how to deal with different beliefs

[tomtina]

My girlfriend and I both in early twenties have been dating for about 2 years. We are an interracial and international couple. Sounds progressive? Well, she was raised as a conservative southern Baptist with a slightly racist and homophobic tendency and I was raised by a Korean presbyterian family with equally racist and homophobic atmosphere. The problem is that I have been away from my parents for about 10 years and that has changed a lot of things in my belief system. I believe in equal rights, social justice, and pretty much what is considered liberal in the US. My girlfriend on the other hand has strong ties with her dad who is a very strong supporter of the Christian right politics, has banned many popular movies in his house for religious reasons (harry potter - because its witchcraft, nemo - because Ellen degeneres is lesbian, etc). My girlfriend strongly believes in evalgelical interpretation of the bible and agrees with her dad for the most part. She is sometimes openly hateful against homosexuals or black people. What I dont understand is how could she even be attracted to a person like me who is a foreigner and of a different ethnicity from her. And I tried to accept her and sometimes convince her that homophobia and racism are bad things but I am losing my respect for her as we talk more about things and learn more about what she believes in. What I see as my hope is the fact that she is agreeing with her dad on every issue except on the matter of interracial dating. I think that got her think about her beliefs instead of blindly listening to her dad. And I saw that her viewpoints were shifting over the past 2 years away from her dads as she she was setting herself up as an independent woman. We had a big fight over the gay rights the other day, and I shouldn't have said it but I said that I could not continue loving someone who has believes that I consider hateful. She cried and said she always thought that i was a good boy who loves jesus. My question is do we have any chance of reconciling the differences? To further complicate things, both of our families finally accepted us as a couple and it was a long fight that seemed impossible. She will be visiting my country in a few weeks to meet my parents. And I am sure they will like each other except for their ethnicities. Sometimes it just feels like im the odd man out. My girlfriend, all my friends, all the older people around us are so viciously right wing Christians that sometimes I get nauseated by hearing what they say. i dont think I can live like this forever, but these people are the only people that i call family and friends and that gets me depressed. How do i deal with this?

Edited May 3, 2012 by tomtina

[RiverRunning]

Tomtina, I don't envy your position.

 

I grew up in a family that attended a Southern Baptist Church (notice I won't knock all Southern Baptist Churches - just the one my family went to). Well, specifically, my grandparents did - my parents stopped attending when they became adults, but we all went to church mostly on the holidays.

 

It was all fire and brimstone. Pastors would point out members of the church and discuss how that person would be burning in Hell if he didn't 'change his ways.' I remember being terrified when a pastor pointed at ME, as a child, and told me I would burn if I didn't obey my parents.

 

The gay-bashing was unreal. I remember standing in a mixed crowd of people from this church when one proudly boasted, "Every time a black guy turns in a resume, I tear it up right after." Several people laughed. I heard several members use intentionally derogatory language about members of other groups.

 

As an adult, I gave up on religion - not because of my childhood experiences (that helped get me out of going to church. The lack of belief is something else entirely).

 

What I can say is - I could never work with someone who's VERY religious, or even fairly into it. I could never work out with someone who hates gay people (two of my closest friends are gay and lesbian!). Now, I have seen couples who can bridge that I-hate-gay-people-and-you-don't bridge. But the fact is...most don't.

 

What if you two eventually have a child who is gay? How would she deal with that? A child who is a non-believer?

 

These are important things to ask yourself after two years together. With THIS degree of racism and homophobia, honestly, I would RUN far in the other direction. The degree of control her father seems to exert over her is also troubling - I know I wouldn't want to be in a party of three like that.

[mtber75]

This seems to be more about you...You changed but not your family and gf? I mean why be with her if you knew this was the way she was from her background and YOURS also? You said that your families finally accepted your relationship which is a great sign! Do you really want to end it because your believes have changed over the years...There are many couples who's political, religious believes are on the opposite end of the spectrum but they seem to love each other nevertheless.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Both of you are growing up and still learning who you really are.

 

Not to insult religious folk, but It's my personal opinion that you're likely a lot more aware and inquisitive and not just going with the flow and deciding your own morals within yourself...she may as be too however the influence of her dad is a strong and compelling one and she looks to him for guidance..that puts you on the outside of the "inner circle" (think Meet the ****ers) since you're saying one thing and he's saying another.

 

She relies on him as well as religion for clarity and understanding, and she seems to be buying everything she hears. In which you will have no power to control, this is her battle with her own morality and beliefs, there is nothing you can do to make the differences not collide unfortunately.

 

If she insists on her beliefs and sticks to her conservative views as "everything that isn't preached is bad/evil" then unfortunately she'll walk amongst the clones and continue to dedicate faith and mind to the teachings of their preachings in this church.

 

Realize that you're not attracted to what she believes in but her as a person, she's very likely not like this all of the time, and I don't personally believe it's human nature to want to hate something but since she is reminded constantly within herself she insists on being the condemner. But If she insists on her beliefs then that's just not a bridge she's going to be able to bridge between you two in terms of compromise...and compromise is the key...will she insist on being an extremists or meet you in the middle?

 

It's also about respect...can you respect the way she feels and what she believes and can she do the same for you? because without that you've got nothing, you lose respect you lose everything.

 

You'll need to have a serious talk about the issues that are in constant conflict and determine If this is something you can both live with and compromise over within the relationship...so communication is key here to conveying exactly how you feel and think to each other.

 

Whether It's worth salvaging is questionable...In all honesty If you keep questioning and stop abiding and she continues to have faith in the word then you're going to be in constant conflict...imagine situations like marriage and such, do you really want these people to be your in-laws one day? Is this the right girl for you? Are you willing to both fight through whatever differences you have to make it work? And depending on your beliefs Is it even possible?

 

For all you know you could break up and she'd end up with an ultra religious christian guy like herself and be happy and you'd end up with a liberal thinker who believes in equality...chances are, that might be the best outcome.

 

More importantly you've got to decide what you need out of this life, where you need to go and who you want to be, and whether you're associated with the right group of people to continue that, and maybe you need to detach from it.

 

Do what you feel is right.

[darkmoon]

either you two stop discussing the one thing that causes rows, or split, if the big family meeting does not go well, i hope you two see yourselves as a pair of adults, and not as children who impossibly have to please the folks, you'll both be back here asking about handling in-laws unless you learn to assert yourselves - you're dating her not her dad

Edited May 15, 2012 by darkmoon

[bean1]

What are you going to do if you marry her and she teachers your kids to hate gays and blacks? Honest question.

[tomtina]

Thanks guys and gals... We ended up breaking up but now it's confusing because she is not saying yes to a break up....i dont know if she likes me or not but she definitely doesn't want a break up. I posted a new thread for that reason.