Guys become attractive after I date, I do not develop feelings unless I start dating

[Leigh 87]

In terms of self improvement, I like to use this example.

 

A good many women have complimented me on my guitar playing which I have played for two decades. I have asked or made a move on some of them (some whom I knew very well). Do you know how many have rejected me?

 

ALL of them.

 

Do you know how many women have said I was awesome and funny and still rejected me? Lots.

 

Do you know what is the most times I've spent significantly with a woman who has eventually become my girlfriend before we started making out? Three.

 

MOST women need the physical or emotional attraction. So, if you can't generate the physical, you need to generate the emotional. And it's more than just a pickup line or a PUA strategy. It's an attitude where you can make a woman attracted to you where she doesn't know much about you at all. Once she's attracted, then you can use all of your 'good stuff' to keep her and realize she made a good choice.

 

I can only go by my own experiences... but I believe mine is much closer to SD's than most here.

 

 

 

 

 

Interesting....this backs up my experience - of how I could not pinpoint anything about him that made me want him - I just had a feeling of wanting to see him. Even though I had lots of other options, one of which was a great "match" from the first date.

[Eternal Sunshine]

For me, I can't say I felt physically attracted to my ex when I met him. I agreed to date him because in our first conversation we connected so well. He was probably average looking (perhaps a bit better) but he had some features that I liked (tall, nice eyes). He was also very "cutesy" and "high school" about dating. He wanted to hold hands, hug, kiss on the cheek and wasn't really forcing anything too sexual right away. It was refreshing because most other men were different.

 

Something about him resonated with me. I felt that he could perhaps understand me. He also had all the right features on paper - college degree, stable job and career going somewhere, owns an apartement in good area of the city, similar background to me, similar values and long term goals.

 

STILL, even though I grew attached to him, I can't say that I ever felt an overwhelming passion on a sexual level. Sometimes I doubt if I ever really loved him. Often I think maybe I sabotaged that realtionship because I wasn't entirely happy being with someone I wasn't "head over heels" for.

 

Ultimately, we broke up because of other incompatibilities, but lack of real attraction could have caused a lot of outer conflict.

 

I wouldn't do it again though. I wouldn't start a realtionship with someone I am not completely physically into.

[wwwjd]

I felt totally comfortbale and safe with him in every way and we had some pretty awesome sex.

 

Im not dating anyone else, and I don't think he is either. he didn't mention anyone in all this time.

 

Cool.

 

 

Wait...

What???

 

Man.... this is why I prefer to wait for KNOWN exclusivisity.

I'm losing more and more faith in woman-kind the more I read here.

Guess my days here are numbered.

Can't wait to get back to my planet where many things make sense.

[jobaba]

For me, I can't say I felt physically attracted to my ex when I met him. I agreed to date him because in our first conversation we connected so well. He was probably average looking (perhaps a bit better) but he had some features that I liked (tall, nice eyes).

 

I'm just curious.

 

What do you consider yourself?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I'm just curious.

 

What do you consider yourself?

 

That's irrelevant and I am not going to answer it.

 

I have attracted guys that are better looking than him but I didn't like as much in terms of personality and common interests.

 

I have also been attracted to guys that are objectively worse looking than him.

[EasyHeart]

Take action or kill your crush (the feelings, not the person)

Thank you for that important clarification!

[somedude81]

Thank you for that important clarification!

Killing her would certainly make things easier.

 

What? Don't look at me that way

[zengirl]

In terms of self improvement, I like to use this example.

 

A good many women have complimented me on my guitar playing which I have played for two decades. I have asked or made a move on some of them (some whom I knew very well). Do you know how many have rejected me?

 

ALL of them.

 

Do you know how many women have said I was awesome and funny and still rejected me? Lots.

 

I was speaking of emotional self-improvement that makes it easier to connect to people in general. I know such a thing exists because I've done it. Granted, external improvements help as well, but if you find you fail to connect with people and spark emotional attraction, honing interior skills is necessary.

 

Do you know what is the most times I've spent significantly with a woman who has eventually become my girlfriend before we started making out? Three.

 

I don't think you and I are in disagreement that most people who become attracted to each other and act on that attraction do so quickly. Sometimes, for some external reason (they're in another R, they work together, there are social circle issues, etc) or --- at the very, very rarest (we're talking probably less than 5% of all Rs) --- for some internal reason (someone's attraction changes over time, etc), people get together later. The external factors changing are far more common than the internal factors changing, and if someone says they don't like you that way, accept that and move along! Absolutely.

 

What we disagree on is whether there is any trick you can 'learn' that will generally trigger emotional attraction in people.

 

MOST women need the physical or emotional attraction. So, if you can't generate the physical, you need to generate the emotional. And it's more than just a pickup line or a PUA strategy. It's an attitude where you can make a woman attracted to you where she doesn't know much about you at all. Once she's attracted, then you can use all of your 'good stuff' to keep her and realize she made a good choice.

 

I would say that, rather than an attitude you can adopt, it is a belief system and emotional state that allows you to be open to create connections as you socialize. Take away the wide swath of preferences that are different in every woman, and out of your control, and I think you're left with only one common denominator (in terms of women who are looking for Rs at least): A desire to connect. At any rate, of course, there's no way to guarantee you will connect with everyone, and many women have additional preferences that will disqualify you, but that's where I'd start --- the beliefs and emotional states of mind that hinder you from connecting.

 

Asking a man who's already successful what they do isn't going to work because --- unless they were vastly unsuccessful --- they probably started with a clearer mental/emotional palate and didn't have the negative beliefs and blocks that the unsuccessful person has. A lot of attraction IS mental, and a lot of beliefs hold us back. I've experienced that myself. But putting the smaller tips that a successful man might've given you that enhance his social skills would be like putting pretty drapes in a charred, moldy rooms. You've just got to do the cleanup and major repairs first, or else it's really no use.

 

I ALWAYS like the looks of a guy I like "that way." But they don't necessarily have to be good looking.

 

This is my experience as well.

 

My point in sharing all of this with you on your thread is to try to impress upon you that IT TAKES ALL KINDS. Leigh is disposed and open completely to giving guys a chance. I guess that doesn't work for me. A woman like me would not be doing a person a favor (and was not, in real life) by "giving them a chance" when I just knew that the chemistry was missing, but a woman like Leigh would be true to herself when doing that.

 

A good point. I think I am more like you --- though I actually never had trouble finding quite a few men who sparked with me, who I could easily talk to, and who I felt some level of attraction to (it didn't have to absolutely bowl me over to make me go on a date or anything).

[marinelife3]

There are exceptions, but often I'm not really attracted to a person until I know that they're a good kisser (or more accurately that i like their kissing style) so I'm usually pretty open to kissing random people to find out. If I like the way they kiss then their attractiveness level goes way up.

[somedude81]

There are exceptions, but often I'm not really attracted to a person until I know that they're a good kisser (or more accurately that i like their kissing style) so I'm usually pretty open to kissing random people to find out. If I like the way they kiss then their attractiveness level goes way up.

Woah! Really?

[marinelife3]

This is why you've got to talk to a lot more people in a lot more places. If a guy comes up to me in a bar, makes conversation for five minutes and then says "let's kiss", if I'm single I'll always do it. I figure what have I got to lose? I know not every girl is like this but plenty are.

[somedude81]

This is why you've got to talk to a lot more people in a lot more places. If a guy comes up to me in a bar, makes conversation for five minutes and then says "let's kiss", if I'm single I'll always do it. I figure what have I got to lose? I know not every girl is like this but plenty are.

That's a total mind-blowing thought.

 

Although, this is coming from a guy that has only kissed one girl in his entire life, and that was roughly 7-8 years ago.

[marinelife3]

Yeah, really. My impression of guys is that they can look at a particular girl and think "I like her looks, I like her personality, I can say with some certainty that I'd enjoy banging her", but for me and mayyyybe for women in general there's an extra step of figuring out if you've got physical chemistry with the person.

[marinelife3]

That's a total mind-blowing thought.

 

My attitude is that I'll only go to a bar if I'm in the mood to make out with people. Not every girl thinks that way but I'm sure I'm not the only one.

 

That's why everyones always telling you to talk to a lot more girls. It's a numbers game.

[somedude81]

My attitude is that I'll only go to a bar if I'm in the mood to make out with people. Not every girl thinks that way but I'm sure I'm not the only one.

 

That's why everyones always telling you to talk to a lot more girls. It's a numbers game.

I don't really know if it's a number's game in that area.

 

Simply because I don't want to kiss a girl until I actually like her. But I guess that just makes me more conservative or old fashioned.

[marinelife3]

I thought you said you'd be happy to have any girl as your girlfriend as long as she met certain minimum physical requirements

[marinelife3]

Maybe you should make a distinction in your head between "liking" someone and being physically attracted to them. If you see a girl you think is hot, you feel physicall attracted to her, right? And you can tell from a pretty brief conversation whether or not you can tolerate her personality? And then the "liking" element develops gradually after that?

 

I think you should start going for girls when it's still at the physical attraction stage, and trust that you'll start liking her in a deepr way as your relationship deepens. My hunch is that you would.

[marinelife3]

Given how deprived of human contact you are, I think that if you lead with your dick, your feelings will follow along like a faithful little puppy dog

[Leigh 87]

Not all average or below average men who u are not physically attracted to at first, will become attractive, no matter how much u grow to like their personalities; but why not take the chance on a guy who is initially not hor to you, because SOMETIMES it may work out and you will end up viewing them as VERY attractive.

A lot of women on here sound like they KNOW if the attraction will not grow, based on their physical and other attributes ( or lack there of). I was just inexperienced with dating, was very hot and had options ( I am not very hot now btw gained 16 lbs), and decided to give this " not attractive" guy a chance, even though I thought I could do better look wise.

 

It is not so much about giving ANY guy a go, I suppose; it is about shallow women like I once was, getting OVER themselves, and giving people a chance who they like even if they are not hot. Obviously I DID like him, or I would not have continued seeing him. HE just was not " hot" to me and I was aprehensive about his looks, and the fact I had nothing in common with him on the surface at first.

 

I do not advice or believe people to continue to see guys they do not think are attractive, and have little in common with! I am UNIQUE in my OWN situation - I was coming out of a mental illness, I had a shell of a personality that was very MALUABLE at that stage, and I DID NOT KNOW who I really was, in terms of what I wanted in life, what my values in a person was, and etc....

SO, if I had already developed preferences in a guy and te things in life I wanted and needed for myself, i would NOT date another guy who I did not think I had enough in common with, or was not attractive to me.

I would not do it again, because I KNOW myself enough now, to remotely know the guys who just do not it in them to be a good match; I did not knwo before, gave it a fluke, and it worked!

I WOULD< however, date a guy I did not find attractive or hot, if they seamed like a positive, nice person, and I thought they might be a guy who I would enjoy being around.

 

I guess what u can take from my predicament, is that although I did not know myself well enough to KNOW who I was or what I wanted enough to KNOW my preferences.... I STILL gave a guy a chance even when he ws nto attractive to me, and I was alittle unsure.

He did not have to tick all my boxes, if you will.

[somedude81]

Maybe you should make a distinction in your head between "liking" someone and being physically attracted to them. If you see a girl you think is hot, you feel physicall attracted to her, right?

I was sitting on the bus and then this skinny black girl with absolutely huge boobs gets on. In the very front of the bus there are two rows of seats that face each other. I'm sitting in one and she gets a seat directly in front of me. I quickly realize that her shirt is very low cut, showing of a large amount of skin. Within seconds I can tell I'm getting too excited, and I had no choice but to not look at her for the rest of the ride.

 

I was extremely sexually attracted to her breasts but I didn't like her as anything more, how could I when I don't know her?

 

So that's the distinction between liking somebody and being physically attracted.

 

And you can tell from a pretty brief conversation whether or not you can tolerate her personality? And then the "liking" element develops gradually after that?

 

 

I think you should start going for girls when it's still at the physical attraction stage, and trust that you'll start liking her in a deepr way as your relationship deepens. My hunch is that you would.

Being able to just tolerate her personality is not enough for me. I don't want an empty sexual thing with a girl I can barely stand.

 

I'm looking for somebody I can be in a serious relationship with. Somebody who likes what I do, and we can do a lot of things with. I just can't shake the feeling that if I were able to date that last girl, it would have been an absolutely amazing relationship. After five months of no contact, my eyes still water when I think of her.

 

Maybe I just need a purely sexual thing to get over her. But I don't exactly have women offering themselves to me.

 

What would be easier for me to get? A relationship or a casual sex thing?

 

 

Given how deprived of human contact you are, I think that if you lead with your dick, your feelings will follow along like a faithful little puppy dog

Problem is, my dick is lacking in social graces.

 

I can't exactly go up to a girl, poke her with my boner and say, "He wants to screw you."

 

Obviously I don't know what I'm doing. I keep worrying that I don't know what to say, to get anything more than friendship out of a girl.

[marinelife3]

What I'm saying is that even if you thought you were going to just have an "empty sexual thing" with a girl, that you would develop feelings for her anyway. I think you're a very sensitive person and it would just happen. That's why you should hit on lots of girls you're phsyically attracted to, instead of waiting for the girls you specifically "like". The fact that you don't know how to hit on a girl is a problem that can only be fixed by hitting on lots of girls and learning through trial and error.