Emilyevans Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 (edited) I have been with my boyfriend for almost five years. We just moved in together. I was always one of those people that never understood how someone could cheat if they were really in love because I do love my boyfriend so much and never pictured myself betraying him. There is this man at work, that I developed a small crush on. I didn't think it was serious, I found him very funny and seemed like a genuinely nice guy. We got along well, we are in the same department and sit across from each other and often had to work on the same things, so communication between us was unavoidable. We had hung out in groups outside of work a few times and everything was fine. One night, we went out before meeting some other work people and we had a really great talk and that is when I really fell for him. Nothing happened, but I was scared of my feelings for him, as I had never had this serious of a crush since I started dating my bf. Then, three weeks ago, a girl at work had her birthday day at a club and we all went to. This man and I decided we were going to bar hop and then go to the club instead of going home before the party, since we both lived a bit far from work. We bar hopped, went to his friend's place and we confessed our feelings for each other, and we kissed. I eventually pushed him away and broke down into hysterical tears that I had never cheated before. He was super nice about it, calmed me down and talked me through it and the rest of the evening was fine. We went to the party, someone people at work asked us on monday if something was going on between us. We told people that his old flame was there and he was trying to make her jealous. They seemed to buy it, but who knows. Monday morning, I pulled him aside, just to tell him that I don't want things to be weird and most importantly that it can't happen again and that no one can know, to avoid office drama. He agreed and everything went smoothly. I thought we could be friends and still hang out as long as we weren't alone in someone's apartment, so I accepted when he asked to go out for drinks after work. Well we ended up making out at the bar, and then I left shortly afterwards. Now, I don't know what to do. I know I have to stop with this other man, but I feel like its not as easy as it sounds. I work with him, I care about him, I don't want things to be awkward and cutting off all contact just isn't an option. I know a few people at work are suspicious and will definitely think something is up if we go from being super close to nothing at all. What do I do? My boyfriend knows nothing of us and I do not plan to tell him. I do not want him to be worried every time I go to work. I feel guilty over this and I'm torn and I can't stop thinking about the other man. Edited May 3, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
TakeMeasIam Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Well, you either really want something to happen, which is why you are worried - or you don't - in which case, you wouldn't be worried at all. If you really had the respect for your BF that he deserves, you would confess, and try to find another job. But i think secretly, there is a frisson, an excitement. You know something will happen - because otherwise, you would not even be asking. you would have the courage of your own convictions to know that this is easy to resist, and it would not be an issue. Well, if you choose to betray your BF and disrespect him to this extent, that's your choice. It honestly is. We cannot be your willpower for you.
Leigh 87 Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 You have to think about your boyfriend, because that is what a healthy, loving relatinship is about; you think about your PARTNERS feelings, and do not give yourself short term gratification and and cheap thrill, and instead you restrain yourself because your partners feelings are more important than your " fun, new thing" u have with this guy.... You were very weak. You put your own lust and your need for a new thrill with a man ( which, after 5 years, is understandable to WANT and FANTASIZE about).....you put YOUR needs before your boyfriend. Now, if you and your boyfriend are REALLY, really , very much in love, and he really loves u and is incredibly close.... You have have no further contact with this guy. NONE. Put yourself in your bf's shoes - your boyfriend accidently kissed a girl he had a crush on. TWICE. Would YOU be comfortable with HIM staying in contact? Jesus, what is more important? Your bfs feelings, or this other guy?
Pierre Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 (edited) I have been with my boyfriend for almost five years. We just moved in together. I was always one of those people that never understood how someone could cheat if they were really in love because I do love my boyfriend so much and never pictured myself betraying him. There is this man at work, that I developed a small crush on. I didn't think it was serious, I found him very funny and seemed like a genuinely nice guy. We got along well, we are in the same department and sit across from each other and often had to work on the same things, so communication between us was unavoidable. We had hung out in groups outside of work a few times and everything was fine. One night, we went out before meeting some other work people and we had a really great talk and that is when I really fell for him. Nothing happened, but I was scared of my feelings for him, as I had never had this serious of a crush since I started dating my bf. Then, three weeks ago, a girl at work had her birthday day at a club and we all went to. This man and I decided we were going to bar hop and then go to the club instead of going home before the party, since we both lived a bit far from work. (side note: I just moved and he will be moving in 2 months, then we will be 2 blocks apart) We bar hopped, went to his friend's place and we confessed our feelings for each other, and we kissed. I eventually pushed him away and broke down into hysterical tears that I had never cheated before. He was super nice about it, calmed me down and talked me through it and the rest of the evening was fine. We went to the party, someone people at work asked us on monday if something was going on between us. We told people that his old flame was there and he was trying to make her jealous. They seemed to buy it, but who knows. Monday morning, I pulled him aside, just to tell him that I don't want things to be weird and most importantly that it can't happen again and that no one can know, to avoid office drama. He agreed and everything went smoothly. I thought we could be friends and still hang out as long as we weren't alone in someone's apartment, so I accepted when he asked to go out for drinks after work. Well we ended up making out at the bar, and then I left shortly afterwards. Now, I don't know what to do. I know I have to stop with this other man, but I feel like its not as easy as it sounds. I work with him, I care about him, I don't want things to be awkward and cutting off all contact just isn't an option. I know a few people at work are suspicious and will definitely think something is up if we go from being super close to nothing at all. What do I do? My boyfriend knows nothing of us and I do not plan to tell him. I do not want him to be worried every time I go to work. I feel guilty over this and I'm torn and I can't stop thinking about the other man. This is a classic affair scenario. The workplace is fertile grounds for affairs because it puts folks of the opposite sex in closed situations and before you know an attraction develops. The constant familiarity leads to a bit of flirtation and romantic feelings. Furthermore, affair attraction tends to be more intense because it has a forbidden component and hurdles like that always create more tension and buildup in the romance game In addition, the situation is free from the typical crap of dating in the open market. There are no preconceived dates to screen the other person and there is often a period of intimate friendship and emotional connection without any preconceived expectations. The typical scenario is someone in a long term relationship that craves the high of new romance or someone that has a partner at home that fails to meet their emotional needs. The romantic dance of the affair is intense because the folks involved in the affair tend to initially resist the temptation to have sex. This resistance to sex creates an intense courtship where the affair partners dare to cross the line. At some point the build up of sexual tension is very high and SEX happens in very romantic erotic manner. The sex may feel very intense because of the secrecy. At this point the affair partners belong to an exclusive secret club with only two members. The issue of soul mates often comes up at this time. Weak folks generally cannot backpedal out of this scenario. The only thing OP can do is to quit her job and come clean to her BF. However, 99% of affair folks do not do this and continue to play the sensual game at work because it feels real good and because they believe they will keep things under control. This can only be done for some time. Once sex happens the affair partners blessed each other and admit it was inevitable and out of their hands. Some call this sort of thing an act of God. And then the OP will come home one night and go to bed with her BF after having sex with her lover at work. If she is a cool customer she will act normal. Edited May 3, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 3
wwwjd Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 (edited) There is this man at work...... That's where I stopped reading. Why do people shoot THEMSELVES in the feet and then scratch their head wondering why it hurts and where the bullets came from?? Edited May 3, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
dasein Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 I know it's going to be near supernaturally tough, but consider taking just a shred of accountability into your life and not conducting yourself wholly via impulse in the moment. 1
Pierre Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 That's where I stopped reading. Why do people shoot THEMSELVES in the feet and then scratch their head wondering why it hurts and where the bullets came from?? The OP has no idea about the pain and hurt that awaits her. At the end affairs can be quite painful.
2sunny Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Stop going to bars and spend time at HOME with your boyfriend. Quit that job tomorrow! And If you don't intend to do both of the above = end it with your boyfriend.
Imajerk17 Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 (edited) You don't sound like a very good girlfriend. Gotta be blunt here. You put yourself into temptation's way twice. Not once but twice. What kind of woman goes out with another guy to a club when she has a boyfriend waiting home for her? Now you are saying that you "care about" the other guy. Time to end it with your current boyfriend. Or at least tell him. He is going to find out one way or another. Edited May 3, 2012 by Imajerk17
kaylan Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 If you love your bf then youll be completely honest with him. If you cannot do that then it means you only love yourself and only have your own interest in mind. If you cannot be totally truthful with him about this, then leave him and allow him to find someone who can. Good luck. Next time dont purposefully put yourself in bad situations. You knew what you were doing. 2
Imajerk17 Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 (edited) It's already over between Emily and her boyfriend, kaylan. Her coworkers know. They are snickering and talking about Emily behind her back. If her boyfriend appears for any of Emily's work functions, they will be pitying the fool. If someone really feels strongly against what Emily has done in betraying her boyfriend, they might speak up. If she happened to work with anyone who can be a jerk like I can be, her boyfriend will hear about it next time he comes in. Emily, this affair didn't "just happen". You made the CHOICES for it to happen--from going to the bar alone with the guy to bar-hopping with him, to going to the bar with him AGAIN. You knew what you were doing all along. Don't kid yourself here. Time for you to face the music like a big girl and tell your boyfriend. He's going to find out one way or another... Edited May 3, 2012 by Imajerk17 2
Professor X Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 I thought we could be friends Bullsh*t. You come to this forum, anonymous, so at least don't lie to us. You knew very well that you want him, that you wanna be his "friend" cause you're after his piece of meat. You want him and not as a friend. Your RS with your BF is over, no matter if you tell him or not, so you might as well and show some humanity and end it with him gracefully, spare him the reason that you cheated, but end it with him nonetheless. He deserves a better person than you. I do not want him to be worried every time I go to work. How nice of you, so thoughtful! Maybe, I dunno, but maybe you could simply not make-out with another dude to ease his "worry-ness". Sounds crazy, I know. 1
FitChick Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 You have to give up your boyfriend or your job. Otherwise, you might wind up losing both. This probably happened because your relationship with the BF peaked before you moved in together so it was on the downhill slide. Why did you wait five years?
FrustratedStandards Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 I'm sorry to hear about your situation. My advice might not be something you want to hear, but given that you were able to cheat on a boyfriend of 5 years with this man, I would say that you want this man more than you want to continue your relationship. I don't know how involved you are in this relationship, whether you live together or not, but my advice would be to break it off with this boyfriend. You are going to feel guilty, and it's not going to be easy because you become very attached to someone after 5 years, but if you are already developing strong feelings for another man who isn't your boyfriend, your relationship can only get worse, and it will. You will feel guilt, you will feel regret, and worst of all if your boyfriend finds out, you will break his heart. I would be honest with him and tell him that I am developing strong feelings for another man. If you don't want to go that far, than you can still be honest with him by telling him you don't feel the same about him, and you find yourself attracted to other men. I'm sorry about your situation, and I don't think you should have kissed the guy, but since you did, it just shows how much you like him/don't care for your relationship. That doesn't make you a bad person, but actions speak louder than words. 2
FrustratedStandards Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 You have to think about your boyfriend, because that is what a healthy, loving relatinship is about; you think about your PARTNERS feelings, and do not give yourself short term gratification and and cheap thrill, and instead you restrain yourself because your partners feelings are more important than your " fun, new thing" u have with this guy.... You were very weak. You put your own lust and your need for a new thrill with a man ( which, after 5 years, is understandable to WANT and FANTASIZE about).....you put YOUR needs before your boyfriend. Now, if you and your boyfriend are REALLY, really , very much in love, and he really loves u and is incredibly close.... You have have no further contact with this guy. NONE. Put yourself in your bf's shoes - your boyfriend accidently kissed a girl he had a crush on. TWICE. Would YOU be comfortable with HIM staying in contact? Jesus, what is more important? Your bfs feelings, or this other guy? Don't listen to any of this advice. You need to decide what YOU want, what makes YOU happy and what makes YOU the better person. Don't make your decision based on making other people happy. Trust me, i've done this and you will only end up hurting yourself and the other person.
manup Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Don't listen to any of this advice. You need to decide what YOU want, what makes YOU happy and what makes YOU the better person. Don't make your decision based on making other people happy. Trust me, i've done this and you will only end up hurting yourself and the other person. yeah be selfish, remember life is all about you, you're boyfriend is a meaningless side thought 1
FrustratedStandards Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 yeah be selfish, remember life is all about you, you're boyfriend is a meaningless side thought Would you want to be with a woman who is only with you because of guilt? Or because she feels bad? And she cheats on you?
amantis Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Life is about making decisions , and all the decisions you made were wrong , and now you come here in hope that someone tells you that is normal to have feelings for other guy when you are dating . Its normal to be atracted to other guys/girls , but have feelings ? you only have feelings if you give the opportunity to create them tell your boyfriend what happened and if he is smart he break up with you and move on . You are going to feel so guilty everytime you see your boyfriend , everytime you touch him , and speak with him , and your boyfriend is going to start to think that he is doing something wrong without even knowing that you wanted to fk other guy Good luck 3
firehawk_1 Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 this is typical women behavior and then you wonder "oh, why arent there nice guys?". you made the situation. you are wanting attention and you got attention. you put a bad name on relationships and the men who suffer.... so really, break it off and be with the crush. after all, you are not emotionally mature or stable or have self control to be with one man and be commited to him!
Pierre Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 You are going to feel guilty, and it's not going to be easy because you become very attached to someone after 5 years, but if you are already developing strong feelings for another man who isn't your boyfriend, your relationship can only get worse, and it will. You will feel guilt, you will feel regret, and worst of all if your boyfriend finds out, you will break his heart. I would be honest with him and tell him that I am developing strong feelings for another man. If you don't want to go that far, than you can still be honest with him by telling him you don't feel the same about him, and you find yourself attracted to other men. I'm sorry about your situation, and I don't think you should have kissed the guy, but since you did, it just shows how much you like him/don't care for your relationship. That doesn't make you a bad person, but actions speak louder than words. You fail to understand the dynamic of an affair for the purpose of cake eating. The OP stated she does not plan to tell or dump the long term BF. It is obvious she simply wants to eat cake by having two guys satisfy whatever needs she has. This has nothing to do with loving or not loving her current BF. This is all about the selfishness of OP and losing the inability to think in a straight manner. She has started the affair with the idea that she can handle the whole thing and somehow she will be OK. She has also become addicted to the extracurricular attention at work. It is not easy to give up an addiction. As someone else said: Folks that are in long term relationships encounter attractive people on a daily basis and do not act on those feelings of attraction. However, some cross the line on a voluntary basis and then become addicted to the affair. Many of these folks are very good at deception. A person that is not good at deception cannot have an affair. 4
Pierre Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 What do I do? My boyfriend knows nothing of us and I do not plan to tell him. I do not want him to be worried every time I go to work. I feel guilty over this and I'm torn and I can't stop thinking about the other man. This is typical. The affair addiction is strong and the feelings become an obsession. At the same time this is not your typical "I am breaking up with my BF and I want to pursue another relationship". The intention of OP is to keep her BF in the dark while she eats cake. One also needs to analyze the character of the "other man" at work who knows this woman is taken. He is probably as selfish as OP. 2
Emilia Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 This is a classic affair scenario. The workplace is fertile grounds for affairs because it puts folks of the opposite sex in closed situations and before you know an attraction develops. The constant familiarity leads to a bit of flirtation and romantic feelings. Furthermore, affair attraction tends to be more intense because it has a forbidden component and hurdles like that always create more tension and buildup in the romance game In addition, the situation is free from the typical crap of dating in the open market. There are no preconceived dates to screen the other person and there is often a period of intimate friendship and emotional connection without any preconceived expectations. The typical scenario is someone in a long term relationship that craves the high of new romance or someone that has a partner at home that fails to meet their emotional needs. The romantic dance of the affair is intense because the folks involved in the affair tend to initially resist the temptation to have sex. This resistance to sex creates an intense courtship where the affair partners dare to cross the line. At some point the build up of sexual tension is very high and SEX happens in very romantic erotic manner. The sex may feel very intense because of the secrecy. At this point the affair partners belong to an exclusive secret club with only two members. The issue of soul mates often comes up at this time. Weak folks generally cannot backpedal out of this scenario. The only thing OP can do is to quit her job and come clean to her BF. However, 99% of affair folks do not do this and continue to play the sensual game at work because it feels real good and because they believe they will keep things under control. This can only be done for some time. Once sex happens the affair partners blessed each other and admit it was inevitable and out of their hands. Some call this sort of thing an act of God. And then the OP will come home one night and go to bed with her BF after having sex with her lover at work. If she is a cool customer she will act normal. Very eloquently explained as usual. Spot on.
kaylan Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 This is typical. The affair addiction is strong and the feelings become an obsession. At the same time this is not your typical "I am breaking up with my BF and I want to pursue another relationship". The intention of OP is to keep her BF in the dark while she eats cake. One also needs to analyze the character of the "other man" at work who knows this woman is taken. He is probably as selfish as OP. Which is why I refuse to date women who have dicey pasts filled with them cheating or helping someone else cheat by selfishly being the other woman. Hopefully OP stops only thinking about herself here. Why ruin your home life and potentially your work life over some dude at work? 2
manup Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Would you want to be with a woman who is only with you because of guilt? Or because she feels bad? And she cheats on you? no but I think you worded your post poorly, she hasn't learned to stop being a selfish turd and you're encouraging that behavior in her
veggirl Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 If you are really hellbent on not telling your BF (really not cool OP), then you need to start looking for another job and remove yourself from this situation and temptation. The only thing is, you've already shown you are capable of cheating, even if you get another job, there will be other men you are working with etc. So what then? Why you would go out and get drunk with a male coworker you are attracted to is beyond me. Did your BF know you were doing that?
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