Manhattan Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Hi everybody, this is my first ever time on this type of site / forum, however I am looking for advice re my current position. I am a 36yr old male who fell in love and married the woman of his dreams 6yrs ago, she is 43 now and still looks sensational. We have 2 fabulous kids aged 4 and 5 and appear to have a good relationship apart from the physical side. My wife has always found it hard to commit as she felt that the grass is always greener and she may be missing out on something. However she says that she loved me and wanted to be married to me forever. We had a fabulous wedding and a great time together, our first child was born and my wife quickly became pregnant with our 2nd child. The first pregnancy was not long after we suffered a miscarriage prior to our wedding. So all in all it has been a lot to deal with. Not only that my business has suffered in the recession, meaning that we have had to cut back and acquire some debts in order to keep our heads above water. Financially we are now starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel, but she has asked me for a separation. Her reason for this is that she feels she is missing out on something, she says that she still loves me, but does not want a physical relationship with me. I am not a bad looking bloke and am very sincere and considerate. I would much rather be giving than receiving and I have not applied any pressure on her to be physical. I am constantly rejected when trying to be close, and if I book a romantic weekend away, meal, buy sexy undies, flowers, send letters and love notes etc they are all met with the same answer no, and put in the bin. I love romance and I give 100% in a relationship, I love spoiling when possible and I also leave a little bit for her to chase. For some reason this is not enough and I am confused and totally heart broken that she is willing to jeopardise our marriage and families future for the fact that their may be something better out there. Also, some other points to mention are that my wife suffers from depression and is on medication for this, and had post natal depression after our 2nd child was born, she has had affairs and I actually found her in a hotel room recently waiting to meet her lover, he wasn't there and she gave me promises that it was a first meeting in private and that they had only kissed once before, the person she was meeting was 21yrs old and I am not sure if she told me the whole truth. We talked openly after this and I lay my cards down on the table, and so did she. She says that she loved me and would give 100% to our marriage working. I worked hard to supporting her whilst she looked for new employment, assisted her when she wanted to go out with her girlfriends and I was happy to stay at home and look after our children. I asked her out for dates and the effort made by her was minimal or none at all. I had worked on a really romantic date for weeks and had it all planned, I would send her texts throughout the week, giving her little suggestions as to our Friday evening, I bought her a day at the hair and beauty salon, so that she would feel good when going out with me and I would be on cloud 9 as she is my wife and totally gorgeous. Then, when I arrived home from work, I was met with her asleep on the sofa, she had not had her hair done and had just cancelled the appointment, she then asked to cancel the evening as she didn't feel like it. I was totally gutted, I cancelled the restaurant and the driver for the night and we sat at home with a pizza watching TV. The next day was a meeting with her girlfriends and she was well up for that, she got ready and looked great, she said sorry for last night and then went out for the afternoon / evening and returned home drunk in the early hours. Since then I have tried to make things work and swallow my pride and hurt, but the knock backs just keep coming. two weeks ago she lead me on and then pushed me away, followed by the immediate discussion of "we need to talk". She asked for a separation and I was totally devastated. She says that she has been thinking about it for some time and that it is not me, but her, she feels that she is missing out on something. She was missing out so much, that on the day she split up with me, she went out with her girlfriends (for what she said would be a few hours), I took our children out and the next I heard from her was at 8.30 the following morning when she finally answered her mobile when in the taxi home - she was still drunk. I quickly put her to bed and took the children out for the day so that she can recover and the children do not witness her in that state. She has apologised, and said that it will not happen again. But my fear is that if the children are staying with her and i'm not there to assist and protect, what wil they witness? The final straw has recently surfaced, my wife is addicted to Facebook and her iphone. Whilst on one of her Facebook apps, a bloke from Canada made contact saying that she looked nice, my wife replied and they now have a full on textual / Skype affair going on behind my back. My wife thinks that I do not know about this, but it isn't difficult to see as her mobile never leaves her side, she is awake most of the night texting him when lying next to me in bed, and the history on the computer is very clear about her activities. He is much younger then her at 27 and she has already booked a flight to see him for a week in a few months time (after 3 weeks texting eachother), without asking me if I have anything planned so that I can look after the children etc... I know that she is of the age of a mid life crisis etc, but she has said that she likes the chase, I have chased her and made that much effort with near 0% return, and whilst she asked for a split, she said that if we didn't she would have affairs. I just don't get it!! Last night she went to bed early whilst i did some work and I could clearly hear her on the mobile having phone sex with her fantasy in Canada, as our children are in the next bedroom, I was very conscious on them being woken to her groans. I thought about going up and interrupting the moment, but as we have split up, I didn't feel that it was my place to do so. I strongly believe in marriage and family. I married my wife for life and I still love her beyond words, I fancy her like mad and would do anything for my marriage to work as long as the respect for each other was there. Since the split a few weeks ago we have not told family etc as our children and family has lots of birthdays until next week, meaning that we have had to be strong and not allow our issues upset birthdays etc. My wife has been lovely since and wants to be best friends, go on holiday together as a family, go out on Sundays as family days, spend Christmas and birthdays together etc. As you can imagine I am totally shattered and confused as she says that she loves spending time with me, but wants to live apart so that she can have her own fun on the side. I am at a total loss, I have supported her through her depression, post natal depression, going out and financially. Yet i keep getting a mighty kick between the legs when I want more. If any of you can provide some advise on what could be a good way forward for us all, so that the children are protected as much as possible and we can all be happy that would be great. I look forward to hearing from you and thank you in advance for your input.
Mr Scorpio Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Wow. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds as though the only good thing is that she wants to stay involved in the children's lives and have these "family Sundays" with you. Beyond that? Nothing but pain and trouble. The only advice I can offer is to keep posting on this site, even if it is just telling the same story over and over, and to get a lawyer. Fast. 1
Chi townD Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Dude, you need to stop being a door mat. If she wants to be out of the marriage, then tell her you'll help her pack her bags. Tell her that you know about Canada and if she goes on this trip, her stuff will be on the front stoop when she returns with the locks changed. You need to knock her out of this fantasy world she's living in. She needs to know that there ARE consquences to her behavior! 3
jennisfora Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 i agree with Chi. She has it all right now, stability plus the whole forbidden love affair fantasy. she is being very selfish, and not thinking of you or the children. you need to stop prioritizing her feelings, as she certainly isn't prioritizing yours. like a child caught stealing from the candy store, you give them a warning, now, don't do that ever again, or i will have to call the police, second time, you call the police, otherwise, there is no incentive to not steal...same here, she had her warning, now she knows what she is doing is hurting you, she just doesn't care. she can get her own place, and you can have the space to heal, and recover without her there. i don't envy you. i am so sorry for your loss. *hugs*
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 First off, why wouldn't a lady look sensational at 43?It's still young!!! Secondly, my heart goes out to you==she wants her cake and eat it, too. It's not fair to you or the children. Do you see yourself accepting her taking flights to see this fellow---or other fellows? Can you just sit around and wait for this 'midlife crisis' to pass? Do you see yourself waiting in hopes that this is a phase? Since you still feel love for her and are one who has no qualms about giving---a wonderful, sweet and loving trait-------do you think you might talk her into counseling? Before running for the lawyer, see if this is a phase (it's a dude from Facebook, I can almost assure you that it will pass-=-he will no doubt get his need fulfilled and dump her)--see if you can communicate your feelings to her again and get some marriage counseling. You have a history together and a history ilke this, she can't just erase.
wilsonx Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Let her go. Why are you torturing yourself and stringing her along. I understand and empathize with how you feel but you're continuing to torture yourself instead of letting her go and starting the healing process. Get your family and friends involved in this soon, you will need them This will wreck your confidence and self esteem, but this has no reflection on who you are as a husband, father, friend. These are her issues and her problems she needs to deal with, so set her free to deal with them 1
Recommended Posts