Musicmama05 Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Hi. I'm hoping that I can get some feed back on some things that I'm going through right now. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. Together for 9. We have an 8 year old DS and 6 year old DD. It's a long story so hopefully I can shorten it with the facts and get some advice. At the end of March I discovered that my husband had been on Backpage.com. I confronted him and he said he was just looking. We talked about the state of our marriage and decided that we would try to work things out for the next couple of months and see what happens. Well, all of a sudden last week he told me that he is unhappy and we should file for divorce. I was shocked because things had been going well, I thought. I asked him why he had a sudden change of heart and why he didn't want to work on our marriage. He told me that he had been unhappy for years, we are incompatible and the only thing we have in common is our children. He also told me that he felt forced to be with me as I had gotten pregnant with our son only 3 months after we met. He also told me he resented me for our financial problems because I was a stay at home mother for 3 years. We filed for bankruptcy and says that we filed only because I wasn't working. I think that if he would go to counseling we could work out our differences. He won't even consider it. He said the only thing that will make him happy is a divorce. I don't want this divorce. I do love him and want to make sure we try everything before it ends up that way. We have both consulted attorneys and I did file paperwork last week. I've cried everyday for the last week and we cannot afford for either one of us to move out at the moment so we are going to be staying in the house together with the kids until July. We have hardly spoken to each other and I cannot live like this for the next six weeks. I don't know what to do. I think we should just separate for the time being, get to know one another again and at least try. Maybe go out on dates, take a cooking class or something together. I'm racking my brain to try to figure out how to go about this. I know I can't make him love me, but he didn't say he didn't love me. Should I ask him for just a separation for now or should I just go through with the divorce?
Author Musicmama05 Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 Thank you for your response. I am hurting. Very much so. I have looked at the links and called my library to get the books you suggested. I feel desperate to save my marriage. I asked him again yesterday if he was sure he wanted this divorce. I had suggest just a separation to him so we can get to know each other again and he told me that he feels like he needs the divorce. He told me that he appreciated the fact that I am trying so hard to make things work, but he feels this is the right thing to do. I feel like such an idiot. We were at our son's game today and at the end the parents do a tunnel for the players. He actually stood across from me and we put our hands up to each other's and it was the first time we've touched in a week. I mentioned that to him and he kind of smiled at me like, yeah. After we got home, I was taking the kids to my moms and our daughter kissed him goodbye. I actually walked over to him like I was going to kiss him goodbye. I mentioned that too..I said oh I'm sorry I almost kissed you goodbye. He then proceeded to kiss me on the cheek. I miss him so much and I wish I could give him a hug and tell him we can do this. He is just not willing. I hate feeling so desperate. I also did a big thing for myself and my kids today. I put an offer on a house. He told me good luck. I just am so confused....
tojaz Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 Thank you for your response. I am hurting. Very much so. I have looked at the links and called my library to get the books you suggested. I feel desperate to save my marriage. I asked him again yesterday if he was sure he wanted this divorce. I had suggest just a separation to him so we can get to know each other again and he told me that he feels like he needs the divorce. He told me that he appreciated the fact that I am trying so hard to make things work, but he feels this is the right thing to do. I feel like such an idiot. We were at our son's game today and at the end the parents do a tunnel for the players. He actually stood across from me and we put our hands up to each other's and it was the first time we've touched in a week. I mentioned that to him and he kind of smiled at me like, yeah. After we got home, I was taking the kids to my moms and our daughter kissed him goodbye. I actually walked over to him like I was going to kiss him goodbye. I mentioned that too..I said oh I'm sorry I almost kissed you goodbye. He then proceeded to kiss me on the cheek. I miss him so much and I wish I could give him a hug and tell him we can do this. He is just not willing. I hate feeling so desperate. I also did a big thing for myself and my kids today. I put an offer on a house. He told me good luck. I just am so confused.... First thing, slow down. Getting panicked will do more harm then good. Right now the last thing you want is to put pressure on him because that is only going to push him one way.... away from you. So aside from his side trip to Backpage, what else did you discuss when you talked about your marriage? TOJAZ
Author Musicmama05 Posted May 6, 2012 Author Posted May 6, 2012 Well, my first post says pretty much what we discussed. He feels forced to be with me because of our kids. He resents me because of pervious financial problems. Says we have nothing in common and he just doesnt see us together in the future. I had a terrible nigt last night. I ended up crying in front of him again. He went out to a friends birthday party and i askes him to leave earlier because i was such a mess. He kissed our daughter then while I was crying he bent down, touched my shoulder and kissed my head. I am trying to be positive and am determined to make it alone if i have to but i dont want to. Our daugter askes why i waa crying and i told her i sont want to be divorced from daddy. She said well just tell him. I wish it was that easy. What can i do? He is house hunting as i type this..
spiderowl Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 I'm so sorry because what you are going through is incredibly painful. I can understand you not wanting to go ahead with it and finding it hard to believe that he could want this. But, he has clearly said he wants a divorce. There is nothing to gain from trying to persuade him to make it work any more. He has already opted out. He opted out ages ago. It's best to go ahead with the divorce, see a solicitor and get what you can for you and the kids to try to help you cope with this. Although your husband had instigated this divorce, you need to remember that whatever reasons he gave for wanting out, it is not your fault. Don't take it as a judgement on you or your value. In fact, his words were unkind, cruel, and not worthy of you. You have been a loving wife and mother. You deserve someone better than this guy who was never properly with you it seems. Being with someone who is so cut off and who implies he is resentful too, can't be good for you. You need to be with positive people who care about you. The best thing you can do for yourself at the moment is to seek support from others close to you - friends, family, a counsellor, your doctor, these forums. Others will support you and remind you of your worth. This is a tough time, take what help you can get and don't feel guilty about it. I think you know there is no point bargaining with him and would you really want to bargain with someone who seems very cold and thoughtless? I think you deserve better. 1
Author Musicmama05 Posted May 8, 2012 Author Posted May 8, 2012 I didn't say he wasn't interested in the kids, I said he felt forced to be with me and stay with me because of our kids. I don't think he is confused at all. He knows that he wants a divorce. I received news today that the paperwork is ready. He will be served with them by my attorney next week. He went and looked at a house today. I put an offer on a house that is close to family thank god. I am still crying everyday. My emotions change every minute. One minute I'm almost excited and looking forward to getting on with my life and decorating a house and just living alone with the kids. The next I'm thinking of something that we won't do together anymore and balling my eyes out. Thank god we don't have a house that we have to sell. Luckily our house is leased and our lease is up next month..that's why we are both looking for someplace to live. He's already opened up his own checking accounts. I want him to see that I can do this without him and I will make it. I have a lot of support from family and friends...he has no one in this area. I think he's going to find that the grass isn't greener on the other side.
spiderowl Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 You are probably right about the grass being greener but what can you do other than to accept he's going ahead? There is a freedom in acceptance and relief. It's completely natural to have very mixed feelings. I know, I went through the same. Looking forward and then being upset about what is being lost, the little landmarks that won't be the same. But you will develop new ways of dealing with these and gradually you will find you have independence and freedom to meet someone else, should you want to. It is a new dawn as well as a loss. Cry about the loss, talk to family, then look forward to the freedoms - having choice about what you do and who you see. It's really worthwhile. It sounds like you are taking steps to move forward and that's great. One step at a time ... Wishing you all the best xx
Author Musicmama05 Posted May 8, 2012 Author Posted May 8, 2012 This is still very painful for me. I still don't want to give up any kind of hope that this is over. I am aware of what is going on but I am still not ready to totally accept it. We have 5 more weeks to live together. I just feel like I want to walk up to him and hug him. I'm tired of crying in front of him but if I'm not crying about something, I'm cold as ice to him. He is attempting to make conversation with me and I just freeze him out because I'm so hurt.
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