out of your life! Man up and sit her down and ask her what it takes to be a better husband. If you do not act now, you will lose your family. According to the OP, the wife's friend is a woman who is a neighbor and a running buddy. It's not a man. But this neighbor is triangled into the OPs marriage, and he needs to get it back to where he is her confidant, and it is him whom she is communicating any marital issues with--not this neighbor. Complaining about your husband behind his back to the friend is destructive to the marriage, and he needs to get the communication back between his wife and himself in order to work out any issues she is unhappy about.
standtall Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 According to the OP, the wife's friend is a woman who is a neighbor and a running buddy. It's not a man. Wow..I missed that part..thanks for pointing it out. Well, the point still stands, just not the urgency anymore. Either way, he better start guarding the henhouse and figure out what is making her dis-respect him so much. OP..JJ1..if you have any bad habits, get them under control and start tending to that wife or yours...she will be straying shortly if things continue.
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