I have no idea what to think.

[2sunny]

It wasn't my nose he was blowing those roses up!!

lol.

 

I like that. my man picker is broken. yeah. it has been for years.

 

He was just holding my hand CONSTANTLY, looking into my eyes, like he had been waiting for me for that whole 20 years while we were both "taken"....

 

I can't believe he wasn't the man I thought I knew.

 

But nobody is, I guess.

I'm ready to become a cat lady.

 

This sounds more like a typical married man with his other woman. Just saying... And all the promises of "future stuff" is just an easy way to "hook your attention" but many times they are empty promises...

 

If he had said he would end it with her on Wednesday - then he should have DONE THAT! But he didn't... And now he wants you to be hurt and WAIT longer. No different than a MM with his other woman.

 

I'd say NO WAY!

 

Respect yourself - if you don't - he won't either.

[Itsonlyme66]

My responses to him today basically said that I would hang in and stand by him until he got this resolved.

 

Now I'm regretting saying that and I sold myself short.

 

How to fix it?

 

Not only don't i want to participate in a lie, but i don't want to be hidden or be someone's fallback girl either.

 

I should be the primary (only) one a man wants or needs, if he is going to be with me......

the slippery slope of my situation is that we are NOT in a committed relationship so is it unreasonable for me to ask him to stop seeing someone? I feel I'm being pushy to even have told him what I had said.

If we were exclusive, then ABSOLUTELY that would be one thing. But we were newly dating. I don't want him to think I'm trying to own him.

 

Anyhow, at this point, I'm exhausted and have to lie down. thanks for all your help guys. I never was good at seeing things objectively. I can give the best advice to everyone in the world but myself.

[twinsmom]

I hate to say this, but I know you've already thought it, because you said so. He could very well be with her this minute. His "being tired" excuse doesn't ring true, and he already told you that he spends weekends with her. I'm not saying this to make you feel worse; I'm saying this to make you MAD! Hope you somehow manage to get a peaceful sleep, and please don't let him draw you back in. Don't do that!!

[alexandria35]

Heeyyyy...I live with my cat. Oh F*CK! maybe that's why I'm so happy. I've turned into a crazy cat lady.

 

 

I think Alexandria is spot on. I AM carrying around and harboring a lot of buried unresolved issues from my 6 yr relationship that ended a couple of months ago. When this happened, it was like flashbacks for me. Especially coming from someone who I had known for 20 years and always seemed like a forthright guy as far as I knew. But you don't really know people until you get involved with them, and this was NOT a good start at all.

 

Hockey is right too. he's not worth my tears. And to answer the question, we practiced safe sex, yes.

 

It just felt so good to have a familiar (handsome) face telling me that it was all about MY comfort, MY feelings, MY needs and wants.... treating me like a Queen to my face so I took it all at face value. But behind my back, I was nothing to him.

 

It's the way he spoke to me that made it seem like more than 3x together. He said all the right things, right down to us being destined....planning to take me on more than a couple trips, spelling them out in detail, etc. He was talking about building a future based on our familiarity, attraction, and how much we "fit" together this past week and I just was a very easy mark.

 

Itsonlyme, I know just how that is. It was the same with the guy I rebounded to. If you've spent a long time with someone who makes you feel unimportant and unappreciated and then somebody appears who treats you like you are important and like you are special, it's a powerfull experience. Listening to someone build you up and put you on a pedestal is like a soothing balm for your damaged soul. It feels like medicine for the heart. So seductive and inviting. You feel like you're floating on a cloud of newfound happiness and security. When it blows up in our face we feel so stupid for being taken by words and flattery. Unfortunately this happens to a lot of people when they are wounded and vulnerable. The guy I took up with was incredibly convincing, I never would have dreamed that I was being manipulated by this unbelievably kind sincere man. Now I know that he and I both played an active part in how it all played out. I don't think he even fully grasped what he was doing. I think he really was smitten with me, but not really me personally, if you know what I mean. He was smitten with the idea of me being his perfect princess who was going to cure him of his mental issues, and he knew he had mental issues but he hid it from me. Sort of. Once I walked in to my kitchen to find him sitting at my table with kind of a goofy grin on his face. I asked him what he was looking so happy about and he showed me that he was playing with a stray hair of mine that he had found on the table. He said I was just admiring your hair and noticing that it's just as beautiful and perfect as the rest of you. Oh my Lord! it sounds so ridiculous to me now. You were admiring a single strand of my hair? that you found on the table? Now thats mental. And I lapped it all up because he really did look like he was filled with joy and because when it came to my ex I could have bled to death from my eyeballs right in front of him and he wouldn't have noticed. Now here was this guy who was paying attention to every single little detail about me, right down to a single strand of hair. It was heady stuff but it wasn't long before all that intense attention start to feel an awful lot like suffocation and then it eventually became outright abusive.

 

You can't let yourself get swept away by words and promises and feel good in the moment romantic experiences and you have to be especially vigilant when you know you are still hurting from events from the past. The worst time to seek a new romantic relationship is when you are hurting, lonely and needy. Romance can feel like it's just the thing you need the most when you are suffering, but it's just a drug to stave off painful feelings. Humans can instictively discern the strong and healthy from the weak and hurting. I don't know how we do it, it's just built into us and that's why wounded people often don't attract the best people. Nurse your wounds, be good to yourself and spend your time with platonic friends and family whom you know would never hurt you. Get some counselling if it's available. Your wounds will heal and you will get stronger from your hurtful past if you just give your heart a rest and let it recover. A broken heart is just like any other injuries that the body sustains. You don't run on a broken leg, you don't play baseball with a dislocated shoulder. You don't keep exposing your wounded parts to the risk of getting even more injured. You take your injured limb out of the action and give it the time it needs to recover and become stronger. So treat your heart with same care and tenderness you would give to your leg.

[alexandria35]

My responses to him today basically said that I would hang in and stand by him until he got this resolved.

 

Now I'm regretting saying that and I sold myself short.

 

How to fix it?

 

Not only don't i want to participate in a lie, but i don't want to be hidden or be someone's fallback girl either.

 

I should be the primary (only) one a man wants or needs, if he is going to be with me......

the slippery slope of my situation is that we are NOT in a committed relationship so is it unreasonable for me to ask him to stop seeing someone? I feel I'm being pushy to even have told him what I had said.

If we were exclusive, then ABSOLUTELY that would be one thing. But we were newly dating. I don't want him to think I'm trying to own him.

 

Anyhow, at this point, I'm exhausted and have to lie down. thanks for all your help guys. I never was good at seeing things objectively. I can give the best advice to everyone in the world but myself.

 

Oh boy. Now we're back to focusing on him are we? I kind of like your posts where you are talking about yourself the best.

 

Okay, yes you played this really strange. Your long email to him was kind of bizarre as you swung back and forth between trying to be cool with him seeing you and her at the same time, and then almost desperately insisting that he break things off with her immediately because you just know that you two can have a wonderful future together. You weren't being honest with him when you were trying to act all cool about not needing to be exclusive. You sent him mixed signals because you went out with him last night and attempted some tough talk about how your just each others option until he makes you a priority and then you totally melted for him later on when he wanted to take you to bed. Well nobody is ever going to make you a priority as long as you let them treat you like an option which is what you have done.

 

I don't think it's wrong for you to expect sexual exclusivity from him even if you are just casually dating. Personally I think having multiple concurrent sex partners is just disgusting and there is no way I would continue to have sex with someone who I know for a fact is having sex with other women. One night at one woman's house and then the next night at mine? No freaking way would I accept that. He has treated you thoughtlessly and carelessly but some of that is kind of on you because you allowed it and even invited it.

 

I'm going to sound like an old fashioned granny for a moment. If you want a exclusive relationship, if you think sexual intimacy is valuable and meaningful, if want somebody to value having sexual intimacy with you, then please treat those things as if they are valuable to you too. You can't just throw yourself out there sexually and then become offended because someone took what you were freely offering with zero emotional investment on their part. Why would anyone value that which you don't value? Why would you have sex with this guy the very first night you met with him and then wonder if he is seeing anyone else? Then you discovered he was, you realized he spent the night with her, you found out he hadn't broken up with her, gave him a speech about honesty and wanting to be a priority and then you gave it up to him again. This is the very thing that teaches men to ignore women when they talk. This saying one thing and doing the complete opposite. Women are notorious for going on long tirades of how they won't put up with this and that and then they continue to stick around for years of putting up with this and that. Men understand your actions, your words go in one ear and out the other.

 

The next time you get excited about a guy and see a potential future with him then treat it with care and consideration.Don't jump in the sack right away, don't immediately declare your total devotion to him. For the love of God, don't tell him you will accept him on any terms he is offering. Take it slow and work on laying a strong foundation for the relationship. Love, respect, trust and true intimacy are things we work towards achieving with another by investing our time and effort. You can't order these things up like they're items on a dinner menu.Sexual and emotional intimacy that is offered up too soon is actually a cheap imitation of intimacy. I know I'm talking like i'm from out of last century and I'm actually not a prude, but I do believe there are no shortcuts in life. We get back from life what we put into it.

[findingnemo]

I've read through the thread and I know that you've been given the best advice here.

 

Here's the thing though. I don't think just your man picker is broken. I think you are quite broken too. I recognize so much of myself in you including writing a long email full of contradictions and excuses. Knowing most of the time that the man is acting like an a$$ but still giving him the benefit of doubt. What's worse is the whole rekindled love thing.

 

When we come out of abusive Rs, we tend to try to go back to what we knew was better. Going out with an ex or someone from our past helps us 1) trust that before the abusive A we actually were better at picking them (so a person from the past is probably a safer bet) and 2) we subconsciously think that the way to fix the problem within us is to move backwards and try to do things differently this time.

 

It doesn't work like that because people change over the years and we go in still seeing them as we did when they were young and innocent. Also, since we have no idea why the heck we made grave mistakes in the first place, it's highly unlikely that we will instinctively know what to do differently. It's basically like going from the pot into the fire.

 

You don't love this man. You like the fantasy of the man. You don't even need his love, you crave somebody's love...anybody as long as it's real love. But what you crave can only come from within. You must love yourself first. You must figure out what you like, what you don't like, your interests, your boundaries, etc. When you fall in love with yourself, you will not need validation from another human being. As long as you stay broken, you'll always end up in these kinds of situations. Time to get to know who you are and what is wonderful about you before you start expecting others to see those things.

[xxoo]

I should be the primary (only) one a man wants or needs, if he is going to be with me......

the slippery slope of my situation is that we are NOT in a committed relationship so is it unreasonable for to ask him to stop seeing someone? I feel I'm being pushy to even have told him what I had said.

If we were exclusive, then ABSOLUTELY that would be one thing. But we were newly dating. I don't want him to think I'm trying to own him.

 

You've known each other for 20 years. That counts as the "getting to know you" period. He absolutely should not date you unless he is willing to date only you.

 

IMO, he's probably not an evil guy. But he's bouncing around between what feels good, and avoiding anything that feels bad. Dating you feels good. Dumping Heather feels bad. Chasing good feelings, and avoiding bad ones, is more important to him than loyalty, integrity, and building a strong relationship. This is probably the fallout of his divorce, and not something he can "fix" in short order.

[Stellar Wench]

i know you're trying to be a decent guy in the "J Way" with H AND me. I get that.

I know you like me. And I know there's something critical missing between you and H. If there wasn't, then 1) you would have disabled POF awhile ago (it takes one second to delete the account) and 2) there's no way you'd be taking me out, sleeping with me, and developing a dating relationship with me if you were in love with her.

He told you he's really into you, and he hasn't disabled his POF account for you either.

 

Make up a fake POF profile and contact him. He'll probably bite.

[Yare]

You went from one narcissist to another:o

[2sunny]

You've known each other for 20 years. That counts as the "getting to know you" period. He absolutely should not date you unless he is willing to date only you.

 

IMO, he's probably not an evil guy. But he's bouncing around between what feels good, and avoiding anything that feels bad. Dating you feels good. Dumping Heather feels bad. Chasing good feelings, and avoiding bad ones, is more important to him than loyalty, integrity, and building a strong relationship. This is probably the fallout of his divorce, and not something he can "fix" in short order.

 

I agree he looks like a conflict avoider... And I'm sure it played a big role in the demise of his marriage too.

 

And what he is doing now is showing his lack of character.

 

Even IF he broke it off with the other gal right now - I would still choose not to date him at all since he shows such character flaws that can't be fixed without a ton of change in his core being.

 

Otherwise he is just likely to treat you with these same BIG chara Ted flaws if you decide to date him in the future.

 

He will still avoid telling you what's really on his mind. He will avoid being honest to have more cake eating, he will still be sneaky and manipulative to get what he wants behind your back.

 

There's nothing good that comes when you always wonder IF what he says is what he's going to DO... He's proven he's capable of lies.

 

I'd text him and just say:

 

After much thought - my preference is not to date a man of your lack of character.

 

That's all I would say. I wouldn't respond after that to ANY further texts her might send.

[2sunny]

I'd bet money if you had a chance to ask his exW about the M - he did the same behavior and patterns to her while they were married.

 

I don't fully buy his reason why they D. What was the part he played in it all? She may have left in the end - but what was his behavior that lead to her considering seeing another man? Was he lying through out the M by stating empty words and promises with NO ACTION to back up his empty words? I bet he was!

 

Was he also paying attention to OTHER women while married to HER? I bet he was!

 

I'm sure HIS character flaws lead (at least in part) to the marriage ending... Yet he doesn't take responsibility for any of it - he blames his exW. I don't think HE'S as innocent as he portrays in why it ended.

 

He hasn't learned from it - he hasn't grown as a person since his D.

 

He has a LOT of work to do on his character defects! But he's not even facing them or trying NOT to hurt other people as he moves forward.

 

He's just taking his same crappy behaviors and placing them onto NEW women.

 

Don't allow that to be YOU!

 

He's very broken! And he's not even trying to change what needs to be fixed.

 

He's a total douche!

[Itsonlyme66]

Helping me to see things in perspective. I'm not a stupid person or a dolt. I KNOW what everyone is saying is completely true.

 

But someone said that the "getting to know you part" WAS the 20 years we knew each other in the past, and I agree with that. I felt I knew him and he was "safe".

 

His marriage ended because his wife went back to HER old flame of 20 years ago....2 years ago she found K again. So J found out about it (nude text pics on her phone, etc) and he told her he wanted a divorce. He actually said he had wanted one for years, so this made one feel justified for him to get it now. Her new (old) relationship with K fell apart within months, and she wanted J back, but he said no. Still, again he doesn't like to "hurt" people so he says, so he is friends with his ex. I know enough to know they are not intimate. At this pint after an 18 year marriage, they are cordial and he will help her if she needs it, but she wants him back because i saw messages from her and i know her number. so he wasn't a bad guy in the marriage.

 

Still, he told me he really wanted to leave R (*wife) for years.... but didn't want to "hurt" her.

 

Guess that explains right there he won't leave Heather. He doesn't want to "hurt" her either!

 

So I got up today, and life trudges along. I have not heard one xo, one smiley, one nothin'. Phone is quiet. I guess it's a fade and I will probably not hear from him again.

 

thank you all for helping me through this. And for sharing your own very personal stories. It helps me keep things grounded in my head.

[Itsonlyme66]

Thanks especially for your post.

 

It spelled out what I couldn't make sense of. It is exactly to a tee how I feel.

 

you shared a lot of personal things that resonated with me and especially helped me view what is happening and why.

 

oh, and he's still active on POF...

[2sunny]

Helping me to see things in perspective. I'm not a stupid person or a dolt. I KNOW what everyone is saying is completely true.

 

But someone said that the "getting to know you part" WAS the 20 years we knew each other in the past, and I agree with that. I felt I knew him and he was "safe".

 

His marriage ended because his wife went back to HER old flame of 20 years ago....2 years ago she found K again. So J found out about it (nude text pics on her phone, etc) and he told her he wanted a divorce. He actually said he had wanted one for years, so this made one feel justified for him to get it now. Her new (old) relationship with K fell apart within months, and she wanted J back, but he said no. Still, again he doesn't like to "hurt" people so he says, so he is friends with his ex. I know enough to know they are not intimate. At this pint after an 18 year marriage, they are cordial and he will help her if she needs it, but she wants him back because i saw messages from her and i know her number. so he wasn't a bad guy in the marriage.

 

Still, he told me he really wanted to leave R (*wife) for years.... but didn't want to "hurt" her.

 

Guess that explains right there he won't leave Heather. He doesn't want to "hurt" her either!

 

So I got up today, and life trudges along. I have not heard one xo, one smiley, one nothin'. Phone is quiet. I guess it's a fade and I will probably not hear from him again.

 

thank you all for helping me through this. And for sharing your own very personal stories. It helps me keep things grounded in my head.

 

This explains what SHE was DOING in the M. But it doesn't REALLY explain HIS PART in it.

 

He's probably quiet today because either A) he feels guilty because now you know... Or B) he's with her and is too busy paying attention to her or C) he's been on POF more again and has another gal he's hooked and trying to reel in for believing all his BS and lies!

 

Don't close your eyes... Every person has THEIR OWN PATTERN OF HOW THEY PARTICIPATE within relationships. Most are consistent - no matter who they are with! He may have participated in his M by always using words to his wife but never having ACTIONS that back up his words. Like a kid "Ok Mom, I'll take out the trash within 30 minutes" - only to find out that at the end of the day they never took out the trash. And DOING hat same behavior EVERY time they SAID they would DO something but NEVER doing it! THAT GETS OLD!!! Ad I'd bet money his exW dealt with hat crap from him EVERY day they were married...but he'll never tell you about THAT! It might make HIM have to be responsible for his OWN behavior!

 

 

Conflict avoiders are just that within any R

 

Passive aggressive types are just that within their R

 

Selfish people are just selfish no matter who they are with

 

And the giving types are just ALWAYS giving and giving no matter who they are with (although they are usually with the ones who take, take, take)... Always looks out of balance because one gives and the other takes... Feels out of balance too.

 

And the cheaters will always cheat - they only need willing participants who will help them cheat - someone hat ALLOWS it

 

The abuses need a victim to play the role of allowing abuse

 

The passive types need someone to control them

 

The rescuers need those that need to be rescued

 

 

You get my drift?

 

Take some time on your own to learn how to make better choices for yourself - to value yourself - and how to require decency from anyone you may consider spending YOUR TIME with. Be kind to yourself too!

[alexandria35]

Good Morning Itonlyme, I hope you had a restfull night and woke up feeling stronger and refreshed. Sometimes a good sleep can do us a world of good in clearing in our head.

 

Wow I can't believe how involved I've become on this thread. I'll sometimes go weeks or even months barely posting anything at all here and then occassionally a thread or a person comes along that just really speaks to me in a way that I can connect to. Itsonlyme I really think that you are just a really kind and good person who just looking for love and happiness like the rest of us but you've sort of lost your way.

 

One thing you can work on is spotting the contradictions and lies in the stories people tell you. You have mentioned a few times now that the only reason his marriage failed, was because of her actions. Now I'm not defending what she did. She obviously cheated on her husband and that is always a terrible thing to do. However you go on to say that he told you he had been wanting a divorce for years and just never had courage to say so. Well how good of a husband could he have been to her when he secretly wanted to leave her? How do you think that felt to her? It doesn't matter that she didn't know because he was too much of a coward to tell her. She felt it. She felt that her husbands heart wasn't in the marriage and that he didn't really care about her and that may have been a reason she went looking for love from someone else. Not justifying or defending her behavior either. She didn't handle the situation with integrity or honesty at all. But what he did was horrible too. You don't spend years with someone just because you're too much of a coward to speak up and take action. You and he seem to see this as him just being to caring and kind to hurt anyones feelings. No thats not it at all. His actions are those of a cowardly conflict avoider. And if he was a conflict avoider about divorcing, what else was he avoiding being honest about in his marriage? How nice for him that he now can place all the blame for his failed marriage on his exwife when he spent years being dishonest with her.

[Itsonlyme66]

maybe i should just send him an email and say let me know when you're done with Heather.

if I'm still around.

 

or not? i don't know.

for now i'm going to sit on things and just assume he will not contact me again. that might be easier.

[truthbetold]

No, no no! Re-read Alexandria last post. It's spot on again he's a classic CA.

 

You DO NOT want him, if he emails you ...you tell him, upon second thought this was all a whirlwind but you're not matched up in what you want and you say goodbye. ANYTHING ELSE is setting yourself up for ALLOWING him to disrespect you.

 

If I am reading you correctly, you ARE NOT wired to multi date. If you were, you would not be bugged by Heather in the least. Since he told you she already has birthday plans with hiim, it wouldn't even be on your radar to try to "steal him away" from these plans, you'd just hook up with him whenever and it would be no big deal. Even if you took sex off the table, you'd just lay that out there and say you only have sex exclusively but continue to date him with no expectations. But I have a feeling you ARE looking for exclusivity and love Yes? Get honest with yourself.

 

I have suggestions for how to fix your broken man picker but I gotta get my thoughts together. Rough night last night lol. But I want to STOP you from ALLOWING him to mistreat you. I'll post more on connecting to your happiness. It starts with dropping him like the ass that he's shown himself to be.

[2sunny]

maybe i should just send him an email and say let me know when you're done with Heather.

if I'm still around.

 

or not? i don't know.

for now i'm going to sit on things and just assume he will not contact me again. that might be easier.

 

Don't make ANY effort - whether he contacts or NOT!

 

No effort = he will go away! Stand firm on no contact! That will eliminate his negative energy from your life.

 

He's a tool! Don't waste ANy time or energy even thinking about him or being with him. He's a cake eater and a player!

 

He doesn't deserve to kiss the ground you walk on! Ahahaha

 

But seriously - he's a scumbag!

 

Two women weren't even enough - he is still on POF looking for MORE!

[2sunny]

Good Morning Itonlyme, I hope you had a restfull night and woke up feeling stronger and refreshed. Sometimes a good sleep can do us a world of good in clearing in our head.

 

Wow I can't believe how involved I've become on this thread. I'll sometimes go weeks or even months barely posting anything at all here and then occassionally a thread or a person comes along that just really speaks to me in a way that I can connect to. Itsonlyme I really think that you are just a really kind and good person who just looking for love and happiness like the rest of us but you've sort of lost your way.

 

One thing you can work on is spotting the contradictions and lies in the stories people tell you. You have mentioned a few times now that the only reason his marriage failed, was because of her actions. Now I'm not defending what she did. She obviously cheated on her husband and that is always a terrible thing to do. However you go on to say that he told you he had been wanting a divorce for years and just never had courage to say so. Well how good of a husband could he have been to her when he secretly wanted to leave her? How do you think that felt to her? It doesn't matter that she didn't know because he was too much of a coward to tell her. She felt it. She felt that her husbands heart wasn't in the marriage and that he didn't really care about her and that may have been a reason she went looking for love from someone else. Not justifying or defending her behavior either. She didn't handle the situation with integrity or honesty at all. But what he did was horrible too. You don't spend years with someone just because you're too much of a coward to speak up and take action. You and he seem to see this as him just being to caring and kind to hurt anyones feelings. No thats not it at all. His actions are those of a cowardly conflict avoider. And if he was a conflict avoider about divorcing, what else was he avoiding being honest about in his marriage? How nice for him that he now can place all the blame for his failed marriage on his exwife when he spent years being dishonest with her.

 

And no different than being with Heather AND you while STILL searching on POF for more women to lie to and manipulate into believing that he's done nothing wrong.

 

But he has! He's not honest! He hasn't been honest with his wife, with Heather and now you... As he dated and slept with you before he TOLD YOU about Heather!

 

His pattern speaks for his lack of character!

 

And I too believe he could have been honest about HIS wants and needs in his marriage IF he was intending to have a HEALTHY marriage.

 

He has a lot to learn about honesty and proper order.

 

He's living life a$$ backwards! There's good reason why he keeps hurting people - the common link is HIM

 

There's nothing to consider - all he's offered is lies and crap! He has created this life and he's not learning how to do things differently at all!

 

There's no good reason for YOU to participate in the crap he's trying to spoon feed you.

[alexandria35]

maybe i should just send him an email and say let me know when you're done with Heather.

if I'm still around.

 

ACK!! NO NO NO. OMG!! NO!

 

or not? i don't know.

for now i'm going to sit on things and just assume he will not contact me again. that might be easier.

 

Oh Lord! I really hope he doesn't contact you again because it seems that you will welcome him with open arms if he does. Nobody can make you see this guy for what he is or make you close the door in his face, but I think everyone here can see that this is a trainwreck in the making. All I can say is that you have been very fortunate in that he has revealed his poor character so early on. Many women don't get all this information about the loser they're dating until they are many many months into it, sometimes years. His words, his actions, that stray text message, have all been gifts to you from the universe. Gifts that you can accept and use to make the right choice. Can't you see what is going on here? He is going to spend the weekend with Heather, he is going to have sex with her and call her baby and make her feel good. Then he is going to come back and contact you and tell he has made progress in breaking up with Heather, it should only be a couple of weeks now.

 

And you know what just occurred to me? If he is sooooo scared of hurting Heathers little feelings and he wants to break things off slowly, then why does he have to keep going to spend the night with her? Like if I was conflict avoiding dishonest coward like he is and I wanted out of a relationship but I didn't have the integrity or the guts to just say so, well then I might do something along the lines of just avoiding get togethers with the person I want to break up with. Like when our usual date night rolls around, I might call that person up and say "hey, I'm not feeling well this week, can we skip our date tonight". Then the next time we're supposed to get together I might claim something urgent and unexpected came up and I have to beg off again. Then I might see the person a couple of times, but be distant and cut the evening short, knowing that after a couple of weeks of this the other person is going to be wondering what the heck is going on and they might even initiate the break up conversation themselves. They might say, 'hey something has changed in our relationship and I don't know if want to continue going on this way' Then I, in my conflicting avoiding cowardly ******* way, could simply agree with them that we shouldn't go on this way but make it look as if the break up is all their idea since they're the one who brought it up afterall. Yeaaahh..that's the ticket. Thats how I'd do it. I'd definitely wouldn't be sending them "hey baby" texts and having sex with them. I certainly wouldn't be sleeping over at their house.

 

Lets face it. If he's been boinking Heather for the last five months then he is most probably more attached to Heather than he is to you. He told you he doesn't love her and obviously he doesn't or he wouldn't be cheating on her, but he certainly doesn't love you either. Not that he should love you, you've only spent a couple of nights together. But his actions are not the actions of a man who is breaking up with his gf, not even in cowardly conflict avoiding way. His actions are the actions of a man who wants to play and have fun with both of you. And there's a lot of action to be found on POF. I seriously doubt that their are only two of you.

[2sunny]

I'm sure he already gave her the soap too... All with the great idea that he picked it out just for her - because he was thinking about her and that she's so special...

[xxoo]

Just tell this guy to take a hike, whether he breaks it off with H or not.

 

Look how much pain you've already paid for just a few dates with him. Imagine all the pain that you most certainly will sign up for if you hitch your wagon to him.

[2sunny]

And you DO know what to think - you just aren't taking the proper ACTION. It would involve cutting him off completely... So you could have the possibility of finding a decent, kind and loving man who invokes HONESTY!

 

But you will NEVER get that in this guy... So cut him off.

[alexandria35]

I'm sure he already gave her the soap too... All with the great idea that he picked it out just for her - because he was thinking about her and that she's so special...

 

Blech! that's exactly what I thought when she said that she returned the soap to him. That he was just going to to turn around and give it to Heather or some other woman he has on his hook.

 

OP I hope you never ever talk to this guy again, but if you do, then tell him you've had a change of heart about the lovely soap he gave you. That you feel bad now for returning his sweet and thoughtful gift and then ask if you can have the soaps back. Just to see if he still has it. Maybe he will run right out and try to repurchase the exact same soaps....LOL. Oh it's gotta be tough to be him, working so hard to keep so many ladies happy.

[Itsonlyme66]

When I did that, it did essentially cut him off.

 

I mean, he's not calling now, so he's probably embarrassed or "busy"..... and yeah sunny I figure he gave her the soaps. I didn't even want them after all this came about.

 

But when I told him this was not right, he agreed and said yes let me finish this before I start something else. It's going to take a couple of weeks to let her down (whatever) and I said ok.

 

THEN I MADE THE MISTAKE. I became scared, and selfish, and said NO WAIT. I will see you. I don't care if you're honest with her; just be honest with ME. Then STILL he started to pull back.

and I thought. and thought. And I did not respect myself for doing that, so he won't respect me either. I'm showing him you can railroad over me and I'm so desperate for some affection and companionship from you, that you can get away with it.

 

Bad bad bad.

Now I composed an email today, like i said (and it's short) that basically says let me know when you're free of your relationship or something to that effect and we'll see what's what at that point.

 

But I haven't sent it. I figure maybe it's smarter to just let it lay.

 

Last night he texted "good night (insert my name)" when all week it was "good night baby" and "good night sweetie or beautiful"

so i figure he's out anyhow.

 

i don't even know why he bothered to write last evening asking "whatcha doin" and stuff....sending me a screen shot of his TV in his living room (for proof he was home alone?) who knows.

 

why even bother with me at all. i'm not even contacting him.