InfiniteLoop Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 I have been in my relationship with my GF for about a year. I am 31, she is 30. I feel like everything is perfect except two related things. She isn't very emotional sensitive. She very rarely says I love you or initiates touching or anything (but she doesn’t mind and even likes it when I do). I know she loves me, but this lack of "showing" love bothers me. The only way that I feel loved at times is when we have sex. If this was the only issue, I would have no problem, but this leads me to the second part of the problem. A health problem has recently made having sex difficult for her (a constant pain that increases during sex). Obviously and understandably, this makes her not to want to have sex. After talking it over with her, she has had this pain before she met me, but didn't tell me sooner because the pain wasn’t intense enough to limit her as it currently is. In terms of frequency we went from having sex 4-5 times a week at the beginning to now once every week or every other week. I know there are other ways to have sex other than actual intercourse, but I feel guilty/selfish asking to do this as I know she is in pain and she never initiates this type of activity. So this leaves me waiting until she finally decided she wants sex when she is either horny, or feels bad for me. Both of these cases stink, because I don't want her to have sex with me out of pity. And in the other case when she has sex because she is horny, it is like telling me that she can deal with the pain when she is horny, but so what when I am horny. Ideally, I would wait before making a decision. This problem might go away. But she wants us to buy a house, get married and have a kid(s) and soon. I would be fine with all of this if this issue wasn’t present. I think to myself quite often that I love her and want her to be my wife, but when we haven’t had sex in a while I start to doubt if I can survive this in the long term due to both the lack of feeling loved and the lack of sex. My last relationship was a sexless relationship and it was miserable. It also makes me nervous that if the sex frequency has dropped off this much in the first year, how low will it go after marriage or a kid? I don’t want to start down the path of house/marriage/kid until I am sure it will work. I am not trying to be insensitive to her condition. I just don’t know what to do. It is one thing to be paralyzed, but quite another when you are still physically able but choose not too.
TheFinalWord Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 I have been in my relationship with my GF for about a year. I am 31, she is 30. I feel like everything is perfect except two related things. She isn't very emotional sensitive. She very rarely says I love you or initiates touching or anything (but she doesn’t mind and even likes it when I do). I know she loves me, but this lack of "showing" love bothers me. The only way that I feel loved at times is when we have sex. If this was the only issue, I would have no problem, but this leads me to the second part of the problem. A health problem has recently made having sex difficult for her (a constant pain that increases during sex). Obviously and understandably, this makes her not to want to have sex. After talking it over with her, she has had this pain before she met me, but didn't tell me sooner because the pain wasn’t intense enough to limit her as it currently is. In terms of frequency we went from having sex 4-5 times a week at the beginning to now once every week or every other week. I know there are other ways to have sex other than actual intercourse, but I feel guilty/selfish asking to do this as I know she is in pain and she never initiates this type of activity. So this leaves me waiting until she finally decided she wants sex when she is either horny, or feels bad for me. Both of these cases stink, because I don't want her to have sex with me out of pity. And in the other case when she has sex because she is horny, it is like telling me that she can deal with the pain when she is horny, but so what when I am horny. Ideally, I would wait before making a decision. This problem might go away. But she wants us to buy a house, get married and have a kid(s) and soon. I would be fine with all of this if this issue wasn’t present. I think to myself quite often that I love her and want her to be my wife, but when we haven’t had sex in a while I start to doubt if I can survive this in the long term due to both the lack of feeling loved and the lack of sex. My last relationship was a sexless relationship and it was miserable. It also makes me nervous that if the sex frequency has dropped off this much in the first year, how low will it go after marriage or a kid? I don’t want to start down the path of house/marriage/kid until I am sure it will work. I am not trying to be insensitive to her condition. I just don’t know what to do. It is one thing to be paralyzed, but quite another when you are still physically able but choose not too. Go to a sex therapist. There may be physical reasons she is having pain. I would not just ignore this. Sex is critical for a marriage! I would seek professional help though.
InJest Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Definitely do not buy a house, get married, or get her pregnant until this is fully resolved. By fully resolved, I mean she is showing affection and/or having sex on a reasonably frequent basis(multiple times a week). Tell her point blank, that you don't feel like she loves you, and you can't agree to get married with no sex life.
pteromom Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 I am not trying to be insensitive to her condition. I just don’t know what to do. It is one thing to be paralyzed, but quite another when you are still physically able but choose not too. If everything else is wonderful, it is worth seeing a counselor. BUT - She is who she is. I am not nearly as physically demonstrative about love as my husband is, and it's been a point of contention since the beginning. I like being touched when I want it, but find it extremely irritating otherwise. If it was up to my husband, we'd be touching/kissing/holding each other while sleeping, etc. and that's just NOT ME. I try to give him affection often enough that he feels loved, but I am not a touchy-touchy person, and I never will be. If sex frequency and affection is going down after a year, I think it is likely it will continue to go down. Another issue - the pain. I have pain during intercourse too, due to issues from surgery. And yes, when I am horny, it lessens the pain. Haven't you ever had a headache during sex, but are able to ignore it, then after you come, you notice how horrible it is? Same thing... when horny, the pain is on the back burner. But when NOT horny, it's hard to ignore. It HURTS. And it adds another layer of emotional pain when I am hurting, and my partner is moaning in pleasure, oblivious to my pain. I guess what all this adds up to is that your wife sounds similar to me. So what can MY HUSBAND do to inspire me to want to be affectionate and want sex? 1. Happily meet my needs. When he listens and tries to understand me and wants to make me happy, it inspires me to want to do the same for him. 2. Be happy and flirty. If he's the happy, joking, flirting guy I fell in love with, I get horny. If he's mopey and whiny about me not wanting sex more often, I get turned off. 3. Be appreciative of the love and affection I give. If I spend an evening giving a massage, having great sex, kissing, etc., and the next day he's upset because I don't want sex again, it makes me wonder what the point is. If I spend 30 minutes cuddling and talking, and when I am done and want to do something else, he gets mad/sad about it being over, it makes me not want to do it in the first place. Take these two scenarios: I walk up to him and give him a huge hug. He smiles and hugs me back. I give him a kiss and say I am off to the mall. He says "I love you!" and I say "I love you too!" and he smiles and waves me off. His happiness about the hug and kiss makes me want to come back and give him more! Or I walk up to him and give him a huge hug. He grabs ahold of me like it's the last time he'll get the chance. I give him a kiss and say I am off to the mall. He whines "Noooooo...." and keeps clinging to me. I pry myself away and leave while he gives me sad eyes. I leave knowing I am going to be in an argument about this later. This makes me NOT WANT TO COME BACK. And it definitely reinforces the thought that I do NOT want to show him affection because it causes issues. So what do you do to inspire her to be affectionate? That's what I would focus on first, actually. But she's not going to magically turn into someone she isn't. And it is up to you to decide whether you can be happy with someone who isn't as demonstrative as you are, or whether you'd rather move on and find someone more compatible with you in that area. Sorry for the book! LOL
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