angelfire138 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Hi there guys, So let me just start with the facts...boyfriend and I have been together 11 months now, and so far, everything has gone relatively smoothly with a few bumps that we've always managed to work out. He has been working in the same job for over 10 years now, and works with mostly women (he's in the healthcare field). None of that bothers me, but there is one coworker of his that makes me a little uneasy. For the record, I do trust him and don't think he is cheating, and I don't even think for a second that there's anything going on with even his ex-wife (he is a single dad). I had even trusted my ex-boyfriend to study with girls until 3AM back when I was dating him and give girls an hour-long ride back home after midnight (we broke up for different reasons). But there is just something about this co-worker of my boyfriend's that rubs me the wrong way. Just a little history. I used to work with them both, so I have an idea of what she is like. She tended to hang all over him, even though he didn't reciprocate (though he remained friendly) and she used to get a ride home with him and his sister (who also works with them). But last year, she got put into a different shift so she goes to work on her own now. When I was there, she had an issue with me, insulting me in front of my supervisor once (who she is friends with) and once more to my boyfriend shortly after we started dating, though he defended me and told her to leave me alone. As far as I know, she's never liked me even though I had always tried to be nice to her and got along with most everyone there. I also know she has a tendency to grow very close to her male coworkers. My boyfriend is generally a nice, friendly guy (who has trouble saying no, and he did admit that several times), so I thought nothing of his relationship with his co-workers, male or female. His coworker, on the other hand, is very loud and aggressive (toward men, from what I've seen and heard from numerous people). Sometimes, she will text him at random hours outside of work, and sometimes he'll reply, sometimes not, but when he does reply, they usually text back and forth anywhere between 10-30 minutes. I let it go for a long time because I have male friends who I text every now and then and have conversations with as well (though rarely for that long). She is married with a new baby, and my male friend (who interned with them a year before I worked for them) had said that she hit on him several times, as well as another male student who was there, even though she was married, and pregnant at the time. He never sees her alone outside work, or even for lunch, and he does have lunch with a group of coworkers, which she is one of them. My boyfriend also only goes out with coworkers for work functions, which are rare where he works, and when he does, it's always with a group of other coworkers, again, of which she is part of. Anyway, it didn't bother me for awhile because she stopped texting him so often (she used to text him like every other day). But it was something that his sister said to me, maybe slipped, that got me wondering. I needed to get a ride somewhere, so my boyfriend offered to let me and his sister borrow his car and get a ride back with that co-worker. I said no, and his sister just let out a loud laugh. Later on, it was just myself and his sister, and I made a comment about "yeah, like I'd let him get a ride back with her", and his sister said "Yeah you said the right thing. You don't want her getting her claws on him again." I tried to press her for a little more detail, and she just said that "I don't know what's up with her, she's married with a baby and doesn't act like it." Then she said something about when she talked to him once, she said "I told him (my boyfriend), she has a husband and a baby, what are you doing...?" I didn't catch the rest of what she said. His sister seemed hesitant to talk more about it, and I didn't want to press her further, so I left it at that. I do trust my boyfriend, and he's never done anything to make me worry, but his coworker...I don't know about, especially after what his sister said. Should I be worried? If so, how should I talk to him about it? I don't want to get his sister in trouble. Thanks...if you guys need anymore info, feel free to ask and I'll do my best to answer.
veggirl Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Sounds like his sister knows something you don't. If you don't want to get her in "trouble" (even if you find something out because of her, it's his fault not hers), then you need to approach her and ask her to clarify what she was saying or that you are going to ask her brother.
enigmatic Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 If that were me, the curiosity would win over and I would just be like, "Ok so something has been on my mind...what do you know about them that I don't?" That seems like the easiest way to find out other than asking him directly. That aside, it seems like your guy is trustworthy but he needs to be more firm in getting other women to back off when they try to sniff around him. You said yourself he has a problem saying no, and lots of women will pick up on that quickly and use it to get what they want. I don't understand how he can still text her at all after there has been a history of issues involving her. Clearly she's promiscuous and provides as nothing but trouble. I think if your guy had more sense, he would avoid contact with her outside of work completely.
Author angelfire138 Posted May 3, 2012 Author Posted May 3, 2012 (edited) Thanks for the replies, guys. I didn't get to talk to his sister anymore after that, but I did talk to my boyfriend, as the curiosity was killing me. So I sat down and asked him to be honest with me and tell me if anything had happened between them at some point. He's always been very candid with me about his past, and I promised that I wouldn't judge him for anything that had happened before he met me. He said that ever since he had known her, she had been in a relationship, and even still, she flirted with him. As he was newly divorced and single at the time, he said he flirted back, but there was nothing more to it. She eventually married the guy that she was dating when she first began working with him. He told me about all the women he dated in between his divorce and meeting me, and she wasn't one of them. They had been working together 4 years, and unfortunately she is his co-supervisor, so they do need to keep in touch occasionally outside of work regarding the people who work under them, the interns, and to keep on top of things if one of them is going to be out sick or on vacation. I wasn't about to ask him to leave his job because of her, so he asked me what I thought he should do, since I said it made me uncomfortable. I asked him to severely limit his contact with her outside of work to ONLY work-related texts & calls, which should be short and sweet, out of respect for me. He agreed right away and said he understood, and said that if he needed to contact her regarding work, he would, and promised he would ignore any texts from her that were not work-related from now on. He has always kept his word in the past, so I know I can trust him to respect my feelings on this. I also told him that if he ever had an issue with a male friend/future coworker, that he could talk to me and I would respect his wishes. There used to be one other male co-worker who used to work with her and my boyfriend, and I had heard she consistently acted flirtatious and touchy-feely around him as well. He left about a year or so ago, and a new guy is taking his place, one she really likes apparently, so maybe she'll go bother him instead now. As far as the reason why he's still texting her...well, if I had to venture a guess, I asked him about it and he said he was just being friendly since she was asking him about his weekend, what he was doing, etc, and he responded as he would respond to anyone asking him those questions. When she did text him he would often tell me and make a mention as to what she was saying to him. Since I first began dating him, though, the frequency of his contact with her outside of work has dropped drastically, as I have had issues with her in the past. I agree, he is a very friendly guy and is a people person, and even his family has told him that he is too nice sometimes and needs to put his foot down sometimes, and I assume (and am afraid of) other people taking advantage of him for that... Edited May 3, 2012 by angelfire138
Author angelfire138 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Just wanted to thank everyone again for their responses. Things seem to be better now...he very rarely talks to her outside of work and I see her now posting stuff to and about their new coworker on Facebook. I use his phone sometimes and while I used to see constant texts from her, now I see none. Now, the issue remains that his coworkers, every once in awhile, will set up "fun" events in which it's "coworkers only". Like a new hire will offer to take my boyfriend out to dinner as a thank you, or clients / patients will offer to take him out to a dinner / show, or whatever. Usually, since she is his co-supervisor, this female coworker is often invited out alongside them and my boyfriend as well, and she almost always accepts, without her husband. Just recently I found out there was a wedding in which he is thinking about attending, for a coworker. This female coworker was also invited, along with 5 others, both male and female, including his boss and his sister. Again, nobody is bringing their SOs, and he said it was at the bride-to-be's request because she didn't have room. Although he did say that his boss' wife was invited, because his boss didn't want to go without her, and his coworker wanted him to be there. He doesn't know this coworker very well, the one who's getting married. When I made a mention about whether his coworker even wanted to bring her husband to the wedding, my boyfriend just said "even if he was invited, there's no way she'd bring him anyway". Am I unjustified in not feeling quite right about all this? I think that if the female coworker wasn't going (or even if she was bringing her husband), I'd feel better about him going to the wedding, even without me. I know that my boyfriend said yes to the invitation in part because again, he has difficulty saying no, and she had asked everyone that he has lunch with because she is close with them. Even he thinks she just extended the invite as a courtesy. Also, this wedding happens to fall on the last day of my final internship (the one just before I officially graduate), so I was hoping I would be able to celebrate that with him. Or am I out of line for not wanting him to go to coworker only "fun" events if she's going to be there? To be clear, I don't mind him attending after-work events if it's a company thing...ie the company Christmas party (which they have at a restaurant, so it's employees only), or say, goodbye dinners to an employee who's leaving, since the whole office is invited. Thanks again for your input on this.
Ca8518 Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 I am so sorry you are going through this. Below is a post I made about my now ex an his female co-worker. Truly the most heartbreaking thing I have ever been through. His wasn't married but had a boyfriend most of the time she was contacting mine. Funny how thy both ended up single at the same time! I was with my ex boyfriend for a year and a half. We broke up 8 months ago. We were late twenties, early thirties when we started dating. When we met things moved fast and we had an immediate connection. A few months into the relationship he brought up marriage and we discussed all the time getting married, picking out a house, starting a family. He said it was like I was made for him, that I was his best friend and the only person he could ever tell anything to. We did everything together. Before we were set up by mutual friends, he was "seeing" a girl from work for drinks once and awhile. He said to me that nothing ever happened with her and that she was only interested in him when she had nothing better to do. Our friends flat out asked him if he was involved with her before setting us up. He said definitely not and we met and right away were inseparable. Nearly 5 months later, I find out that this girl started texting and calling him constantly over the period of a few weeks. He said that he had been trying to get her to stop and that he told her he was in love with me and that he told me everything and she needed to stop. Her emails said stuff about how strong her feelings were for him. He promised me up and down that he would cut all contact with her and made it seem like she was crazy. I was heartbroken that he would keep this from me but I stayed with him because I believed he truly loved me. For the rest of our relationship she would pop up with texts messages at inappropriate times, trying to be where he was, and I couldn't take it. He told me he never responded and that he ignored her all the time. That I needed to trust I was the love of his life. Fast forward to our breakup. It came out of nowhere. We had picked out a house with the purpose of starting our family. He bought it but we went through the whole process together. We began living together and one day I came home and he said he had been lying to himself and to me, that he wasn't in love with me and probably never was. To make a long story short, we ended up back together after a week long breakup for 3 months. I lived with a constant fear of not knowing what I was coming home to and he did not treat me well. The day we broke up for good, I checked our phone bill and saw that this girl had already been texting him and he responded. I sent him an email calling him out on her impact on our relationship and he came over and swore up and down that he never cheated on me and was not interested in her at all. Even as a friend. I found out last night that they have been together as an official couple since 4 months after our breakup. I had been holding on hope that he was suffering like I was, and that he missed me. That I meant something to him. I could not come to terms that our relationship and everything we went through was a lie. Nope! Not at all. I feel so sick every time I think of him and her together. And the depth of the hurt from him being with her after what he put me through by keeping me hanging on, swearing his love for me and that she was nothing. How do you live with this pain and hurt? How do you let go of the images of them together and picturing her in the house we picked out, lived in, and made a home for OUR life together? The pain is crippling and I can barely function. How does someone do this to someone that loved them unconditionally? I broke 6 months of NC and texted him after I found out because I lost control. I had a panic attack. He wrote back saying generic bullsh*t about being sorry I am feeling this way. No emotion, no responsibility. He said understands how difficult it is for me to see them together. No - he has no idea.
CarboniteCammy Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 to be honest, that could just be the work dynamic. it kind of sounds like that woman has moved on to someone else. btw- she sounds totally creepy. yuck. i feel bad for her husband. i feel like maybe you're at your limit with putting up with her brand of bull crap and when you found out about the wedding, maybe it was like, "omg not this again. I thought we were done with this!!!" i was in a situation with my ex where he kept in contact with an old girlfriend and the old girlfriend had feelings for him and i'm pretty sure that he had feelings for her. there was a lack of transparency in his relationship with her that made me constantly wonder what he was hiding and what their intentions truly were. finally, after discovering a few things the hard way (no, he wasn't cheating in the physical sense) i told him that he had to totally cut her out of his life, or i was out. at that point, we'd only been going out a few months, and while i *really* liked him, i am at the age where I am past the point where i deal will with someone who deliberately makes me insecure. realizing that i was on my way out (i had really pulled away, had started looking for a new place to live, was spending alot of time with friends and family) he figured out the problem and cut contact with the x girlfriend completely and totally. He broke down and showed me every text they'd ever shared, all the emails, and even played back every voice mail she'd left him while we were together. when I felt like I had a handle on the situation, i took a week and decided that i did really love him and that since the situation hadn't risen to misconduct, that I would give him one last chance. you may not have to go to that length with your boyfriend, and I didn't mean to over share. my point is that perhaps if you have more transparency in your relationship that you'd feel better about what's going on.
Author angelfire138 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 Yeah, I agree she is kind of creepy, and I do feel bad for her husband as well :x I assume she's pretty bad if his own sister dislikes her (and she likes everyone), and my guy friend spoke badly of her. Funny enough, it was my friend who sniped that this coworker didn't like me because my boyfriend was interested in me (at the time). When I speak about her to my boyfriend, he doesn't really have favorable things to say about her, just that he talks to her because they have to work together. But yeah, the wedding...I talked to my boyfriend and he said that half the department was invited, including his sister and his boss. He said everyone already RSVPed and I guess he didn't want to be the only one not there, since we didn't have any plans anyway. She actually wanted him to go to the coworker's bridal shower, which he declined because he had plans with me and his family that day, though he said he didn't want to go anyway. Anyway, he said he would come home to me afterward and we'd spend the rest of the weekend together. And he said he wasn't really interested in socializing with her all that much at the wedding, since there would be 8 other coworkers there. I know I can't do anything about it really since they work together, and it wasn't him who made her his co-supervisor, but his boss. So far he's been very accommodating with lessening my suspicions. I do look at his phone every now and then, or I'll peek over when someone texts him, and it's never her. He's very transparent with me, he leaves his phone laying around, lets me use it, asks me to reply to texts for him at times, and I have his passwords to his email, facebook and computer (as he does with mine). Ca8518, I'm sorry to hear about your experience. Good thing you dumped him...it was better you found that out now about him, rather than alter. CarboniteCammy, at least your boyfriend is willing to go full transparency now! How is everything with you guys now?
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