Question...

May 3, 2012

Background info: My WW's xOM went to college with one of our good friends (I'll call him Paul) and I've never asked him to choose either the xOM or me. Exactly the opposite. I told Paul he should support his friend of 20 years, but make sure that we (xOM and his BS and my WW and me) are never invited to the same friend events. Paul said he would make sure that never happened and that he has the utmost respect for me trying to work things out with my WW - he was extremely pissed at the xOM and didn't talk to him for about a month.

Fast forward to this past Monday. I texted Paul because we're invited to a party with all of our friends. I simply asked if the xOM and his wife had any chance of showing, as not ALL of our friends know what happened. He said there was no way they'd show as "things are NOT going well at ALL" with them. Paul then called me. It seems that the xOM lied way too much about everything to his BS. Denied how long the affair lasted...and tons of other stuff. Paul then asked me if I had sent an email to the BS. I told him I did. He said that was what pushed the BS over the edge because of what I said in the email. To set the record straight, I emailed her the night I found out to simply say they had been sleeping together. I then sent another email about 4 weeks later. This was the email that set her off.

So....should I feel as bad as I do? I mean, yes ~ part of me wants the xOM to live a f'ng painful life (then again I'm sure his BS feels the same about my WW!), but I didn't want to ruin their family unit with that email. I just had an odd feeling that the xOM hadn't told her the truth. In the email I said I hope that xOM told her how many times he banged my wife in their spare room and on their downstairs couch and how many times he asked her to go out of town with him for business.

Should I feel this bad? This guilty feeling?

May 3, 2012

Nope. You gave her truth and she can use that to make an informed decision about her life. Perhaps OM shouldn't have had an affair and then TT'd her about it. But from here on, you should leave her alone about it. She knows she can come to you for more info if she wants it.

May 3, 2012

Yeah, Kidd...immediately after sending that email, I erased her contact and I also promised Paul that I wouldn't ever contact her again unless SHE wanted me to.

May 3, 2012

"Paul" wants you to feel bad about sending that truthful email to his wife. He wants you to feel bad so that he can try to take some of the heat off of himself.

"Paul" was the one who made these choices to do what he did against his wife and his marriage--not you.

"Paul" figures that if he can get you to feel bad about what you did-regret what you did-then it makes him not feel so bad about he did.

WS--never seem to get this. It is not the telling that causes the damage. It is the actions that were told about which caused the damage.

May 3, 2012

My position is that xOM should've thought about this possibility before he decided to bang your wife and continue to lie to his betrayed wife. This is his own doing, not yours. You did the right thing.

May 3, 2012

I can feel your pain and your sense of questioning here SD. I had the same quandry. But when it came down to the nuts and bolts of it, I didn't ask for this. I never wanted this to come into and wreck my life. It was not a welcome visitor. BUT, it was only out of sheer respect for the xMM BS that I sent any email at all.

I knew because my WS told me. If it was true that she truly ended it then the xMM BS needs to know as well. Not only will she be another set of eyes on the situation but she can be a sounding board to get the whole truth if you ever want the other side's story to compare notes (provided she is willing to communicate with you).

I frankly didn't care about the POS. I know what kind of person he is and that in itself impacted my decision more than anything else. It was and is the xMM BS's right to now what went on. The more knowledge you have into a situation the better you can arm yourself and prepare. You did the right thing here.

May 3, 2012

I'm with the OP's here, you din't wreck their marriage, he did. His wife has the right to know..good job with stepping up and doing it while carrying the guilt. Now, let it go..you earned it.

May 3, 2012

SD, I think you're sweet and you have a lot of empathy for the BS.

I don't think you should carry the guilt for someone else's poor choices and mistakes.

Instead of thinking that you broke a family unit, think that you gave this woman the gift of truth, and its up to her what she does with it.

I'm sure she's in pain and has a lot of conflicting emotions and instincts, but you didn't do anything wrong - don't hold on to that.

May 3, 2012

SD...did you force OM to cheat on his wife? Did you somehow cause him to choose to do so?

If so...yep, feel guilty about the breakup that appears to be happening in his marriage.

If not...well, how do you become responsible for his choice to cheat on her?

Your actions in sending those emails weren't the "harmful ones". In fact, I'd be pretty surprised if she's the least bit upset with you or blames you for their situation.

Because you're not the one to blame for the status as it is.

Don't take on more guilt than you deserve.

May 3, 2012

"Paul" wants you to feel bad about sending that truthful email to his wife. He wants you to feel bad so that he can try to take some of the heat off of himself.

"Paul" was the one who made these choices to do what he did against his wife and his marriage--not you.

"Paul" figures that if he can get you to feel bad about what you did-regret what you did-then it makes him not feel so bad about he did.

WS--never seem to get this. It is not the telling that causes the damage. It is the actions that were told about which caused the damage.

I just realized that "Paul" was the name of the mutual friend, not the OM. My apologies.

My advice still stands...the actions of "OM' are the ones that sent his BW over the edge, not the email from SD.

May 3, 2012

My position is that xOM should've thought about this possibility before he decided to bang your wife and continue to lie to his betrayed wife. This is his own doing, not yours. You did the right thing.

I absolutely agree with the above.

May 3, 2012

you did good, Dig.

if he hadn't cheated, and then lied about the details, none of this would be taking place.

i'm sure if he was more transparent, his life wouldn't be the pile of sh*t it is today.

May 3, 2012

So....should I feel as bad as I do?

Absolutely not. You shouldn't feel bad at all. No remorse, no regrets. Its his problem.

And hopefully your wife isn't going to defend him and jump your case about it later. And if she does, she isn't fit to be your wife, or any other good man's.

I mean, yes ~ part of me wants the xOM to live a f'ng painful life (then
again I'm sure his BS feels the same about my WW!)

Then again, you say that as if your wife doesn't deserve some pain. If the OM is deserving, so is your wife. But that isn't going to happen because you are working on your M, so I wouldn't worry about that aspect. How they decide to handle the affair is up to them. Not your concern.

but I didn't want to ruin their family unit with that email.

You didn't ruin their family unit, the OM did (with your wife as an accomplice)

It isn't the disclosure of the affair that destroys families, its the affair itself.

I just had an odd feeling that the xOM hadn't told her the truth. In the email I said I hope that xOM told her how many times he banged my wife in their spare room and on their downstairs couch and how many times he asked her to go out of town with him for business.

Should I feel this bad? This guilty feeling?

You shouldn't feel one bit bad, and not one bit guilty.

May 3, 2012

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I've struggled with this the past few days because I am extremely empathetic. Sometimes to a fault, I think. Here is what I've heard/read from your posts.

1. You're all right ~ I did NOT cause this aftermath for their family. xOM did.

2. Their family is better off knowing the full truth (if that's even the full truth itself!).

3. I should really try to let this guilt go as it isn't really mine to hold onto.

I'll probably still struggle a bit with the guilt because the BS over there is such a nice person and has 2 beautiful children (I met them at a party once). I'm honestly waiting for the day when she decides, if ever, to confront my WW.

May 3, 2012

Thanks for pointing that out nofool...my W I think has had her eyes opened, albeit forcefully because I caught her. She has not defended him and does not retort anything I say when I speak about him and the email I sent. As a matter of fact, she even commented that she knew he wasn't the type to "come clean" and wondered if she was the only OW he had. She has shown zero loyalty to him.

May 3, 2012

This is why I informed OMW with a packet of info and cover sheet. I withheld all details until the latter pages. I gave her contact info for me in case she didn't want to read but preferred to ask questions. I told her it was most important to hear the truth from OM, but it was equally as important to be able to verify...so I included the *works*, everything I knew up to that point.

Know what? She read it all. She said she hated me at first...but moved past that. I called her again yesterday to tell her about my D. She told me she's now read my "Boundary" thread on LS 2x...which is kinda amazing given the size of it She said she'd been stalkerish, which I said was fine ^^ She might even be reading this for all I know.

I think people in the end want to know the truth. Don't feel guilty. OM killed his own M, not you. You just exposed the truth. With out truth, actions are based on misinformation and lies.

May 3, 2012

I agree completely that he ruined his own family unit.

You waited 4 weeks to send that particular email to the BS. Why? If it was that important for her to know then why wasn't it that important before? I'm not questioning your right to tell her. I'm just curious the timing. Did it come out of the blue or were you angry at your WS and lashed out.

You said something very interesting about wanting him to have a miserable life and probably his BS feels the same about your wife. I find this very telling of how blame can be placed in some instances. If a BS truly shared out the blame equally or put the majority of the blame on their cheating partner then it shouldn't be looked at that way. Yes---I know it's all down to investment, emotion etc. Just a very interesting comment.

May 3, 2012

I've struggled with this the past few days because I am extremely empathetic. Sometimes to a fault, I think.

because you're a good guy.

you, Ninja, and Kidd are stand-up people. you actually thought of the well-being of the ohter family. that speaks volumes on your character. that's why many of the posters were so pissed-off at your WS-- they just don't get it.

with the exception of your wife, the other two were constantly putting their interests before the spouses and the marriage. this is the epitome of selfishness.

best of luck to ALL of you.

May 3, 2012

Thanks NH. I wish I had a packet built up, and maybe I should have sent her copies of the texts from my printout, but I didn't. Just the email.

SB, I will answer your question honestly here. It was a calculated move on my part. And possibly somewhat cold. See, I knew the xOM wouldn't be honest with his BS as when I confronted him on the phone on Dday, he begged me to not tell her because he had a family. My response was, "Well, m-f'er so do I!!" Again, I just had a gut feeling that he wouldn't tell her the truth. So, I waited 1 month to the day to send her that email. I wanted him to think he had gotten away with it all (her reply to my initial email saying they had been sleeping together said she was going to try to repair their marriage). That is why I waited. Because I wanted him to be f'ng blindsided by the TRUTH. Not his version of it.

Hence...I feel a burden of guilt on my shoulders because I was so calculating in my decision process. I hurt her and forced another Dday on her for my own reasons. After reading what I just wrote, I can honestly say I'm a little ashamed at myself.

May 3, 2012

because you're a good guy.

You might not think so after you read post #20 from me.

May 3, 2012

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I've struggled with this the past few days because I am extremely empathetic. Sometimes to a fault, I think. Here is what I've heard/read from your posts.

1. You're all right ~ I did NOT cause this aftermath for their family. xOM did.
2. Their family is better off knowing the full truth (if that's even the full truth itself!).
3. I should really try to let this guilt go as it isn't really mine to hold onto.

I'll probably still struggle a bit with the guilt because the BS over there is such a nice person and has 2 beautiful children (I met them at a party once). I'm honestly waiting for the day when she decides, if ever, to confront my WW.

I think it's fairly common for the informed BS to initially be upset with the BS who exposed to them. I suppose it's a "kill the messenger" instinct that happens when you are in shock, can't eat or sleep, and wish the whole thing would just go away. That happened in my situation but after just a few days, she contacted me to apologize and thank me for having the courage to tell her. Sounds like NH's OMW felt about the same way (initially upset but later much more rational).

If the other BS is smart, she probably won't confront your WW but will realize that her vows were with her husband. Your WW contributed, to be sure, but ultimately this is about her husband.

Anyway, try not to give this much more thought. You're simply not at fault and really did the right thing by the other BS. Otherwise, she'd be living a lie, perhaps forever. That's what would make me feel guilty (and did until I exposed to the OMW).

May 3, 2012

nah.....still do.

so you waited. big whoop!

you knew he was going to gaslight his wife, and had a contingency plan in place to expose him for what he really is-- a no-good, lying, cheating, POS who would do anything and everything to keep his ass out of the fire.

let me tell you something.....you f*ck with another man's wife, and all bets are off.

he's lucky you're not the type to resort to violence, because it could've been waaay worse with him either dead, or seriously hurt......then what?

Edited May 3, 2012 by Artie Lang

May 3, 2012

What you did could have been handled better:(, but I truly do understand. If you hadn't told her how would you be feeling right now thinking she is the only one in the equation without all the puzzle pieces? Could you live with that?

No...I couldn't. Thank you.

Artie...I appreciate you, man. You're abso-f'ng-lutely right! When you screw another person's wife ~ all bets are off. Along with the gloves.

I have so many mixed emotions right now. I can't wait to start at the gym on Monday. Its a brand new place and it will be good to go work off some of this crap. I've been waiting a few weeks to do so.

May 3, 2012

Thanks NH. I wish I had a packet built up, and maybe I should have sent her copies of the texts from my printout, but I didn't. Just the email.

SB, I will answer your question honestly here. It was a calculated move on my part. And possibly somewhat cold. See, I knew the xOM wouldn't be honest with his BS as when I confronted him on the phone on Dday, he begged me to not tell her because he had a family. My response was, "Well, m-f'er so do I!!" Again, I just had a gut feeling that he wouldn't tell her the truth. So, I waited 1 month to the day to send her that email. I wanted him to think he had gotten away with it all (her reply to my initial email saying they had been sleeping together said she was going to try to repair their marriage). That is why I waited. Because I wanted him to be f'ng blindsided by the TRUTH. Not his version of it.

Hence...I feel a burden of guilt on my shoulders because I was so calculating in my decision process. I hurt her and forced another Dday on her for my own reasons. After reading what I just wrote, I can honestly say I'm a little ashamed at myself.

Wow, that's an interesting angle. It was your way of letting her see if he would be truthful. I guess mine was the packet. I recommended OMW ask him to tell, but she'd already know the truth. That's what I did with my WW when I found out the truth (because I *also* wanted to know everything) I asked her to tell me what really happened...and every time she failed the test I had to show my hand and pull out proof before she'd confess.

He failed the test.... Again you just told the truth, he's the idiot who *lied*.

May 3, 2012

Thanks NH. I wish I had a packet built up, and maybe I should have sent her copies of the texts from my printout, but I didn't. Just the email.

SB, I will answer your question honestly here. It was a calculated move on my part. And possibly somewhat cold. See, I knew the xOM wouldn't be honest with his BS as when I confronted him on the phone on Dday, he begged me to not tell her because he had a family. My response was, "Well, m-f'er so do I!!" Again, I just had a gut feeling that he wouldn't tell her the truth. So, I waited 1 month to the day to send her that email. I wanted him to think he had gotten away with it all (her reply to my initial email saying they had been sleeping together said she was going to try to repair their marriage). That is why I waited. Because I wanted him to be f'ng blindsided by the TRUTH. Not his version of it.

Hence...I feel a burden of guilt on my shoulders because I was so calculating in my decision process. I hurt her and forced another Dday on her for my own reasons. After reading what I just wrote, I can honestly say I'm a little ashamed at myself.

But again, all could have been avoided if he had come clean when he got the chance to reconcile. He didn't.

What I would look closely at though, is that you are focusing on the OM and not on your WW. Sometimes villifying the OM is a welcome distraction from what were really your W's choices. Does it make you feel better to think that he is the bad guy or somehow seduced your wife away? Not saying you are doing this but it is worth asking yourself. With all that you need to consider with her, why is your focus on what is up with his marriage. He's a guy that slept with your wife because she made herself available to him.

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