Trying to work things out with my wife, but she still wants a divorce?

[Theshadowonme]

This question is going to be very difficult to explain, so please bear with me.

 

I have been with my wife since 2005, and we have been married since 2007. We have two children together. We originally separated because I was having an affair. We have been separated since January of 2011. Since then we have had an on again off again relationship every few months. We've pretty regularly spent 6 months together and then 6 months apart.

 

The first time we were apart I stayed single, but she ended up with someone. I don't know if this is pertinent to the situation or not, but the person that she chose to be with was my (at the time) best friend. After I found out about this, I told her that I never wanted to talk to her again. Which is obviously impossible because we have 2 kids. However, I stopped answering her calls and text messages for a few days. Then one day when we were exchanging the kids, I gave her a hug and she pulled me in and kissed me. I had no idea at the time, but apparently she had already ended the relationship that she was in. This was the first time we tried getting back together. We didn't go to counseling, we didn't do anything different. We just rode out the honeymoon phase until it was over and then split up again.

 

The most recent time that we split up things got really ugly. There is a history of emotional and physical abuse on both sides, so she filed a victim's protection order. I somewhat agree with her filing it because we needed some space from one another for a while. She was doing everything that she could to officially end things. So we went about 3-4 months without speaking at all. It was good to be away from her for a while, it really allowed me to clear my head. We have been going through divorce hearings and I was under the impression that our divorce was going to be finalized a few weeks ago. A few days before court I called her and asked her if we could meet somewhere. She agreed and we met in a parking lot to talk about things. I basically poured my heart out to her and told her that I didn't want to get divorced, that I was still in love with her. She said that she wasn't sure about what to do because she was very conflicted. Before she got out of the car she asked me for a "little no strings attached" kiss. That tiny kissed turned into a 30 second deep, passionate kiss. I knew that she had been dating people, but I didn't know how serious her situation was. She left telling me to let her think things over and that she would get back to me. Well, about a week later we met in the same parking lot. She told me that she was happy with the guy that she was with now and she was the happiest she had been in a long time. I decided in that moment that I was ready to let her go. She had found someone else and she was happy. What more could I ask for?

 

So that's where I left things. I went back to not calling or texting her. About 3 weeks later I got a random text message from her asking if I had taken my lunch break yet. I told her no, but was wondering why she wanted to know. She asked me to meet her again in that same parking lot. This time, she came to me and told me that she wanted to get back together. Keep in mind, I had completely let go of her at this point, so I was very shocked. I told her that if we were going to try to get back together that something would have to be different this time. I told her that we would have to go to marriage counseling and that we would need to actually work through things instead of just enjoying another honeymoon period. She agreed.

 

Well, we went to our first marriage counseling session on Monday and everything went really well. One of the main questions we had for the counselor was whether or not our relationship was even salvageable. He said that he could tell that there was still a strong connection between the two of us and there was something there that obviously wanted to be saved. We even went on a date yesterday and everything was perfect. It was like nothing had ever happened between us.

 

Then, today. I got a call from her and her tone was very different than it normally is. We have briefly talked about dropping the divorce and the VPO, but her attitude on that completely changed. This morning she told me that our marriage meant nothing to her and that if we were truly going to start over we would need to get divorced. She said that if she was going to try to make things work, she wanted to do it because she wanted to, not because she had to.

 

Right now, I really don't know how I should feel. I feel somewhat like she is trying to punish me for being unfaithful. I do understand where she is coming from, a marriage is just a legal binding contract, but I specifically told her that the divorce was my breaking point.

 

I still love her, and still want to be with her, but should I compromise the boundaries that I've already set for myself? How should I feel?

[worldgonewrong]

Surface impression: every time she takes a roll in the hay with another guy, in between seeing you, of course her tone becomes very different to you yet again.

 

And the divorce-in-order-to-start-over idea is complete horse sh*t.

[jphcbpa]

Surface impression: every time she takes a roll in the hay with another guy, in between seeing you, of course her tone becomes very different to you yet again.

 

And the divorce-in-order-to-start-over idea is complete horse sh*t.

 

all this...she is hot/cold, push/pull for a reason.

 

i feel for you bro

[Steadfast]

If what you've written is accurate, you've not only cheated on her in the past, but you've physically abused her too. I'm sorry, I do not buy the 'we were both abusive' line unless she attacked you in your sleep or verbally demonized the relationship. Anyone who hits anyone else has issues that make it impossible to demonstrate true, caring love and commitment.

 

I do not condone what she's doing now, but you have not done yourself or your marriage any favors. We must always remember there are consequences for our actions. These will come regardless of getting help. The power of our actions is stronger than many of us realize. For some. cheating and other forms of abuse simply can't be overcome...no matter how sincere the apology.

 

Let her go and leave her alone. Whatever she is feeling, she isn't feeling for you. Besides, why do you want a woman who's into someone else? Like many of us, you have a chance to learn from your mistakes. Start today.

[standtall]

How old are you two? You and your wife sound very childish with this behavior. You both need counseling, and you need some anger management...short of her attacking you with a weapon, your 140 and she is 250, or she is chucking dishes at you, you should never resort to anything physical with her, and then it is just to remove yourself from the violence. To be honest you should feel ashamed of your conduct.