Do any of you women like unconfident and insecure guys?

[mixwell]

Not everyone likes to use words the way they're supposed to be used. Which is why I asked. I can't take dictionary definitions as a given.

 

Why can't you take dictionary definitions as a given ? That's why we have a dictionary, to DEFINE what a words mean....I do hope you see the irony on trying to ehh define a word but not using a dictionary for its definition.. That's a complete oxymoron..

[somedude81]

What do you mean HOW ? If you feel insecure, just act and present yourself like you are the ish. If you feel insecure don't show it but instead act totally comfortable and secure..

 

I don't understand how you would ask a basic question ? How do actors FAKE being sad, happy, mad when they're playing a certain role ? You ACT.. ACT confident, maybe saying fake was the wrong trigger word and I should have said ACT.. Same thing..

Happy, sad, mad, those are all emotions, and each one has easily identifiable actions. But the same doesn't apply to confidence.

 

It's almost like a game of kids are making animal sounds, somebody says, "Do a dog" and another kid barks. "Do a cow" and another kid moos. "Do a giraffe"..... o.O

You once admitted you have no idea how to read women's body language. It would not be a surprise if you didn't know how to read your very own, either.

I've read a lot on body language and have been working to correct my own. I'm pretty sure I'm not broadcasting any "insecure signals."

 

 

IIRC, in a post you once even admitted you don't have a clue of what you're doing.

I don't know what posts you are talking about. What context?

 

Obviously, you're not doing something right as you haven't experienced a successful relationship yet.

I'm also not 6' tall.

 

Frankly, based on recent threads on the forum, I don't have a clue what I'm doing wrong.

 

Read this again. You tried to remain respectful, YET you openly admit you DEFINITELY pushed her comfort limits. Doesn't sound real respectful to me.

She had limits where other girls wouldn't. For example, any other girl would let me hug her. Me going for a hug was not a disrespectful action, yet she was uncomfortable with it. And of course I did not keep trying with an action when I learned she was uncomfortable with it.

 

And you don't understand why she stopped wanting to be friends?

 

Simply put, she no longer felt safe or comfortable around you.

Hardly. It's much more complicated then that, but I don't want to think of her this late at night. I got enough issues falling asleep as it is.

Okay I'm not saying I'm some player or whatever but just by you admitting that you lack confidence and are insecure could be huge. You may THINK you females don't know but chicks are VERY freaking keen on body language and they can usually sense your persona so if for one second you show that weakness it's over Johnny.. You might think you're playing it cool but women pick on the little things and my guess is they read right through your BS front and saw you for being insecure.. I don't know because I haven't went out to a bar or club with you but dude chicks can read that ish like a mo fo. haha

That's something different then.

 

That actually sounds like why it's a bad idea to try and fake confidence. She's going to see right through the BS. If the guy knew how to fake being confident in the first place.

 

I am not attracted to men who are insecure and lack confidence insofar as relationships and feelings of self-worth are concerned.

Are you able to tell when man lacks confidence and is insecure?

 

How? What does it look like?

[fortyninethousand322]

Why does it make sense that women would be interested in doing most of the escalation themselves? I'm genuinely curious why you think this.

 

I went on a few dates with a guy like this (had to do all the escalation) and I felt like I was emasculating him. It wasn't fun.

 

They wouldn't have to worry about guys being pushy or pressuring them into sex or trying to get in their pants and then bolt or whatever. They'd just be more in control.

 

Maybe part of it is wishful thinking I guess considering I don't know much about escalation and I'm not really going to learn.

[GravityMan]

Don't try to fake confidence. Many people are perceptive enough to quickly see through that facade.

 

Unconfident, insecure people (i.e. they don't value themselves) might not be outright disliked or hated by most people, unless the degree of insecurity or un-confidence is high enough that the person is toxic to others. However, these folks are very unattractive to the overwhelming majority of potential dating prospects. They are not viewed favorably in many other aspects of life...for instance I probably wouldn't hire such a person. You will not reach your full potential in life, romantically or otherwise, unless you overcome these debilitating characteristics. The longer you wait, the harder it is to overcome, because people gradually become more dead-set in their ways as they age.

[Radu]

First of all, directly faking body language to show confidence is stupid. It's stupid because not even great politicians are capable of doing this. And you think you can do it ? There is a way to fake it though. First of all, realise what the signals that you send are and try to stop them, just becoming aware is enough. Slowly you will see that your confidence will boost. 1yr ago i was incapable of holding the eyes of any person. I got better and i forced myself to see their eyes, i realised soon i must have looked like a psycho. LOL I eventually started concentrating on the gap between eyes as my focus point and with every little succes i gained confidence that validated my efforts. I was walking as if i was apologizing for my size [i'm somewhat big ... a bit over 6 feet and 220 pounds. I constantly made way for others as i was walking down the street rotating my body so that my shoulder faced them ... it was obvious i was afraid of confrontation. As i got better i started seeing the same things in others, and i realized how i must have looked to them myself. I then started experimenting with NLP and anchoring [quite recently] and i tried to anchor some happy feelings. A bit hard for an introvert that got used to life kicking the **** out of for 20 yrs. I did find some happy memories and i anchored those. I'm nowhere near to what i want to become, but it's a good start. Bottom line, you have to change your internal state and let your body follow with it's body language ... that's what the great liers do [actors and lawyers].

[ohmygoshistalk]

its fine if he snaps out of it and he tries to snap out of it.

 

back then there was this handsome guy to be honest i thought to myself he is way out of my league. he was really nice to me in a non exploitative way (aka he wasnt into me for sex only). he had a nice innocent way about him. but he was always jealous. he didnt have any reason to be jealous but when i am quiet he assumes stuff. he told me his ex used to be jealous a lot and it rubbed off on him. at least hes aware of what hes doing and stuff.

 

u know its only good if he recovers and snaps out of it but it cant go on and on, its emotionally exhausting.

 

one lesson to learn for me too. but i am only jealous if i have a reason to be..

[mixwell]

Happy, sad, mad, those are all emotions, and each one has easily identifiable actions. But the same doesn't apply to confidence.

 

It's almost like a game of kids are making animal sounds, somebody says, "Do a dog" and another kid barks. "Do a cow" and another kid moos. "Do a giraffe"..... o.O

 

 

 

That actually sounds like why it's a bad idea to try and fake confidence. She's going to see right through the BS. If the guy knew how to fake being confident in the first place.

 

 

Are you able to tell when man lacks confidence and is insecure?

 

 

Okay since you want to nit pick words then here.. Don't fake it or act it.. Just Fking be confident.. Find traits that you excel in and be confident in those and let those build up your self esteem. YES females can tell when a man lacks confidence and acts insecure. It's all in the way you represent your self and how you carry yourself as a person. If you look gloomy and unsure of yourself ANYONE can see that from a mile away instead of seeing someone walking with pep in their step and looking happy and secure. It's all body language and how you carry yourself. No one wants to approach or be approached by someone who looks insecure and lonely.. Stop trying to over complicate emotional expressions in public to justify things. Either you appear happy and upbeat which people like to see or you appear closed off and uninteresting.. It's quite simple actually.

[mixwell]

What a gr8 thread. I'm glad somebody else started it because I was just getting ready to. I hear people saying all the time that what women really want and find attractive is confidence and they hate insecurity.

 

Some people have already asked this, but what is confidence in a dating sense (not the dictionary definition of it? I've read some of you say it's just when a man is really secure, willing to trust, not hesitant to talk to women, or afraid of rejection, and not expecting the woman to make the first move.

 

But let's be human for a second. Don't we all feel a little insecure sometimes? Isn't it understandable not to be trusting? After all better safe than sorry. Better to not trust and protect ya neck, rather than trust and get burned. In fact it's obviously naive and gullible to trust everyone and everything. Isn't it understandable to be hesitant to flirt or make a move and be afraid o rejection. After all a lot of guys get rejected all the time or waay more than accepted. And rejection doesn't exactly feel great. And some women can be cold when rejecting. What's wrong with wanting women to make the first move? Guys do it all the time. It's become a norm for men to initiate and escalate everything and that's risky and challenging. Nothing wrong with women doing it sometimes, especially to ease the worries for guys. Just because it's a norm doesn't mean it's supposed to be that way or that it has to stay that way. But it perpetuates because most people accept it.

 

Basically it sounds like most women are just demanding and want a superman or an alpha-male because of how they make them feel.

 

Why do you try to make confidence an alternate definition when it comes to relationships ? Men AND women both want someone who is sure of themselves and a strong person. I can't recall one woman who was attracted to a guy who had his tail between his legs begging for approval or vice versa. If you want to sit around and wait for a woman to take action then good for you but good luck with that one..

 

I don't understand how you guys don't understand the basic concept of confidence. It's almost like a guy (on a physical level) why don't girls like me because I don't shave and wear sweat pants and never groom myself.. THat's the same concept but on an emotional level. If you can understand why a female wouldn't be interested in a man who doesn't shave, groom himself, wears sweatpants and just overall looks like he doesn't care about his appearance then you should be able to understand the idea of not appearing insecure and desperate. It's the same thing really except one is physical and the other is emotional feeling..

 

If you don't grasp the comparison on that concept then you will never understand it and should probably just never date.. I really don't know how to explain in more a simplistic way..

[mixwell]

Happy, sad, mad, those are all emotions, and each one has easily identifiable actions. But the same doesn't apply to confidence.

 

It's almost like a game of kids are making animal sounds, somebody says, "Do a dog" and another kid barks. "Do a cow" and another kid moos. "Do a giraffe"..... o.O

 

I've read a lot on body language and have been working to correct my own. I'm pretty sure I'm not broadcasting any "insecure signals."

 

 

 

I don't know what posts you are talking about. What context?

 

 

I'm also not 6' tall.

 

Frankly, based on recent threads on the forum, I don't have a clue what I'm doing wrong.

 

 

She had limits where other girls wouldn't. For example, any other girl would let me hug her. Me going for a hug was not a disrespectful action, yet she was uncomfortable with it. And of course I did not keep trying with an action when I learned she was uncomfortable with it.

 

 

Hardly. It's much more complicated then that, but I don't want to think of her this late at night. I got enough issues falling asleep as it is.

 

That's something different then.

 

That actually sounds like why it's a bad idea to try and fake confidence. She's going to see right through the BS. If the guy knew how to fake being confident in the first place.

 

 

Are you able to tell when man lacks confidence and is insecure?

 

How? What does it look like?

 

All of your replies in this post (#53) really make you appear to have no clue on what's going on as far as men and women. I'm not trying to sound like a dlck but you clearly choose to justify logic with your own emotional validations and just by reading your replies you appear to be a very insecure and unsure person. I can only imagine how you carry yourself in public especially if it came to approaching a female. Again not trying to shlt talk but if I can get those vibes JUST by your comments on a forum imagine how you look in person..

[Teknoe]

I've read a lot on body language and have been working to correct my own. I'm pretty sure I'm not broadcasting any "insecure signals."

 

"Pretty sure" pretty much means you probably don't know. You just like to think you do know. There is a difference. If you had any guy buddies in real life, this is exactly the sort of stuff they can help you with.

 

 

Frankly, based on recent threads on the forum, I don't have a clue what I'm doing wrong.

 

Frankly, taking a nice long break from LoveShack would probably help you more than anything else. You're way too consumed with starting threads and replying and asking questions. You're in your own head way too much. It's not healthy.

 

 

All of your replies in this post (#53) really make you appear to have no clue on what's going on as far as men and women. I'm not trying to sound like a dlck but you clearly choose to justify logic with your own emotional validations and just by reading your replies you appear to be a very insecure and unsure person. I can only imagine how you carry yourself in public especially if it came to approaching a female. Again not trying to shlt talk but if I can get those vibes JUST by your comments on a forum imagine how you look in person..

 

SD has stated in the past often times "But I swear! I'm not the way in real life as I am on these boards. You think I let people know in real life that I have no friends or am insecure?"

 

He thinks just because he doesn't shout it from the rooftops in real life that people don't know.

 

People do know. Especially girls.

 

Sadly, he doesn't know and neither do we for sure (since we can't see him in real life). We can make educated guesses and reasonable assumptions, but none of us can help him really since we can't see him interacting with females in real life.

 

There needs to be a "Let's Hang Out With SD in SoCal" trip. Els, Veg, Star, Dust, 49, Jobaba, Wholigan, Chokie, etc. We all need to hang out with SD for a weekend and give him some honest real instant feedback.

 

Plus, we would act as his first social circle he's had in what, years?

 

Just one weekend. A holiday weekend. 3 days 2 nights. It'll be all about seeing SD's "game" in action and giving him direct feedback. Also helping him along and making sure HE'S OUT OF THE HOUSE OFFLINE! My fear is he's spending the majority of his free time at home on the internet or playing games -- isolated.

 

Seriously, such an experience would greatly benefit him. Honestly, probably the only time LoveShack would ever help him. If we all agreed on a weekend to meet one another in SoCal. Then there'd be no more excuses, no more hiding behind a screen name.

 

Operation Inject SomeDude With Some Confidence

 

Who's game?

Seriously, we could be his wingmen and wingwomen.

[HeavenOrHell]

Read my post! Some women find it attractive, depending on the degree of it. I find shyness attractive.

 

 

I am not a woman but i dont think any woman like unconfident guys...

[HeavenOrHell]

Somedude, you've hijjacked Ross's thread

 

As I said earlier, I find shyness attractive, and a lot of my friends do too.

 

I wouldn't find shyness/lack of confidence to the point of not being able to talk to me attractive, or causing them to be a not very nice person in some way, my ex was shy and so is my current partner, I find it endearing, seems to make them (talking about my partner and ex) kinder, more thoughtful, and sensitive to others, and not arrogant, loud mouthed or selfish.

[RedRobin]

OP, have you ever tried an improv class?

 

Might help you overcome shyness and give you lots of feedback on appropriate social cues.

 

It is one of the things on my to-do list. I tend to be a bit over the top and not as good a listener as I'd like.

 

I really like 'shy' guys though. Not unconfident ones... but the quieter ones.

[Ross MwcFan]

I guess my question should've read 'Women, could you still be interested in a unconfident and insecure guy?'

 

would you like a woman who didn't think highly of herself and did not trust you?

 

Not really.

[Ross MwcFan]

are we talking extreme insecurity and lack of confidence? they can be so hard to deal with even with friends never mind a guy. but to a degree is actually preferable to arrogance!

 

I suppose we're talking extreme yes.

[Ross MwcFan]

Define unconfident and insecure.

 

I ask because it takes different forms. In some, they overcompensate by being like Ricko Suave... over the top with put upon fake confidence.

 

Others express it by making negative comments about you to bring you down to their level

 

Another group just whines incessently asking for constant reassurance

 

With all of the three though, I've learned that the second they develop any 'confidence' they dump their patient and loving GF's for the BBD. Because deep inside they never had any respect for someone who would put up with that shyte or, they just get a whacked out idea that they can do 'better' with all the new skills they've learned.

 

That's why I won't go there. I don't want a 'project' and I want a guy who sees the downsides of having lots of options. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

 

If I felt very insecure and unconfident with someone, and they still liked me, I would never lose respect for them, in fact the opposite would happen, I would respect them and like them even more. I would be very moved.

[Ross MwcFan]

Cripes Ross, this thread is awful. Instead of actually pushing yourself to become more confident, you're just going to sit and wallow and hope that you can find a woman who wants to be with you anyway. Tell me that is NOT your intent...

 

Umm, no. I am trying to push myself to become more confident.

[Ross MwcFan]

The only women that like insecure guys are the ones that get with a wealthy person and dominate them into doing what they want.. Insecurity and clingy is a total turn off no matter if you're a guy or a girl. Nobody wants someone acting like a puppy dog running after them every move they make..

 

Even if you are unconfident and insecure just "fake it until you make it" If you feel ugly, fat etc just act like you're the shlt and that confidence alone will be appealing to women.. If you act like a broken down insecure va jay jay you're never going to find a woman who has ANY respect for you and most likely will never be interested in you.. Grow a pair, have some self respect and represent yourself like you have some self respect..

 

How do you grow a pair?

 

I do have self respect.

[Ross MwcFan]

What do you mean HOW ? If you feel insecure, just act and present yourself like you are the ish. If you feel insecure don't show it but instead act totally comfortable and secure..

 

I don't understand how you would ask a basic question ? How do actors FAKE being sad, happy, mad when they're playing a certain role ? You ACT.. ACT confident, maybe saying fake was the wrong trigger word and I should have said ACT.. Same thing..

 

I guess you've never felt insecure before. Because that's definatley easier said than done.

[Ross MwcFan]

I dont get this thread.

 

Does anyone like unconfident and insecure mates? I think not. I know I surely couldnt deal with a woman like that. Its annoying and unattractive.

 

I could still like a woman who is unconfident and insecure.

[Ross MwcFan]

OP, have you ever tried an improv class?

 

Might help you overcome shyness and give you lots of feedback on appropriate social cues.

 

It is one of the things on my to-do list. I tend to be a bit over the top and not as good a listener as I'd like.

 

I really like 'shy' guys though. Not unconfident ones... but the quieter ones.

 

No, I've never heard of those classes before, but I'll look into it. Thanks.

[Ross MwcFan]

By the way some people are talking in this topic, it's as though you've got to be like Superman or something.

[somedude81]

Okay since you want to nit pick words then here.. Don't fake it or act it.. Just Fking be confident.. Find traits that you excel in and be confident in those and let those build up your self esteem. YES females can tell when a man lacks confidence and acts insecure. It's all in the way you represent your self and how you carry yourself as a person. If you look gloomy and unsure of yourself ANYONE can see that from a mile away instead of seeing someone walking with pep in their step and looking happy and secure. It's all body language and how you carry yourself. No one wants to approach or be approached by someone who looks insecure and lonely.. Stop trying to over complicate emotional expressions in public to justify things. Either you appear happy and upbeat which people like to see or you appear closed off and uninteresting.. It's quite simple actually.

It's almost as if you are saying one can't be happy and upbeat if they don't have confidence. That's obviously not accurate.

 

Also, it's easy to tell the difference between somebody who is sad / insecure and somebody who isn't. But how do you tell the difference between neutral and confident?

 

I don't understand how you guys don't understand the basic concept of confidence

It's just a difficult concept to understand for people who've never been that way. It's like trying to tell somebody how to ride a bike. They are not going to understand until they just get on and do it.

All of your replies in this post (#53) really make you appear to have no clue on what's going on as far as men and women.

Of course. That should be common knowledge on this forum. And it's a primary reason why I lack confidence. Simply because I don't know what I'm doing. That's why telling me to, "be confident" is pointless, because I'm not going to suddenly know what to do.

I can only imagine how you carry yourself in public especially if it came to approaching a female. Again not trying to shlt talk but if I can get those vibes JUST by your comments on a forum imagine how you look in person..

That is why I rarely approach women. I have zero confidence in myself that I could go up to a random woman I've never seen before, and talk to her a few minutes then get her number. If I did try that, it would be plainly obvious to anybody that I'm lacking confidence. Though I do have a secret to making sure I don't look confident doing something. By not doing it.

 

One thing I do want to say, is that my comfort zone for approaching and talking to women has significantly increased. At the end of class last night, I approached and started a conversation with a girl in the class that I had never spoken to before and walked and talked with her for a few minutes. Fear didn't cross my mind at all. I wanted to talk to her so I did. I wasn't feeling nervous at all, and I'm sure that if I didn't have a bus to catch, I could have asked for her number. That's a huge change from how I used to be.

[RedRobin]

By the way some people are talking in this topic, it's as though you've got to be like Superman or something.

 

No, you don't. You need to flex your style a bit to attract the women you want.

 

I've dated 'shy' guys and totally out there guys. I'm really starting to warm up to the shy guys for alot of the reasons people post here.

 

A little bit of shyness/insecurity could be read as humility, which I find really appealing. Someone who can lower their guard and be gentle and kind. Admit to some mistakes or flaws. There is a balance there, I think.

 

Oh, and about the improv classes. Yes, one of my male friends has really 'bloomed' after investing in them. He was one of those guys who was funny when you got to know him. He sometimes said inappropriate things (unfortunately) and was very self-conscious.

 

In the course of a couple of years, he is now quite popular with the running club he is in, and he has a very nice girlfriend.

[zengirl]

I like shy guys. I like introverted, sweet, shy, non-aggressive guys. Honestly.

 

I don't like guys with low self esteem or negative self-images. I don't like guys who are negative or don't have some confidence in their ability to succeed in life.

 

fwiw - almost every man I've ever been in a serious R with, including hubby, has been someone who has battled and overcome some form of anxiety (social anxiety, panic attacks, etc) and has been someone who felt free to share his personal insecurities with me, as I could with him. We all have insecurities. What's problematic is if you have insecurities that control you or insecurities about your relationships, etc, or if you have a low sense of self-worth or self-esteem that hinders you in your day-to-day life.

 

RR's suggestion of improv is good. That's a great way to develop some additional confidence and social skills. I've taken classes and am even an apprentice level (read: unpaid) performer at a local improv from time to time. It was something I found in college that helped me immensely, in dealing with anxiety and social situations. Second to finding Zen, it was probably the best activity find of my life in terms of self-improvement.

Edited May 3, 2012 by zengirl