Author trader Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 I'm sorry, because my comment isn't really helpful, but I'm writing just to explain what I think. You've not reconciled yet. You live separate lives, in separated spaces. You may reconcile, yes. But that hasn't happened yet. And, by the way you're telling things, it's highly probable that your wife will do it again sometime in the future. Your marriage had a problem. Are you sure you and her are addressing it? She lied and manipulated you. Why did she do it? What kind of a person is she, to do such an horrid thing? Has she adressed her personal issues? You see... you haven't lied. You haven't cheated. She did. She is the problem. Is she trying to fix herself? 1. To reestablish a close relationship between. v.intr.1. To reestablish a close relationship, as in marriage: The estranged couple reconciled after a year. By the dictionary standards we have reconciled. I know all the work isn't done, but that is the nature of the beast. Our marriage will never be the same again. Period. Divorce or reconcile, it doesn't matter, this year 2012, will always be remembered as a time of pain and betrayal. The marriage lost its virginity, so to speak. Its what we do going forward that will count. I believe it can be better and more open than ever. That is what we are working on.
karnak Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Well... as long as you're willing to forget her mistake and as long as she's willing to never do it again... then, yes, your marriage can continue. Not better or worse than before. Just different. But, if she does it again, you only have two options: divorce or an open marriage.
drifter777 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 (edited) The only thing I really take issue with is your statement "if I had followed advice on this forum we would be divorced". I mean, you already acknowledged your case if radically different so WTF? The overwhelming percentage of BS's on this forum have only their own experiences to guide them, and they give advice and sympathy from that context. By definition, nothing any of us say is "wrong" since it is the right thing in our opinion. It may not fit your circumstances, but it's not wrong. We all know what works for the majority of cases, and we've all seen BS's disagree vehemently with that advice only to come back saying "you were all right, she played me for a chump and I finally see it". Again, I hope your story ends differently. Edited August 28, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Author trader Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 Well... as long as you're willing to forget her mistake and as long as she's willing to never do it again... then, yes, your marriage can continue. Not better or worse than before. Just different. But, if she does it again, you only have two options: divorce or an open marriage. Can't forget unless I get early alzheimers. But I have forgiven.
Author trader Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 There is no stated reason for them to be living in separate homes. If they were truly reconciled they'd be sharing sleeping quarters. They're obviously not. It could only fairly be called "reconciliation" if the status quo prior to her cheating was that they lived in separately. But that would mean it wasn't much of a marriage to begin with. OP, why aren't you sleeping with your wife? I sleep at her house about three or four nights each week. Her lease will not be over until next Aug. I plan to remodel which will mean a lot of demolition to our home. Since she works, this will be easier for both of us.
karnak Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Judging from your posts, it's obvious you've fully pardoned your wife. That mean that your marriage's survival only depends on your wife. If she wants to be with you and respect you, then you'll be married for the rest of your days. End of story. 1
Author trader Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 Judging from your posts, it's obvious you've fully pardoned your wife. Forgiven. I have. Pardoned? I am not sure what that means in this application. Forgiving is a weird concept when you think about it. Forgiving does more for the forgiver than the forgiven. Personally, I think if I harbor resentment over this, it would make it much more difficult for both of us. That mean that your marriage's survival only depends on your wife. If she wants to be with you and respect you, then you'll be married for the rest of your days. End of story. The marriage's survival will always depend on each of us, individually. One alone cannot make the marriage succeed, but either of us could destroy it. How could it be any other way?
FryFish Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 Sadly, I think trader will be back in the not too distant future... With a post of "I should have listened"... 3
RobD70 Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 I remember my first false R, it lasted 6 months.
Author trader Posted August 29, 2012 Author Posted August 29, 2012 (edited) Sadly, I think trader will be back in the not too distant future... With a post of "I should have listened"... I remember my first false R, it lasted 6 months. Is it possible to be neutral? Let me guess, the glass - is half-empty, right? Why I think my situation is different: Other than the Joy ->NOT!<- of young adult children, the wife and I always had a great relationship for the majority of our 22 years. We actually like each other. The darkness that really spoiled our joy was when my daughter moved in with us a few years ago. READ thread for whole story. The resulting turmoil my daughter (her stepdaughter) put us through spoiled any good fun or sex we needed to keep our marriage alive. Daughter is gone. Learned that lesson the hard way. We now spend a lot of quality time together and are both committed to doing this every week we can. This is why I disagree the greatest with the philosophy of most forum posters. If you only hash and rehash the negative consequences of the A, all you do is relive the pain. Not a positive relationship building experience, IMO. If however, both of you want to make the marriage work, and we do. I believe it is far more constructive to get back to the basics of what made you fall in love in the first place. Do chit together! Have fun dammit! You can still hash and rehash the problems. But kick it down a few notches and make fun and companionship a priority in the meantime. I rarely read that advice on this forum. Why did your spouse seek another? Maybe they are simply low life scum. I know those peeps exist. If that is the only reason, why would you want to be with them at all? But if you can admit the marriage wasn't what it used to be, perhaps you contributed to the unhappiness, then why not get back to that place where you did fun things with the wife or husband ? Perhaps if you put the fun and togetherness back into the marriage there won't ever be any room for another person to steal your mate's heart. There are no guarantees in life, no doubt. How does the saying go? Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. Nothing ventured - nothing gained. If you are risk adverse, perhaps this is bad advice. That just isn't me. I figure all people are not perfect, that not only includes my wife, but the man I look at in the mirror. My approach to my problem is open heart and open eyes. So far I am happy with the progress. Only time will tell. Edited August 29, 2012 by trader 1
FryFish Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 This was the SECOND time your wife cheated...? That you know of for sure... Your attitude indicates that you are either "into" this sort of thing or she has broken you deep down somewhere... Or perhaps you had your own affairs...? I can see the whole "I will just forget and move on" thing if you are also forgetting your own indiscretions...
Author trader Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 This was the SECOND time your wife cheated...? That you know of for sure... Your attitude indicates that you are either "into" this sort of thing or she has broken you deep down somewhere... Or perhaps you had your own affairs...? I can see the whole "I will just forget and move on" thing if you are also forgetting your own indiscretions.. There is a axiom of communication I live by and never forget - "Words do not convey meaning, instead they conjur meaning." I think that happens in this infidelity forum a lot, understandably. Please do not be offended, but I have tried to make myself very clear that I "Can't forget unless I get early alzheimers. But I have forgiven." THAT is my quote. I am forgetting NOTHING. I forgive, as I stated before, I think forgivness helps the forgiver, MORE than the forgiven. I believe if I resent my wife for her indiscretions, I will surely sabotage any chance for our future. I'll bet if I got a year of IC, I would have to come to the same conclusion, but I get that now. I feel my wife had one affair. I want to be sure I understand why you think two. I have a guess that makes sense to me, but could you clarify so I am sure why you formed that idea? BTW, I have had no extra-marital affairs. EVER. I never even cheated on a girlfriend in my life. 1
lordmayhem Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 Sadly, I think trader will be back in the not too distant future... With a post of "I should have listened"... Agreed. Pure rug sweeping. They all think that their situation is special and their WS truly remorseful. I've seen this time and time again in other forums. There's a reason that nurses and teachers are the top professions for women that cheat. 1
Author trader Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 There's a reason that nurses and teachers are the top professions for women that cheat. That reason is? Just curious.
lordmayhem Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 That reason is? Just curious. Same reason why the top professions for male cheaters are doctors, cops, lawyers, real estate agents, and engineers. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.
Author trader Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 (edited) Same reason why the top professions for male cheaters are doctors, cops, lawyers, real estate agents, and engineers. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. OK. I don't figure it out. Help me. Edited August 30, 2012 by trader
turnera Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 trader, are you going to have her sign a post-nup stating that she walks away with nothing if you catch her cheating again? If so, go for it. If not, you have taught her to just get better at hiding. 1
Artie Lang Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 talk about being in denial, and using philosophy to bolster your rugsweeping. good luck with that one, ye olde sage. 2
Author trader Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 I wish I had read this before posting my prior lengthy trying-to-be-helpful post. Trader, in your very first post in the thread, you clearly state your wife cheated with 1) a 43 year old man and 2) a 27 year old man. That's two affairs (that you know about). There's nothing to "guess" at. 1 + 1 = 2, simple arithmetic. It is a fair calculation. I only wanted to be sure you have read everything. rather than me recapping the whole history. This last separation, had gone on 8 months before the first affair, which began in Feb. When that affair occured, all communication broke down immediately. I could not call her without hostility (smoke screen.) I cut off talking on the phone completely right then. There was a joint financial liability that alos occcured during this. At first, I thought her anger over that was reason for the hostility. So I thought I would let her cool off. I simply stopped calliing her. I have a rule about phone communication. If it isn't civil I won't participate. She, however, thought I just didn't care and affair #1 continued. She was with the 27 year old. It probally wouldn't end unless I ended it anyway. This is something that took me way too long to figure out. A few weeks later and no communication I suspected she must be seeing someone else. For me, I never thought it was just sex. It was at the time. I had thought she had fallen in love with another. I wrote her a letter telling her if this was so, she should tell me in writing and I would proceed with the divorce. She left a few hostile messages on the phone, telling me to call her. I won't reply to hostility verbally, but I would write her another letter. She never replied to my written letters. I expected her to file for divorce and was just waiting to be served. This went on just like this until the beginning of May. This was the longest we had not talked in our entire marriage. During this time she figured her indiscretions and my lack of interest was an indication the marriage was over. Once she figured out the kid was empty between the ears, she started using the match sites to find a more age appropiate partner. Affair #2 began in April. Guy #2 never knew #1 had happened. Her profile made it look like she was just getting out of a 20+ year marriage and without even seeing her pic he IM'd her. (I think he was looking for steady, easy and clean sex.) She hadn't seen her sister since last September, but They had talked on the phone from time to time. I have close relationship with Sis. At the end of April Sis told me a she had talked on phone to wife, and I better call W if I wanted the stay married. What Sis didn't say was she was told there was another guy. She wanted me to hear it from the W's mouth. I wasn't going to call W, but Sis's sense of urgency got to me and I called late one Saturday nite. This call was the prelude to my D-Day, which occured the following Tuesday. I called that memorable day and she disclosed both affairs. So, yes, there were two guys. But the event for me seems like one.
Author trader Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 trader, are you going to have her sign a post-nup stating that she walks away with nothing if you catch her cheating again? If so, go for it. If not, you have taught her to just get better at hiding. I have thought about this. I might just do a post nup. I don't think they are legally binding in my state, though. As far as her getting better at hiding. She never really tried to hide. It is not her nature. Read what I just posted to abelincoln, I prettty much figured what was going on by her behaviour. I can read her like a book if we are talking. Plus, even though I knew something was up, I didn't have any reason to begin "trust but verify", since to me, I thought the marriage was over then. I will be in the "trust but verify" mode for a long time, I am sure, maybe forever. I am a very resourceful person. I doubt she could deceive me successfully. The difference in my situation to most others, is that my situation did not occur right under my nose. We were separated. Because this separation led to adultery and almost brought us to divorce, no separation will be tolerated in the future. The very threat of separation will be equivalent to a threat of an affair. I am zero tolerance on this going forward.
Author trader Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 She got mad at YOU? She had been pissed at me off and on since before she moved out. She felt I had put my daughter's welfare before hers. She went completely hostile once the affair commenced.
turnera Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 She had been pissed at me off and on since before she moved out. She felt I had put my daughter's welfare before hers. She went completely hostile once the affair commenced.Are you going to address this potentially toxic and damaging quality of hers with a professional before you resume interaction?
Recommended Posts