Question...

May 3, 2012

Another good point, Kidd. I wrote yesterday in my 8 week thread that I let a lot out the other night with her. I put the blame for the affair as it pertains to OUR M squarely on her shoulders. I told her that what she did was nothing but cheap thrills and tawdry sex and that I hoped that she could see how f'ng stupid it was. As for me feeling better about him "seducing" her ~ no, that's not how it happened and I will not cloud my mind with that kind of thinking. Initially did I think that? Maybe a bit. But she was the one who invited him over for the first time. It was HER who did that. Now, over the years of texts that I have, I do see where she would sometimes ignore him and it is clear that he was extremely persistent. Does that make her any better? Absolutely not, because she continued to see him. The truth as the texts show however, is that he persisted a whole lot more than they actually got together. Doesn't take any f'ng blame off her shoulders though, as I said.

As for my focus on his marriage, I was just kind of blindsided with that info on Monday and I guess I just felt bad for his BS. I'm starting to not feel so bad though after reading through this thread a few times.

May 3, 2012

SD, do not let anyone talk you out of doing the right thing or guilt you when you have done it.

Affairs can kill friendships; everyone has an opinion, everyone is scared it could happen to them.

They would much rather gossip behind everyone's back than have it come front and center and get real messy.

If I had a nickle for everyone who said that they would rather not know the details, I'd be retired by now.

Only those who have come through it successfully, know just HOW important the truth is to healing.

If you feel you are being maligned for having disclosed the truth, you can simply state that it was the right thing to do for the OM'S BW so that she too could best decide what she wants to do regarding her marriage.

Stay strong! Friends and family can grow uncomfortable with your tactics, but everyone who reads here and elsewhere re: infidelity KNOWS it is one of the most important aspects to inform.

I lost a friendship over a friend who suspected, but never had the courage to tell me!

May 4, 2012

Thank you Spark. When Dday occurred and I found out who he was and that he associated with my circle of friends, I decided to let them ALL know what happened and that he was not welcome if I was to be invited to anything. They all to a T have said they respect me and my decision to reconcile with my W and would never do that. I hope my friendship with "Paul" can continue. We'll be having our first friend's get together tomorrow night since this all happened. I am anxious but I welcome seeing how they truly react to me and my W in person. I have no problem walking away if I need to for us. If any one of them cannot respect us or our decision, then I don't need them as friends of our marriage.

May 4, 2012

I agree that disclosure of the truth about the WS's activities to the BS is definitely the right way to go.

My confidence about my decision has definitely gotten better this afternoon and evening after reading these responses. Okay, maybe the execution wasn't perfect or whatnot...but I did what I did for a reason. And it turned out that I was f'ng right. She's leaving him because of HIS choice. Not because I emailed the BS.

As I said, if any of our friends think what I did was wrong or attempt to chastise me tomorrow, my W and I will make a hasty retreat to our favorite watering hole. Since we have a sitter for 4 hours and whatnot. I ain't letting a night go to waste!

May 4, 2012

Knowing Paul the way I do, Ham...I honestly don't see him discussing the details with him. I will keep that on the radar, though. I won't tolerate that sh_t. I totally dig how people can feel that Paul being friends with both me and the xOM is odd and divided loyalty and stuff. I just know him. He has always had good boundaries. That said - my hackles are up and I'm hypertuned to every f'ng thing. I'll know. And I'll walk.

May 4, 2012

Shoot...won't let me edit...so this is for you Ham.

EDIT: By the way...thanks for being that dude on my shoulder whispering to me when things sometimes just don't seem right. That is actually a compliment. I might not agree with 100% of what you've said to me, but I am being honest when I say I regard every comment with proper thought. I appreciate your insight.

May 4, 2012

Am I the little angel on your left shoulder or the little devil on your right?

LMAO...Undecided!!!

May 4, 2012

try and have some fun, Dig. let us know how it all went, and toss a couple back for your ol' pal, artie.

good luck, my man.

May 4, 2012

My confidence about my decision has definitely gotten better this afternoon and evening after reading these responses. Okay, maybe the execution wasn't perfect or whatnot...but I did what I did for a reason. And it turned out that I was f'ng right. She's leaving him because of HIS choice. Not because I emailed the BS.

As I said, if any of our friends think what I did was wrong or attempt to chastise me tomorrow, my W and I will make a hasty retreat to our favorite watering hole. Since we have a sitter for 4 hours and whatnot. I ain't letting a night go to waste!

They may not chastise you but they may chastise your W and/or shun HER for hurting you and the marriage.

That could easily happen. And let her take THAT pain that SHE created. She DID it - and there are consequences to her behavior.

Don't save her from the embarrassment she created. Stay and allow her to "deal with that pain that SHE caused"!

If they treat YOU poorly - that's a different story. Don't put up with that.

But don't give your W the "room" to run away from what ugly crap she created. She needs to learn the reality of what she did - it hurts friends and relationships! She needs to face her consequences square on and stay to repair what damage she caused in the friendships.

That is HERS to fix - not yours!

May 4, 2012

let's be totally honest, here. even if they seem "o.k." with your reconciliation, there will always be talk behind your back.....that's a given.....it's the nature of the beast.

many of them are gonna feign support in order to be p.c. about it; but the truth is, infidelity is a very touchy subject, and more so infidelity amongst former friends. believe me when i tell you, not everyone at that party is going to be on your side, let alone your wifes'.

May 4, 2012

Your friend "Paul" may continue to talk to the OM, but trust me, all your male friends will never look at OM quite the same again. They'll always wonder whose W he will target next.

Regarding feeling guitly about causing the OBW pain. You didn't. Her H did and frankly he is still doing it. You became a part of her life by invitation. Just like yourself, that invitation came from the WS.

May 4, 2012

try and have some fun, Dig. let us know how it all went, and toss a couple back for your ol' pal, artie.

good luck, my man.

I'll have my standard 2 vodka and Red Bulls for ya, brother!

They may not chastise you but they may chastise your W and/or shun HER for hurting you and the marriage.

That could easily happen. And let her take THAT pain that SHE created. She DID it - and there are consequences to her behavior.

Don't save her from the embarrassment she created. Stay and allow her to "deal with that pain that SHE caused"!

If they treat YOU poorly - that's a different story. Don't put up with that.

But don't give your W the "room" to run away from what ugly crap she created. She needs to learn the reality of what she did - it hurts friends and relationships! She needs to face her consequences square on and stay to repair what damage she caused in the friendships.

That is HERS to fix - not yours!

I did establish that with her when this initially hit. She is the one who must face our friends and deal with the shame that she brought on herself. She is anxious about tonight, but I think the past 2 months not hanging with the friends and doing a lot of work with me has prepared her to deal with the consequences that she's gonna face.

Your friend "Paul" may continue to talk to the OM, but trust me, all your male friends will never look at OM quite the same again. They'll always wonder whose W he will target next.

Regarding feeling guitly about causing the OBW pain. You didn't. Her H did and frankly he is still doing it. You became a part of her life by invitation. Just like yourself, that invitation came from the WS.

The bolded part is exactly why he hasn't been invited to any of their get togethers lately. As for Paul, he apparently refused the xOM's call for a few weeks he was so pissed at what he'd done. I think an interesting dynamic is that I'm sure our friends feel betrayed by my W and the xOM, even though he isn't involved in our close knit group...he still has an involvement in the circle.

I feel better today about my guilt. I talked with my W last night and let quite a bit off my chest about it. Today is gonna be a good day

May 4, 2012

OP,

i think that it says a lot about who you are as a person that you have a great deal of empathy for this other mans spouse. You have much more empathy and have acted much better towards her than her own husband did.

You seem like a nice guy who really got the short end of the stick for a very long time...i think that it says a lot about your character that i hasn't turned you into someone you don't like.

May 4, 2012

As everyone said you did the *right* thing by informing his wife. Her husband did the *wrong* thing by having an affair. Where the chips fall is squarely on the OM and your wife's shoulders. (Those two probably should have thought of this eventuality before they decided to throw everyone around them under a bus.)

But you're lucky. My EX cheated with a good married friend in our close social circle. I told his wife the next day and haven't heard a single word from her in two years since. (yes they are still together.) Additionally everyone in the "inner circle of friends" -(except one brave couple)- still parties and associates with the EX and the married cheating douchebag. Blew my mind that all these people would toss me out like garbage when I was the innocent party in that mess.. which I didn't create. Couldn't believe it.

Oh well.. guess they all weren't really "friends" at all. So I black-holed the lot of them. Good riddance. The couple that did side with me refuses to socialize with the old social group. They cant stand to see cheating douchebag and my EX still having the time of their life after what they did. I commend them for having a backbone. Now that's true friendship.

May 4, 2012

As everyone said you did the *right* thing by informing his wife. Her husband did the *wrong* thing by having an affair. Where the chips fall is squarely on the OM and your wife's shoulders. (Those two probably should have thought of this eventuality before they decided to throw everyone around them under a bus.)

But you're lucky. My EX cheated with a good married friend in our close social circle. I told his wife the next day and haven't heard a single word from her in two years since. (yes they are still together.) Additionally everyone in the "inner circle of friends" -(except one brave couple)- still parties and associates with the EX and the married cheating douchebag. Blew my mind that all these people would toss me out like garbage when I was the innocent party in that mess.. which I didn't create. Couldn't believe it.

Oh well.. guess they all weren't really "friends" at all. So I black-holed the lot of them. Good riddance. The couple that did side with me refuses to socialize with the old social group. They cant stand to see cheating douchebag and my EX still having the time of their life after what they did. I commend them for having a backbone. Now that's true friendship.

I've learned that a lot of people value their own comfort and the hiding of evil deeds over truth about infidelity. I had a guy actually tell me that me revealing the A was the "worst tragedy of all". Worse than the death of an unborn child, worse than a family splitting up, worse than me losing my mind because I can trust the person I've been with for 18 years. And he's complaining about being uncomfortable around adulterous people...because I exposed the truth...which btw he already knew. What a twisted person is that? My STBXW still talks to this guy......and he wasn't the only one who felt that way.

Yeah if it doesn't necessarily affect them, a lot of people would rather just not know and ignore the horrible corruption around them. Screw those people.

May 4, 2012

OP,
i think that it says a lot about who you are as a person that you have a great deal of empathy for this other mans spouse. You have much more empathy and have acted much better towards her than her own husband did.

You seem like a nice guy who really got the short end of the stick for a very long time...i think that it says a lot about your character that i hasn't turned you into someone you don't like.

I learned a long time ago to never sacrifice my integrity. Even at this horrific f'ng stage!! I won't stop being who I am.

As everyone said you did the *right* thing by informing his wife. Her husband did the *wrong* thing by having an affair. Where the chips fall is squarely on the OM and your wife's shoulders. (Those two probably should have thought of this eventuality before they decided to throw everyone around them under a bus.)

But you're lucky. My EX cheated with a good married friend in our close social circle. I told his wife the next day and haven't heard a single word from her in two years since. (yes they are still together.) Additionally everyone in the "inner circle of friends" -(except one brave couple)- still parties and associates with the EX and the married cheating douchebag. Blew my mind that all these people would toss me out like garbage when I was the innocent party in that mess.. which I didn't create. Couldn't believe it.

Oh well.. guess they all weren't really "friends" at all. So I black-holed the lot of them. Good riddance. The couple that did side with me refuses to socialize with the old social group. They cant stand to see cheating douchebag and my EX still having the time of their life after what they did. I commend them for having a backbone. Now that's true friendship.

See that's the kind of friends I'm hoping we have. There is one couple, well...I take that back, one wife who has been distant and seemingly uncaring about the whole ordeal. Funny thing is, she is the one who always instigated at the girl's nights out to go party with a group of guys. Says alot about her. I like her husband. He's a good dude but he's totally in her pocket. If we lose them as friends over this, as you said ~ Good riddance. We don't need friends like that. I will say, because of my own integrity, that I told "Paul" that I would never ask him to choose, and I will hold to my promise. I will NOT hold it against him if he chooses to still see his friend of 20+ years who happens to be the xOM. I promised. And I keep my promises.

May 4, 2012

By the way...thank you for the nice compliment Frozen.

May 4, 2012

Thanks NH. I wish I had a packet built up, and maybe I should have sent her copies of the texts from my printout, but I didn't. Just the email.

SB, I will answer your question honestly here. It was a calculated move on my part. And possibly somewhat cold. See, I knew the xOM wouldn't be honest with his BS as when I confronted him on the phone on Dday, he begged me to not tell her because he had a family. My response was, "Well, m-f'er so do I!!" Again, I just had a gut feeling that he wouldn't tell her the truth. So, I waited 1 month to the day to send her that email. I wanted him to think he had gotten away with it all (her reply to my initial email saying they had been sleeping together said she was going to try to repair their marriage). That is why I waited. Because I wanted him to be f'ng blindsided by the TRUTH. Not his version of it.

Hence...I feel a burden of guilt on my shoulders because I was so calculating in my decision process. I hurt her and forced another Dday on her for my own reasons. After reading what I just wrote, I can honestly say I'm a little ashamed at myself.

Thanks SD. Understood and no problem with that at all. If you'd tossed that out in anger at your WS then I probably would have taken exception to it but I can see just what you did and why and think it's actually a good idea.

May 4, 2012

I would bet your ex and the MM aren't the only one's in that social circle cheating with each other.

Not that it had anything to do with my situation, but I'm always weary about groups of friends that hang all the time (especially just two couples always hanging out) and having all the kids hang out all the time.

You're pretty much just asking for **** to happen.

I've wondered the same, but mostly with the ones on the outer circle. In the inner circle of friends, we've all hung out together for like 13 years and more. The inner circle comprises 5 couples. All of our kids go to the same school and whatnot. As for the get togethers...they happen every 3 or 4 months. Most times its the inner circle of friends, but then twice a year - summer and winter, there can be like 20+ couples at a party. I don't really care for those because there's too many variables.

May 5, 2012

By the way...thank you for the nice compliment Frozen.

no problem...

it seems that all too often, some of the affair fallout that the betrayed spouse has to deal with is their actions after they find out...it's so easy to be so anry or hurt that you can act out in ways you don't like, and that make you feel bad afterwards Seems so unfair that this is yet another burden to be added to the load..

glad you haven't found yourself in that boat

May 5, 2012

How did the gathering go tonight?

May 5, 2012

It was actually quite uneventful. Everyone treated both of us with respect. Individually they offered their support, but we never brought it up as a group - which was fine. It was very casual and we wound up having a very nice 4 hour break from the kids and the craziness of the house! I'm getting ready for bed right now. Tomorrow I've got a lot of stuff to do for a benefit, so I'm gonna be quite busy in about 5 hours. Need sleep!! LOL

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