Dante311 Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Her mom's philosophy, which she's adopted, is not every day is the fourth of july. I'll try to keep a novel short... give you an abridged version. She's a graduate student.. so am I. At first, we were definitely in the honeymoon stage... it was amazing. Sex weekends, dates, fun, lust. I am a full time graduate student in medicine... so I'd get back to her place (at the beginning, she wanted me over - and NEVER expressed verbally she didn't want me over, although she told me there's an open line of communication with us). The first moment of breakdown, she was afraid to tell me she wanted "her time". I told her this is an adult relationship - and that's what I want. Sure she can have it. She was soooo appreciative. She went home, I went home... I get a call a few hours later, she wanted me over. I asked if that's what she wanted... and she insisted yes. So I went. then her roommate makes a comment about me "being a 4th roommate". This begins to bother her. But in reality, thru the other roommate, it's b/c she can hear us thru the wall. So now, when I come over becomes an issue b/c she doesn't want to tell me no. I tell her it's ok to tell me not tonight, but she hates that "burden". This starts a fight and apparently, she felt like I put her on a guilt trip when I said please either yes or no.. I hate an open ended yes/no invitation each night... but that I'm ok going to my place. Then the first situation happens again, but this time, it was a midweek day, she's in my lap and asks me for "her time the following night". I say ok. The next night (this is a few weeks later mind you), she mentions how she was questioning our relationship, but the anxiety is stress from school, finals, papers, and finding a job as she exits college... Now I feel uneasy as ****ing hell. She feels firm she wants this relationship. She told me all that over the phone and I asked her when I was over the following night... to reassure me in person b/c the phone/txt is sooo impersonal. She agrees. I go over... "we're ok". I go, "that's it? Just ok?" ...this kind of started another tiff... but finally she confirmed with me. We go to dinner, come home... sleep. 2 days later, we're in bed.. she starts bawling her eyes out... she doesn't want to get married yet. Now by this point, we've said I love you to eachother... I go, wtf?! Marriage? who said marriage? we're graduate students and I still have 4 years left! I told her my brother (who is married and in a long term relationship with the SAME woman for 5 years now) told me that it's growth and he and his wife went thru it. I called him and asked again for her to hear this... after I hung up on him, she cried, smiled and kissed me. Things seemed ok. Good, right? No... I go over 2 nights ago... she's gloomy. If it's in her mind, it's on her face.. and yes, even tho it's true, she's yelled at me that I "over analyze her face" (even though I'm not, and she apologized for this b/c something was bothering her)... I gently asked her what's wrong. She said nothing. She napped in my arms, woke up and apparently I was the best thing that ever happened to her. .... ok. now what? fine, things are ok. the next morning, as I leave @ 6am, I go to kiss her... she goes, "I need some space, I want me time tonight"... caught me off guard. I said ok, took some things (not everything I needed and left) now... this past week, to me.. all this seems to be that she's pulling away and getting ready to dump me. I now, I added fuel to the fire which kind of blew up in my face last night, but I changed my fb picture from "us" to me. All this time, a few times she mentioned she'd change her fb pic, but never did. She made a BIG deal last night about mine... yet in the past, to her FB isn't a big deal and that's why she won't do "in a relationship" or "change her picture". now all her friends know about me... yet.. her fb profile has a few pics of us on her wall that people liked. I've met her family a few times... things were going well. Everything seemed solid. But then expecting her to dump me... We argued about this "change" with me going over, her not vocalizing that she needed "her time" and that she immediately took it out on me... last night I left her place with a small suitcase with half of my stuff, and that hurt her.. like I was moving out of her place... even though that's what she wanted! It hurt me to leave last night getting some of my things. I did leave enough there though. we agreed I'm not going over tonight and that this all stemmed from external stress from school/her major 20 page and 10 page papers/job hunting/transition to a new grad program in the area... etc... etc... but I just don't know how to move forward without thinking we're going to fail now. I'm worried it's over. She tells me everything is ok and we're still together and she wants us long term, but after attacking my fb profile, but she won't change hers b/c she's not ready. Not wanting me over every night (only weekends and 1 day/week) yet me taking my stuff back to my place hurt her... wtf?! I don't suspect cheating - yet... that's another small issue. She had a "meeting" yesterday, and when I asked how it went.. she got all defensive and told me, it is personal. I told her I saw a counselor to talk stress out. finally she sighed, hesitated then told me it's sensitive for her to talk about but she saw a counselor... I'm going to trust until she gives me reason not to, but she claims she really wants me over this weekend. We had a lot of plans and she bought my plane ticket to go on a mini vacation next week... sorry for the long, long post... any ideas? just go with it?
Professor X Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 1. She's cheating on you. 2. She's on BC and that makes her crazy. 3. She's just crazy. **To me, all this "me time" sounds like "me and OM time", but that's just me.
Author Dante311 Posted May 3, 2012 Author Posted May 3, 2012 OM? She is on BC and stress.... I don't suspect cheating yet. She knows my philosopht on it, to not ever speakto me again if she is... She knows this and shares that. The sex is good, I make her orgasm at least twice when we fool around, and she swears shes not faking. I'm not small penis wise, sometimes she has diffi ulty handling me and gets very sensitive... So I don't think the sex is bad. She comes ftom a good home... Am I over analyzing? 1. She's cheating on you. 2. She's on BC and that makes her crazy. 3. She's just crazy. **To me, all this "me time" sounds like "me and OM time", but that's just me.
Andy_K Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 I don't suspect cheating yet. She knows my philosopht on it, to not ever speakto me again if she is... She knows this and shares that. Pretty dumb philosophy really. All it does is guarantee 100% that if she cheats on you - or even something close to that, like feelings for someone else - she will be extra careful never to breathe a word of it to you. She'd just handle the guilt internally, and start crying for no reason, or acting irrationally and distancing herself from you. Oh wait... 1
Feelsgoodman Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 1. She's cheating on you. 2. She's on BC and that makes her crazy. 3. She's just crazy. **To me, all this "me time" sounds like "me and OM time", but that's just me. First thing that came to my mind...
Professor X Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 OM? She knows my philosopht on it, to not ever speakto me again if she is. She comes ftom a good home... Am I over analyzing? Not quite sure how they are related? Like, what, only people from bad homes cheat?????? And if she cheats and will never speak to you again, that only means she's more prone to simply not tell you. I don't wanna tell you that she's cheating on you 100%, but when some1 acts hot and cold, that means, some times, that the said person has some internal conflicts, which could easily stem from guilt (which is another word for cheating most of the times). She's also being secretive about where she goes? And, the big cake here is, you're only together 4 months, you should still be well in the "honeymoon phase" - this usually wears off as you get close to the 1 year mark (usually). If you'd tell me you're together for 3 years, I'd say "ye, she needs some time for herself now and then" , but at 4 months? You should droll all over one another 24/7.
dollface07 Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 What in the heck just b/c she's feeling insecure and overwhelmed emotionally does not mean she's cheating--she probably saw a therapist and didn't want to divulge that information to you b/c she wants to only show herself in the best light to you. I have more to add on this matter but I have my own shrink to visit for an hour session LOL which my current bf of almost 4 months knows nothing about and I will discuss our relationship concerns with that shrink too b/c trust me you rather her deal with it with the therapist so she wont distract you from your studies. Also, you guys that's way inappropriate her roommate does not deserve to hear you both having intimate moments pls reconsider that behavior. chill man back off of her let her have her space STOP being so accommodating to her every emotional whim so she can process her own concerns and gradually warm up to you my goodness you really shouldn't be so much in each other's personal space this early on that's too dramatic of a life transition too fast...let it be gradual it's not like anyone's going anywhere you're both students
Almond_Joy Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 (edited) Christ. Nearly every thread I read where one partner is distancing themselves, the majority of folks deduce they're cheating, right off the bat. What is that? I don't understand why you automatically assume the worst of people. BC can make some women bats**t crazy. Your GF doesn't sound crazy, but definitely erratic. Maybe your GF should get off of it for a few months and see if she notices more emotional stability. After that if she still seems uncertain about what she wants, give her space. If you two can work it out, try to see her more during the week, and give her one weekend day to herself (like all day Saturday and you come over Sunday or vice-versa) whether she wants it or not. Even if she says she wants you over, give her the time alone. It sounds like she doesn't know how to be by herself, and is bothered by that, but doesn't want to walk away from a good relationship. Maybe a little space within the relationship will quell her uneasiness. if the removal of BC and the extra space don't resolve the instability, a break may be a good solution. Also, the individual counseling is a great idea, glad to hear you're both pursuing it. She shouldn't feel defensive about seeing a counselor - she's confused right now and the outside perspective of a trained professional in this area of her life will help her get a handle on things. Hope these ideas help and good luck. Edited May 3, 2012 by Almond_Joy 2
InJest Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Nothing to do with birth control. I don't think she's cheating on you, but she's definitely checking out of the relationship. You should either back way off and start seeing other girls or just break up with her and tell her that you'll be willing to hear her out if she wants a real relationship in the future.
veggirl Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 I wouldn't jump to any cheating conclusions. What I think happened is you guys jumped in way too quickly. Spending the night EVERY night???? weekends and one day a week sounds MUCH better. If her roommates are calling you the 4th roommate, you are there too much and it honestly is disrespectful to them. This sounds about right, though, for what you guys have done. 4 months of obsessive time together, and then it fizzles. Its fizzling for her because the honeymoon is over and she is now having to decide if she actually likes you and wants you or was just caught up in a new relationship and the feelings that go along with that. You'd be much better off if with her and in the future if it doesn't work with her, you don't jump in so quickly. Maintain your own freaking life for gods sake, 2 people shouldn't be spending every dang night together right off the bat like this. 1
NeverDated Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 any ideas? just go with it? These questions are always impossible. You posted much about what she does, but very little about what you do beyond reactions to her. Which is normal, because you aren't in her head and can't see the problems she does. Here's a theory totally unrelated to cheating - when you're there physically, you aren't actually present. Therefore, she says she needs space as a way to enforce distance and, hopefully, cause you to be more present in the infrequent times you are together. If that's not happening, she's going to question the relationship. And I'm sure you'll say you are truly present in the moment, but she may not see it that way. Also, you mention Facebook and friends a lot. Red flag - your relationship has been crowd-sourced. She may be getting some terrible advice from friends, focusing too much on the social impact of your relationship, or any number of other things. Long story short, when Facebook becomes anything worth mentioning in your relationship, you have a problem. It is no longer dictated by the two people who matter (you and her), but by a whole host of social circles.
Quiet Storm Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 I do think you guys jumped in too quickly. However, I think that just going along with whatever she wants and acting like you will just be there waiting for her will backfire. You can accomodate her need for space, but don't be afraid to state and stand up for your needs. Many women (I am one) don't want a man that is going to cater to our every whim, especially if we are being unfair or treating you poorly. There is fine line between being understanding and being a doormat. You can give her space, but make sure she understands that you are a person with feelings, too. Tell her this back and forth and uncertainty is upsetting to you, and that you hope she can get to the bottom of it soon. It is not your job to accomodate her moods at your own detriment. Many men who are in this situation give space and play nice because they think the woman will appreciate his patience and kindness. But often, the woman knows she is being unfair and his unconditional support is a turn off, showing that he will pretty much put up with anything. I'm not saying to act like a a55hole, but look out for your own interests. Make sure she knows that you aren't going to put up with her indecisiveness forever.
Author Dante311 Posted May 3, 2012 Author Posted May 3, 2012 I messaged her earlier. she's going to call me tn for a goodnight call, but I said... "X, I'm sorry about yesterday. I think we can both agree, the last few days weren't about us, but we're both in graduate school and it's the end fo he semester. We're stressed as ****... I love you, and I want to make sure our time together is enjoyable" she replied... "I agree with you, just gotta get thru this final stretch of paper/test hell... I'm sorry too and I know we're gonna keep having fun together Life is hard sometimes it's ok lol I love you sweetie, gl with everything today :)" I know she has expectations to go with me to this party she was invited to this weekend and to my lab's party on saturday with my advisor/lab director.. I know she's excited, but I'M not done with my work. I'm in medical school for ****'s sake.... I am trying to think of a polite way to say I need to get my **** done now. She had her time, now I want mine.
veggirl Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 I know she has expectations to go with me to this party she was invited to this weekend and to my lab's party on saturday with my advisor/lab director.. I know she's excited, but I'M not done with my work. I'm in medical school for ****'s sake.... I am trying to think of a polite way to say I need to get my **** done now. She had her time, now I want mine. "I'm going to have to pass on the party this weekend, I am way too swamped with things to do" Whats so hard about that?
Author Dante311 Posted May 3, 2012 Author Posted May 3, 2012 I do think you guys jumped in too quickly. However, I think that just going along with whatever she wants and acting like you will just be there waiting for her will backfire. You can accomodate her need for space, but don't be afraid to state and stand up for your needs. Many women (I am one) don't want a man that is going to cater to our every whim, especially if we are being unfair or treating you poorly. There is fine line between being understanding and being a doormat. You can give her space, but make sure she understands that you are a person with feelings, too. Tell her this back and forth and uncertainty is upsetting to you, and that you hope she can get to the bottom of it soon. It is not your job to accomodate her moods at your own detriment. Many men who are in this situation give space and play nice because they think the woman will appreciate his patience and kindness. But often, the woman knows she is being unfair and his unconditional support is a turn off, showing that he will pretty much put up with anything. I'm not saying to act like a a55hole, but look out for your own interests. Make sure she knows that you aren't going to put up with her indecisiveness forever. trust me, I vocalized that right now... I feel victim to HER stress, and I'm terrified to even vocalize my stresses to her b/c she's not letting me be a support system (NOT a doormat) to her stress/needs during this time. I told her if she keeps this up, we're not going to work out. I'm indifferent towards going over this weekend at the moment.. not sure what I want to do...
Author Dante311 Posted May 3, 2012 Author Posted May 3, 2012 "I'm going to have to pass on the party this weekend, I am way too swamped with things to do" Whats so hard about that? Well, if she does something stupid at this party with another guy, at least that validates my reasons to end things with her
Author Dante311 Posted May 3, 2012 Author Posted May 3, 2012 I do not believe this relationship is broken yet... and it still can work. It's just going to have to take some time and her and I have to think things out. Last night on the phone she told me she wants to stop arguing and wants to be with me, she loves me. we'll see... so far to me... her actions (questions us twice,and wants space) vs. her words (I want to be with you, I love you) are telling TWO DIFFERENT stories to me...
Feelsgoodman Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 What in the heck just b/c she's feeling insecure and overwhelmed emotionally does not mean she's cheating--she probably saw a therapist and didn't want to divulge that information to you b/c she wants to only show herself in the best light to you. I'm sure that "therapist" gave a pretty good filling A woman crying for apparently no reason is a typical syndrome of cheater's guilt.
ASG Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I'm sure that "therapist" gave a pretty good filling A woman crying for apparently no reason is a typical syndrome of cheater's guilt. Is that based on all the women you know? Sometimes you cry because you're overwhelmed. And you don't want to share it. I know I have a very hard time sharing the things that are upsetting me. I agree with whoever said that now the honeymoon period is fading, she has to decide whether she really wants to be with you in the long run, which she maybe hasn't. That, couple with the stress form school can be a tad much. Also, if you were there every night, I think her roomate was really polite. I had that happen to me once (a roomate having the BF over EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!!) and I can tell you it is NOT cool!
NeverDated Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I'm sure that "therapist" gave a pretty good filling A woman crying for apparently no reason is a typical syndrome of cheater's guilt. Or pregnancy. Maybe she's knocked up.
Feelsgoodman Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Or pregnancy. Maybe she's knocked up. By another dude...
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