oregon Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 Hey everyone, I was just wondering if anyone had some advice for me involving a long distance relationship that went bad. I am in the service stationed out on the oregon coast and While I was out here I started falling for one of my best friends back home in pennsylvania. The more I talked to her the more I started to realize how much I liked her. We got to know everything about one another and she started to like me as well. About six months into talking she ended up hooking up with her ex boyfriend from college and although this crushed me I had to be somewhat forgiving b/c I wasn't there and we weren't even together at this point. She apologized and we got through it and things started looking really well from this point on. I came home in feb to visit and we hit it off really well. We were both excited to see each other and we might have taken things to far by sleeping together and what not but I didn't care b/c I finally had her and I knew I was in love with her. She told me she loved me and then I had to leave to come back to oregon. She came out the following week to visit me on her spring break and things appeared to be really well. It wasn't until she went home and a few weeks had passed until she started freaking out about the relationship and started fighting with me. I'm not perfect and I'm sure I bugged her about ex boyfriends and her out drinking but I was worried about her being at school. She ended things a week before I was supposed to come home to visit her in april. I was upset but I still came home to see her. She said she didn't want anything when I came home but we still hooked up. It was going alright until I found out she was still talking to two of her ex boyfriends! We got in a big fight about the breakup and I returned to the coast brokenhearted and confused. She called for the next week or so trying to be friends but I just couldn't talk to her without getting upset about these other guys. After a few weeks she finally told me that she broke up with me b/c she didn't have any feelings for me and she basically fell in love over the phone and when I came home she realized I wasn't for her. We have grown pretty distant. Part of me really wants her. Part of me will settle for friendship to keep her in my life, and part of me thinks she treated me like **** and I need to move on. I always thought it was the distance that got between us but she says it is just me. She told me I did nothing wrong she just didn't have feelings for me. I guess I'm trying to move on but a part of me can't help to hold out hope for when my enlistment is up and I am living back in PA in ten months. We will write an email back and forth about once a week or so but her letters are very impersonal and she doesn't really seem to give a **** about me. I could be overreacting but I just don't know. If anyone has any thoughts I would really appreciate it. Thanks!
therresa kennedy Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 Hello Mister Oregon, Well, given that I am 38, have a bit more life experience than you, you're probably in your twenties right? I am going to go out on a limb here and give you some advise. LOVE HURTS, but you have to move on. If she's still talking to TWO of her ex-boyfriends then that should tell you something. She likes knowing that men still "pine" for her, to use an old expression. She gets off on the feeling of control that it gives her. And if she was so willing to sleep with you while supposedly attached to another man, what does that tell you? That perhaps she is not as moral or decent as you would like to believe. Sounds like she is playing the field, getting it while she can and (no strings) is probably her favorite motto. I know it's hard when you're focused on a person and longing for that person, but don't sell yourself short. The world is full of MILLIONS of people, that may sound heartless and cold, but its true. It doesn't sound like she is capable of being faithful or of giving herself completely to one person right now. Let HER be the one to catch a disease, not YOU. Why should you sell yourself short with a woman who more than likely would be cheating on YOU the way she cheated on that young man she was supposedly "with". You DO deserve better. There are lots of nice girls in Oregon, just keep an eye peeled. The old expression "time heals all wounds" is a good one, it is true and in time you will find a nice girl who can be upfront and honest with you and not just a game playing bed hopper. Hang in there, it will happen, and good luck to you being in the service. Be safe. Best Regards,
Author oregon Posted June 22, 2004 Author Posted June 22, 2004 Thanks for the reply, I know you are right and it's hard to accept but what can you do. It is a shame to watch your best friend hurt herself and throw you aside when you know you care about her more than all the rest. She used to be so special to me and now it's nothing. Do you think it is even worth keeping the friendship if I'm even capable of doing that much? I would rather watch out for her then see her destroy herself but maybe she needs a reality check and needs to see that I'm not going to stick around like the others. When talking about the breakup she told me she had her heart broken twice (by the aformentioned boyfriends) and I asked her why, if they broke her heart, where they both still in her life. She couldn't answer. I guess one of the guys graduated college and is no longer in the picture. The other is her old highschool flame who is a nice guy but he probably fed up with her bull**** after all these years. It may sound bad but I'm already proving to be the better person and I want her to realize how bad she messed up by throwing me away. Oh well, I guess it's not that important. the females in my family told me to cut ties with her and the next time I see her I should be introducing her to my beautful girlfriend that I will meet when I go to school. This girl is not a whore. All of these guys have been in her life in big ways and I'm sure she is confused and wants to live it up at school but damn! It is a shame isn't it.
Author oregon Posted June 22, 2004 Author Posted June 22, 2004 I would also like to add that she wasn't with this guy when I came home and we hit it off. She still had feelings for him and they were drunk and you know that old story! I knew about her being with these guys and I accepted it but once she said they were out of the picture and she wanted me I kind of let my guard down. Is there anyway to let her know I really disapprove of her lifestyle or is it not worth the trouble?
therresa kennedy Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 Well Oregon, I just got back to the computer, had to do the dishes, I just really think for your own happiness and sanity you should concentrate on putting her behind you. It is SAD, theres no getting away from that, but it's such part of life. Sometimes it feels so right, and we think "this is it, this is the one" only to find out later we were wrong. Emotions run high, especially when we are in love, or "in sex" as the case may be, because sometimes its hard to know the difference. You're both probably so young, and it sounds like you invested more into the relationship than she did. You deserve a girl who is going to put you first, no game playing. She's out there and when you meet her you'll know, she won't be getting drunk or sleeping with multiple partners either, at least I hope not. I am sure this girl is not really that bad of a person, but it sounds like she's still playing at being a grown up. Don't waste your time with people like this, they sap your strength and they will hurt you and contribute to making you feel bitter and like you can't trust anyone anymore. Feeling sad is a healthy part of life, don't DENY your emotions in this regard, saddness, anger, dismay, fear, bewilderment are all things we have to feel in life. Feel sad, indulge in a little self-pity in this regard, comfort yourself, it's good for you to do that, and then later you will feel you can move on and you will begin the process of forgetting. The process of forgetting is also a part of life and as you get older you will learn more about that whole concept, poets even write poetry on the process of forgetting. Not in the manner you might think, not forgetting our names, phone numbers or addresses, just the things in life that can be the cause of so much of our pain. You want to find a woman who is going to share a mutual SYMPATHY with you, who will be moved by your pain or saddness in whatever situation you find yourself in and when you find such a woman, you will fall in love and feel an intence connection to her. It will happen. Good luck and hang in there!
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