FrustratedStandards Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 As someone else said: Folks that are in long term relationships encounter attractive people on a daily basis and do not act on those feelings of attraction. However, some cross the line on a voluntary basis and then become addicted to the affair. Many of these folks are very good at deception. A person that is not good at deception cannot have an affair. This might seem obvious to anyone else, but why are affairs addictive? I would imagine that if you are addicted to a person, you want to be with them. But why an affair? What part of cheating/getting away with something bad is addictive?
Quiet Storm Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 My boyfriend knows nothing of us and I do not plan to tell him. I do not want him to be worried every time I go to work. He should be worried. You are not trustworthy. 1
Pierre Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 This might seem obvious to anyone else, but why are affairs addictive? I would imagine that if you are addicted to a person, you want to be with them. But why an affair? What part of cheating/getting away with something bad is addictive? Brain scans of folks in deep love are very similar to the brain scans of folks addicted to cocaine. Affairs trigger powerful deep romantic feelings because of the issue of secrecy. The dynamics of an affair are often not like dating in the open market and somehow create a very strong OCD component. Check out the OWs at the OW section and how addicted they are to the married man. Not being able to have the partner regularly in open daily generates a huge addiction.
FitChick Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 A person that is not good at deception cannot have an affair. It seems like more stress than it would be worth. Some people like drama. I don't. I like reliability and security. That's exciting to me! Pierre -- when I want cake, I bake one.
FrustratedStandards Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Brain scans of folks in deep love are very similar to the brain scans of folks addicted to cocaine. Affairs trigger powerful deep romantic feelings because of the issue of secrecy. The dynamics of an affair are often not like dating in the open market and somehow create a very strong OCD component. Check out the OWs at the OW section and how addicted they are to the married man. Not being able to have the partner regularly in open daily generates a huge addiction. That's both interesting and scary at the same time.
Pierre Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 That's both interesting and scary at the same time. Madly in love. New romantic love can look like addiction, obsession, or outright craziness on brain scans. Infatuation activates the same parts of the brain that a thrill-seeking gambler experiences, aching for his next win; or that a drug addict feels on the way to the next high. When extreme, romantic feelings can distort reality and impair judgment. The things we would do for love! During head-over-heels infatuation, the brain chemical dopamine is showered onto different parts of the brain. Obsessively dwelling on the beloved, forgetting about work and duties, ignoring friends and family, or risking reputations may seem perfectly acceptable to a brain in love. The parts of the brain that measure and calculate are willing to risk it all for love. Craving for the beloved is only one facet of the similarity to addiction. Like obsession, increasing closeness to the object of affection is required to satisfy desire. Anxiety arises when the possibility of separation looms; when the beloved is absent, the pain of withdrawal ensues. Relapse is also common: a photo, a song, a scent can take us back to a state of longing for a lost love. Break-ups after an intense romance are among life’s most painful experiences. After being rejected by the beloved, what happens to the brain scan? The rejected partner continues to activate the same brain areas linked to wanting and craving, the very same centers activated in those who are happily in love. The same chaos in the brain is at work, whether our love is fulfilled or unrequited. Being dumped can actually intensify the activation of this part of the brain. Stalking the loved one, phoning over and over, and calculating exactly what has been lost are all manifestations of this phenomenon. Exploring Wellness for Body, Mind and Self: This Is Your Brain On Love 2
wwwjd Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 I love cotton candy. But I don't eat it all the time, even though I would love it all the time. (my deep anology. wait for it... let it sink in)
Quiet Storm Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Brain scans of folks in deep love are very similar to the brain scans of folks addicted to cocaine. Affairs trigger powerful deep romantic feelings because of the issue of secrecy. The dynamics of an affair are often not like dating in the open market and somehow create a very strong OCD component. Check out the OWs at the OW section and how addicted they are to the married man. Not being able to have the partner regularly in open daily generates a huge addiction. It also creates addiction because of the interrmittent reinforcement. The uncertainty, and then the great reward. Like gambling. The cheating partner gives positive reinforcement to the affair partner, often in ways such as talking about feelings and physcial affection. This causes the affair partner to feel special and important to the cheater. Then the cheater goes back to the wife/GF, leaving the affair partner feeling confused and insecure. The affair partner is thinking about him, missing him, wondering what he's doing, etc. When they meet up again, that prior uncertainty makes the meeting even more passionate and exciting. Just like if you waste $200 on the slot machines and sit there for hours, when you win $50 you're going to feel happy. So happy that you'll keep playing, waiting for the next reward. 2
Sanman Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 The bottom line here becomes that affairs happen because they are fun and adventure-filled. You get all the attention, sex, emotional highs without the fights over bills, having to clean up after the person, and other adult concerns that a long-term relationship entails. Most people who leave their long-term partner for affairs find that the fun fades and the new person is just as annoying as the old partner or worse. Sure, some affairs do work out, but they are in the minority. Most likely, the cheater will cheat again in the new relationship looking for that same high.
Imajerk17 Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 (edited) Well, looks like Emilyevans is just going to vaporize herself. It figures... Seriously, what kind of woman really loves her boyfriend and yet goes on dates with another guy? And that's precisely what Emily did. She knew she was deeply attracted to him and she hanged out with him where, between them being along and the alcohol, there was a great chance of something happening. What a s-k-a-... {censored myself to avoid moderator action} And her boyfriend will find out about this. See, her coworkers already know. Emily will take him to a work function and all it will take will be one, ONE of her coworkers who is so pissed off at what she is doing, to say something. Edited May 3, 2012 by Imajerk17
ohmygoshistalk Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 ok hold on hold on just one guy u dont need to tell ur bf. my best advice is to quit your job find something else..forgive yourself for this incident and move on.
manup Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 This might seem obvious to anyone else, but why are affairs addictive? I would imagine that if you are addicted to a person, you want to be with them. But why an affair? What part of cheating/getting away with something bad is addictive? It's really simple brain chemistry, it's why if you want a monogamous relationship you have BOUNDARIES. It's really simple actually.
blueskyday Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 (edited) It's fairly easy. Act according to the role you are in. If you are a girlfriend, then act like one. No going out with other guys. If you want to go out with other guys, change your role to single so you can freely do so. If you actually want attention and aren't getting it from your boyfriend, then go to HIM and ask him for what you want. Often that's all it is. You want excitement and the feeling of novelty? Go do new things with your boyfriend. That stimulates the areas of the brain associated with pleasure and excitement, which is EXACTLY what you are doing with the new guy at work. Perhaps your relationship has run its course, and you want out. Many people simply use attraction to another person to pull them out of a relationship they no longer want to be in but are too chicken to end. It's like grabbing another branch before you let go of the other one. You don't need to do that. Simply fix or leave your existing relationship if it doesn't meet your needs or standards. NEVER leave for another person. Leave for yourself. Period. Start things right and you will have a happier life. The statistics show relationships started as affairs have a very low chance of succeeding. I believe it is less than a 5% chance! Compare that to 50% chance of relationships in general. I've been in your shoes. I viewed my intense attraction to another man while in a marriage as a signal that something was WRONG with my relationship, not RIGHT with some new guy. I ended up leaving my marriage, but only after communicating and going to my ex husband to fix our many problems. I was emotionally neglected and quite easy pickings for some predator looking for low hanging fruit. Which brings us to the other guy. Not a good guy. He knows you have a boyfriend. He should be backing off big time. But he's not. Tells you a lot about his character, or lack there of. Do whatever you want, it's your choice. I would say don't feed this attraction. Don't talk to him about deep things. Keep it superficial. You won't get emotionally attached if you do that. Don't go out with him to bars. Evaluate your relationship with your boyfriend on its own merits and decide whether or not to stay or leave. Consider your role, and become single before you date. Nothing wrong with that. I suspect Mr. Perfect at work won't look so good when you are single and dating him, wondering about his trustworthiness in a relationship. As the Pearl Jam song goes, "If you hate something, don't do it yourself." Act in a way that makes you feel like a good person. Edited May 4, 2012 by blueskyday 2
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