Ingridf Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 :(:(Just a brief summary. I've been with my bf for just over 2 yrs. I'm 24 he's 34. Separated and has 4 kids. That's fine by me. 1st thing he told me when he met me was that he's cheated on every woman he's been with and that was looking to settle down. So we both gave it a shot. Several months down the line, I found some chat with another girl. Chat was sexual and basically him asking to go over to her place for some... Confronted him about it and he said it was just a joke first. Then admitted he was ready to go down the old path and cheat on me, but 'god' stopped him. This hurt me and I lost trust. He even gets angry and in a mood with me if I go out once in a while with my family and is very jealous which he admits and says its only because he lives me that he is that way. I've forgiven the chat stuff,but never forgot. He's a very sexual person, and since then I've never felt enough for him. He's constantly watching porn and messing about when he's alone, and that to me is disrespectful. We had fought about it and said he'll stop. Anyway to cut the long story short we never were the perfect couple in the sense that we argued at least once month or two. Each time I get ignored for 2 dAys, he then breaks up with me and starts texting saying he's sorry. I genuinely love the guy and go back to him with the hope that he'd change. And that we'd try things differently each time. But it all happens again. Couple of days ago I tried speaking to him about some problem we've had and he straight out ignored me. Went up to bed and fell asleep. Next morning he text saying its over and he can't live like this anymore. And got all nasty with me. Now he's sent me a message saying he misses me and that he will wait for me. Few minutes later he's sent a message asking me to post the key of his house. Honestly I'm just lost. I've been through so much, hurt so many times but I still love him. Yet again part of me wants to just give in with hope that maybe one day things could change, but I am scared of having to go through all this again in the next few months. He makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him, and only nice when things are ok between us. I'm just so confused and dunno whether to ignore him or what. Each message I get my heart beats as soon as my phone rings. But there's nothing nice in the text he sends. It's just like he's not bothered and never really loved me. Even though he says I'm the person he's ever really loved.
geegirl Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 (edited) I had an ex-boyfriend that is like yours. I caught him cheating and soon after the break-up found out he had cheated with several women. I confronted him and he broke down and admitted that he's always cheated on all his girlfriends and while a part of him wants to change, he knows he won't because he knows he will go back to his ways. Even after that he still kept coming back and I had to struggle to keep away from him. He missed the familiarity and the security of having me there, something he admitted to months after the break-up when I told him to stop and leave me alone. It had nothing to do with love. While they want to get their bells jingled outside, they still want to have the security of having someone there for them. He's still doing the same thing. In one year and 4 months I have seen him with 4 different women and that's only the ones I have seen. You can wait for change but if it hasn't already happened, it most likely never will. If you take him back, it only teaches him that you will submit to his behavior. It tells him you are tolerant of infidelity and that will be his pass to continue doing what he's doing. Love is a wonderful feeling. It's not supposed to cheat on you, hurt you or make you feel inadequate. This is not love. It's a toxic attachment. I can't tell you what to do because I know you will go back. Sometimes people have to learn the hard way. Maybe you will decide this is it. Maybe he'll drag you down till you can't take it anymore. Maybe you will stay and live a life you settle for. The answer you do know is that this is not good for you and that it won't get better. It only gets better when he's afraid to lose you but his core behavior remains the same. Change can happen, if he wants to seek help and truly work on himself. Even then, there is no guarantee. Edited May 3, 2012 by geegirl 1
pteromom Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Yours is a perfect example of using EMOTION to make important life decisions rather than logic. Read what you've written as if it was from a girlfriend asking for advice. She got into a relationship with a man who admitted upfront that he's a cheater. She caught him cheating. (sex-chatting with a woman IS cheating, and he didn't just accidentally end up in that situation - he was seeking it out!) He has her believing that because he is so sexual, she's not good enough. Really?????? IGNORE HIM!!!!!! You are enough, and if you are with the right person, it will be obvious it's enough. The reason you aren't enough for him has nothing to do with something being wrong with you - it's because NOBODY is enough for him because he's a CHEATER. Sometimes "love" isn't enough. The number one indicator of being in a successful relationship is that you feel accepted and free to be the person you are. That is not the case here. You are feeling "less than", you are feeling confused, you are feeling unloved. That's not a successful relationship. Let this guy go, and find a guy who admits upfront that he's never cheated on a girlfriend, and who treats you as if he loves you. 1
CaliBabe Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 He keeps treating you like garbage and then comes back with the "i'm sorry", "i love you" because he KNOWS you will take him back. Everytime. The man does not respect you. You have already caught him red handed trying to have sex with another woman... This is a no brainer. 1
Author Ingridf Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 It's been a couple of days and he's not texted. Yesterday I get a message from him saying if I ever want to talk to him again he still loves me and is ready to be with me properly and fix things. I've ignored it and within an hour he's sent 4 messages saying that the biggest regret he has is listening and wasting his time with a child like me. Everything he's done wrong in the past with other women he is now paying back for with me. And the same way he's let me into his heart he'll take me back out this time with revenge. By now I've ignored all this and sent the last messages saying, he knows I'm ignoring him cause I'm 'busy' and that I don't care about him anymore, but the time will come and I was, is and always will be just a child and do what the f*** I want now. that's the last I've heard from him and I've not answered to any of that. Even though it hurts to hear those words from someone I love and have given so much to. Some reason I do believe in him, that he would change his ways but then just drags me down with something like this. Maybe it's just me being naive and believing that he loves me and is just afraid of losing me. He's always said I'm the only one he's ever loved and his family said that too. Maybe he doesn't know any better or doesn't know how to go about things the right way. I honestly don't know what to do, whether I should message if it's true he lives me and is just finding it hard or leaving it at that.
geegirl Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 (edited) Some reason I do believe in him, that he would change his ways but then just drags me down with something like this. Maybe it's just me being naive and believing that he loves me and is just afraid of losing me. He's always said I'm the only one he's ever loved and his family said that too. Maybe he doesn't know any better or doesn't know how to go about things the right way. I honestly don't know what to do, whether I should message if it's true he lives me and is just finding it hard or leaving it at that. You're confusing believing in him with being emotionally dependent and crippled by him. You've become an extension of him. Molded your thoughts and beliefs around him. Change comes from within. It comes from him. Sitting around and wondering and pondering if he can change is futile. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior and for someone who is a repeat offender, it's most likely what you'll further experience with someone like him. You can make excuses for him and bargain with yourself in your heart and mind because you're too afraid and broken to accept the realities of your situation. We've all done that but making excuses for someone is just another way for you to keep brainwashing yourself into believing why a bad situation is good for you. Rather than make excuses for him and paint him as the tortured soul, you need to start looking at yourself. Picture a healthy relationship with a man that reciprocates love (real love and not this toxicity you confuse as love), trust, commitment, kindness and empathy and compare that with what you have now. I was in bad relationships and most times my emotional wiring was so tangled that "bad situations" was all that I knew. The more toxic it was the more I confused myself into believing that the drama and pain was intense love. It wasn't love but a toxic attachment. Two unhealthy people holding on because that was all they knew. This is all you know and this is all your ex knows. It's an addiction one that is hard to break. Now that I have a man in my life who's been the opposite of those that I have been in relationships with, it's a wonder that I was so blind before. You're idealizing him rather than taking off the rose colored glasses and seeing him for the cheating, manipulative, unkind person that he is. You know this but you've settled and set the bar so low for yourself that this is all you believe you are deserving and good for. And that is what my ex's family said and what my ex said about me being the only one he loves. Sadly, it wasn't enough to make a happy and healthy relationship. It takes more than "love" to make it work. Love is just a slice of the pie and you really have nothing of substance to support or build any type of foundation. You can sit there and speculate about his feelings for you but if someone loved you and didn't want to lose you, they'd be by your side wanting to compromise. It's pretty simple. It's not about being domineering and manipulative setting terms and rules that you need to obey to make it work. If that's how you see your life, being subservient and treated poorly, then good for you. Two self-destructive people who feed off each other. But two people in a healthy relationship, compromise. And it's easy. You speak of change. Well, change can happen but for you. If you want your life to change, you have to make different choices for yourself. If you repeat the same patterns but expect different results, then that's the definition of insanity. I trust Einstein knows what he's talking about! You can't make him change nor can you hope to expect change but you can change the situation for yourself. I don't see this getting any better. This is his core. This is who he is. Accept that and be with him or move on. And please stop asking him if he loves you and if he's finding it hard. Again, making excuses for him. He's not a child. If he's not capable of expressing himself and giving you what you need then you need to be alone and work on rebuilding your self esteem and finding someone that does not need fixing, who can give you what you want in a relationship. Edited May 5, 2012 by geegirl
geegirl Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 And you're only 24 Ingrid. It would be sad to see you path and taint your life at such a young age by engaging yourself with such negativity and destructive behaviors. I feel bad for you because I was just like you. He's had some life experiences as in being married, divorce, 4 kids and all that but you're just starting out in life. You know deep down there has to be better than this. Don't settle. This is only a sliver of your life and imagine all the years to come, positive experiences and people that will cross your life. I hope you see the light.
RedDevil66 Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 You're confusing believing in him with being emotionally dependent and crippled by him. You've become an extension of him. Molded your thoughts and beliefs around him. Change comes from within. It comes from him. Sitting around and wondering and pondering if he can change is futile. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior and for someone who is a repeat offender, it's most likely what you'll further experience with someone like him. You can make excuses for him and bargain with yourself in your heart and mind because you're too afraid and broken to accept the realities of your situation. We've all done that but making excuses for someone is just another way for you to keep brainwashing yourself into believing why a bad situation is good for you. Rather than make excuses for him and paint him as the tortured soul, you need to start looking at yourself. Picture a healthy relationship with a man that reciprocates love (real love and not this toxicity you confuse as love), trust, commitment, kindness and empathy and compare that with what you have now. I was in bad relationships and most times my emotional wiring was so tangled that "bad situations" was all that I knew. The more toxic it was the more I confused myself into believing that the drama and pain was intense love. It wasn't love but a toxic attachment. Two unhealthy people holding on because that was all they knew. This is all you know and this is all your ex knows. It's an addiction one that is hard to break. Now that I have a man in my life who's been the opposite of those that I have been in relationships with, it's a wonder that I was so blind before. You're idealizing him rather than taking off the rose colored glasses and seeing him for the cheating, manipulative, unkind person that he is. You know this but you've settled and set the bar so low for yourself that this is all you believe you are deserving and good for. And that is what my ex's family said and what my ex said about me being the only one he loves. Sadly, it wasn't enough to make a happy and healthy relationship. It takes more than "love" to make it work. Love is just a slice of the pie and you really have nothing of substance to support or build any type of foundation. You can sit there and speculate about his feelings for you but if someone loved you and didn't want to lose you, they'd be by your side wanting to compromise. It's pretty simple. It's not about being domineering and manipulative setting terms and rules that you need to obey to make it work. If that's how you see your life, being subservient and treated poorly, then good for you. Two self-destructive people who feed off each other. But two people in a healthy relationship, compromise. And it's easy. You speak of change. Well, change can happen but for you. If you want your life to change, you have to make different choices for yourself. If you repeat the same patterns but expect different results, then that's the definition of insanity. I trust Einstein knows what he's talking about! You can't make him change nor can you hope to expect change but you can change the situation for yourself. I don't see this getting any better. This is his core. This is who he is. Accept that and be with him or move on. And please stop asking him if he loves you and if he's finding it hard. Again, making excuses for him. He's not a child. If he's not capable of expressing himself and giving you what you need then you need to be alone and work on rebuilding your self esteem and finding someone that does not need fixing, who can give you what you want in a relationship. This is seriously the BEST post /advice and insight I have ever read on this site. Well said, well explained and I myself can learn a lot from this. You can tell you've had your own amount of pain to be able to dig deep enough to write this thank you
geegirl Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 You can tell you've had your own amount of pain to be able to dig deep enough to write this thank you Yes Red. I have gone through the cheaters and manipulators and your story along with Ingrids, and others with similar experiences always hits home for me. I was unfortunate enough to see him in the act with another. I thought I was going to die and actually wanted to. That was the lowest I've ever hit and I felt I could never swim up again. But I did. I wish there was a way to instill belief that there is better and even if you're alone, it's so much more fulfilling compared to being in a situation that emotionally and mentally damages you to nothing, all because you believe in a false sense of love. Granted the pain of ending is painful but in time, you recover and you re-emerge. That pain is only temporary. Remaining in a destructive relationship for the sake of "love" is a permanent pain that will always, always keep on hurting you. I'm in such a better place now and wish that one day you both find it too.
Author Ingridf Posted May 8, 2012 Author Posted May 8, 2012 Thanks for ur reply. It's just heartbreaking knowing that in his eyes I wasn't the one good enough. Especially today when he drops off my stuff where I work. He stayed parked next to my car until I walked up to it. Then drove off and plainly ignored me and did not say a word. Then I get a text from him saying I should change my character, find someone else and this time take care of him. What??? I'm speechless. Don't even know whether I should bother replying to that or just ignore it. It just hurts for him to see me as a piece of crap like that
jennisfora Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 ignore him, he is belittling you because he is hurt, and trying to make you feel crappy, because he knows he is crappy. people who treat others poorly often hate themselves. this guy does not deserve you. he needs to change his character and look for a doormat, because he does not value women. you are better off without someone damaging your self esteem like this. if you hear verbal abuse long enough, you start to think it is true..stay away if you value your sanity/health. *hugs*
jennisfora Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 ps...there is "no one that is good enough." he has a problem, it isn't your fault, nor does it have anything to do with your worth. there will never be a person that is "good enough" for him, because he is not "good enough." he has no respect for others, and how his actions cause pain.
geegirl Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 (edited) Thanks for ur reply. It's just heartbreaking knowing that in his eyes I wasn't the one good enough. Especially today when he drops off my stuff where I work. He stayed parked next to my car until I walked up to it. Then drove off and plainly ignored me and did not say a word. Then I get a text from him saying I should change my character, find someone else and this time take care of him. What??? I'm speechless. Don't even know whether I should bother replying to that or just ignore it. It just hurts for him to see me as a piece of crap like that Respond? Don't respond. If anything you will go out there and find someone that will take care of you and vice versa. He's lashing out because he wants to make you feel bad because if he can't get what he wants he will sure as hell make you pay for it. So, what's the best way to make you pay? Insult you and disrespect you. You're letting an emotionally and mentally crippled man define you and decide your worth. The only person that has the power to do that is you. Maybe this will make you realize the bullet you dodged. What if you married this guy and had children with him (in addition to his 4), and he continued to cheat on you and treat you poorly. Not only would you be affected by his behavior, but your children would suffer the repercussions as well. You have to look at the bigger picture. I'm sure you have dreams and goals in life. It better not be being tied down by a cheating assclown. Edited May 8, 2012 by geegirl
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