blindesided Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Ok I am back on the dating scene after a long marriage ended and a recent relationship ended. I feel I have grown and learned from my past experiences but now I am starting to question myself. I had a long list of "dealbreakers" but then started to re-evaluate because honestly - no one is perfect & my list was becoming ridiculous. I am not talking about being in a relationship either - a lot of times I know hidden traits surface after everyone stops being on their best behavior. This is when I go out and meet guys & we are in the chatting - getting to know you phase - what is "too picky?" Now obvioulsy there has to be some sort of general attraction but what if say - he mentions he had a DUI- 10 years ago - or maybe 10 months ago? What about spending time in jail (for minor offense) or maybe being in between jobs? BTW - none of these things are all about 1 guy - just various men I have met over the past few weeks & it got me thinking I know I have major Dealbreakers - like abuse of any kind (physical, substance, alcohol..ect..) So I am always listening for signs of those "red flags" But in the getting to know you phase - where do you draw the line of "everyone makes mistakes in their past" to no way - I am out If I am too quick to write someone off for past mistakes - maybe I am passing up on a really great guy who had a rough past I know everyone has different dealbreakers too but I was just curious on if any of you had given a guy or girl a chance even though some things you thought were bad - were just past mistakes - or if you passed up on someone & then later regretted it?
ThatDudeXO Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Big dealbreaker - when they mention their ex in their first few dates. 1
darkmoon Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 everyone is entitled to a past, as long as stuff is in the past and does not affect their life now, but to me the ones that tell you about thier children when the 'children' are over the age of twenty-eightare no good not even twenty-one, but some are too tied to the past for me, i've seen what twenty-eight and thirty-plus year old 'children' do while mom can see no wrong, but they attention-seek and even mock step-dad the excuse is "but they are just 'children'" or a defensive "there's nothing wrong with my kids" kids?!
Leegh Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Just use your good judgment; for example if a guy has had one DUI, I wouldn't worry about it, but if he's had five DUI's that would be cause for alarm. If he is currently unemployed, but has been employed most of his life, that could be OK, assuming he's actively looking for a job. When meeting new people, I think it's always best to meet for coffee, at a mall, or coffee shop during the day, for safety reasons. If you are interested in someone, you could do a background check on them online, (of course you don't have to tell him that). It's a good sign if he pays and walks you to your car.
Author blindesided Posted May 3, 2012 Author Posted May 3, 2012 True - sometimes I worry my "picker" may be off - especially if I find the guy attractive. Like I may overlook somethings that I originally thought were dealbreakers. It is a fine line to toe of too picky & just dating anyone
jobaba Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Ok I am back on the dating scene after a long marriage ended and a recent relationship ended. I feel I have grown and learned from my past experiences but now I am starting to question myself. I had a long list of "dealbreakers" but then started to re-evaluate because honestly - no one is perfect & my list was becoming ridiculous. I am not talking about being in a relationship either - a lot of times I know hidden traits surface after everyone stops being on their best behavior. This is when I go out and meet guys & we are in the chatting - getting to know you phase - what is "too picky?" Now obvioulsy there has to be some sort of general attraction but what if say - he mentions he had a DUI- 10 years ago - or maybe 10 months ago? What about spending time in jail (for minor offense) or maybe being in between jobs? BTW - none of these things are all about 1 guy - just various men I have met over the past few weeks & it got me thinking I know I have major Dealbreakers - like abuse of any kind (physical, substance, alcohol..ect..) So I am always listening for signs of those "red flags" But in the getting to know you phase - where do you draw the line of "everyone makes mistakes in their past" to no way - I am out If I am too quick to write someone off for past mistakes - maybe I am passing up on a really great guy who had a rough past I know everyone has different dealbreakers too but I was just curious on if any of you had given a guy or girl a chance even though some things you thought were bad - were just past mistakes - or if you passed up on someone & then later regretted it? I'd say those are legitimate dealbreakers, and that the fact that you are willing to view that person as someone who made a mistake and has molded himself into a person says a lot about you. Kudos. Most dealbreakers on this site involve the person being 15 pounds overweight from their picture on Match.com.
OliveOyl Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 It really is a judgement call. My BF dealt with alcohol and pot abuse. If I had met him a decade or so ago, that would have been a dealbreaker. However, he cleaned up his act, got in AA, and hasn't had a drink (or toke) in a very long time. I believe he was able to make a permanent change... it IS possible. When I look at my past as well, there are ways I have changed where I *know* I will never return to the past behavior. Yet, it's also important to note that in the rosy, glowy, honeymoon stage, everyone puts their best foot forward. Men say what you want to hear, or you may interpret potential red flags in a way you want to interpret. This is why I think people set up "zero-tolerance" dealbreakers. They don't trust their own instincts (and understandably so, in some cases) to be able to distinguish between the guy that had the DUI ten years ago who fully understands the consequences of his past actions and truly won't repeat them; vs. the guy who SAYS he's remorseful and has or wants to clean up his act... but really hasn't. Love is a risk, there's just no way around it. Zero-tolerance reduces that risk but may also let some truly good guys slip away. It's really up to you to determine how "fine" you want your "sieve" to be.
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