Gulf-Delta Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 (edited) I feel like such an idiot for holding on to hope that she' coming back. I know that logically, she probably won't. But another part of me is telling me to hold on because she will come back. Part of me is saying she'll wake up and realize what she's lost...this is just based on the kinda person she is and the fact that breakups like ours (worse in some cases) have been resolved and gotten back together. Even my own grandfather, 70yrs old, knows a lot about loss told me "___, Don't let her go". I mean this man is 70, and has lost a lot in life. A marriage, a career he loved....he knows something about regretting giving up on something. He's also one of the most influential, encouraging figures in my life, so his opinion/experience has a big impact on me. I don't know what to think :/ Edited May 4, 2012 by Gulf-Delta
LogicallyIllogical Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I've seen in other posts that you believe fate brought you and your ex together. If you're a believer in fate, and you think you and this girl are meant to be together again, it's only going to be after a substantial amount of time spent apart. She obviously wanted to see what else the world had to offer her, in one way or another, so try to let go for now. I know that you won't believe me when I say this, but as time goes by, you'll likely either meet someone new or will end up not wanting your ex back, probably both. The part of you that is holding on to hope will only prolong your pain. It's cliche, but focus on yourself. Try not to worry about your ex and whether or not she'll come back. Work out, socialize, do things that make you happy and better yourself so that the next girl(whether it's your ex or someone new) will have the best possible you that you can be.
Author Gulf-Delta Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 (edited) I've seen in other posts that you believe fate brought you and your ex together. If you're a believer in fate, and you think you and this girl are meant to be together again, it's only going to be after a substantial amount of time spent apart. She obviously wanted to see what else the world had to offer her, in one way or another, so try to let go for now. I know that you won't believe me when I say this, but as time goes by, you'll likely either meet someone new or will end up not wanting your ex back, probably both. The part of you that is holding on to hope will only prolong your pain. It's cliche, but focus on yourself. Try not to worry about your ex and whether or not she'll come back. Work out, socialize, do things that make you happy and better yourself so that the next girl(whether it's your ex or someone new) will have the best possible you that you can be. Thanks for replying While I do feel fate played a part in us being together, I also try to be realistic at the same time. Sometimes I feel like holding on to "fate will bring us back" is foolish of me, but some times it's the only way I can get through the day. Prior to meeting her, I never believed in that kind of stuff, but with her and I, there were just so many things that "added up" I guess...some of it is reaching, but some of it seems to much coincidence to be coincidence. I have been working on myself. I'm no gym guy, but I have started doing pushups/situps and walking a mile or two everyday. I've thrown myself into my studies and my music. But even when I focus on my hobbies and my career and even myself, she constantly pops in my head. I think about her and miss her for hours on end. My career (aviation) and hobbies only get me so far. Those are merely temporary distractions and when I finish a flight or write a song, the feelings come right back. They don't even work that well because I've written songs for my ex when she was with me and we always talked about me taking her flying, so even those things are reminders. I don't have many friends left. Most of my friends are overseas with the military, and a few of them got lost in a drug haze and I haven't seen them in forever. I really only have 2 friends left. They're a couple who went through a breakup a lot like mine, except they fixed it in a month. The male is obviously super-supportive because he went through what I'm going through. The girl in this couple is one of my ex's best friends, so avoiding hearing about her and stuff is difficult. I know I could move on and probably will...but I also think if I give up on her and she comes back I'll have screwed up and regret it. I don't have a problem with her "exploring", whatever that entails, because in my head, she'll realize she needs me. I just don't wanna live in some fantasy land about this. I mean, I've been NC since April 20, and I still have crying fits every couple days...I just feel kinda like, if I still care this much at this point, maybe it will work out. Maybe that means something. I'd just be better if I knew where her head was...she hasn't contacted but I don't know if it's because she's trying to leave me behind or because she's respecting my NC wishes (when I went NC I told her we both need space, this isn't goodbye forever, etc) Plus I'm 90% sure she has a new guy now, and I feel like he's replacing me and she'll have no reason to come back since she (probably) has a new guy. Regardless I'm sticking to my goal of 30 days NC, just to see how I feel and hopefully by then my head will be on straighter Edited May 4, 2012 by Gulf-Delta
LogicallyIllogical Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Thanks for replying While I do feel fate played a part in us being together, I also try to be realistic at the same time. Sometimes I feel like holding on to "fate will bring us back" is foolish of me, but some times it's the only way I can get through the day. Prior to meeting her, I never believed in that kind of stuff, but with her and I, there were just so many things that "added up" I guess...some of it is reaching, but some of it seems to much coincidence to be coincidence. I have been working on myself. I'm no gym guy, but I have started doing pushups/situps and walking a mile or two everyday. I've thrown myself into my studies and my music. But even when I focus on my hobbies and my career and even myself, she constantly pops in my head. I think about her and miss her for hours on end. My career (aviation) and hobbies only get me so far. Those are merely temporary distractions and when I finish a flight or write a song, the feelings come right back. They don't even work that well because I've written songs for my ex when she was with me and we always talked about me taking her flying, so even those things are reminders. I don't have many friends left. Most of my friends are overseas with the military, and a few of them got lost in a drug haze and I haven't seen them in forever. I really only have 2 friends left. They're a couple who went through a breakup a lot like mine, except they fixed it in a month. The male is obviously super-supportive because he went through what I'm going through. The girl in this couple is one of my ex's best friends, so avoiding hearing about her and stuff is difficult. I know I could move on and probably will...but I also think if I give up on her and she comes back I'll have screwed up and regret it. I don't have a problem with her "exploring", whatever that entails, because in my head, she'll realize she needs me. I just don't wanna live in some fantasy land about this. I mean, I've been NC since April 20, and I still have crying fits every couple days...I just feel kinda like, if I still care this much at this point, maybe it will work out. Maybe that means something. I'd just be better if I knew where her head was...she hasn't contacted but I don't know if it's because she's trying to leave me behind or because she's respecting my NC wishes (when I went NC I told her we both need space, this isn't goodbye forever, etc) Plus I'm 90% sure she has a new guy now, and I feel like he's replacing me and she'll have no reason to come back since she (probably) has a new guy. Regardless I'm sticking to my goal of 30 days NC, just to see how I feel and hopefully by then my head will be on straighter There's nothing wrong with not being a gym rat. Any exercise will release those endorphins. If you told her you needed space, she's just respecting that. Remember, just because she broke it off doesn't mean that she doesn't think of you as well, but she likely understands that you have to go through this without her. As far as friends, perhaps there are some old friends you can get in touch with? Maybe this couple has friends you can be introduced to? If she does in fact have a new guy, then she's moving on. If you really loved her, then you'll want her to be happy. I'm sure she wants the same for you. She will eventually look to see if there's greener grass out there, as will you. Remember, you'll date again when you're ready and can see if there's an upgrade out there. However, that being said, I don't think that anyone can "replace" someone. A new guy could be a rebound or her future husband, but you were special to her and no one can simply replace that. It's good that you're sticking to NC. If it's only been a couple of weeks or so, give yourself time. Don't rush yourself or be disappointed if you're not seeing progress. You're going to feel this way for awhile. Week by week, you'll think about her less and when she pops back into your head, it's like a punch in the gut. This happens over and over, but as time goes by, the punch becomes more of a pinch and eventually goes away altogether. You'll get there.
Author Gulf-Delta Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 (edited) There's nothing wrong with not being a gym rat. Any exercise will release those endorphins. If you told her you needed space, she's just respecting that. Remember, just because she broke it off doesn't mean that she doesn't think of you as well, but she likely understands that you have to go through this without her. As far as friends, perhaps there are some old friends you can get in touch with? Maybe this couple has friends you can be introduced to? If she does in fact have a new guy, then she's moving on. If you really loved her, then you'll want her to be happy. I'm sure she wants the same for you. She will eventually look to see if there's greener grass out there, as will you. Remember, you'll date again when you're ready and can see if there's an upgrade out there. However, that being said, I don't think that anyone can "replace" someone. A new guy could be a rebound or her future husband, but you were special to her and no one can simply replace that. It's good that you're sticking to NC. If it's only been a couple of weeks or so, give yourself time. Don't rush yourself or be disappointed if you're not seeing progress. You're going to feel this way for awhile. Week by week, you'll think about her less and when she pops back into your head, it's like a punch in the gut. This happens over and over, but as time goes by, the punch becomes more of a pinch and eventually goes away altogether. You'll get there. I know she still thinks of me, I just can't stop thinking this is just a speed bump...I just don't wanna have faith or hope and waste me time. The thing is, if she was free of her "new life" distractions, I could win her back. I KNOW it. But because we never talk, never hang out, I stand zero chance I do plan on being at least friends with this girl. One day. Not anytime soon. But right now, I just want her back, and I just don't know if that's what I should want. She never wronged me until the end when we decided to not be together. The things that keep me holding on is...I don't know her words and body language when we split up. When we were breaking up, she told me she loved me and I said I loved her. I don't know if it was legitimate, or if it was emotions running high (we were crying our eyes out), or if it was a lie altogether. When I asked for my engagement ring back, she cried and it took her about a week before it didn't "hurt" to take it off. When I went NC there was a look in her eye...it was REALLY heavy and I'll never forget it or the way her voice sounded when she said "don't forget about me, okay?" I mean, even when I think about it now (this was on April 12) it still hits me really hard and makes me tear up. That pain of me walking out on her...I could see and hear it all, and it's burned in my brain. It was so real...I've never seen such an authentic emotional pain in my life. She told me my proposal was the happiest day of her life. Things like this make me wanna hold on. I want her be happy. But I know that this path she's going down...the drinking, the partying, the empty people...it's only gonna lead to bad things for her. She's still in school and still pursuing her career, and I'm grateful for that, but I know that if she keeps going this way, she's gonna end up regretting it. Giving up a semi-stable life, for going out every night and clubbing like a child, is not going to lead to her being happy. Edited May 4, 2012 by Gulf-Delta
jennisfora Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Gulf, I know you want to protect her, but you can't. You can't protect someone from themself. She won't listen, and she will just resent you for it. Some people have to learn the hard way, and will not learn any other way. I know, i have done my share of stupid things. My mom told me not that long ago that for a smart girl, i sure made some dumb decisions. i was like, thanks mom, but i couldn't deny it. it was true. but, i wouldnt be the oddball i am today if i hadn't put myself through my trial by fire. *hugs*
Author Gulf-Delta Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 Gulf, I know you want to protect her, but you can't. You can't protect someone from themself. She won't listen, and she will just resent you for it. Some people have to learn the hard way, and will not learn any other way. I know, i have done my share of stupid things. My mom told me not that long ago that for a smart girl, i sure made some dumb decisions. i was like, thanks mom, but i couldn't deny it. it was true. but, i wouldnt be the oddball i am today if i hadn't put myself through my trial by fire. *hugs* I know. And that's what tears me up. She has such an amazing head on her shoulders...I just don't want her to lose herself and get to a point of no return. She'll never remember what's important or stay on track with some douche (yes, he is a douche) distracting her. That's what I fear :/
xxSRMxx Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Gulf, There were alot of things that me and my ex found strange about how we got together and we often spoke about ''fate''..... We have even said on the phone that we dont know if we will end up back together, maybe we will, maybe we wont. I secretly hope we do, but when I ever imagine it i always put it to the back of my mind. Its good that you are throwing yourself into your hobbies and keeping NC, I made continuous mistakes of breaking NC and it just puts you back to square one. Please try not to always think about a reconciliation, for now they are GONE. DONE. FINISHED. I know you are desperate for her to see the light, believe me, im desperate for my ex to see the light, but right now they wont. Sometimes it can take a new relationship for them to see that they miss what they did have, my friend who is like my brother came crying to me yesterday saying that although he is seeing a new girl and has slept with loads of girls he cannot get his ex out his mind. We cant predict the future, and we have no control over it either. so just carry on doing you, one day you might wake up and decide you dont even want her anymore, thats usually when they come running back.
IntoTheAbyss Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Gulf, I feel you man. I'm having a hard time letting go of the hope. After 7 years and 2 kids she was the one who gave up, not me. Was I perfect? No, neither was she, but with how things were going it wouldn't have lasted. There was no true perception of the real problems while we were together. It's been 2 months, limited contact due to daily swapping of the kids but we don't talk about our relationship or each other. Things haven't been pretty either since the split, a lot of stupid things have been said and done by both parties. I feel bad for it, but it doesn't seem to effect her. The fate complex is a tricky one, we had a really rough start (she was involved with someone else) and we almost broke it off in the first month. Then one night she called me over, I was really hesitant on keeping the relationship going after everything that happened and I called her while I was on my way out there. We started talking and I actually began explaining to her why we shouldn't be together .. want to know the creepy thing? We lost connection and I couldn't get her back on the phone so I just continued on to her place. As soon as I saw her I completely changed my mind, she told me she never wanted me to let her go or leave ever again. Now going back to the present, it's really easy to sit back and remember those moments. The truth is, I don't think she remembers any of those moments. All she knows is the failed attempts through the years to 'fix' things, it wasn't working so she moved on. I go through a lot of ups and downs throughout the day, 2 months later and sometimes I feel like I am better off without her, other times I just wish I could hold her and see that love she once had for me. But I haven't seen that look in her eyes for sometime. In time I think there will be some sort of regret on her part, but you also have to take into consideration how hard it was for her to do this to begin with. It might be enough to cancel out acting on the regret. Keep strong man.
jennisfora Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 mine seemed meant to be as well, there were some odd things, his mother and my mother have the same first and middle names, spelled the same way, which is unusual, and they both had a dog named junior, which was older with some health issues, plus they lived near each other, yet had never met. was very odd, plus, i was the middle child with two brothers, he was the middle child with two sisters. it was uncanny, i had more than one person say, wow, maybe it was meant to be..now i just think wow, maybe all of that was just weird coincidence. but, you know what, the 13 months i had were meant to be, and i am glad for it, despite everything. i truly loved him with all my heart, and still do. so, if all i get was a year, it was a year more than some might get, and it was not abusive, or dysfunctional, and i don't have any regrets really. i tried my hardest, you can't help what other people do or don't do, only what you can do. *hugs*
dsw31 Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 It's not stupid to keep hope. It's a natural emotion but, it definitely prolongs the pain. I have been feeling so good lately (after a breakup that I thought I would never feel good about) How you ask?....I gave up hope....finally. It feels good.You can't force the feeling but, what made me give up hope was, thinking that if my ex had the guts to break up with me-he obviously doesn't want me.His loss!
xxSRMxx Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 thats definately my new catchphrase! ''HIS LOSS'' because it really is.
robkris8079 Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 thats definately my new catchphrase! ''HIS LOSS'' because it really is. To answer the original question YES! But you're going to do it anyway. No stopping it. Reason it's stupid is because you are wasting your own precious time. Time you can be improving yourself and your life and making yourself available to find someone that loves you way more then your ex ever did. Another great saying I read on here is "they lost someone that truly loved them, all we lost was someone that didn't love us". In my mind goes right along with "His/her loss". I for one feel that my ex has lost way more then I did in this breakup. I also know she will be just fine as will I.
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