Itsonlyme66 Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 ok. This is a new relationship that stems from a very old relationship. J is someone that I have actually known for about 19 years. We are in our forties now. He came to my son's christening (son is now 16).... and we have always known and saw each other. He was married to a friend of mine. They divorced 2 years ago. Actually, I haven't even heard from her for 2 years, when she told me she was in love with someone else and her and J were divorcing. Before that, I would talk to her MAYBE 1x a year, if that. We really hadn't been close since we were in our late 20's..... so I hesitate to call her a friend anymore because I don't even speak to her and haven't for years. However, J was her husband. They divorced, and I'm also alone now, so I went on a dating site, bored one night, and found him by accident. I sent a cheerful hey what's up!!! note to him and he wrote write back and said "call me" with his phone #. I did, and it automatically felt natural and comfortable. He suggested a Saturday night date. I had a date with someone else (we are not BF/GF though, it was a new date) so I declined and said how about Sunday? He said ok. On Sunday, I met him and we had drinks on the dock by the water. We told old stories, compared notes about our lives, and both of us laughed until we were literally in tears. It was definitely "the right stuff" in terms of a re-igniting friendship and a hell of a good time together. We found we have a lot in common, and that we always had a crush on each other. He even remembered times I had forgotten where he said I remember you wore this or that.... That evening, he didn't want to go home and frankly, I didn't want him to. Long story short, he spent the night. It was great. We're not kids, and we've both been around the block, so we did what felt natural and good. And it was. The next morning he stayed for awhile, we talked and had coffee in the kitchen. We laughed, he was very affectionate, complimentary, snuggly and all that. Then he went to work. Since then, he texts me pictures of flowers, sunsets, says "hey beautiful" asks how my sick mother is, etc. very consistent text communication. Two days later, he asked for another date. I went to his home which is 5 min up the street and he made kabobs on the grill. I did not spend the night, but we shared a great dinner, conversation and company together on the back patio and then snuggled in bed. He is a very giving lover in the bedroom, and his main concern was making sure I am happy and comfortable. He had lit candles and it wasn't a "player" type of situation. He was genuinely loving. I felt the same. We began to talk in bed (we did a lot of talking in bed about everything), and somehow the question came up of dating other people. He fell silent. I said, "are you dating someone?" He hesitated (at least he didn't lie) and he said, "I met a girl who lives about 30 min away and I have been dating her for 5 months. I see her on Wednesdays and every other weekend. She even already got reservations for my birthday in June. I don't know what to do. I feel like an ass. I'm crazy about you. I have to tell her we need to break it off. She tells me she loves me. I never said it back to her. The other day, she even texted to me, "I love you and i know you hate when i tell you that because you don't feel the same, but I don't care." He said, "I don't want to hurt her but I REALLY like you." I said, "well, I know you and I don't have a commitment, but if you've been seeing her for 5 months, she thinks you do. And if you don't talk to her, and you just begin to pull away and she finds out about me, you are going to really look badly and that isn't fair to her." He agreed. He then said he would take care of it. I kissed him goodbye a couple hours later, and he walked me to the car and asked me to text him when i arrived home, which I did. Then he said good night beautiful. Next morning. I wake up to a picture of a sunset on my phone. He asks how I'm doing. I said well it's Wednesday so that kind of sucks for me, lol. He said, "She and I will have a good talk tonight." I told him to do what feels right for HIM. He said, you're a sweetheart. I said just weigh your feelings but be honest. 2 hours later. He asks me if we can do something together tomorrow. I said ok and he wants to take me out for japanese food and a beach sunset. I said all right. Then later he writes "thinking of you" I know he likes me a lot. We have known each other for many years and just now we are able to see each other. He even said that night at his home that he wished he had met me before her. Long story short, (sorry for length) - tonight's wednesday. it's midnight. I haven't heard anything from him. I would have thought he would have taken care of business and at least texted me something. I have to assume he's still in her town, with her, probably overnight. I'm not sure how to handle this going forward. He and I do not have a commitment. We've only had two official dates, and tomorrow a third. He doesn't seem to want a Friend with Benefits in me. He pays, opens my car door, is always asking if I'm too hot or cold. He's introducing me to new music, he even talked to my mother on the telephone and said hi remember me? Then he wanted me to say hello on his phone to his brother. He's been sending my pictures around to his co-worker guys showing me off......I mean it's hard to believe to people that don't know J, but he's honestly a good man. He was a faithful good man to his wife for 18 years. How should I approach this? I enjoy my time with J and we think about each other all the time, however I can't push him to "break up" things with the other woman....yet he shouldn't have his cake and eat it too. I'm wondering if perhaps my best strategy would be to tell him we would continue to date, but that I really am not a friends with benefits type person (I'm not. I'm all or nothing within a normal timeframe) and that if he wanted to continue to date her, that was okay by me, but please understand I will also date others. Thoughts?
whichwayisup Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Okay, i went back and looked at your other threads. You've recently had a break up with the man you were going to marry. 6 years of crap, dealing with someone who treated you poorly, abused you since he was a narcissist. Sadly, he probably left you with scars.. And also it is possible that right now your man picker is slightly off.. Please don't get involved with this new guy. He IS a new guy as he hasn't been IN your life, daily life, just moments here and there so as I mentioned earlier, you really don't know him and what he's all about.
Author Itsonlyme66 Posted May 3, 2012 Author Posted May 3, 2012 Maybe my sensor and radar are off. I don't know. hell.
FitChick Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 I'd say keep dating him but let him know that you are dating others as well if it turns out he is still seeing her. He will have to make a choice at some point and so will you. She is probably his "Transitional Woman" since his divorce. It probably won't last, especially now that he's found you. Bide your time and enjoy yourself, too.
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